Mattresses when partners disagree on hot/cold and softness/firmness

[ender]

My wife and I have a Tuft/Needle but are realizing we both are on opposite ends of both the temperature spectrum as well as the firmness spectrum.

I've been exploring options like the Eight Sleep as it seems like it'd be pretty useful. But I can only seem to find affiliate reviews at this point. For something like this  I'm really surprised I don't see much for reviews at all other than sponsored. I have a single friend who has slept on this and loved it, otherwise I'm even lacking anecdotal data.

I'm also not finding a lot of competitors to this type of thing (other than the Chilisleep/Ooler).

Does anyone have a partner who is so different in sleep preferences for both firmness as well as temp preferences? What do you do?

[wenchsenior]

We have a Sleep Number mattress that we bought about 8 years ago and we love it. It's primarily useful for different firmness preferences (or even night to night different preferences for each individual sleeper).  Our model is 1) old; and 2) very low end, but I think the fancy models might have some temp variation features so you might want to check them out.

The only complaint we've had is that b/c there are two different 'mattresses' (one for each sleeper in our queen size bed), there is a small space between them that creates a little lengthwise 'divot,' much like when you create a king bed by pushing two mattresses together. We have a piece of stiff foam in between the sections but it doesn't quite fill the divot and we are too lazy to customize it further (though I can think of a few ways to improve it).  Thus, when cuddling or having sex, we sometimes have to arrange ourselves diagonally or in some other way so as not to put pressure on that area that might separate the sections. Occasionally I'll find myself 'stuck' with a knee or hip in the divot when mattresses are at very different levels of firmness.

One word of caution, we are an average sized and small person, respectively, and neither of us have ever been overweight.  I have heard anecdotally that if you or your partner are larger people, that could potentially increase the challenges of separation pressure, but we haven't had too much trouble with it.

[Metalcat]

The simplest really is to by two twin mattresses and put them together on a king bedframe. There are a lot of brands that make identical sized mattresses in differing firmness.

However, make sure that's it's a firmness differential and not a pillow softness differential. I prefer firmer mattresses, but need a very squishy several inches of pillow for my joints. I learned the hard way that this is very different from soft mattresses, which I always thought I preferred, but actually don't.

As for temperature, can you not just manage this through different bedding? DH runs hot when he sleeps and I run cold, I have extra blankets on my side and he has a fan on his side.

ETA: by pillow softeness I mean pillow-top softness, not head pillow

[wenchsenior]

The simplest really is to by two twin mattresses and put them together on a king bedframe. There are a lot of brands that make identical sized mattresses in differing firmness.

However, make sure that's it's a firmness differential and not a pillow softness differential. I prefer firmer mattresses, but need a very squishy several inches of pillow for my joints. I learned the hard way that this is very different from soft mattresses, which I always thought I preferred, but actually don't.

+1. Same issue for me.

[Loren Ver]

We went to two twins extra longs (which make up a king when pushed together as stated above).  Works for us.  I get ALL the blankets!  DH gets his meager 70s fleece and sheet. 

When DH and I went mattress shopping, after finally deciding to split up the mattresses, he ended up with the cheapest and me, the most expensive (non- specialized brand like sleep number).  The prices weren't listed for the Twin XL, they had to be ordered.  The mattress guy thought DH would be mad and didn't want to tell us the itemized cost.  When he did DH and I both laughed, and DH said "she's so worth it."  The sales guy looks so relieved.  It was pretty funny.  We totally had a budget line item for this and DH came in well under cost for his. 

I <3 my mattress. 

[TrMama]

We also have 2 twin XL's. Although if I could go back in time I'd just get 2 regular twins. The mattresses are cheaper and sheets are easier to find.

Not only do DH and I have different mattress preferences we also disagree on replacement schedules. Now I just replace mine when I want and DH can keep sleeping on his worn out mattress.

There are lots of important things for married couples to compromise on. Mattresses aren't one of them.

[ender]

As for temperature, can you not just manage this through different bedding? DH runs hot when he sleeps and I run cold, I have extra blankets on my side and he has a fan on his side.

Unfortunately it doesn't seem so, I sleep really hot even with minimal bedding if there's much humidity at all. I could just run the AC to much lower but cooling our whole house for just our bedroom seems silly (plus my wife would prefer it much warmer than me). I guess I could run a dehumidifier perhaps?

We have a Sleep Number mattress that we bought about 8 years ago and we love it. It's primarily useful for different firmness preferences (or even night to night different preferences for each individual sleeper).  Our model is 1) old; and 2) very low end, but I think the fancy models might have some temp variation features so you might want to check them out.

