Author Topic: Moving Into Boyfriend's House - Fair Rent?  (Read 35443 times)

bsmith

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Re: Moving Into Boyfriend's House - Fair Rent?
« Reply #100 on: December 19, 2015, 07:12:04 PM »
I don't like this guy. You can do better.

Goldielocks

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Re: Moving Into Boyfriend's House - Fair Rent?
« Reply #101 on: December 20, 2015, 12:07:56 AM »
I don't think he is ready to co-habitate.  HE is approaching this as a financial room mate problem.  You are approaching it as a BF/GF who are embarking on many years living together.


To be generous, it could just be that when he thinks about money, it is with a compartmentalized "logical brain" that does not have thoughts of your relationship anywhere near it.   This is not a good sign for living together, where you need your partner to look at emotional issues alongside financial ones. 

Not so generous though is that he is not ready to commit to you (yet?) and may not realize that he is keeping his options open for someone better right now.

At this time, approach it yourself as a room mate problem.  Let's say he was just someone you met, who is looking for a room, and you know them through an introduction by your second cousin...   would you even move for $600?   

If no, don't flip your life around for someone who is not committing to you.







music lover

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Re: Moving Into Boyfriend's House - Fair Rent?
« Reply #102 on: December 20, 2015, 12:09:22 PM »
I don't like this guy. You can do better.

Perhaps he can do better. If you've already forgotten (like many people have), she is the one looking to rent for less than fair market value, not him. Who is really being taken advantage of??

LeRainDrop

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Re: Moving Into Boyfriend's House - Fair Rent?
« Reply #103 on: December 20, 2015, 12:56:52 PM »
My thoughts based on the OP:

(1)  Unless you two are married or engaged, then I think the fair way to split an apartment with your boyfriend is 50/50.  It is pretty selfish of you to expect him to pay more just because he has chosen a more lucrative career path.  If he were to offer to pay more, then that would be very generous of him and a good sign of how he feels about your relationship.  However, since he has not offered to pay more on an apartment, which I think is perfectly reasonable of him, then you need to pony up your half.  If I were him, and not yet committed to marriage, then I absolutely would feel like you are trying to take advantage of me.

(2)  Regarding the house, since it sounds like he is approaching it based on his budget and his preferred location, and your name will not be on the deed, this is really a purchase of his house, not yours.  I'd have to say that it sounds like he's just not that into you -- he may love you and care a great deal about you, but these actions imply to me that he is not yet committed to marriage or long-term cohabitation with you.  I think you should pay a price approaching fair market value of him renting a room to you.  $900 including utilities sounds like a great bargain to me -- your $600 suggestion would be insulting to me if I were him.  Also, I think it's dumb that you are looking at the value of his mortgage after the tax deduction -- you are really skimping on him.  If you're going to take into account the tax deduction, then you better add in all his maintenance, utilities, and home improvement costs on the other side.  It sounds to me like you want to get most of the benefits from his home purchase, and leave him the least of the benefits.  Even $900 per month is SURELY LESS THAN  1/3 of his monthly costs for this home.

In sum, it really sounds like the two of you are in different places in how you feel about this relationship.  If you can't even get a simple agreement on splitting the housing costs, how are you going to feel about dividing other living expenses, like groceries, meals out, etc?  I just foresee so much resentment and arguing over money in your future if you move in together now, without resolving these issues first.  And then it really sucks even more if you're already living together and then have to deal with a break-up.

MrMonkeyMustache

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Re: Moving Into Boyfriend's House - Fair Rent?
« Reply #104 on: December 20, 2015, 01:30:34 PM »
If you'r not gaining equity in the house you should not contribute to the mortgage. Him paying 100% of the mortgage expenses and you two splitting all other non-equity building expenses (taxes, utilities etc.) 50/50 seems like a no brainer to me.

PharmaStache

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Re: Moving Into Boyfriend's House - Fair Rent?
« Reply #105 on: December 20, 2015, 01:36:07 PM »
I'd have to say that it sounds like he's just not that into you -- he may love you and care a great deal about you, but these actions imply to me that he is not yet committed to marriage or long-term cohabitation with you

This.  OP should totally go read the book. 

