Mom 83 in debt but owns home, showing early signs of dementia

[8oLibPu2FrLf7lEHfQ]

I recently moved back home with my Mom, unfortunately. I'm 48, no family, and left home when I was 15.  I prefer to live in my own place, but for now I think she needs the help and it helps me save money too.  She gets confused easily.

I had moved out of state for college in 2004 and stayed there after graduating. I wanted to return to my home state where she lives anyway and thought I could help my Mom around the house at the same time, so decided to move in with her.  She had also started to beg me to come home, but I think that was more a symptom of her psychological state.  She has a two bedroom, one bath.

She owns the home free and clear. It's probably worth about $80,000, but it needs a new 2.5-ton central air in a few weeks and a new roof over the carport and some rotting facia replaced. Not to mention the house needs new windows eventually and exterior paint. It is very dated inside with fixtures from the 70s when she bought the place.

She gets about $1500 per month in social security. She has about $50,000 invested and receives an annual payout from that of about $1800 (it varies year to year). Otherwise, she has no other income and nothing else saved. She also carries a $15,000 credit card debt on a credit card that has a $20,000 credit line. The debt looks like it has been accruing since the late 90s or early 00s. It looks like "large" purchases she does not have enough cash for such as car or home repairs exceeding a couple of hundred dollars, various business expenses from before she retired, and some annual subscription services like for software (which I have now canceled).

Otherwise, her spending seems to be her bills like smartphone, home phone, electric, water & sewage, property taxes, lawn care, termite protection, health insurance, home security system, her vitamin supplements, and household supplies like toilet paper.  She owns a car free and clear as well, so she pays for repairs, gas, and insurance.

Since moving here two months ago I have been paying half of all the bills and all of the food for us, and I've been fixing and replacing small things around the place like light switches, cabinet hinges, and plumbing.

She is starting to show signs of dementia I think. Her short-term memory is almost completely gone, but she still drives and is physically independent. Still, she drags her feet now and seems to tell wild stories or else she's a little delusional.  I asked her about the beach and she said that the last time she was at the beach a fish followed her.  I asked her about the mall and she said that the last time she was at the mall a man followed her.  The stories are innocent I guess, but it's bizarre.  She asks the same questions sometimes over and over.

What would be the best situation for her financially? I do not see how she can afford to replace the AC (she has no cash, really) which will last only about another week until it needs refrigerant or replacement. It's from 1996 so the refrigerant is no longer in production and the various repair companies all say that it's time to replace.  Even if I paid half of the new AC cost (total about $4500) she would probably have to charge her half.  Even trying to ask her about it causes her serious emotional distress like "I have no money!" and tears.

Furthermore, the roof over the carport is practically all rotted from a leak. Half of it sags. She can't even seem to manage getting an estimate for it.  I think she just waits for things to be an emergency or something.

Not sure what to do here.  I left home at 15 because I never really respected her.  I never thought her smart or responsible/accountable.  I have much more empathy now.

[Plina]

It doesn’t sound like she should be driving any more. Could selling the car finance at least a part of the AC? If she is showing signs of dementia maybe a doctors appointment to diagnose her and maybe get some medicine to delar the process would be helpful.

[rockeTree]

That all sounds hard. Some things folks might find helpful to know: are you an only child? Will you inherit this house? Do you want to inherit this house? What's her doctor think about her condition? Is a goal to get her into a care facility as she deteriorates or to stay home as long as possible? What's your job situation and how conducive is it to providing increasing care for her if she slips more mentally?

If you will inherit the house and you want the house I would consider the benefits of her declaring bankruptcy to get rid of the ever-growing old debt - it sounds like she can cover her day to-day pretty well. Then you could finance and pay for the AC (it's september, can this wait til spring? Your climate may vary...) and carport type stuff yourself as an investment in your future home (consulting a lawyer about the pros and cons of having it in your name, the degree to which medicaid can come after it if she goes into a care facility, etc). But these are very personal decisions about your relationships with your family and how you want to live and that might be a terrible solution for you. All folks can do here is brainstorm and point out questions or issues that might come up.

[8oLibPu2FrLf7lEHfQ]

It doesn’t sound like she should be driving any more. Could selling the car finance at least a part of the AC? If she is showing signs of dementia maybe a doctors appointment to diagnose her and maybe get some medicine to delar the process would be helpful.

She drives very slowly now and is always a little more to the left of the lane than in the center if that makes sense.  Her reaction time is not as quick, but she is still safe I think.

