This is a question geared toward those that travel home for the holidays, and have to balance their time between multiple households due to a parental divorce. This is NOT a financial question, as my trip back home is completely free thanks to a company vehicle with company paid maintenance, insurance, and gasoline. Also, I really don't buy much of anything for holiday gifts. Since I travel, my presence is my present. 😂
Backstory: My parents have been divorced for almost 20 years now, and were married for almost as long.. I was in high school when they split, and it wasn't pretty. Sure I've seen worse, but my parents completely checked out at an integral time and left me to "adult" at a very young age. I have played mediator for years between my parents to manage the chaos of the holidays, but it no longer works. There is one HUGE problem that gets in the way... My father's extended family. They are fantastic!!! So fantastic in fact, that BOTH of my parents want to be at all of the family functions. Knowing this, my dad will call them up and guilt them into not inviting my mom because he won't go otherwise. This puts my extended family in a weird position, and then I get the call to mediate again. One year when i got this call, I just decided not to go home for the holidays to avoid the drama. I resent the fact that I have to miss out on the most enjoyable time with my extended family simply because my parents are so selfish, they can't think of how their inflexibility has hurt myself or my brother over the years.
My mother is remarried with a life of her own, and yet she sees my father's family regularly for meetups and such, likely more than he does. The woman has no sense of boundaries (with anyone really), and despite incredible efforts to create boundaries in certain area, I am not successful. She plays victim and lays on the guilt trips. It is honestly exhausting, and it has strained our relationship greatly over time. On the other hand, my father is not remarried and resents my mother for still hanging around his life and keeping close contact with his family. He is stubborn and selfish, and like my interactions with my mother, unwilling to sacrifice anything for his children to be happy. Thhere is no reasoning with this man either.
The rub: I have anxiety about going home for the holidays now. I get guilt trips from both sides if I do not spend enough time with either (whatever that means), stay at one or the orher's house long enough, etc. My mom lays on the guilt nice and thick, and my dad pulls the silent treatment and becomes non-responsive (just another more painful way to guilt and punish others).
How does everyone else deal with their own divided family dramas around the holidays? Do you not visit at the holidays, and only visit at other times of the year? Do you give Xmas Eve to one parent and Xmas day to the other, or split them somehow? I would love to hear how you all manage!
My current solution is to go home on Thanksgiving, visit my Dad and extended family that day as my mom has other obligations with her family that day. I also stop in for a few hours at their Thanksgiving meal so I can see everyone on her side as well. I think I may try to avoid Xmas Eve and just show up late on Xmas and stay through New year's Eve. Not sure yet. Thank you all for your help!