I'm a little confused if OP wants to get married / is looking for a common law relationship with her boyfriend, but seeing that they've been together 4 years leads me to believe she does.  OP, if he was "into you", you'd be married and you would be on the house title.  And you'd be entitled to 50% of the house.  Unless you're cool with a casual relationship, break it off and live by yourself.

tj

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Re: Moving Into Boyfriend's House - Fair Rent?
« Reply #106 on: December 20, 2015, 01:45:18 PM »
If you'r not gaining equity in the house you should not contribute to the mortgage. Him paying 100% of the mortgage expenses and you two splitting all other non-equity building expenses (taxes, utilities etc.) 50/50 seems like a no brainer to me.

That sounds ridiculous to me. If this is a 500k house in CA, then property taxes are 5k per year, utilities are probably no more than $400 month if they are not remotely frugal, so you are saying that she should  pay around $450/month, while the major housing cost, the mortgage, on a 30 year mortgage of 400k, would be what $2,000/month, and he would pay 1/2 the utilities in addition to that?

That seems very selfish of the low-earner, to feel entitled to not pay rent just because the higher earner is building equity in their residence. You need to look at how much you would save by renting somewhere alone vs cohabitation, there should be an easily identifiable spot where both come out ahead financially by the cohabitation. Of course, this is the consequence of purchasing a huge financial asset like this before you are married....and why it is generally not recommended.
« Last Edit: December 20, 2015, 01:48:49 PM by tj »

use2betrix

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Re: Moving Into Boyfriend's House - Fair Rent?
« Reply #107 on: December 20, 2015, 02:14:21 PM »
If you'r not gaining equity in the house you should not contribute to the mortgage. Him paying 100% of the mortgage expenses and you two splitting all other non-equity building expenses (taxes, utilities etc.) 50/50 seems like a no brainer to me.

This is a GREAT idea!! The only problem is, you're forgetting INTEREST which is not part of equity.

Let's do a little rough math here.

Say for a $500,000 loan with no PMI, 30 years, and a 3.8% interest rate (guess?) his mortgage payment will be  $2300. Starting out, it will be about $750/mo towards principal and $1550/mo towards interest. Those two won't even be 50/50 for almost 10 years.

Take another $500/mo for property taxes/insurance, then another $300 for all utilities/internet, etc. that puts us around his $3000/mo amount. Take out the $750/mo principal and you have $2250. So they split that, and get $1125.

By your logic, that $900 is a sweet bargain!


All joking aside, neither seem ready for marriage, and only hearing even just the OP side of the story and logic, it sounds like she is just as guilty as he is for thinking about "me me me" instead of them acting as one.

MrMonkeyMustache

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Re: Moving Into Boyfriend's House - Fair Rent?
« Reply #108 on: December 20, 2015, 02:51:32 PM »
Interest is a mortgage related expense and should not be split. He is buying a house. They are not buying a house. She should not fund his retirement accounts and she should not pay for his house.

If he is paying for the TV he bought when she moves in, he should pay 100% of those payments (including the interest) even though they are both using it. He bought it, they didn't buy it. They can split the expenses of using it (e.g. cable) 50/50.

If he wants a roommate he can get one. I guess they are not billing each other rent for using cars or TV's, or billing for cleaning the others messes or for sexual favours, so they should not be billing for lodging. If he is not prepared to share the house with his GF then he shoudn't, and that is ok. But she is not just some tenant, so billing her is weird.

I'm not saying they can't agree for her to pay more. There is no right answer as long as both parties agree. But automatically assuming that he has some kind of right to make her participate in buildig his wealth is just... meh...

tj

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Re: Moving Into Boyfriend's House - Fair Rent?
« Reply #109 on: December 20, 2015, 03:04:59 PM »
Interest is a mortgage related expense and should not be split. He is buying a house. They are not buying a house. She should not fund his retirement accounts and she should not pay for his house.

If he is paying for the TV he bought when she moves in, he should pay 100% of those payments (including the interest) even though they are both using it. He bought it, they didn't buy it. They can split the expenses of using it (e.g. cable) 50/50.

If he wants a roommate he can get one. I guess they are not billing each other rent for using cars or TV's, or billing for cleaning the others messes or for sexual favours, so they should not be billing for lodging. If he is not prepared to share the house with his GF then he shoudn't, and that is ok. But she is not just some tenant, so billing her is weird.

