Living very close to your parents - is it a good idea?

[iwantfreedom]

Hello,

This is my first message on the forum after extensive study of MRM’s teachings.

In about two years I’ll have about EUR 330k in investments that will generate the 4%, which would give me a monthly income that would enable FIREing. About EUR 280k of my stash is in the place where we live. I plan to sell the apartment and put the proceeds on index funds. I have 50k of on index funds already. Any views on this sudden switch from apartment to index funds are welcome, but my main question is this:

Do any fellow Mustachians have moved back close to their parents and how has this experience been?

I plan to build our own house on the land of my parents, about 100 meters away from them. I have the skills to carry out the work with the help of some contractors.

My hypothesis is that the good sides are that we could save a lot of money on not buying a land plot, by sharing equipment, various tools, transportation, babysitting, care and food. On the other hand, I would be close to my parents, all the time, which may cause physiological tension even though my relationship with them is open and healthy. Also, I will have to convince my SO that this is a good idea.   

Thank you so much!

[NV Teacher]

There are both pros and cons.  For some families it would be the ideal situation and for others it would be a living nightmare.  And even for those that like being that close there will be challenges.

[NoStacheOhio]

It depends on your relationship with your parents. I'm not sure we could handle living that close, but we're about five minutes away from my mother. My wife's family is almost all farther away.

At first, we had some boundary-stomping problems, but things eventually got better, and we've hit a decent equilibrium now. It's nice having family close if we need someone to take care of our son on a Saturday, or pick him up from day care on short notice.

[MommyCake]

We live within walking distance of my parents' house and it's great!  It makes visits easy and painless and my daughter gets to see her grandparents often.  The random invites to dinner are a bonus too.  The knowledge that I could be there within minutes if they needed me gives me a feeling of security as well. 

[Eric9064]

I think what this really comes to is the relationship you have with your parents and the expectations/boundaries you set up. My wife and I bought a house ~1/2 mile from my parents. We have a great relationship and living close has been great.

Key to this working has been my parents understanding that it is not okay to just stop by. They will always call to make sure it is okay. I could care less, but, given that I live with my wife, it is an important understanding, which they, not us, initiated. As their child, I of course stop by their house whenever I want... :)

[prognastat]

I would say it depends a lot on your relationship with your parents, if you have partner how their relationship with your partner is and also if they will be supportive or destructive to maintaining FIRE.

If you and your potential partner have a good relationship with them, you like hanging out with them and they would either be neutral towards you maintaining FI or supportive then it can be great.

If it is going to lead to arguments or them maligning you for being FI, trying to get you to give them more money than you can afford or spend lots on going out or other things then it may not be good.

[Cookie78]

I have a VERY similar FIRE phase 1 plan. I think it absolutely depends on the relationship with your parents, and your spouse's relationship with them too.

As for the 'just dropping by' I miss that. Living in the city that NEVER happens. You have to make plans 1-2 weeks in advance just to see a friend because everyone is so busy. I miss the slow paced rural lifestyle I grew up in where people 'just stop by'. The land I will be living on in the summers has no phone and no cell reception, so they can't call ahead. It is also a place where everyone, mostly family and friends, stops by to visit or fish or have a picnic or go swimming and I'm looking forward to random visits so much. To be fair, I have no spouse or children, which could make things different.

I'll let you know in another year how it works out!

[swick]

Yes to everything everyone has already said. It really depends on your relationship.

My sister bought the house next door to my parents. It works for her. When Hubby and I moved back to the area, we chose a community about 1/2 an hour away from both sets of parents. It works well for us - but we bought the house with the expectation one or both of my parents may have to live with us eventually, so we bought a house with a contained basement suite.

The one thing I don't think has been mentioned is what do your parents feel about your FIRE? Do they understand your long-term goals? Are they going to be resentful or be worried about you and telling you need to go get a "job" every afternoon? Will they see your stash as THEIR retirement?

[Guava]

I live within a half mile of my parents and in-laws. It is great because we have good relationships. We can share tools, bulk purchases, and help each other out. But we also live just far enough away that we won't see each other every day and drive everyone crazy.

[chrisgermany]

If you have siblings, also consider and discuss with them and parents how they would see it:
Would you buy the land from parents or just use it?
Could your parents do the same for the siblings or would parents just assume it is their right to treat their kids different?
Would you be expected to live there all year round and/or provide old age care in return? Or would rather SO be expected to provide care? What should happen if you pass away early and SO decides to move away?
You cannot discuss the groundrules too much in advance of investing your money, even more so on someone else's land.
Good luck,
Chris
 

[Syonyk]

Do any fellow Mustachians have moved back close to their parents and how has this experience been?

I plan to build our own house on the land of my parents, about 100 meters away from them. I have the skills to carry out the work with the help of some contractors.

