Divorce?

[davef]

I need help, my wife and I can't even have a basic conversation anymore. Every attempt ends with her screaming and me walking away. we tried therapy, she just blamed me for everything then after 3 months accused me of sleeping with the therapist. (Who I never met in Person) She also accuses me of sleeping with all my coworkers. I have been faithful since our first date 17 years ago. She accuses me of ignoring her. She is 1/2 right. Every day a start with an honest attempt at resurrecting our relationship. Typically, within 20 minutes she is screaming and i'm done for the day. The second she disrespects me I walk away. I think she is a classic narcissist, though she would say the same about me.

I am 42, Married for 14 years and have 3 boys 3, 6, and 9. It got bad 2 years ago, (there was hints of this character before, but it was more good than bad). That's when she met a new group of friends many divorcees, they do dancing every Thursday. She also abandoned logic and reason at that same time, got into astrology and feng shui. She has a college degree, but I have not heard anything come out of her mouth in the past 10 years that exceeded 3rd grade level, we can't even talk anymore. she denies basic, math, science, and ... reality and bases her decisions on influencer reels, karma, and what her friends think.

Anyhow I am this close to getting a lawyer, but my biggest concern is my 3 year old, I want him to have established good memories of his dad before she point that well, (And believe me she will, she is very vindictive).

Also Financially, I make 150k she is a stay at home mom with no proven income potential. we have a loan at 2.75% but I doubt they would let me transfer that to her. I think I would have to pay off the 550k owe on it. (we have a 1.5 mil net worth) but most of that is a 850k house we owe 550k on.
I could give her that paid off and 100k in her roth, 50k cash and I could walk away with about 50k cash and 500k in retirement accounts, less legal fees I guess.

[cpa cat]

I’m not an attorney, but the longer you stay married, the more expensive alimony gets. It looks like there’s a bump after 20 years of marriage in Florida, but it’s based on length of marriage at all points. Financially, ending your marriage will be less expensive the sooner you do it. If your marriage is this bad, then your children aren’t going to have many happy memories of you because you’re fighting all the time.

Ask for 50/50 custody and build memories without her. Express your concerns to your attorney about parental alienation and what kind of evidence you should keep an eye out for.

You can potentially structure a deal where the house payment is part of the alimony. I wouldn’t rush to pay it off. It’s possible you guys will end up deciding to sell it anyway.

[Telecaster]

Sorry you are going through this.  I don't have any specific advice, but some general observations.   One is that if the marriage really isn't salvageable, and there is really no path back to reconciliation, then you are doing no one--not you, not her, not the kids--any favors by continuing it.   

Don't worry about the money/asset situation too much right now.  That will become evident in due time.   Leaving a relationship like this is like exiting a mine field.  You will have a limb or two blown off in the process.  You will not be made whole.  Things will not be fair.   But you won't be in the minefield.   So don't seek justice, you won't get it. Just try to get out of the mine field with as many limbs as possible.   

[Metalcat]

Sorry you are going through this.  I don't have any specific advice, but some general observations.   One is that if the marriage really isn't salvageable, and there is really no path back to reconciliation, then you are doing no one--not you, not her, not the kids--any favors by continuing it.   

Don't worry about the money/asset situation too much right now.  That will become evident in due time.   Leaving a relationship like this is like exiting a mine field.  You will have a limb or two blown off in the process.  You will not be made whole.  Things will not be fair.   But you won't be in the minefield.   So don't seek justice, you won't get it. Just try to get out of the mine field with as many limbs as possible.

Exactly this.

I say this as a therapist who works with couples. This is one of the best descriptions of divorce I've ever read.

[TheFrenchCat]

I'm really sorry you're going through this.  I'm going to be a bit blunt.  I'm worried that this situation will hurt your kids the longer it goes on, with your wife screaming at you.  I grew up in a household with daily screaming arguments and to briefly and with understatement sum it up, it was incredibly harmful.  I'm a big believer in trying to make marriages work, but this doesn't seem like a tolerable or safe situation for anyone.

I'd try not to worry about money.  You make 150k a year and have built up a sizable net worth.  You're not dumb and you'll sort that out later.  Put your and your kids' air masks on.

[Cassie]

That’s a really unhealthy environment for your three kids and it will damage them emotionally. I don’t think you have any choice but to get a divorce because it doesn’t seem that you two are able to get along and have a harmonious household. As sad as divorce is, it’s sadder to damage your children. I am sorry you’re going through this.