It's a 1996 Honda.  I think it's value is minimal compared to the AC cost and compared to her sense of independence.

[8oLibPu2FrLf7lEHfQ]

That all sounds hard. Some things folks might find helpful to know: are you an only child? Will you inherit this house? Do you want to inherit this house? What's her doctor think about her condition? Is a goal to get her into a care facility as she deteriorates or to stay home as long as possible? What's your job situation and how conducive is it to providing increasing care for her if she slips more mentally?

If you will inherit the house and you want the house I would consider the benefits of her declaring bankruptcy to get rid of the ever-growing old debt - it sounds like she can cover her day to-day pretty well. Then you could finance and pay for the AC (it's september, can this wait til spring? Your climate may vary...) and carport type stuff yourself as an investment in your future home (consulting a lawyer about the pros and cons of having it in your name, the degree to which medicaid can come after it if she goes into a care facility, etc). But these are very personal decisions about your relationships with your family and how you want to live and that might be a terrible solution for you. All folks can do here is brainstorm and point out questions or issues that might come up.

I am an only child.  I left home at 15 and never looked back, financially or otherwise.  No other family in the picture.  The family is not really that close anymore and are very spread out.  I never even thought I loved her all these years (I went a decade without contacting her), but now I have a lot more empathy for people in general and for her in particular.  I want her to live with dignity.  She does not have a will nor does she desire to have one for some reason.  I am not interested in any inheritance from her nor the house, really.  I have told her that.

I work full time.  I could pay for the repairs, but I do not think that's fair to myself and that's not a long-term solution for her.  I am fine paying for half of these large home repairs this one time though regardless.  Right now I feel that I would probably not spend much of my own money to provide increasing care for her.  My feelings might change.  I'm more interested in helping her or suggesting to her a sustainable financial state.

You are right - her day-to-day is covered just fine.  She just can't get ahead or afford (or plan for) larger occasional expenses.

Great suggestions, thank you.

[Sibley]

My thought is that it would be best, long term, for her to get out of the house and into somewhere she can age gracefully. Money is a factor. What she is willing to do is a factor. But if she does have dementia (and your description indicates something is going on), then it will get worse and at some point she won't be able to live independently, whatever she actually wants to do.

You might look into the Area Agency for Aging (assuming you're in the US). You might be able to find someone to talk to, get a sense of what's available in the area. Or if not at the AAA, then they might be able to connect you to somewhere else.

[SunnyDays]

Before you assume it’s dementia, take a look at any medications she is on for their side effects and/or interactions.  Older people also tend to need less of a dose, so she could be over medicated.  For sure, make an appointment for her for a full physical and alert the doctor to your concerns.  Sounds like there is some paranoia there at minimum.

Even though you don’t want to pour a lot of money into the more expensive things like the AC and carport, it might be worth it to do it anyway, since it could impact the sale price or speed of sale if you don’t want to keep the house.

[firestarter2018]

Before you make any long-term decisions about her living situation and finances, I think you should schedule and accompany her to a doctor's visit for a complete physical and cognitive assessment. You need to know what you're really dealing with, and what her likely trajectory is if she does indeed have dementia. It could be likely that she won't even be able to live independently at home within a few years, at which point the only option may be for her to spend down all her assets and enter a long-term facility on Medicaid. See if the doctor's office has a social worker that can sit down with you and walk through all the various options.  If not google your state and "Area Agency on Aging," which are organizations that help low-income seniors access benefits and programs related to income, food, housing, medical care, etc.

[8oLibPu2FrLf7lEHfQ]

Before you assume it’s dementia, take a look at any medications she is on for their side effects and/or interactions.  Older people also tend to need less of a dose, so she could be over medicated.  For sure, make an appointment for her for a full physical and alert the doctor to your concerns.  Sounds like there is some paranoia there at minimum.

Even though you don’t want to pour a lot of money into the more expensive things like the AC and carport, it might be worth it to do it anyway, since it could impact the sale price or speed of sale if you don’t want to keep the house.

Right, I do not know if it's dementia.  Her conversation is just off a lot.  She really can't track a conversation for more than a few minutes.  She just starts to repeat everything.

The only medication I see is one for high blood pressure.

