Author Topic: My hair's on fire, I'm stuck in a swarm of killer bees and sinking in quicksand  (Read 5580 times)

non geordie beth

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I started hanging round here about five weeks or so ago, or a lifetime ago, heartily facepunching myself for letting myself get sucked back into the cycle of debt that I'd managed to escape from once previously. Wishing that we had savings (or, hey, even just a net worth above zero) so that we could start to work towards financial freedom. I was already looking at our budget and trying to cut back to get it paid off quicker than the three years I currently project it to take until our debt is paid off and we can start actually saving.

Then DP got a letter from his work. A letter saying he was suspended on full pay. Then he was sacked.

We're both reeling, really. In the meantime he's managed to get another job starting soon. But it pays less, and we're going to have to pay three times as much in nursery fees for our DS than we do currently. So based on my current projections (admittedly with relatively conservative figures - I try to anticipate relatively high spending on food, phone calls, etc - I'd rather underspend than overspend) our budget is currently over £80 overspent every month.

Like I say, my hair's on fire, I'm surrounded by killer bees and sinking in quicksand. Possibly while molten lava flows towards me.

And that's before you figure in the gap between jobs, which leaves us with a gap of over £300 for next month. We can plug it with money we have saved for car repairs, insurance, etc (luckily we've just repaired nearly every part of our car and paid the insurance for the next year, so it doesn't actually leave us short borrowing this money and we can save it back up before anything else is due) but... I'm really, really scared.

DH has seen the budget and I think genuinely thinks that I can just magically patch up the gap every single month. That's even though he knows (.... now) that I overspent massively while on maternity leave and built our debts back up again. (Not that I'm likely to make that mistake again though, I suppose.) The likelihood is that I can, of course, but it will mean that every month is stressful until we can reduce our outgoings some more or bring in some extra money. (There's a good chance he'll get a better paying job relatively quickly tbf which would really help.)

I'm reluctant to push him too hard, as his self esteem is at an all time low (understandably, he's been treated abysmally) and we're both finding it hard to keep it normal for our DS. And he hates keeping to a budget - I suspect because of past history - although he's doing really well in general at keeping things to a minimum at the mo.

But. When he drives to the shop that's LESS THAN HALF A MILE'S WALK AWAY, even after agreeing that we have to massively reduce use of our car... and when he refuses to even consider cancelling our Sky subscription... well.

I'm not really looking for concrete suggestions right now. I think I just want someone to tell me that it's worth it to keep fighting. It's not going to get any better if I pretend things aren't shit, is it? It will only get worse. I REALLY don't want to have to declare myself bankrupt for the sake of what is currently just £7k worth of debt. That isn't insurmountable... no?

Keep the food shopping to a reasonable level; keep the phone calls cheap or free or text instead; thank my lucky stars that I recently got a fixed price deal on gas and electricity that's good for four years and have avoided the recent price rises; don't send picture texts; bike or walk where possible and avoid the car.

I can do it. It's just going to hurt like hell for a while.

happy

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Seven thousand pound of debt is not insurmountable, no.
What I get from your post is fear and loathing...fear that if you have to say no to spending it will be OMG awful!

See if you can turn this into a fun game somehow. Try a no-spend on grocery week, or some other no-spend challenge. Try frugality as a fun game to outwit those evil bosses who sacked him.  You need a resourceful and mischievous attitude.

(Also, maybe you could sell some stuff to re-coup the 300 pound deficit.)

apennysaved

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When I am overwhelmed, I like reading other people's journals.  I especially like this one as the family has come so far in a year. 

https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/journals/the-start-ns-journal/

Hopefully, it will give you more ideas and be an inspiration.  You can do this.

lbdance

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I believe you can do it, because you are aware of the situation and not just ignoring it and hoping for the best

It will require for both you and your DP to be on the same page, which could mean having some 'unpleasant' conversations.
I can understand that he may not be in the best place at the moment, having been treated badly. But that is no excuse for him to ignore what is happening and expect you to fix it by yourself.

You will probably find many examples if you read through the forums of people who have come back from situations worse than this, so it is definitely achievable.
Set small goals, and just keep swimming

MilStachian

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NGB,
I'm sorry your family is going through this.  The great news is that you've discovered this site and you are educating yourself about better money habits.

While your husband is reeling (like you said, his self-esteem was kicked in the nuts), we can use that to help motivate him.

Have him read this short article by an author featured here on this blog.  He discusses the importance of "fuck-you money".  It might motivate him to save and cut out the unnecessary luxuries for a while so you two can rebuild.

http://jlcollinsnh.com/2011/06/06/why-you-need-f-you-money/

Fuck you money allows all of us to never be beholden to someone else again.  We can work because we want to, and if he's ever treated "abysmally" again, he can give them the finger and leave.

Ms Betterhome

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NGB, what a tough situation. You CAN do it, I know people with way bigger debts who have not only survived, but thrived.

non geordie beth

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Thank you all. I feel a bit better for getting it off my chest.

Seven thousand pound of debt is not insurmountable, no.
What I get from your post is fear and loathing...fear that if you have to say no to spending it will be OMG awful!
Funnily enough, no. I have managed to switch my brain quite successfully to hate spending money. Our toaster broke; I found one on freegle (equivalent of freecycle). Our kettle broke (yes at the same time... helpful!!); I'm boiling water on the stove until I can find a second hand one, cheap or preferably free. There is an album out by my favourite band; I haven't bought it yet (and you'd have to know how obsessed I am to know what a big thing this is!).