I'm not saying they can't agree for her to pay more. There is no right answer as long as both parties agree. But automatically assuming that he has some kind of right to make her participate in buildig his wealth is just... meh...

I think that if he wanted a roommate, he'd be expecting significantly more monetary contributions than it appears.

mm1970

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Re: Moving Into Boyfriend's House - Fair Rent?
« Reply #110 on: December 20, 2015, 06:10:15 PM »
I don't like this guy. You can do better.

Perhaps he can do better. If you've already forgotten (like many people have), she is the one looking to rent for less than fair market value, not him. Who is really being taken advantage of??
"Better" depends on your perspective.

If by him finding someone "better" you mean, with more money, sure.

It sounds like she'd rather not increase her rent.   It doesn't sound like she's pushing him to buy a house, or get a better/bigger expensive place, and have him subsidize it.  I mean, he's the one pushing for the house, and she's expected to go along with the ride, and pay whatever he wants and also increase her commute?

I'm old fashioned (didn't move in with my husband until a year after we married), but if I'd decided that I could afford "X", I wouldn't pay more than "X" to live with a boyfriend.

Runrooster

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Re: Moving Into Boyfriend's House - Fair Rent?
« Reply #111 on: December 20, 2015, 07:01:30 PM »
+1 on Dan ariely and social norms.  Sorry but what if genders reversed doesn't work for me.  Genders aren't on level playing fields in dating, if a woman spends 4 years on a relationship that goes nowhere, that's a large chunk of her fertile/dating time.  To put in market terms, most men will contribute more financially, so he should upgrade accordingly.

I'm female and a math/logic geek so I also had a hard time accepting it when guys wanted to pay for dates.  One time, we were both grad students and not only did the guy research an interesting outing (rare!) and drive, but he then sensed my discomfort with the friends/dating line and backed way off on the ride home.  (I heard later he was pretty smitten and was worried he'd overplayed).  I was trying to drop my share of the food bill accidentally in his car.  That's not my $20, I have no idea where that came from.  Not to be rude or make it less of a date, but its the kind of reciprocity I was raised with.  At the same time, he refused to let me fake drop the money, because yeah.  The final result is less interesting to me than the nudges every step, that both of us are tripping over ourselves to give more.  I know the alternative - staying home, hanging with other people - is less enjoyable to me and I'm happy to bring my resources to bear.  Another night maybe I would have paid the tip or came up with a theater outing and cooked dinner or suggested we take public transportation because parking is ridiculous.  If I had a car and he didn't, I'd drive.  It's not because I'm spineless or a feminist, I've been in strict 50/50 situations and your idea/ you pay situations. 

But pretty much every time a social relationship works out, I notice that we both feel like we've gotten the better end of the deal.  We both feel like we should give more (but accept the others generosity).  In this case, it feels like the bf should pay extra /charge nothing for op to live with him, since 1. He will probably get a cleaner house, better (cheaper) dinner, and certainly more sex that way.  2. If he wants to charge market rate, he better expect to live with a slob who has male visitors stay overnight and runs off with the juice maker when she leaves.  That is, if you want a roommate off craigslist, be prepared for a roommate off Craigslist.  If he wants a less serious dating relationship, he should be prepared to drive to her apartment or job, take her out for dinner/theater/movie, stay at her place or drive her back to her apartment in the morning.  I assume his dating bill will drop by at least $900/ month because living together is now acceptable for dinner to be pizza and movie to be a cheap DVD and a beer to be $1 instead of $8.

JLee

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Re: Moving Into Boyfriend's House - Fair Rent?
« Reply #112 on: December 20, 2015, 07:17:21 PM »
If you'r not gaining equity in the house you should not contribute to the mortgage. Him paying 100% of the mortgage expenses and you two splitting all other non-equity building expenses (taxes, utilities etc.) 50/50 seems like a no brainer to me.

This is an absurd notion. She is gaining a place to live. That isn't free.

I would not do it. He should want to help you. He is the only one gaining anything.

I disagree.  I am sure if he advertised on craigslist $900 with all utilities paid, his phone would be ringing off the hook.

What he could get for it on craigslist is beside the point.   Only if she was already planning to pay at least that much for housing could she be seen as trying to take advantage of the situation.  He purchased the house of his own volition for an amount that he (supposedly) could afford.  This wasn't a joint decision taking her budget into account.  He wants her to move into his bedroom (not a craigslist room for rent) for the pleasure of her company and to subsidize his mortgage payment apparently.  She gains nothing except the pain of stretching her income for a while, while risking the demise of the relationship and no where to live when that occurs. 