[sonofsven]

Sorry, sounds horrible. Contact a lawyer right away. As was said above, you're not helping the kids by staying in a bad situation.
The money is the easiest part to figure out, it's just math.
The kids are the most important part. It's up to you to be the dad in this new co-parenting relationship.  Don't worry about custody if that becomes a battle; you'll have parental visitation rights. Set up an equitable schedule for the kids and do what you need to do to stick to the plan and see your kids as much as possible. Make sacrifices as needed.
Don't dig in your heels over inconsequential fights. What's best for the kids long term is what matters now.
Listen to your lawyer.
Be prepared to feel broke and the need to "start over" financially.
It will get better over time.

[six-car-habit]

  I would say, regarding the kids - start taking them out every Thursday night when your wife goes Dancing.  Get them out of the house, and give them something to look forward to doing.  Bowling, ChuckECheese, Karate, Movie at a theatre, roller skating, camping at state park [ take friday off work-call in sick if needed-  it is practically summer- school shouldn't be an issue ]  etc. etc.

   Give them more reasons to want to spend time with Dad.  Thursday is 3 days away. Make a plan for the 29th...
     I figure she probably normally gets home from her dance party after the kids go to bed anyhow, but leave a note where you are if not, so she has no valid reason to argue about it later.

 

[JupiterGreen]

Sorry you are going through this.  I don't have any specific advice, but some general observations.   One is that if the marriage really isn't salvageable, and there is really no path back to reconciliation, then you are doing no one--not you, not her, not the kids--any favors by continuing it.   

Don't worry about the money/asset situation too much right now.  That will become evident in due time.   Leaving a relationship like this is like exiting a mine field.  You will have a limb or two blown off in the process.  You will not be made whole.  Things will not be fair.   But you won't be in the minefield.   So don't seek justice, you won't get it. Just try to get out of the mine field with as many limbs as possible.

Exactly this.

I say this as a therapist who works with couples. This is one of the best descriptions of divorce I've ever read.

As a non-therapist and non-divorced person, I too agree this is the best description I've read about mindset while navigating divorced. +1

[Hula Hoop]

I'm really sorry you're going through this.  I'm going to be a bit blunt.  I'm worried that this situation will hurt your kids the longer it goes on, with your wife screaming at you.  I grew up in a household with daily screaming arguments and to briefly and with understatement sum it up, it was incredibly harmful.  I'm a big believer in trying to make marriages work, but this doesn't seem like a tolerable or safe situation for anyone.

I'd try not to worry about money.  You make 150k a year and have built up a sizable net worth.  You're not dumb and you'll sort that out later.  Put your and your kids' air masks on.

Same here.  My parents kept trying to make things work 'for the kids' sake' - screaming at eachother all the time and when they weren't screaming saying horrible things about eachother and making snide remarks even to us kids.  It was horrible and it went on from when I was born until they finally got divorced when I was 14.  I was soooo relieved when they finally got divorced but it was too little too late.  I never really forgave either of them from what they put us through and how they behaved.

So please, for your kids' sakes get a divorce now.  Also, I don't understand what you're saying about staying until your youngest is older so that he puts down good memories of you.  Are you seriously planning to just move away and never seeing your kids again if you get a divorce?? That is just horrifying, if so. Just get divorced and try to get 50-50 custody or at least see the kids as much as you possibly can multiple times per week and have them stay at your place as much as possible.  Your kids will have plenty of memories of you.  Much better ones than if you stay longer in a horrible marriage.

[AuspiciousEight]

Hmmm...

I have no particular advice, but just wanted to say I'm sorry that you have found yourself in this challenging situation.

Take care of your children and do what is best for them.

[NV Teacher]

The biggest thing that helped my brother was to document everything.  He kept a calendar with daily notes about family activities, school events, contact with their mother, etc.  He recorded phone conversations and put up cameras to record pick up and drop off.  When she made allegations in court he was able to show proof of the truth.  Document, document, document.

[lhamo]

Best advice I got when I consulted a divorce attorney:  go spend a day in family court.  It will be eye-opening and impress upon you how much you do NOT want to end up there.  It is far better to have a negotiated settlement where your spouse gets a bit more financially and you both walk away without a court battle than to spend tens/hundreds of thousands on lawyers between you.

