New job and move anxiety

[thatstheillusion]

Hoping to get some objective advice from the forum about a new job and cross country move.

I received a job offer from a SF Bay Area late(r) stage startup for 130K + free health insurance + 15K relocation + stock options. During the interview process I felt really good about it. My experience at larger orgs fits in well for where they want to go as they grow and the department head impressed me with their thoughtfulness on a few occasions. I visited for a week (1st time in SF) and overall enjoyed the area. I wouldn't say I'm dying to live there, but it seems nice enough in the quieter areas.

Since then I've been non-stop anxious about accepting. I'm in Denver now making 90K and it's been a nice place to start my career. It's a great place to live and I wouldn't be mad settling down here. Everything is very easy and fine. I work from home (rarely drive), like my apartment, enjoy the nearby park, have a favorite brewery nearby, etc. But I didn't quite create the group of friends I hoped to and overall I'm somewhat bored. My current job is easy, but still stresses me out because it's a very political and red tape heavy culture.

The SF job isn't really a raise after cost of living, but I would still be saving more than I am now. Possibly a lot more if I got a roommate in the east bay. So overall probably a plus for FIRE. Stock options, which I've mostly ignored, could also rapidly increase FIRE.

The issue is I've dealt with anxiety and maybe some depression for a few years. I'm functioning but not thriving. I think working from home the past year has let me cope/hide the worst effects. So this job offer (and really the move) has sort of revealed that maybe I'm not as OK as I thought. It's one thing to be nervous about moving, another to be panicked. Anytime the talent recruiter calls, I have to let it go to voicemail and call back when I'm more prepared.

Initially I thought this would be a great semi-fresh start. I could move to a new place and prioritize making friends this time, maybe accelerate my career, and just enjoy a new adventure. I moved to Denver with barely any thought or anxiety after undergrad. But now I keep thinking the stress of a move and not knowing anyone in SF could be debilitating. My lifestyle would also be less convenient in some ways. The new job isn't 100% WFH so more driving/public transit.

Anyone dealt with this type of situation? I hate to turn down a great opportunity but maybe I should accept I have a limitation and not push right now.

[Fomerly known as something]

I can’t attest to your level of anxiety about the move but I will say some level of it is perfectly normal in this situation.

I too am in the process of moving to SF.  It is with my current employer and my move is basically 100% paid for.  I’m both excited and anxious about it. Even with thinking about making the choice for 9 months before I submitted for the position, it has kept me up at night some nights.

Change is hard especially the first major change, but without risk rewards tend to be less.

[socaso]

I have moved A LOT and every single time I get this panicked feeling like I've potentially just blown up my life for very little reward. And you know what? Every time it's worked out at least ok and at most been a dramatic life improvement over what I had. I think the way you feel is normal.

I have multiple friends who moved to SF and everyone I know grows to love it. I think it's very possible for you to be quite happy there. I would recommend a charming book I read "This is Where you Belong" which offers a number of suggestions about getting involved in your community, making friends, and feeling connected.

For what it's worth I've lived in the Denver area for the past 6 years and while there's a lot I like here I've found it hard to make friends here. The whole time I've lived here I have never made the kind of friend group I've had in other cities. I can't put my finger on what it is about Denver but this is a challenging place to make friends.

[thatstheillusion]

For what it's worth I've lived in the Denver area for the past 6 years and while there's a lot I like here I've found it hard to make friends here. The whole time I've lived here I have never made the kind of friend group I've had in other cities. I can't put my finger on what it is about Denver but this is a challenging place to make friends.

Thanks for the book rec! Seems like it will help regardless of my decision.

I've heard that about Denver as well but could never really figure out if that's true or just the difficulty of making friends in your late 20s and 30s and that's a prime Denver demographic. I do have a friend who thinks a lot of people move here to be alone, "find" themselves in the mountains, maybe snowboard with a couple people but they don't build large social groups.

[SunnyDays]

Before you make a decision, look into the anxiety/depression.  Is it a reaction to your living situation or is it a true mental health issue?  If it’s only developed since Covid began, then it’s more likely external, perhaps due to too much isolation.  In which case, changing things may help or at least not hurt.  But if you suspect it’s something deeper, making big changes without dealing with it first might be unwise.  As others have said, some anxiety around such a move is normal, but if it affects your functioning, then it isn’t.