You are not going to get your deposit back unless you file in small claims court. Do it today. Do not call them again, do not write them again. California laws are very tenant friendly, and unless they can prove they gave you a statement within the time required by law, the judge will award you the entire deposit. Anything else (they said your wife told them to just deduct whatever from the deposit) is irrelevant.
Oh, I would also pay the $50 or whatever it is to have them served, so they don't avoid your next letter. We had to go back and do that when we filed in small claims once.
Hmm, I just re-read your original post and realized you're out of state. That makes it tougher - I don't think you can file online. So maybe not "do it today", but really, as soon as you can make a quick/cheap trip back. Really you are not going to get anywhere with this landlord, so your only hope for the $3k is to file.