My Quest to find a Frugal Wife/Girlfriend

[DebtFreeBy25]

Are you set on having children? If not, you should consider looking for women who are child-free (do not have kids and do not want kids).
 
Why? Because when you're child-free, there's no need to follow the traditional life trajectory. When you're not planning your future around children, you can travel at whatever age you choose. There's no rush to squeeze all this life into the time before you have kids. (Obviously, there are people who have children who still travel and do the things they want, but kids change both your priorities and your balance sheet.) I suspect that the reason that traveling in your 40s is too late for some is because those people see themselves with school age children when they're in their 40s.

[ender]

Here's the joy of it all though, you can be a couple AND financially separate!

I've been with my current girlfriend for a year and a half now. We live together, hang out together, do groceries together, the usual. However, if she wants to splash out, she does. If I want to tighten the purse strings, I do! She loves buying clothes and going on a nice holiday once a year and it doesn't affect me one jot.

She's come around to my frugal ways a lot and that's fine and great but she doesn't have to. Just as I don't have to buy more clothes or go on nice overseas holidays.

Living in NZ isn't really a factor, Im in Chch and I've never had this issue.

Being straight with you though, why would you go negatively geared? This is why you're trapped! It's not much more than gambling on the value to go up, get something positively geared in Hamilton or something if you want to invest. Then you've got future capital gains and most importantly, your freedom!

This typically will not work for a married couple.  If she wants to continue to spend and you want to tighten the purse strings, difficulties will arise.

So I keep getting told but I'm really not sure why. We live as though we were married, same house, shared groceries and some shared expenses. No children, does children make a difference? We'd just split that expense too though.

Maybe OP should linger around charity shops and clearance sections of the supermarket. If you don't find the lady types, at least you might find a bargain....

I think the problem is going to be more that eventually you run into conflicting priorities.

If your SO is more of a roommate when convenient than a long term commitment that's fine. But realistically, since you read here you probably want to FIRE at some point. It sounds like your SO won't be able to at that point.

When that happens, you'll have the awkward situation where you want to do things she can't do (since you won't work and she will). For example traveling extensively as a couple will not be possible, unless you subsidize her lack of income or otherwise allow her to take the time of work if she's not FI.

For a married couple, what you are describing is basically setting the FIRE seeking individual up for failure, because they can get burned in a variety of ways. Perhaps spouse doesn't want to RE and spends money recklessly. Perhaps there is a divorce (keep in mind that separate finances logistically and legally may be very different, plenty of people here have been burned by a divorce from a financial aspect). Perhaps 1 spouse retires, the other doesn't, and now conflicting priorities cause problems from a "what does life look like" perspective.

As a couple planning a life together, having shared goals is quite important, whatever those goals are. If one spouse wants to FIRE and the other doesn't, it makes having shared goals for a lot of life pretty difficult because the entire point of FIRE is better enabling life goals.

[ReadySetMillionaire]

Here's the joy of it all though, you can be a couple AND financially separate!

I've been with my current girlfriend for a year and a half now. We live together, hang out together, do groceries together, the usual. However, if she wants to splash out, she does. If I want to tighten the purse strings, I do! She loves buying clothes and going on a nice holiday once a year and it doesn't affect me one jot.

She's come around to my frugal ways a lot and that's fine and great but she doesn't have to. Just as I don't have to buy more clothes or go on nice overseas holidays.

Living in NZ isn't really a factor, Im in Chch and I've never had this issue.

Being straight with you though, why would you go negatively geared? This is why you're trapped! It's not much more than gambling on the value to go up, get something positively geared in Hamilton or something if you want to invest. Then you've got future capital gains and most importantly, your freedom!

This typically will not work for a married couple.  If she wants to continue to spend and you want to tighten the purse strings, difficulties will arise.

So I keep getting told but I'm really not sure why. We live as though we were married, same house, shared groceries and some shared expenses. No children, does children make a difference? We'd just split that expense too though.

Maybe OP should linger around charity shops and clearance sections of the supermarket. If you don't find the lady types, at least you might find a bargain....

I think the problem is going to be more that eventually you run into conflicting priorities.

If your SO is more of a roommate when convenient than a long term commitment that's fine. But realistically, since you read here you probably want to FIRE at some point. It sounds like your SO won't be able to at that point.

When that happens, you'll have the awkward situation where you want to do things she can't do (since you won't work and she will). For example traveling extensively as a couple will not be possible, unless you subsidize her lack of income or otherwise allow her to take the time of work if she's not FI.

For a married couple, what you are describing is basically setting the FIRE seeking individual up for failure, because they can get burned in a variety of ways. Perhaps spouse doesn't want to RE and spends money recklessly. Perhaps there is a divorce (keep in mind that separate finances logistically and legally may be very different, plenty of people here have been burned by a divorce from a financial aspect). Perhaps 1 spouse retires, the other doesn't, and now conflicting priorities cause problems from a "what does life look like" perspective.

As a couple planning a life together, having shared goals is quite important, whatever those goals are. If one spouse wants to FIRE and the other doesn't, it makes having shared goals for a lot of life pretty difficult because the entire point of FIRE is better enabling life goals.

Just really really really want to +1 this.  AndyP2010--my GF and I have almost the exact same arrangement as you. We bought a house together, share all utilities, share a couple other expenses, etc.