What I'm hating is the idea of being Relationship Budget Cop. I don't want to tell DH he can't buy his comics, or drive to the (close by) shops. I want him to man up and realise it himself.

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See if you can turn this into a fun game somehow. Try a no-spend on grocery week, or some other no-spend challenge. Try frugality as a fun game to outwit those evil bosses who sacked him.  You need a resourceful and mischievous attitude.
Love this idea. Will see if I can sell him on it!

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(Also, maybe you could sell some stuff to re-coup the 300 pound deficit.)
Already on it!

When I am overwhelmed, I like reading other people's journals.  I especially like this one as the family has come so far in a year. 

https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/journals/the-start-ns-journal/

Hopefully, it will give you more ideas and be an inspiration.  You can do this.
Yeah, that's amazing. Thanks for sharing the link. It makes me feel a bit more hopeful.

I believe you can do it, because you are aware of the situation and not just ignoring it and hoping for the best

It will require for both you and your DP to be on the same page, which could mean having some 'unpleasant' conversations.
I can understand that he may not be in the best place at the moment, having been treated badly. But that is no excuse for him to ignore what is happening and expect you to fix it by yourself.
Yes. Thank you for that. I need to be gentle, but I need to make him understand, don't I?

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You will probably find many examples if you read through the forums of people who have come back from situations worse than this, so it is definitely achievable.
Set small goals, and just keep swimming
'Keep swimming' may just be my new mantra! Thanks for that.

NGB,
I'm sorry your family is going through this.  The great news is that you've discovered this site and you are educating yourself about better money habits.

While your husband is reeling (like you said, his self-esteem was kicked in the nuts), we can use that to help motivate him.

Have him read this short article by an author featured here on this blog.  He discusses the importance of "fuck-you money".  It might motivate him to save and cut out the unnecessary luxuries for a while so you two can rebuild.

http://jlcollinsnh.com/2011/06/06/why-you-need-f-you-money/

Fuck you money allows all of us to never be beholden to someone else again.  We can work because we want to, and if he's ever treated "abysmally" again, he can give them the finger and leave.
I think I need to encourage him to do this. First step, though, PAY OFF EVERY PENNY WE OWE....

NGB, what a tough situation. You CAN do it, I know people with way bigger debts who have not only survived, but thrived.
Thank you. It does help to remember that there are others in worse situations...

t's worth it to keep fighting. It's not going to get any better if I pretend things aren't shit[....] It will only get worse.

I can do it. It's just going to hurt like hell for a while.

You don't need us to tell you.  You know the truth.  You spelled it all out in your post.  I'm just quoting you back to you (with a few edits to make it sink in as the truth it is.

Yes, your hair is on fire, you are stuck in a swarm of bees and sinking in quicksand.  But you are in the right place to get help.   You (and your partner) just have to be willing to listen to the cold hard truth (=you cannot spend more than you earn and have a successful, stress-free life) and make some changes. 

There was an American TV program back in the '80s called McGyver.  The central character was this guy who would get into all kinds of messy situations (I think he was a private detective or something), and then find creative ways to get out of them using the materials at hand.  MMM and the people on this forum remind me of McGyver.  We're good at making use of our own smarts and whatever is available and getting ourselves and others out of really ugly situations.  Stick around and listen to us and we can help you put out that fire, shoo off those killer bees, and pull you out of the quicksand. 

Deep breaths and keep putting one foot in front of the other.  You and your partner can do this.  Put your son's future at the forefront of your thinking.  What you do now to get yourselves back on track financially will have enormous benefits to him in the long run.  Is driving to the store worth putting him and his future at risk?  Is keeping cable worth putting him and his future at risk?  Maybe putting DS and his welfare at the center of things is a good way to approach this. 

I think keeping DS as the main reason is the key to everything. I don't think I deserve very much from life, but I think DS deserves an awesome mum (and dad), and quite often I will actually DO things that I know I should do just because he deserves it. He is an amazing little boy, and he keeps us smiling when things seem bleak.

Thank you everyone for your support. It really does help.

happy

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I have managed to switch my brain quite successfully to hate spending money.

Excellent! (Tried and failed to upload image of Mr Burns saying this...just use your imagination)

MsSindy

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First, I always say to "start with yourself" and be a role model for living frugally - which means that you don't get the new CD of your favorite band (even though your hubby just bought a comic book) - you need to show strength and restraint.  You really need to set an example for your family.  This also includes buying things for your DS.  As amazing as he is, he probably doesn't NEED a whole lot to make him happy.  I'm guessing from your post, that you don't work outside of the home, is there anyway that you could babysit or something to bring in a little extra cash?

Also, you really need to get your DH to realize the mess you're in.  You need something that will visually remind him.  I would suggest that you make a graph of where your finances will be in 1 year's time running on a deficit every month - it will be more than 7k.  Then, you say, but the good news is that with some changes, we can prevent this from happening.  Then you lay out the changes (go for the least painful ones first that will make the most impact - and start with yourself!).

Then, on a weekly basis, I suggest that you make something visual (graph, Excel, or hand drawn) that shows: this is the money that is coming in this month, this is what we've spent so far, this is what we have already committed for (budget of rent, electricity, credit card, etc.), and this is how much we are projected to be over/under.  This will easily identify the fact that you don't have any extra $$ for comic books or whatever.  This will help in a conversation with DH on where you guys decide TOGETHER what areas need to be reduced (food, electricity usage, gasoline, etc.).  You need to be a team.

You are running so close to the edge, you can't do this alone, you need your DH's support and commitment to getting your finances back on track.

 

Wow, a phone plan for fifteen bucks!