Damn. I had a big 'ol response a few nights ago that got wiped out when my computer crapped out. (storms here lately). Now I'm very sorry I didn't post what I wrote. I'll try to re-conjure and summarise:
Wholly Krappe people, lay off the wife unit here! This guy found us, confessed his financial sins, then we started stabbing the wife with lawn darts right in the face. WTF? All I can think of here is the Monty Python scene where the crowd wants to burn the cute little blonde because "She's a witch!"
Back up a minute with me and review some of the critical points here:
OP has taken responsibility for the vast majority of the debt (or damn near all of it). He's excited about fixing that and he's looking for us to help. Some good advice has been given. Most excellent.
OP has told us his wife is very highly EMPATHETIC. She probably likes the weekend getaways because it gets her closer to her HUSBAND and away from all the other needy folks with whom she's EMPATHIZING. If she's as sensitive as he says, she feels the pull between her empathy for her clients/friends/supplicants and her husband, and she spends money because she knows he really, really likes to spend money.
Remember, OP told us how empathy was his wife's superpower, and he said "she will come along with things later after she figures it out". Let's look at that a little differently: She will come along when she finds a way to empathize with OP and she's sure he's not turned into a freaking fruit loop. OP all but painted this big, giant billboard for us that says "I AM IMPULSIVE". Wife ain't no fool. She knows this very well by now - she's the empath, they are good at that stuff.
Suddenly, OP gets MMM Religion, makes this giant about-face, starts saying things and talking things that the wife has never, ever heard come out of his mouth before.
Never, EVER heard come out of his mouth before. And it's words totally counter to the spend-spend-spend culture in the US. Naturally, she's skeptical. She's gotta let this cake bake a few days and see if it's something delicious, or if it comes out of the oven a flaming bag of poo.
What's one of the first things OP does after he gets religion (at OUR urging?)??? After knowing she grew up poor as hell, he starts to question her frugality creds. Suddenly and without warning, based on Internet Strangers urging, Dear Husband is turning into this...person...that she doesn't know and can't EMPATHIZE with and seems to have FORGOTTEN that she knows all about frugality and self denial and stoic living - been there, done that. And dear husband is acting like SHE'S the one spending him into the ground?!?!?
And now, OP goes to her talking about how he needs to move away and they need to live apart so he can settle a $22k debt. She not only thinks he's gone batshit crazy, she feels like she's been stabbed in the heart.
She asks him for his support if he does this, just to see if he still actually loves her or not. And you rats here on the forums are telling the OP to give her the 'ol heave-ho if she doesn't pack his bags for him. WTF?
Don't forget - while she's cleaning this giant, filthy house, she's got time to think and stew on this stuff. She's thinking there must be a whore in all this somewhere - why would dear husband give a crap what Internet Strangers think anyway?!?
dagiffy, I'm gonna shoot my mouth off at you a bit. Let me know if you think I'm full of it or not:
1) Your wife will "come along" with you when you give her the ability to empathize - give her the opportunity to read you, meditate, and help. Your wife is a therapist in life and needs to be able to offer aid and comfort to feel connection and...empathy.
You've got to ask for her help making your new religion work. Not talk to her about what she's got to give up RIGHT NOW. This isn't about stabbing her in the eye, it's about identifying the highest-impact financial moves you can make RIGHT NOW. You've already said the magic words: You are in kind-of a "Dave Ramsey style situation".
So, dagiffy, you confess your financial sins to your wife just as you have to us, (you have done this, right?), you explain how you've "got religion", and you explain that you realize, if you don't put this new religion into practice, that if you ever got hit by a bus, your DW would be a bag lady hanging out at the WalMart and life as she knows it would end.
Then, you explain that if you keep screwing up like you have, she'll be a bag lady down at WalMart anyway, because there will be nothing to live on.
Your wife's ability to deliver therapy and aid to anyone else will evaporate. There will be no Land<anything>, no nothing. Who you are as a couple and anything you have achieved up to this point will evaporate into nothingness. It will be as if you have never existed.
And then you identify for her the debt you are going to work on first. You explain to her what you are going to do about that, and you beg her to help you funnel your income at that debt like a flamethrower of love.