My hypothesis is that the good sides are that we could save a lot of money on not buying a land plot, by sharing equipment, various tools, transportation, babysitting, care and food. On the other hand, I would be close to my parents, all the time, which may cause physiological tension even though my relationship with them is open and healthy. Also, I will have to convince my SO that this is a good idea.   

We made a similar transition about a year ago, and so far, it's going great.  We live about an eighth mile from my wife's parents, on a chunk of their property they gave us (they had about 17 acres, gave us 2, wife is an only child so no concerns about inheritance or anything with siblings).

It's been quite nice, but we both get along with her parents wonderfully.  My wife stays at home with our daughter, so they go visit grandparents 4-5 times a week, we do dinner together somewhat regularly, and they love having their daughter and granddaughter around. :)  My parents are jealous.

I couldn't do this with my parents.  We get along tolerably for short periods of time, but would drive each other nuts in a hurry if we lived this close.

Don't do it if your SO isn't onboard with it, 100%.  It has the potential to create a lot of tension and stress if things don't go smoothly.

[skekses]

I bought a house half a block from where my mom lives. I drop in on her a few times a week to check on her and visit for a bit (she specifically stated that this was ok), but she does not drop in on my house unannounced (I have a roommate).

I lived thousands of miles away from my family for almost a decade and have no regrets about my decision to be near them again. It's nice having people around who can help each other out, in whatever form that may be: taking care of pets, looking after houses, Costco runs, letting in a serviceman when someone else is swamped at work, etc. Then again, it depends on the family. The other side of the family hate each other and there's no way I would move to that toxic environment, family or no.

[AMandM]

From the other generational side, my three married daughters all moved to our city, one right around the corner and the others a 15 minute walk away.  We love it!  We see them and the grandkids often, the cousins get to play with each other, there's always someone available to help out.  We share cars, tools, errands, babysitting, etc.

They moved *because* they wanted to be close to each other and to us, because we all love each other and get along really well (including the  sons-in-law).  We also are very straightforward with each other; we can say "no" with no drama or hurt feelings.  Again, that's possible because we all love each other, so "no" simply means "this doesn't work for me right now," it doesn't have any subtext.

[sparkytheop]

I live across town from my parents (less than a 10 minute drive).  As mentioned above, there are pros and cons, which change as time goes by.  When my son was little, they would take him to the school bus for me, since I had to leave for work early, and the bus stop was across town (too far to walk).  Now, if my mom needs to drop off a car at the shop (Dad isn't currently driving), my son or I can give her a ride to/from.  I can pick up something from the store on "my side" of town, and drop it off for them.  My mom will sometimes pick up some fabric for me (I quilt, she works at the fabric store).  Sometimes we don't talk/see each other for weeks, sometimes it's several days in a row that we see them.

My son and I help them out with their yard and garden in the summer.  Sometimes my dad cooks extra food and calls me to come pick some up.  We can buy stuff in bulk and split it.  He has called me to take him to the ER when my mom has been at work.  They've let me borrow their car when I needed (when both truck and car are out of commission).

It's nice to have someone to check on the house/take care of pets during vacations.

I don't know that I could live next door to them, as my dad can get really nosy.  Also, being single, once my son has moved out, I don't care to have my parents following any coming and going from the house (if it were to happen).  I really like my privacy.  If I did live next door, I'd want a lot of trees or a privacy fence in between the houses, with a front door facing away from their house.

[iwantfreedom]

Thank you for your advise!

It is an interesting point that the pros and cons change over the years. I believe that is also the most important point - the relationship will live.

Our house would only be 50 - 100 meters away. This is close and it would be important to agree on the private space and rules. There would be privacy between the houses with no direct in-sight for instance. However, I agree that a 5 minute walk would be more ideal than this close. Agreeing on rules etc. would be crucial (for visiting, sharing etc.).

As my parents are soon to retire and have sufficient funds to survive there is no risk they would live on our stash. Concerns about inheritance are non-existent.

I don’t know if they would object to me FIREing. They know I am working on it, and have not objected to it so far. When I was a child I can remember my mum “bringing me up”, clean, help, apply for summer job etc. I couldn’t stand that. On the other hand, when I fire, then I would stay home more and be constantly close to my parents. Is that the life I’ve been dreaming of?

My SO is interested in the idea and has a good relationship to my parents.

The biggest questions mark is a psychological one. I might feel like I have not achieved enough in life. I will, in a way, still be the child and my parents will be in control at least that's how it will feel like. If we were to move somewhere completely different I could feel that this is something that I have built independent of my parents and that this is my SOs and my life only. Like I can trust my wings. On the other hand this is a very abstract idea and may prove foolish later.

Also, the move would include a move to the country side and a 40 min train ride away fromwhere we now live, in the mid of a 1 million city.

Alluring is that the FIREing could happen so much quicker when you can transform that  apartment into cashflow generating indexfunds.