Regardless of who is "right," this is an awful way to start a life together, if that is what you are trying to do.  Get a place that you can afford and see how things go for a while.

So let me get this straight...you're saying:

He gets: Pleasure of her company and a subsidized mortgage payment

She gets: Nothing.

So...the pleasure of his company doesn't count? A place to live at under market rate doesn't count?

pbkmaine

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Re: Moving Into Boyfriend's House - Fair Rent?
« Reply #113 on: December 20, 2015, 07:52:10 PM »
It's not the place she would have chosen, it's more than she wants to pay, and it's much farther from her job.


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SKL-HOU

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Re: Moving Into Boyfriend's House - Fair Rent?
« Reply #114 on: December 20, 2015, 08:59:12 PM »
I would have told the boyfriend to run, not the OP. Why should he subsidize your life? It was your choice to get into the field you are in and hischoice was a higher paying job/career. In the apartment, you should have absolutely split in half, especially because even with that scenario you would be saving. Thrn when he buys the house, just offer the same as what you were paying in the apartment. You have been taking advantage of him IMO and now you are upset because he won't let you take even more advantage. If i was the BF, i would be upset that you even suggested paying based on % of income. I don't understand how people canbe so comfortable to see themselves entitled to another person's money.

LeRainDrop

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Re: Moving Into Boyfriend's House - Fair Rent?
« Reply #115 on: December 20, 2015, 09:27:42 PM »
He's looking at a mortgage that might be around $3000/mo, but expects with tax breaks that the mortgage might end up being effectively $2400.
. . .
We went back and forth a lot and finally agreed on $900 and that would include utilities.
. . .
I really don't think I should be paying close to half his mortgage when he makes so much more money than me, and when he would be buying this house regardless of whether I live with him or not.
Let's try that math again.  $900 out of $3,000 is not "close to half" -- it is 30%.  Even $900 out of $2,400 is not "close to half" -- it is 37.5%.  And your $900 includes your utilities, whereas his $3,000 (or $2,400) does not.  You want to be able to subtract his entire tax deduction from his side of the equation, but then not add in his utilities, maintenance, and other home ownership costs, which really isn't fair.  Honestly, if he's agreeing on giving you a $900 bargain, then you really are paying only your proportion of the household income or a little less.
« Last Edit: December 20, 2015, 09:34:36 PM by LeRainDrop »

Playing with Fire UK

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Re: Moving Into Boyfriend's House - Fair Rent?
« Reply #116 on: December 20, 2015, 10:53:06 PM »
I disagree that the only way to fairly split costs is 50/50. There is more to fair than 50/50, would anyone say we should split all our food 50/50 because that would be fair - dispite the fact that SO loves bananas and I hate them, or that SO is a foot taller than me and needs to eat more. Where does it end? Do I need to split my birth control pills 50/50 with him too?
I agree with you that there are other fair ways than 50/50 (and depending on the situation, they might be more fair). But birth control pills seem to be a weird example. Unless you were taking them without his knowledge, yes, he should be paying 50%. He is getting exactly the same use out of them as you: Not having a child at an inopportune time.

This was an intentionally odd example - my point was should he get to eat half my pills so that we are sharing those 50/50 also, ie would anyone claim there is an unfair dstribution of pills because I take them all?

charis

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Re: Moving Into Boyfriend's House - Fair Rent?
« Reply #117 on: December 21, 2015, 05:31:12 AM »
If you'r not gaining equity in the house you should not contribute to the mortgage. Him paying 100% of the mortgage expenses and you two splitting all other non-equity building expenses (taxes, utilities etc.) 50/50 seems like a no brainer to me.

This is an absurd notion. She is gaining a place to live. That isn't free.

I would not do it. He should want to help you. He is the only one gaining anything.

I disagree.  I am sure if he advertised on craigslist $900 with all utilities paid, his phone would be ringing off the hook.

