Thanks to everyone for the feed back so far. I am reading it all with much interest and it is all helpful.
Some feedback on some things so far:
My list has 14 musts on it, and only one deals with attractiveness (and it is item 13 out of 14 (yes, they're prioritized, and yes, I am an engineer) ). Some others on the list to give y'all a flavor of it:
1. Available (female, straight, single, etc.)
...
4. Honest / open / straightforward
...
8. Compatible with me (similar life stage, similar religious views, non-smoker, etc.)
...
12. Everyone gets along (me with her family, she with my kids, etc.)
The list is not to weed people out, it's to protect me from infatuation and settling for "close enough" - a mistake I made in my first marriage and don't ever want to make again.
I think it's a very reasonable list that focuses on the whole person; this thread I limited the question to just one of those items because that is the one that I am wondering about.
Regarding my item #6, you are all correct; I was painting with too broad a brush. Part of the background there is that I was, to use the shorthand, a 6 who married an 11 (my ratings) who was also friendly, smart, and a whole lot of other good qualities. She could date anyone she wanted, and I was the backwards nerdy type. The relationship soured for other reasons, but I always felt the "imbalance" that Leonard felt when he was dating Penny (
http://bigbangtrans.wordpress.com/series-3-episode-07-the-guitarist-amplification/):
"Stuart: Hey, guys. What’s going on?
Leonard: Oh, we need to kill a couple hours till the next showing of Time Bandits.
Stuart: Oh, well, no problem. I was thinking of closing early and going home, but let’s face it, that’s just a slightly smaller lonely room filled with comic books.
Leonard: Thanks, Stuart. Let me ask you something. Do you think it’s okay for Penny to have an ex-boyfriend sleep on her couch?
Howard: No, I mean, she’s obviously way out of line.
Leonard: Thank you!
Howard: But if she dumps you, she’ll have a new boyfriend by tomorrow morning and you’ll have a new girlfriend when you figure out how to build one. So the only question is, how long until you fold?"
Interestingly about point #6, there was another girl I grew up with who was fantastically beautiful, friendly, smart, nice, etc. She ended up dating guys from the next high school over because nobody had the guts to ask her out from my high school. I had a big-time crush on her, and found out many years later that she really liked me and wished I would have asked her out. She's sort of the counterexample that disproves my #6 item.