I'm looking for some relationship and money advice with regards to living with a partner who owns the house.
The situation is that my boyfriend just a bought a house and we are trying to decide the best arrangement that would be the most fair for each of us.
He wants me to pay $800 flat fee for his groceries, internet, and other expenses. His reasoning that this is fair is because it would help me save $325, down from my current rent for my rented 1-bedroom apartment of $1,125. This amount is fairly reasonable from a budget perspective because it's still living well below my means and lower than the average pay for housing. Also I would have a higher quality living in a better, bigger place. He will pay for and own all of his own furniture and items.
My issue with this is that, looking beyond the hard dollar finances, I don't think it's fair. It would be a much bigger risk for me. I've given him different options that he has all rejected.
1. I offered to have him move in with me and he could rent out his home to save some money. We will split the rent in half and be co-renters on paper. We will each only pay $562 per month in rent. He rejected this because he wants more room and the nicer appliances, and other increases in the standard of living with owning the house. These things that are, although nice-to-haves, are not at all a priority for me. I'm happy to just live with him in a small rented place while we save towards a home we will both own in 1-2 years.
2. I offered to pay him $562 (what I would be paying if he moved in with me) in rent, and split all other regular non-housing expenses 50/50. I figured it's not fair for me to pay for his higher standard of living. Also I don't think it's fair that I'm helping him pay for his mortgage, while I don't get anything at the end. He rejected this too because he thought it was too little.
3. I offered to instead save the $800 a month myself in a savings/investings amount, and at the point that he is ready to "go all in" then I would give the whole lump sum to him as equity for the home (his current one or a new one we'd get together). This way the money is going towards a home that is for both of us instead of just his. He doesn't like this idea because he thinks he'd have the financial pressure to stay with me a relationship in order to get that money.
4. So to counterpoint that last one, I suggested it would be flipped, in that I would pay him the $800 a month but he would put all that amount in a dedicated savings/investing account under his own name, and at the point in time that we decide to go all in to a place, then he would put the sum as equity into a home. At any time that it doesn't work out, he still gets to keep all of that money, as rent in a sense. I'm putting my money on the cards that we'd stay together. He doesn't like this either.
Other considerations:
- He wants to live in this same house for at least 5 years, nothing less. I suggested we stay 1-2 years max and then buy our own place together after, but he won't accept this because he wants to get a bigger bang for his buck on extra home buying/selling costs. If I pay him his requested $800/month, that would add up to $51,000 of payment to him in 5 years, of which I don't see a dime at the end, while he has bigger equity towards his home. I don't think this is at all fair. I could save that amount for a big chunk on a home I could buy for myself.
- Before I met him, I've made a well-thought out decision that I will never move in with someone again before marriage. I've done it 3 times already, and each time ended up disastrous for me financially, and emotionally. I haven't been smart financially with relationships before, and have just been following my heart. But each time, had real-life negative financial consequences that has made me suffer. I've come to the realization that if we weren't ready to be married and go all-in emotionally, financially and make that leap of faith, then we're not ready to move in. I can't take the emotional toll of being on a trial live-in situation over and over again. I believe if two people really love each other whole-heartedly, then they can work through any issues, and are willing to just make that leap of faith. I am ready for that now with him, but he isn't. Because he has never moved in with someone before and is thus really terrified of it, I've been understanding and took it into consideration. So living with him before marriage is already a compromise on what I believe.
- Long story short, for my last live-in relationship, I arrived to live with him with nothing but 2 suitcases and my 2 cats. After 3.5 years of living at his house and paying him rent and shared expenses, I left with even less: 1 suitcase and my 2 cats. I lost not only a person I loved deeply, but a house I genuinely loved and invested in, financially and emotionally. I planted tulips in the fall that I never saw blossom in the spring. Lost dreams and lost dollars flushed down into the toilet of failed relationships. It was an incredibly hard time. It would just be plain foolish to make the same mistakes over and over again.
- The other factor is that I don't have a back-up plan, if things go wrong. I am a crown ward (orphan), and I don't have family I can rely on for help. I am on my own, self-made and have just been pulling on my own resourcefulness with any problem that comes up. If we live together in his house and he decides he doesn't want me there anymore, I'd be literally homeless. (This has happened a few times before, and I've just had to rely on either my own savings or people's kindness. ) I also live in a new city and I don't have friends here yet that I feel I can ask for help in that way. Plus I have 2 cats where no one in my city accepts in airbnb rentals, at a reasonable price. Meanwhile, he has supportive and wealthy parents living nearby, who have helped him financially, even offering to pay for some of his home renovations. He is living with them right now for free the last few months while he sorts out buying his new home. In the worse case scenario, my situation is much scarier and I have a lot more to lose.
This time around, I want to make sure that I am financially smarter, instead of just "going with the flow" and just hoping for the best. That we are both invested in a future and a home together and that if things go wrong, no one overly suffers. The amount of money is part of the issue (not really because I could easily afford what he's asking), but for me, there are more things that are just as important, if not more: values, security, risks, opportunity costs, independence, emotional investments, etc. For him, it's just dollars and cents and he thinks his offer is generous enough already.
Where do we meet in a mutually benefical place?