What he could get for it on craigslist is beside the point.   Only if she was already planning to pay at least that much for housing could she be seen as trying to take advantage of the situation.  He purchased the house of his own volition for an amount that he (supposedly) could afford.  This wasn't a joint decision taking her budget into account.  He wants her to move into his bedroom (not a craigslist room for rent) for the pleasure of her company and to subsidize his mortgage payment apparently.  She gains nothing except the pain of stretching her income for a while, while risking the demise of the relationship and no where to live when that occurs. 

Regardless of who is "right," this is an awful way to start a life together, if that is what you are trying to do.  Get a place that you can afford and see how things go for a while.

So let me get this straight...you're saying:

He gets: Pleasure of her company and a subsidized mortgage payment

She gets: Nothing.

So...the pleasure of his company doesn't count? A place to live at under market rate doesn't count?

I never either of those things don't count.  But they don't count in the way you seem to think they do.

He bought a house, not her.  He chose the location, not her.  He wants her to live there, but she can't afford the market rate for a room in the house that he bought.  He is basically coercing her into paying more than she can afford to stay in a relationship and/or live with him.

use2betrix

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Re: Moving Into Boyfriend's House - Fair Rent?
« Reply #118 on: December 21, 2015, 05:44:28 AM »
If you'r not gaining equity in the house you should not contribute to the mortgage. Him paying 100% of the mortgage expenses and you two splitting all other non-equity building expenses (taxes, utilities etc.) 50/50 seems like a no brainer to me.

This is an absurd notion. She is gaining a place to live. That isn't free.

I would not do it. He should want to help you. He is the only one gaining anything.

I disagree.  I am sure if he advertised on craigslist $900 with all utilities paid, his phone would be ringing off the hook.

What he could get for it on craigslist is beside the point.   Only if she was already planning to pay at least that much for housing could she be seen as trying to take advantage of the situation.  He purchased the house of his own volition for an amount that he (supposedly) could afford.  This wasn't a joint decision taking her budget into account.  He wants her to move into his bedroom (not a craigslist room for rent) for the pleasure of her company and to subsidize his mortgage payment apparently.  She gains nothing except the pain of stretching her income for a while, while risking the demise of the relationship and no where to live when that occurs. 

Regardless of who is "right," this is an awful way to start a life together, if that is what you are trying to do.  Get a place that you can afford and see how things go for a while.

So let me get this straight...you're saying:

He gets: Pleasure of her company and a subsidized mortgage payment

She gets: Nothing.

So...the pleasure of his company doesn't count? A place to live at under market rate doesn't count?

I never either of those things don't count.  But they don't count in the way you seem to think they do.

He bought a house, not her.  He chose the location, not her.  He wants her to live there, but she can't afford the market rate for a room in the house that he bought.  He is basically coercing her into paying more than she can afford to stay in a relationship and/or live with him.

What she wants to spend, $600, is not market rate for anywhere in LA. She wants to pay less and have someone else subsidize her living so she can save.

MrMonkeyMustache

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Re: Moving Into Boyfriend's House - Fair Rent?
« Reply #119 on: December 21, 2015, 05:47:30 AM »
So what if he descided to pay off the house. Should she still continue to pay the same amount as when he had a mortgage? If not, why? He still had to pay for it and she still gets a place to stay in. If yes, then why was the original amount based on something arbitrary as the mortgage payment which varies based on the length of the mortgage.

I don't think she should be paying for his stuff and the financing options he chooses should make no difference. As I said, they can agree on anything, but if your motivation is that "she has a place to stay", then the amount she pays should have 0 to do with the monthly mortgage payment.

If they buy a house together then it is of course a totally different story. He can also charge a rent, but it would feel weird to me. I could e.g. charge a friend for using my professional expertise if we would be talking about serioua hours. I would never charge my GF regardless of the hours I would have to put in.

big_owl

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Re: Moving Into Boyfriend's House - Fair Rent?
« Reply #120 on: December 21, 2015, 06:06:45 AM »
Jesus all this crap about the OP needing a new BF or the BF needing a new girlfriend blah blah blah...if they've been together happily for four years then they're doing SOMETHING right, at least for now.  I wouldn't write the relationship off over this.

1. When I was dating my GF I moved into her apartment which was in her name....we split all bills 50/50 even though I made about 50% more

2. We built a house together shortly thereafter and put the mortgage in both our names (a little risky since we weren't married but felt that was inevitable).  By then we were making similar amounts, me maybe slightly more.  We structured our finances such that we each get a roughly equal personal allowance of some set amount every month to do with what we please (now around $1500-2000/mo each).  The rest goes into the joint account and is used to pay all the bills.  So the person making more ends up paying more.