In hindsight, I probably stayed in my marriage much longer than I should have/needed to.  But for a variety of reasons we delayed the actual split until the kids were mostly launched.  And one benefit of dragging out the process was that once it was actually official it was pretty painless, and we now get along amicably.  But while the marriage definitely did some damage to my mental health, the level of aggression was never at the level you describe.  Dealing with a real narcissist is a whole other level of difficult.  You might find some useful tips/support on the forums at the Out of the Fog website.  Also lots of good expert advice there on navigating distancing from someone with a personality disorder (diagnosed or suspected).  "Grey Rock" technique is very useful.   

Anyway, sorry you are going through this and I hope you can extract yourself with a good custody arrangement sooner rather than later.  Your kids will benefit from having one healthy/stable parent in their lives -- I would say that is most important at this point.

[secondcor521]

People (including me) will chime in with all sorts of comments.  Divorce laws and practices around asset splits, alimony, child custody, and child support all can vary from state to state.  So really the people you need to listen to are your Florida-based divorce attorney, your Florida-based mediator, and your Florida-based judge if you ever have to hear from them.

I agree with lhamo - mediate, mediate, mediate.  It is faster, cheaper, more certain, and far less acrimonious.  Don't seek justice, you probably won't get what you think is just; settle for reasonable / plausible / workable.

You're both almost certain to lose the house, so I would start thinking about selling it and both of you getting smaller, more modest arrangements.  That's what we did.  Don't try to preserve the house for the kids - it probably won't work and you or she will just put them through stress later when it has to be sold.

Practically speaking in your scenario there will be major changes for the kids - they may need to be watched by family or friends or paid sitters or afterschool programs.  They will probably go back and forth between houses on a regular basis, so they become nomads.  My kids were resilient and they were able to manage and do fine.  On custody, the more regular you can make the schedule, and the fewer transitions back and forth the better IMNSHO.

I reluctantly agree with what the others have said about a divorce sooner being better for the kids.  My ex was the one who filed, and I didn't agree at the time, and even though things have turned out well for everyone 20 years later, I still think it would have been better to stay together and try to work it out.  But my kids have very clearly and plainly said they disagree with me on this point.  :shrug:

Financially it is obviously better to do things sooner rather than later.  Once I found out we were divorcing, it mostly became a grief exercise for me but also mostly it became a businesslike negotiation.

Sorry you have to deal with this.

[PoutineLover]

As a child of parents who only got divorced after I moved out, I will say that I think we would have been better off if they had done it sooner, although I didn't have to live with shared custody so I can't say for sure.

But I can say that growing up with parents who fight all the time and yell at each other sucks. If it's not salvageable, get divorced now and put your time with your kids as your first priority, not the money or the house.

[GuitarStv]

What's best for kids is seeing their parents handle irreconcilable differences like adults.  No name calling, no throwing shade on the other parent, trying their best to model calm and reasonableness when dealing with emotion, hurt, and stress.

Unless a parent is doing the above, I don't think staying together 'for the kids' actually makes this any better for the kids.  If a parent needs to be divorced to do the above, then it will be much better in the long term for the kids.  If a parent is unwilling to do the above regardless of divorce or staying together then they are going to hurt the kids to some degree.

[Metalcat]

What's best for kids is seeing their parents handle irreconcilable differences like adults.  No name calling, no throwing shade on the other parent, trying their best to model calm and reasonableness when dealing with emotion, hurt, and stress.

Unless a parent is doing the above, I don't think staying together 'for the kids' actually makes this any better for the kids.  If a parent needs to be divorced to do the above, then it will be much better in the long term for the kids.  If a parent is unwilling to do the above regardless of divorce or staying together then they are going to hurt the kids to some degree.

My parents split when I was very young and they were phenomenal at co-parenting. I have pretty much zero trauma from their split and a very healthy understanding of familial respect even in the absence of love and affection.

I also got to watch them fall in love and build marriages with new, much more suitable partners, and in consider myself insanely lucky to have 2 bonus parents who have been with me since I was a kid, and are actually the parents I call when shit hits the fan because they're both more mature than my bio parents, lol.

My parents could have stayed together for me, there was enough there for them to force it if they had felt that was necessary, but I'm so grateful they didn't. I don't have a ton of memories of them together, but the ones I do have are bad. And knowing them both as well as I do, they would be HORRIBLE together.