The only complaint we've had is that b/c there are two different 'mattresses' (one for each sleeper in our queen size bed), there is a small space between them that creates a little lengthwise 'divot,' much like when you create a king bed by pushing two mattresses together. We have a piece of stiff foam in between the sections but it doesn't quite fill the divot and we are too lazy to customize it further (though I can think of a few ways to improve it).  Thus, when cuddling or having sex, we sometimes have to arrange ourselves diagonally or in some other way so as not to put pressure on that area that might separate the sections. Occasionally I'll find myself 'stuck' with a knee or hip in the divot when mattresses are at very different levels of firmness.

One word of caution, we are an average sized and small person, respectively, and neither of us have ever been overweight.  I have heard anecdotally that if you or your partner are larger people, that could potentially increase the challenges of separation pressure, but we haven't had too much trouble with it.

I was reading about this and I guess that used to be the case on older sleep numbers and newer ones don't have it (probably because a lot of people complained).


A few folks suggested the 2x twin thing... we probably won't do this as our bedroom set has a queen frame already :\ But... it makes me wonder if that's the right way to go and just get a new bed, too. hm.

[Metalcat]

As for temperature, can you not just manage this through different bedding? DH runs hot when he sleeps and I run cold, I have extra blankets on my side and he has a fan on his side.

Unfortunately it doesn't seem so, I sleep really hot even with minimal bedding if there's much humidity at all. I could just run the AC to much lower but cooling our whole house for just our bedroom seems silly (plus my wife would prefer it much warmer than me). I guess I could run a dehumidifier perhaps?

So the issue is that the overall temp in the room is too high for you, not specifically a mattress or bedding thing. That's a bigger issue, but it is solvable through fans, dehumidifiers, or small personal AC units.

We have a Sleep Number mattress that we bought about 8 years ago and we love it. It's primarily useful for different firmness preferences (or even night to night different preferences for each individual sleeper).  Our model is 1) old; and 2) very low end, but I think the fancy models might have some temp variation features so you might want to check them out.

The only complaint we've had is that b/c there are two different 'mattresses' (one for each sleeper in our queen size bed), there is a small space between them that creates a little lengthwise 'divot,' much like when you create a king bed by pushing two mattresses together. We have a piece of stiff foam in between the sections but it doesn't quite fill the divot and we are too lazy to customize it further (though I can think of a few ways to improve it).  Thus, when cuddling or having sex, we sometimes have to arrange ourselves diagonally or in some other way so as not to put pressure on that area that might separate the sections. Occasionally I'll find myself 'stuck' with a knee or hip in the divot when mattresses are at very different levels of firmness.

One word of caution, we are an average sized and small person, respectively, and neither of us have ever been overweight.  I have heard anecdotally that if you or your partner are larger people, that could potentially increase the challenges of separation pressure, but we haven't had too much trouble with it.

I was reading about this and I guess that used to be the case on older sleep numbers and newer ones don't have it (probably because a lot of people complained).

A few folks suggested the 2x twin thing... we probably won't do this as our bedroom set has a queen frame already :\ But... it makes me wonder if that's the right way to go and just get a new bed, too. hm.

Dude, it's sleep, don't fuck with sleep. Besides, bedroom sets are overrated. Just get a basic king bedframe and start sleeping better.

[Sandi_k]

We found a local "mattress manufacturer" via the Mattress Underground forums.

This place actually assembles the various layers on the bed: spring coils, foam, latex, memory foam, wool padding, etc., and then stitch them up in an enclosure so it looks just like a regular Queen size mattress.

We went to the factory, and they laid out the layers until we each had the feel that we wanted. I'm a side sleeper with neck issues; given the hip and shoulder pressure points, I wanted softer than DH. I also run colder at night. DH wanted firmer, and he likes colder at night.

So I ended up with memory foam on the top layer, with latex underneath it. DH had no memory foam. They have a 90 day "edit" feature, where they will actually come to the house and swap out layers if you get it wrong - which requires unstitching the mattress cover, and then restitching on site. They tell us that the most common error is clients thinking they want a firmer mattress than is comfortable, so they edit to make it softer after a month or so.

In terms of bedding - I use the blanket, DH kicks it off. And we installed a ceiling fan in the bedroom, so we can keep the AC at a reasonable temp, but the fan makes it feel cooler in the bedroom.

[Psychstache]

I'll throw another vote for the sleep number. DW and I have different firmness and temperature settings and it is glorious.

[JJ-]

With all the votes for sleep number I'll throw one out against it. We had one and it felt just like an airbed. We had the mid range one and when we called to return it they upgraded something with it and still didn't work out. We ended up returning it and got a tradition medium + high coil mattress with memory foam on top (the whole soft but firm thing I've seen mentioned in the thread).

That however does not address the dual temp/firmness. I just wanted to make sure folks reviewing anecdotes for sleep number had the opposite.