3. Eleven years later we are married and still use the same approach.  Difference is that now wife makes a lot more than me so she ends up paying more towards the bills.  Post-nuptial agreement insures that in case of divorce wife gets proportion of joint assets equal to the proportional difference of our average gross salaries over the course of our marriage. 

Edit: the key difference here is that the mortgage isn't in your name.  Since this is the case then I'd pay rent at market rate for what it is in the area.  You live together for a while and figure out if the relationship is for real...if yes then the mortgage goes in both your names so you both have skin in the game and then pay proportionally, or work out the proportional allowance thingie like we did.
« Last Edit: December 21, 2015, 06:09:03 AM by big_owl »

ReadySetMillionaire

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Re: Moving Into Boyfriend's House - Fair Rent?
« Reply #121 on: December 21, 2015, 09:01:39 AM »
Here's a question to OP: have you had a "is our relationship for the long term?" conversation yet?

I mean, the biggest surprise to me is that you two have been dating for four years and both of you seem to be making decisions so independently of one another.

tj

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Re: Moving Into Boyfriend's House - Fair Rent?
« Reply #122 on: December 21, 2015, 09:26:45 AM »
Here's a question to OP: have you had a "is our relationship for the long term?" conversation yet?

I mean, the biggest surprise to me is that you two have been dating for four years and both of you seem to be making decisions so independently of one another.

+1

monstermonster

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Re: Moving Into Boyfriend's House - Fair Rent?
« Reply #123 on: December 21, 2015, 09:28:16 AM »
Here's a question to OP: have you had a "is our relationship for the long term?" conversation yet?

I mean, the biggest surprise to me is that you two have been dating for four years and both of you seem to be making decisions so independently of one another.

+1
+2

galliver

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Re: Moving Into Boyfriend's House - Fair Rent?
« Reply #124 on: December 21, 2015, 09:47:33 PM »
But pretty much every time a social relationship works out, I notice that we both feel like we've gotten the better end of the deal.  We both feel like we should give more (but accept the others generosity). 

I really liked this point you made. I've found it quite true for myself as well. My last roommate and I at one point had a discussion where we both realized we felt bad for not doing more around the house. Then we realized we had both ended up with the chores we largely preferred and it was a good arrangement. We were never best friends but we were great roomies. After that I moved in with bf and it's definitely a different relationship, but the desire to give and to care on both sides is definitely a factor in success.

Jesus all this crap about the OP needing a new BF or the BF needing a new girlfriend blah blah blah...if they've been together happily for four years then they're doing SOMETHING right, at least for now.  I wouldn't write the relationship off over this.

Agree! Though there are cases out there that people stay together due to inertia, social pressure, etc. who really shouldn't be. They should discuss the big questions head-on: where is their relationship going, how do they think they should handle money when they get there, and what that means for their financial relationship now. But jumping to "run" seems...well, like jumping the gun.

Punchingat50

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Re: Moving Into Boyfriend's House - Fair Rent?
« Reply #125 on: December 22, 2015, 12:44:54 PM »
Both of you are equals. Both pull equal amounts of the weight; 50/50. His income is irrelevant. If you guys get married and divorced, you'll take 50% or more of the assets. 50% in, 50% out.

ilsy

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Re: Moving Into Boyfriend's House - Fair Rent?
« Reply #126 on: December 23, 2015, 04:59:09 PM »
I would like to say something if I can say something hear. If you are going to move somewhere and live there, and pay for that, you better get a written agreement, so your rights are protected. What if down the road he thinks that he wants to rebuild his kitchen and therefore he would like to increase your rent. Plus, you might need a proof of paying the rent and so on and he would need to declare collecting the rent from you on tax documents. I think this is fair for both of you. 

Having said that, once you have an agreement with someone, that becomes (unless we are talking about marriage) a business relationship. And I personally would NOT mix my business relationship with my personal life, landlord and boyfriend doesn't sound right to me. So in case of OP, I would stay in my own place until the things have moved to marriage and combining of assets. It seems like you are better off in your place anyway (the commute and the cat allergy).