As you said, divorce isn't bad for kids, toxic parental dynamics are. So my advice to divorcing parents is to make sure they have whatever supports they need to at least make their half of the engagement as non-toxic as possible.

[davef]

First of all, thank you all for your advice. There are some great points made in the past 15 posts and I value the input tremendously.
One Hiccup I travel out of state about 80-100 days a year for work. That makes getting into any sort of a routine hard. But its a good idea to take them out on Thursdays. Alas I leave tomorrow for a week, but I'll try it next week.

I get to tuck my boys in at night. read to them, teach them things, Ill really miss being able to do that nearly every night. Yeah sure, they witness my wife being a toddler for 10-15 minutes a day. I don't yell back anymore. I just walk away. I usually talk to the oldest later about it.

Regarding the 3 y.o. I have had friends that the woman told the toddler that their dad "was an evil piece of shit who abandoned them". As such, they never got a chance to be a part of that kid's life. My wife totally WILL do that when I leave, she has even said so. She has also said I will never see any of them again if we get a divorce, I know she can't do that under the law, but she can always try to leave the country, or worse, and she has tried to kill herself before...This is the main reason I have not left her yet. She is unstable and unpredictable at times, often she is ok, but you never know which version of her you are going to get..... Regarding the poisoning them against me. It won't work on the oldest 2, but for him I am afraid it would.

Regarding giving them the house, I am hoping to do that to make the situation less hard on the kids. My mom is 77 and worth 2-3 mil. half of which I will inherit upon her death. I have asked her if I could borrow 500k against my inheritance and she said yes. I'm just hoping I can use that to eliminate alimony.

Regarding Mediate, I know, I am not expecting even or even close to that. I am convinced she wants to end up in court to make her case heard. She records me all the time... all of the 100s of records she has I would be happy for her to play in front of a court, or judge... If I wasn't paying by the hour.

[secondcor521]

I usually talk to the oldest later about it.

You're going through hard stuff.

On this, it's not clear what you meant.  I would encourage you to keep your relationship with your STBX away from the kids.  It's really tempting to explain to the kids how Mom is awful, but this can backfire quite easily and I don't think you want to go there in the long run.

As hard as it was, with one very minor one sentence exception, I treated my ex with respect in front of the kids and kept my thoughts and opinions to myself until my kids were full adults, and then only limited comments.  This was required by a blanket court order in our case, but I found it to be a wise approach in general so I stuck with it.

[Metalcat]

I usually talk to the oldest later about it.

You're going through hard stuff.

On this, it's not clear what you meant.  I would encourage you to keep your relationship with your STBX away from the kids.  It's really tempting to explain to the kids how Mom is awful, but this can backfire quite easily and I don't think you want to go there in the long run.

As hard as it was, with one very minor one sentence exception, I treated my ex with respect in front of the kids and kept my thoughts and opinions to myself until my kids were full adults, and then only limited comments.  This was required by a blanket court order in our case, but I found it to be a wise approach in general so I stuck with it.

It's REALLY helpful to have a therapist who has experience with kids/family therapy to help support how to talk to kids through a contentious divorce process.

A lot of what's intuitive to parents to do during divorces is harmful to kids and they don't even realize it. Most parents don't mean to harm their kids, but they can and do. Professional support is critical for navigating these risks.

[reeshau]

My wife totally WILL do that when I leave, she has even said so. She has also said I will never see any of them again if we get a divorce, I know she can't do that under the law, but she can always try to leave the country, or worse, and she has tried to kill herself before...This is the main reason I have not left her yet. She is unstable and unpredictable at times, often she is ok, but you never know which version of her you are going to get..... Regarding the poisoning them against me. It won't work on the oldest 2, but for him I am afraid it would.

This is all bad,  but...yikes.  So, you have talked about divorce already?  Or, she brings it up?  At the very least, it's in her mind enough to do...something...to head it off.  In the worst possible way...

Do you have relatives on her side that are sympathetic or that you can trust?  Maybe these issues pre-date your relationship.  Maybe she needs help, as much as anything, and needs to hear that from a 360 degree view of her life, not just you.  (Of course, the new " friends" probably won't help)

If not, then I would imagine, in her mind, her threats to you are effective, because you are staying.  That is not a base to rebuild off of, either.

