i think we scared the OP away
Nope - just a lot to think about! I'm not able to see most of the replies below to quote them directly so I'm just going to try to format this the best I can in a single reply while responding to as much as possible from the top down.
Property Insurance: This is required by my apartment for 100k of liability - I adjusted the policy from 35k of personal belongings down to 20k and liability from 300k to 100k. This saves about $85 a year. 20k might still be a little high - but it does provide some piece of mind (especially when I'm not in a position to replace much on my own should the apartment burn down). This puts me at $240 a year with USAA. I like USAA...but shopping around still needs to be done.
Balance transfer for CC: This would be a pretty big deal since $160~ a month in interest is a lot. I haven't seriously looked into this because I believe these rates only apply for 6-18 months or so and want to be 100% sure I can repay the balance before that time expires. If I can find another card that would accept a balance this large this is absolutely an option in the near future.
Car: Understand this is a way larger payment (and a way nicer newer car) than either of us need right now. I recently took a considerable loss to get rid of my other vehicle (it was 100% the right move) and can't really pay another 3-5k~ to get rid of this loan right now. Since it was mentioned - I had my name added to the registration / loan for this vehicle. That's a bummer because there's no walking away from it - but the equity (when I get some) won't walk away from me either. Bottom line: I need to get this vehicle to a Carmax or dealership for a 'starting point' appraisal to understand exactly where I'm at in the current market rather than just estimating the negative equity and using 'too much' as an excuse. Vehicle would not actually be sold to Carmax or a dealership.
Storage: Unfortunately this storage unit is on the other side of the country in North Carolina. It would probably run me 1.5-2k+ to make the trip to get it cleaned out and the things I care about shipped to my current address. I did the math and figured that compared to other things that need money right now this was not a priority. Disclaimer: the contents of the unit are almost completely worthless - I don't even remember what most of them are. I do have a lot of sentimental things in there from my time in the military (awards, deployment gifts, etc) that I've basically used to justify holding on to the unit. I really don't want to lose these things...but I might be making a really irrational / emotional decision here.
Gas: is now at 3.67~ a gallon for me. This is down from a high of 4.70~ earlier in the summer - so if it holds I think I'll be under the $300 mark. My commute is around 80 miles round-trip each day - so even at 28MPG it's just a lot of driving that I can't do anything about before November.
Girlfriend's College: Probably a 'no-go' for this term since she's seriously behind on registration and her FAFSA got selected for audit by the IRS (I guess 0 income is suspicious when you're not 18). It's worth noting that this would be no expense, or only a very small out of pocket expense - she would be using federal and state grants to get through a few semesters before tuition came up. Also worth noting that I'm not pushing an AA->BA program; we're talking about certificates in accounting (book keeping) or medical assisting since she doesn't have that long term goal right now.
Paycheck: 3,578 - (574 Federal Income, 218 Social Security, 51 Medicare, 218 State Income, 32 State SUI/SDI, 6 Dental, 15 HSA, 7 Legal, 4 Life, 15 Medical, 4 Vision, 178 401k) = 2,237 bi-weekly. Did the math and it turns out that's only 92.5k Legal seems insane...until I remember what the first divorce cost; I also figure I'd come out ahead if I fight off even one speeding ticket with this plan. I imagine most of you will disagree. 2 Federal exemptions, 1 State exemption. If the girlfriend finishes out the year without a job it will be her first year with literally 0 income - so I'm assuming TurboTax will help me explore claiming her as a dependent or filing as some kind of head of household? Now that I'm typing this I guess some tax advice might help.
Dog Insurance: It's a French Bulldog, 15 months old with Allergy / Skin issues currently covered under this plan (Trupanion) since we signed up before the dog had ANY preexisting conditions. I thought this was absolutely insane when the girlfriend insisted we do it. Honestly...we're very far in the black already with this plan. It covers 90% of anything that's not standard preventative care. If it lapsed / was cancelled / etc the dog would never be eligible for coverage for anything currently covered ever again. Look - I didn't even want the dog, at all...now I think he's the best thing ever. Aside from the expense of this plan he honestly doesn't cost anything more than a healthy dog would. I guess having a dog at all is a luxury...but that's really just off the table.
WSG: is Water, Sewer, Gas.
Electric: This was about $60 when we moved in back in February. Then it increased to about $75-80 through March, April, May, and jumped to $160 in June. Bill for July is $130. I expect it will head sharply down again when it's not 105~ outside every day. The dog is pretty sensitive to temperature...but I'm sure there's room for a degree or two warmer yeah.
Glasses: Yeah....Lenscrafters. Facepunch. Vision insurance turned what looked like $700 into $280 so I felt pretty good about it. Not so much anymore.
401(k): Does get a match - it's why I contribute up to the match. $360 pre-tax dollars a month.
Cell Phones: I need to do the research on this ASAP. I would be looking at $500~ to pay off my financed phone and be 'out of contract' with Verizon. I'm not sure if I can move my fancy pants 'Verizon' branded S6 and iPhone 6 (girlfriends) to one of these low cost carriers or if we would be selling them on Craigslist and buying simpler phones from the new carrier? I bought her phone outright so there's no worries there although I'm sure she's not super keen to give it up. I appreciate the links and suggestions you guys provided for me on this - just need to do the reading.
Food & House: This is a combination of Trader Joe's and Target. We tried Walmart before and it honestly didn't come out much cheaper - but the shopping experience and quality of everything seemed a lot lower. Our Walmart is also a great place to get stabbed and robbed for what that's worth. This might not be enough for you guys but I'm now saving the receipt for every Food / House purchase - this week came out to $88 from Trader Joe's (food) + $48 from Target (more food, includes $12 for Motrin and Trash Bags) + $8 from Albertson's for the girlfriend's Coke Zero. If that holds it's slightly under $600 which I imagine is still incredibly high to some of you - but better than $800. Nothing there for 'dining out' but my hair is on fire. NOTE: I'll post an itemized spreadsheet at the end of the month.
OK! That's quite a lot for one post and I hope it makes sense and fills in some of the question marks. I really appreciate everyone who took the time to post suggestions or comments. I feel a little guilty I'm not getting all of this fixed up faster - but I'm trying to spend some time on the forum or other things (working through "Money or Life" book) to keep it a priority.