Miss Prim

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Re: Moving Into Boyfriend's House - Fair Rent?
« Reply #127 on: December 24, 2015, 06:07:36 AM »
I have not read all of the responses, but I would like to chime in with a story about my daughter.  My daughter and her then boyfriend were going to get an apartment together.  Then, without telling her, his mother got involved and they ended up buying a house together and just assumed my daughter would pay rent to live with him.  I told her that why should she pay rent, (she was living at home) when she was not involved in his decision at all and could just visit him.  I was really concerned because his mother was involved in his whole life.  So she took my advice and they ended up breaking up which was a really good thing because she then went on to meet her now husband. 

When my husband and I were dating, we both owned houses.  I was not going to move in with him until I had a commitment from him that we were going to get married.  Call me old-fashioned, but if he wanted to live with me, he was gonna have to take the next step. 

I know things are different now (I am 62), but you have to look out for yourself in these matters and if marriage is your ultimate goal, you may not want to give up your place just yet.  Marriage is different from just cohabitating.  Basically if you are young and starting out, marriage is about combining all of your resources together and going forward from there.

Just my opinion for what it's worth.

                                                                                   Miss Prim

Ricky

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Re: Moving Into Boyfriend's House - Fair Rent?
« Reply #128 on: December 24, 2015, 07:04:28 AM »
Both marriage and "sharing everything" are both social constructs to which I don't subscribe. I don't think a relationship is a healthy one unless both parties are separate entities in that both are doing their own thing but have the mutual bonding of their relationship. No, this doesn't have to materialize in a financial way, but it makes no difference if it does, in my opinion.

I don't think you have to have a written letter of commitment from him in order to consider moving in and paying your way. You'd be paying your way regardless of him, so you two can work something out. If the place is well above and beyond (in terms of quality, location) what you would have chosen to live in yourself, let him know that. I do think you should get the "girlfriend" discount since you're probably sharing a room versus having your own - but if he allows you your own room in his house then that's something you should pay market for.

Lots of people here are jumping to conclusions saying she should find someone else...for what? Take care of her for the rest of her life financially? Great advice. I'm pretty sure the OP is already on the right path of thinking and can work this out on her own since she knows more about her relationship than a few internet strangers. She already knows she should pay something - she just doesn't know exactly what. I agree that it should be below market rent in general though.

Bottom line: Paying your way is fair. $600 is fair - but you agreed to $900. Therefore, $900 is fair. Either give him an ultimatum of lowering the price, or live with it.

Quote from: spartana
So I think he should charge her what he would charge any potential roommate plus an equal split of the utilities they share.

I mostly agree - except that she isn't getting to choose the location, house, etc. She also will presumably be sleeping in the same room as him (he gets something out of it). So I think there's some wiggle room. I don't think she should be living for free, but she also shouldn't be paying market rent for the reasons listed.
« Last Edit: December 24, 2015, 07:13:16 AM by Ricky »

Mesmoiselle

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Re: Moving Into Boyfriend's House - Fair Rent?
« Reply #129 on: December 25, 2015, 09:06:22 AM »
Some people are saying that you feeling uncomfortable is a sign that the relationship is a fail. It very well could be. But my experience with money before I met my boyfriend-turned- husband of five years e as different. My background and emotions around that topic really guided me towards explicit terms, discussions around every major purchase, who's share was what. And my guy let me express my fear, express my concerns, express my wants and goals. He heard me. And, 99% of the time, without an argument, we hammered an agreement out.

The more we are together (and now we're married) the more trust I feel. The more I don't sweat the small stuff. We don't have a conversation about who gets the furniture we just bought if we split up, anymore, for example.

But we still definitely split bills approximately to percentage. If one of us is unemployed short term, we cover our share out of savings. If I pay off his school loan because I have the funds, he will pay an equivalent amount to my debt as well. That's where my comfort zone is right now. To push me on it (and here I say he is perfectly happy with the arrangement. I make more than him, and pay the highest percentage) would make me feel unheard, taken advantage of.

Your emotions are your own. Finances have emotions around them, to ignore that can be silly. The only red flag to me is that it seems like you're feeling unheard. Which leads to resentment. Which will destroy your happiness with anyone. You have a right to feel what you want and only you can decide if these emotions are getting in the way of your goals. If they are, then you work on them. If they aren't, then find someone more understanding.