What would you do if her condition was so bad, and the evidence so strong, that you had primary custody?  Is that a no-go, given your travel?  I wonder if it has gotten physical, or bad enough that a neighbor has called the cops, with some police reports as a paper trail.

Just as a note: if she does not have sole custody, then she needs your agreement to get passports for the kids:
https://dbmalaw.com/blog/international-travel-with-children-after-divorce#:~:text=What's%20required%20in%20order%20to,driver's%20license%20or%20state%20ID

There may be additional requirements, too, depending on the country she would try and move to.  This was a last-minute oops as we moved our family to Ireland; I went ahead for work, and DW and DS were coming afterward, after finishing up some things in the US.  Only as their flight approached, and I was already there, did the technicality of documentation to enter become known to us.  (Thanks, relo company!)  Like so many things, that's on the books isn't the daily experience.  Nothing came of it, but we did have to scramble for a $300 notary (NOT a free bank service in Ireland; a service of a solicitor (lawyer) ) and an international FedEx.

[reeshau]

I usually talk to the oldest later about it.

You're going through hard stuff.

On this, it's not clear what you meant.  I would encourage you to keep your relationship with your STBX away from the kids.  It's really tempting to explain to the kids how Mom is awful, but this can backfire quite easily and I don't think you want to go there in the long run.

As hard as it was, with one very minor one sentence exception, I treated my ex with respect in front of the kids and kept my thoughts and opinions to myself until my kids were full adults, and then only limited comments.  This was required by a blanket court order in our case, but I found it to be a wise approach in general so I stuck with it.

It's REALLY helpful to have a therapist who has experience with kids/family therapy to help support how to talk to kids through a contentious divorce process.

A lot of what's intuitive to parents to do during divorces is harmful to kids and they don't even realize it. Most parents don't mean to harm their kids, but they can and do. Professional support is critical for navigating these risks.

My folks divorced when I was 5.  I do remember going to therapy with Mom (no sign of Dad) at the time.  The only thing I remember is getting a Tootsie Pop with the kid's meal at Big Boy.  But I am sure my future-social-worker mom knew the drill, and so went to the trouble to do it.

I do remember being told to play in the basement (walk-out basement with play area) when they were going to have a big argument.  Of course I could hear it; at least the noise, if not the words.  I had nightmares about going down to a dark basement for years after that...

[Metalcat]

I usually talk to the oldest later about it.

You're going through hard stuff.

On this, it's not clear what you meant.  I would encourage you to keep your relationship with your STBX away from the kids.  It's really tempting to explain to the kids how Mom is awful, but this can backfire quite easily and I don't think you want to go there in the long run.

As hard as it was, with one very minor one sentence exception, I treated my ex with respect in front of the kids and kept my thoughts and opinions to myself until my kids were full adults, and then only limited comments.  This was required by a blanket court order in our case, but I found it to be a wise approach in general so I stuck with it.

It's REALLY helpful to have a therapist who has experience with kids/family therapy to help support how to talk to kids through a contentious divorce process.

A lot of what's intuitive to parents to do during divorces is harmful to kids and they don't even realize it. Most parents don't mean to harm their kids, but they can and do. Professional support is critical for navigating these risks.

My folks divorced when I was 5.  I do remember going to therapy with Mom (no sign of Dad) at the time.  The only thing I remember is getting a Tootsie Pop with the kid's meal at Big Boy.  But I am sure my future-social-worker mom knew the drill, and so went to the trouble to do it.

I do remember being told to play in the basement (walk-out basement with play area) when they were going to have a big argument.  Of course I could hear it; at least the noise, if not the words.  I had nightmares about going down to a dark basement for years after that...

Yeah, a lot of folks get therapy for their kids or do family therapy, but don't get enough therapy for themselves to actually navigate their own feelings and behaviors during a divorce.

What k advocate is individual therapy, but with someone with knowledge of child and/or family therapy so that they can best tailor the support to the situation.

[davef]

The oldest is wise beyond his years. I try to avoid arguments Infront of them, but my wife does it all the time...When she does, I say things like, I said today... It's always important to listen. First listen with the intent to understand. Treat everyone with respect. Did you see how she was disrespectful? do you think I was disrespectful to her? Always try to be respectful, even in an argument.