[8oLibPu2FrLf7lEHfQ]

Before you make any long-term decisions about her living situation and finances, I think you should schedule and accompany her to a doctor's visit for a complete physical and cognitive assessment. You need to know what you're really dealing with, and what her likely trajectory is if she does indeed have dementia. It could be likely that she won't even be able to live independently at home within a few years, at which point the only option may be for her to spend down all her assets and enter a long-term facility on Medicaid. See if the doctor's office has a social worker that can sit down with you and walk through all the various options.  If not google your state and "Area Agency on Aging," which are organizations that help low-income seniors access benefits and programs related to income, food, housing, medical care, etc.

I finally got her to make an appointment for a "wellness physical".  I called her doctor (who told me he had not seen my Mom in years) and explained the situation.  He sent a brochure about a wellness physical and so my Mom went for it.  It's in a few weeks.

[rockeTree]

That's great, it should give you a lot more information to make choices with. And depending on the results it may motivate her to make some changes/plans as well.

[yachi]

If your mom needs long term nursing home care, or long term care in a dementia home, it is likely she will exhaust her invested assets.  At that point, Medicaid steps in to pay for her care, but you'll need to navigate the application process for her, and it will likely involve selling her former house first.

If you think it likely she will need this type of care, you wouldn't want to put more money into the house than it takes to keep it safe, and meet her needs while she's able enough to remain in the house. AC could be a necessity depending on the climate, but in areas where AC window units are common, that could be a stopgap.  Reglazing and repainting the existing windows is likely more prudent than replacing them in this situation.  If it's cheaper to demolish the carport and close off where it was connected to the house, that might be a decent solution to the car port roof too.  Nursing home care can cost $100,000 a year or more, so if you sell the house for $80,000, you can fund 10 months of care before Medicaid steps in to pay.  If you sell the house as-is for $50,000, you can fund 6 months of care before Medicaid steps in to pay.

Because Medicaid has a 5-year lookback period, I would not advise having her gift you the house.  If her medical checkup shows she's likely to need more care than you can provide in the next year or two, you might want to start looking for your own place.

[sonofsven]

Could you possibly pay up front for the AC in lieu of paying half of monthly expenses?

[Gone Fishing]

+1 for window units.  Our AC died and we didn't want anyone in the house due to covid.  I put a $300 window unit in and it cools the entire 1400 sq ft house (modern construction) quite nicely even in the humid southeast.  It took some location swaping to get it in the best place though.  It ended up upstairs in my oldest son's bedroom.  He doesn't mind the noise (only real downside I see) actually helps him sleep and his bedroom is the coolest it has ever been. 

[Plina]

It doesn’t sound like she should be driving any more. Could selling the car finance at least a part of the AC? If she is showing signs of dementia maybe a doctors appointment to diagnose her and maybe get some medicine to delar the process would be helpful.

She drives very slowly now and is always a little more to the left of the lane than in the center if that makes sense.  Her reaction time is not as quick, but she is still safe I think.

It's a 1996 Honda.  I think it's value is minimal compared to the AC cost and compared to her sense of independence.

I would be more worried that she doesn’t remember traffic rules then anything else and does therefore something unsafe. I know it is a difficult situation. My grandfather is clear in the head but he should not be driving. Thankfully he will not renew his license in a couple of months. Nowadays he rarely drives.

[Metalcat]

First things first you need to establish very clearly for yourself how involved you want to be in your mother's future decisions are care.

What she should do could be very different from what she wants to do or is willing to do.

To be blunt, as someone who also left home at 15, I think you made a huge mistake moving in with her.

Because she's your mom, you can't just treat her like a roommate who's issues are not your problem. And because you now live with her, it's hard for you to erect and maintain appropriate boundaries, because her problems are becoming rapidly *your* problems.

I think you should move out, tell her you don't think her owning the home is financially manageable, and that you think she should sell and find housing that will suit her aging needs.

Then if she is willing to allow you to help her, then help her in ways where you can maintain appropriate boundaries.

If her cognitive condition declines to the point that you should take over power of attorney and you want to do that, then do so at that time. But until that time comes, you are obligated to respect her autonomy as an adult and are only able to help as much as she allows you to.

She may be willing to allow her life to get much, much worse than you are comfortable with, and it is not your place to decide for her how bad things are allowed to get before she feels the need to take action.

What this situation needs is boundaries.

[hooplady]

Chronic dehydration is not uncommon in older adults and can manifest in confusion or even seem like they've had a stroke. I know my mom had a couple of incidents in her 80's. As we get older we tend to drink less, especially if incontinence rears its ugly and embarrassing head. Nighttime trips to the bathroom become an issue so they subconsciously drink less in the evening, and then less in general.