But I can tell you that if I want to FIRE, I absolutely need her to be on board. No questions asked for all the reasons the above poster just mentioned. You simply cannot do something this big on your own and then tell your life partner, "Yep, you need to keep working to maintain your half." That's not how it works.

Furthermore, there was a thread on here recently about whether to marry or not and how that affects FIRE (hopefully someone else can find it). And the almost unanimous consensus was that everything in life and society--the tax code, healthcare, etc.--adds up to the fact that the easiest way to FIRE is to get married and pursue it jointly.

My suggestion is to go look at a compound interest calculator. Add your contribution and seek how long it takes you to get FIRE. Then add what your GF can do and I can almost guarantee that we are talking a HUGE difference between FIRE dates.

Bottom line, I think, is that FIRE is as big of a goal as getting married and having kids, and both partners need to be on board for that to happen happily and successfully.

[andyp2010]

Here's the joy of it all though, you can be a couple AND financially separate!

I've been with my current girlfriend for a year and a half now. We live together, hang out together, do groceries together, the usual. However, if she wants to splash out, she does. If I want to tighten the purse strings, I do! She loves buying clothes and going on a nice holiday once a year and it doesn't affect me one jot.

She's come around to my frugal ways a lot and that's fine and great but she doesn't have to. Just as I don't have to buy more clothes or go on nice overseas holidays.

Living in NZ isn't really a factor, Im in Chch and I've never had this issue.

Being straight with you though, why would you go negatively geared? This is why you're trapped! It's not much more than gambling on the value to go up, get something positively geared in Hamilton or something if you want to invest. Then you've got future capital gains and most importantly, your freedom!

This typically will not work for a married couple.  If she wants to continue to spend and you want to tighten the purse strings, difficulties will arise.

So I keep getting told but I'm really not sure why. We live as though we were married, same house, shared groceries and some shared expenses. No children, does children make a difference? We'd just split that expense too though.

Maybe OP should linger around charity shops and clearance sections of the supermarket. If you don't find the lady types, at least you might find a bargain....

I think the problem is going to be more that eventually you run into conflicting priorities.

If your SO is more of a roommate when convenient than a long term commitment that's fine. But realistically, since you read here you probably want to FIRE at some point. It sounds like your SO won't be able to at that point.

When that happens, you'll have the awkward situation where you want to do things she can't do (since you won't work and she will). For example traveling extensively as a couple will not be possible, unless you subsidize her lack of income or otherwise allow her to take the time of work if she's not FI.

For a married couple, what you are describing is basically setting the FIRE seeking individual up for failure, because they can get burned in a variety of ways. Perhaps spouse doesn't want to RE and spends money recklessly. Perhaps there is a divorce (keep in mind that separate finances logistically and legally may be very different, plenty of people here have been burned by a divorce from a financial aspect). Perhaps 1 spouse retires, the other doesn't, and now conflicting priorities cause problems from a "what does life look like" perspective.

As a couple planning a life together, having shared goals is quite important, whatever those goals are. If one spouse wants to FIRE and the other doesn't, it makes having shared goals for a lot of life pretty difficult because the entire point of FIRE is better enabling life goals.

Just really really really want to +1 this.  AndyP2010--my GF and I have almost the exact same arrangement as you. We bought a house together, share all utilities, share a couple other expenses, etc.

But I can tell you that if I want to FIRE, I absolutely need her to be on board. No questions asked for all the reasons the above poster just mentioned. You simply cannot do something this big on your own and then tell your life partner, "Yep, you need to keep working to maintain your half." That's not how it works.

Furthermore, there was a thread on here recently about whether to marry or not and how that affects FIRE (hopefully someone else can find it). And the almost unanimous consensus was that everything in life and society--the tax code, healthcare, etc.--adds up to the fact that the easiest way to FIRE is to get married and pursue it jointly.

My suggestion is to go look at a compound interest calculator. Add your contribution and seek how long it takes you to get FIRE. Then add what your GF can do and I can almost guarantee that we are talking a HUGE difference between FIRE dates.

Bottom line, I think, is that FIRE is as big of a goal as getting married and having kids, and both partners need to be on board for that to happen happily and successfully.

 I am FIRE'd. Of sorts. We met when I was just about to give up my 9-5. I do the occasional work on rentals but I'm a free man really. 5 hours a week max, mostly pen pushing. We're both ridiculously independent and don't want one subsidising the other (it could very likely go the other way in terms of who earns more once she finishes her masters), at least not until we've both reached our individual goals for ourselves. It's a pride thing for both of us.

I make her journey to succeed (shes not entirely sold on retiring young) a bit easier where I can. Cup of tea in the morning, cooked meal when she gets home from work, I do a lot around the house, fix her car up and just day to day things. Not out of necessity or guilt either. She's not as stingy but that's fine, it doesn't affect me. Practically impossible to fall out about money this way.

We've discussed this at length, there's no resentment.

I've been through a quasi-de facto divorce previously and we've already signed agreements and put our respective things into trusts etc. Means we can have a normal relationship without the sword of Damocles hanging over. We've both got an exit strategy if either of us isn't happy.

It sounds awfully calculating and loveless when I write this but it's really not. It's a definite partnership. We just do our best to clear away and clarify the shit that most couples get bogged down in.

I also recognise that I'm ridiculously lucky in many ways here. I do maintain it's possible to keep your independence and personal goals and be a functional couple.