She is from the Philippines and the boys already have passports. But she doesn't have any close family there.... or anywhere else, only distant relatives. Her sister and cousins are here in the US but barely talk to her. At some point she crossed them with her narcissism too. I think they would trust me over her, but I'm not sure. Yes, she needs psychiatric help, but she has refused it for 18 years.

She now asks for a divorce almost daily. But I think she just uses that as tool of control. She doesn't actually want to talk about divorce, only to threaten me with that to control me.  When I have tried to talk equitable divorce she just says get me a lawyer...

[davef]

I've been through Individual and family Therapy, I tried a few months of each in 2021 and 2023 respectively. I learned some tools that were of value. I've also listened to dozens of audiobooks on the subject, and many podcasts too, so I am well informed.

I don't really have fear. Not in any real sense, I dont recall any real sense of fear for 30 or so years now. I have respect for things that can actually kill ot maul me. But I always considered fear, a misappropriation of a threat, that is, an unjustified response to a threat or non-threat.

My wife says I don't have any emotions... I am cool and calculating for sure, but I investigate aviation accidents for a living, I wouldn't be good at my job if I was easily frazzled.

[Metalcat]

I've been through Individual and family Therapy, I tried a few months of each in 2021 and 2023 respectively. I learned some tools that were of value. I've also listened to dozens of audiobooks on the subject, and many podcasts too, so I am well informed.

I don't really have fear. Not in any real sense, I dont recall any real sense of fear for 30 or so years now. I have respect for things that can actually kill ot maul me. But I always considered fear, a misappropriation of a threat, that is, an unjustified response to a threat or non-threat.

My wife says I don't have any emotions... I am cool and calculating for sure, but I investigate aviation accidents for a living, I wouldn't be good at my job if I was easily frazzled.

My recommendation for therapy is to have expert guidance on how to navigate the split with the health and well being of your children in mind. Whether you personally need support ifor dealing with what you have described and will deal with in a split is up to you, but unless you are an expert in child psychology, and even if you are, you and your children will likely benefit immensely with professional support navigating your behaviours in response to your future ex wife.

[Dicey]

This is probably not helpful, but I'm going to say it anyway. Even when your divorce is final, you will never be free of her. She is the mother of your children and will use this leverage at every possible opportunity. Document the shit out of everything you can before you ask for the divorce, then buckle up, because it's going to be a bumpy ride. Navigating this alone is a recipe for disaster. Take advantage of mediation, therapy, anything you can. I wish you the best of luck.

[MustacheAndaHalf]

davef - Have you read about "attachment theory"?  It claims there are three attachment styles: avoidant, anxious, and stable.  From your description of your wife being jealous in situations where it doesn't make sense, and you being cool and distant, it does sound like "anxious" and "avoidant" attachment styles.  I'm only a layperson, so if a professional like Metalcat wants to correct me, listen to her rather than me.  It might help you understand your wife better.

You mentioned things got bad two years ago, when your wife found new friends, but you didn't specify when the daily screaming matches started.  Are we talking a few weeks, or several months?  The former seems less divorce-worthy than the latter.

[davef]

Yes, I read 2 books on attachment theory. I am stable bordering on avoidant. She is Anxious, but claims to be stable. Its not daily screaming matches, Its her screaming as I walk away. I have gone full grey rock for several weeks now.

It used to be only in private, and once every few weeks.
but for the past year, its nearly a daily occurrence and, only in the past year, often in front of the kids or my parents.

[classicrando]

Regarding the 3 y.o. I have had friends that the woman told the toddler that their dad "was an evil piece of shit who abandoned them". As such, they never got a chance to be a part of that kid's life. My wife totally WILL do that when I leave, she has even said so. She has also said I will never see any of them again if we get a divorce, I know she can't do that under the law, but she can always try to leave the country, or worse, and she has tried to kill herself before...This is the main reason I have not left her yet. She is unstable and unpredictable at times, often she is ok, but you never know which version of her you are going to get..... Regarding the poisoning them against me. It won't work on the oldest 2, but for him I am afraid it would.

You need to look into Florida's Baker act.  Threatening to kill yourself or others can be grounds for a 72 hour involuntary commitment and evaluation.  She will have to talk to a psychologist at the facility, whether she likes it or not.  Police can invoke the act in the moment if they are called to the scene, and I think you can petition the court for one if you can present evidence.  Either way, this sort of behavior is definitely something that you want documented in an official capacity.  Also, you need a lawyer.  Like, right now.