2) DON'T argue with her about the job you MIGHT get back MAYBE SOMETIME IN THE FUTURE. Take steps to get the job (for the purposes of losing the $22k debt), see if they offer it to you, THEN discuss with her what to do.
One thing you BETTER do, though, is figure out how long you have to work there to get that $22k forgiveness. If it's 20 years, that's just stupid. Figure out what the minimum time is that you'd need to be there (I'm sure you knew that from the prior employment) and use that as the number to discuss with your wife as the minimum time you need to live separate.)
3) You DO know that to an empath, the idea of living separately is damn near a death sentence anyway, right? You DO know that YOU provide your wife with shelter from the needs she's constantly serving out in the world - you are her recharger, her energy, her driving light in the pouring rain. If you take this job that requires you to live separate, it's gonna hurt bad.
Think about all the really shitty parts of this. You could end up missing those all-important birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, weekends and just random "today sucked" days with her.
She never forgets your birthday, isn't that right? And the time or two you've forgotten or nearly-forgotten hers, it was like you stabbed her in the heart, right? If you take the job, is it going to make it difficult for you to heed the call and be the husband she needs?
4) When you've picked your easy debt to resolve quickly, resolve that debt, then make a big deal out of it. Talk about the monthly $$'s you'll now have that you can put toward other debts. Then you know what you do? You take your beautiful wife out to a decent dinner at a place she likes.
Yeah, i said it. Waste just a LITTLE bit more money...to show her how much you appreciate her teaming with you to wipe out that debt. Make that accomplishment feel good, show her how you want to celebrate it with her and how much you appreciate her help.
5) One final thing: pick a project, an objective, a need that SHE has, and work with HER on it. When I got the MMM religion and my wife unit wasn't on board, I explained to her how we could use what I've learned to fund a project SHE wanted. I took a pause from my rabid paying-down-debt efforts, we started a new bank account and when we got to a $$ value she needed, we executed on a project for HER. We pulled together to accomplish something important to HER. Let me tell you, it made all the difference. My wife pulls with me on this like crazy and does a great, great job now where before, she didn't.
My biggest danger? Is when I slip up and buy something I shouldn't have. It sends the wrong signal, so I've learned not to do that, to keep on pushing toward the objective and celebrate with her when we DO make that objective.
And most important, most vital of all: Once you have the MMM religion, you don't let go. Hear me? You've started down a path you cannot jump off - you've got to stay on this path so she'll know you are serious, so she will be able to see how all this crap benefits her in the long run.
When you do that, like you said earlier in the thread, this woman will pull the same direction with you like a draft horse. And you'll be that man she loves to empathize with.
dagiffy, thanks for your postings in this thread and KUDOS to you for finding us and for wanting to turn your life around. DON'T LOSE THE FAITH, and BRING HER ALONG as you change!
I wouldn't blame you if you told us all to go to hell. It's not like any of our scurvy asses are coming to your McMansion tomorrow morning to cook you breakfast. Oh, that's right, SHE does that, the empathetic one!
And if you need to, show her what I've written. Tell her there's another guy like you married to another woman like her, out here on MMM. Tell her that we were up to our asses in debt, I damn near ran my wife off talking about this MMM crap.
Tell her that when I quit blaming my wife for nickels and dimes, and instead attacked the DOLLARS I was wasting, we worked our way out of $50k of debt. After only a few years, we're out of debt (except mortgage) and we're up $250k.
Tell her that at the age of 53, I could be facing a layoff soon (I'm the major earner and carry the bennies) but that we are in the best position we've ever been in to survive the layoff and find the next opportunity. We aren't sweating a buttload of debt and wondering what to sell to buy our next meal because today we can now thrive on her salary alone, where before, we could not make it on both our salaries combined.
Imagine that in your case. Being able to live debt-free on HER salary alone. Wow...that's an awesome thought, isn't it?
The true breakthrough for me was to quit sweating the damned small stuff and attack the big stuff that wasn't caused by her individually at all. Just set a course, tell her about it, and GO. Then celebrate when that one is done and move on to the next one.
OK, I'll shut up now 'cause my wife tells me sometimes I talk too much..... :-)