This sucks and I'm sorry you're going through it.

[cpa cat]

Give some serious thought into finding a new job that requires less travel. It sounds like being in your children's lives is important to you. It's important to them too. It may mean some lifestyle changes, but at the end of the day, your kids will be better off if you are making half as much, but are available to them than they are if you keep traveling (whether or not you stay married).

It sounds like your mom is supportive. With the situation being what it is, you may wish to set up a situation where you are requesting primary custody, with a job that fits that arrangement, and with your mother's support with childcare.

[SunnyDays]

Regarding the 3 y.o. I have had friends that the woman told the toddler that their dad "was an evil piece of shit who abandoned them". As such, they never got a chance to be a part of that kid's life. My wife totally WILL do that when I leave, she has even said so. She has also said I will never see any of them again if we get a divorce, I know she can't do that under the law, but she can always try to leave the country, or worse, and she has tried to kill herself before...This is the main reason I have not left her yet. She is unstable and unpredictable at times, often she is ok, but you never know which version of her you are going to get..... Regarding the poisoning them against me. It won't work on the oldest 2, but for him I am afraid it would.

You need to look into Florida's Baker act.  Threatening to kill yourself or others can be grounds for a 72 hour involuntary commitment and evaluation.  She will have to talk to a psychologist at the facility, whether she likes it or not.  Police can invoke the act in the moment if they are called to the scene, and I think you can petition the court for one if you can present evidence.  Either way, this sort of behavior is definitely something that you want documented in an official capacity.  Also, you need a lawyer.  Like, right now.

This sucks and I'm sorry you're going through it.

I'm not familiar with Florida law, but I was also going to say that there needs to be some sort of medical documentation of her behaviour.  Reporting it to her doctor, or even calling a crisis intervention unit when she is losing it would be a step towards either forcing her to seek help or at least putting you on a better footing when custody arrangements are made.  I don't mean to scare you, but if she is that volatile, and has threatened to kill herself previously, it would be wise to be very cautious about her possibly harming the kids or you when divorce papers are filed.

Definitely document, and if at all possible, videotape her rants.  Line up as much support as you can.  It's good that your parents have witnessed her behaviour.  Seeing a therapist with the older boys would also have the benefit of involving a mandated reporter, who must contact authorities if he/she feels it's warranted.

You're in a tough spot.  Can you take some time off work to deal with everything?

[GilesMM]

She sounds like a nutcase, at least based on your side of the story.   I would decide what steps, if any, you are willing to take to protect the kids before turning the key on the nuclear option (divorce).

[HPstache]

One thing that really jumps out to me is how difficult it is (speaking from experience) having a SAH spouse feel like you are considering them as equal in terms of effort required (especially with 3 young boys).  Have you expressed this to her?  Does she know that your recognize her job staying at home with the kids as just as important as you bringing home the income?  Being a solo parent while you are gone for a large chunk of the year is going to put a strain on any marriage.  Is that what the arguments/fights are about?

[Catbert]

Someone else has likely already said this, but...spend the money for an hour or two of a good divorce attorney's time.  Not to start the process but to find out what your rights are in a divorce, how FL divorce law applies to your situation and how it will play out if you end up needing the court decide asset split and alimony/child support.

Oh, and locate and hide your children's passports.

[Tyson]

If she's accusing you of cheating AND she's got a 'girls night out' with divorced friends, I'm willing to bet she's already cheating on you and projecting her guilt on to you.

[davef]

Maybe.
I know what you say is a strong indicator, but I have not seen any other indicators.

Sunny,
Thats good info, thank you.

[Tyson]

With a lot of cheaters there is evidence on their phone.  Ask her to see her phone and if she says ok then she is probably not cheating.  If she guards it like a hawk then she is.

[Tasse]

I honestly don't see that as super relevant information. The relationship is not healthy right now, period. If there is interest by both parties in repair, then yes, the issue of trust will need to be addressed. If OP is leaning towards a split, which I'm inferring based on the name of the thread, then heightening the tension with added suspicion doesn't seem to serve anyone.

[Kris]

This relationship definitely does not sound salvageable. Truthfully, whatever happens, the best thing that OP can do for the kids is to get out of this quagmire of toxicity as soon as possible. Whatever follows must almost necessarily be better for them.