It's Official: My mom is a Certified Car Clown.

[thatbrowncat]

I just need someone, to listen, and help me process what I'm going through.

I've been applying the Principles of Mustachianism in my life since last year.

One of the dearest principles to me is: You don't borrow money for you car.

This one stuck a chord with me, so I've held it close to my heart.

I've even shared the Way of the Stache to my mom, hoping to convert you.

You see, her dream is to purchase a car. A Toyota Innova.

But good  mustachian daughter that I was, I've been discouraging her and waved the flagged of Being a Car Clown. I knew she had credit card bills to pay. I wanted her to prioritize those first. I didn't want her to be sunk deeper in the pit called "Debt".

Then last year, Hyundai Eon had a sale. You could purchase one for less than 500,000 Philippine Pesos. She wanted to get a car loan for that one, and was asking my permission.

Again, Ms. Philippine Mustachian that I was, I said no. If she bought the car, I wouldn't volunteer to pay for it, gas and maintenance. I would just allow the car to sit and rot in our garage. My motto was: I will only purchase for a car in cold hard cash. I don't care how long that would take me. I'm used to public transport. I can walk. I have an umbrella. I can plan when I'll go out.

And so, my mom didn't purchase one, because she saw how unenthusiastic I was.

Then this year, my mom began to tell me how I should learn how to drive like my older sister. How an important skill it is. Blah blah blah. She even enrolled me to driving school ( which I agreed, because she paid for it). I had an ominous premonition. The plants blocking our gate was removed. I asked our maids if my mom ordered them to move it. They said yes.

 Mom asked me what color I preferred: white or silver. I told her white.  I asked my mom if she planned to buy a car.

She answered: A Toyota Wigo.


sh(*(Q$*9q8-t!

I've never felt seething rage for my mom ever since. How could someone I love be so... financially st*p*d? I felt that was the greatest betrayal ever.

My old unhealthy way to cope began to emerge. I've ignored my mom. I don't talk to her.

Passive Aggressive. Definitely not healthy.

Then last Saturday, I had Graduate school. I went outside our house. Sh*t. The White Toyota Wigo. All in its shining splendid glory. its sparkling glory only reminded me of how financially illiterate my mom is.  (okay, maybe I'm a little unfair here because of anger).

Someone else drove me to school.

I was riding the shiny Wigo. Sigh.

Of course, I still continued my passive aggressive ways. Still ignored my mom. But I figured: this is only hurting me.

So here's what I did to cope with my anger:

1. "It's my mom's money. It's non of my business."
2. "I'll just follow my principle: I won't contribute for the car. I won't pay gas for it."
3. If mom wants me to drive it (one day), she has to pay me for it.
4. I'll just ignore the car.

so there.

But I can't deny that there's this teeny tiny part of me that wants a car. and is happy to see  car. Not just this way.

This Toyota Wigo is making me a mess, or I should say that my perception of the brand new car is making me a mess.

I would greatly appreciate anyone who can help me process out what I'm going through.

[lbmustache]

I feel for you because several members of my family also do the same dumb crap. :\ IMO part of the mustachian appeal is control... and it's frustrating when you can't control how others spend their money when it's so obviously wrong.

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can really do about it besides express your thoughts/wishes. You told your mom and she understands, but ultimately you cannot control how she chooses to spend her money. I don't think feeling rage and ignoring her is the way to go - although I understand where you are coming from (I used to do the same thing a lot when I lived at home and my parents would not do what I wanted). I think not paying for it is fair, assuming you continue to not use it.

On the plus side - she bought an economical, small Toyota.

In to see what others say.

[Retire-Canada]

Let the car sit. It's not your problem.

Have your maids put the plants all around it to make it clear you aren't interested.

Your only job in this life is to look after your own shit.

[FIRE me]

What's done is done.

So maybe the best thing is to accept the car whole heartedly. “What a fine car!” “So shinny and new, the car to end all cars. With just a little car and maintenance, it will last forever”. “So promise me”, you say to your Mom, “that you'll NEVER do it again”.

[funcomesfirst]

Different (because they buy the cars for themselves) but similar situation...my parents have been buying NEW CARS every 2-3 years for the past 10 or so years since my youngest sibling moved out (Dad gets one, then 2 yrs later Mom does, then 3 yrs later Dad does...it's ridiculous).  Before that they didn't buy new cars.  They think that since they pay cash for them it isn't a bad financial decision.  I know it is.  I get that they have worked hard and they feel they've earned it, but they're approaching retirement and this is affecting that and it is SO FRUSTRATING! 

I agree with Retire-Canada.  Don't use it.  If you've gone without until now, then do not reward behavior that you do not approve of. 

[SwordGuy]

I don't understand.

Your mom bought a car for herself, or your mom bought you a car?

[Adventine]

Yeah, I feel your pain. My parents have done similarly stupid things. But... It's their money. I can't tell them how to spend it. And it should be the same for your own spending money. You shouldn't let them tell you how to spend it.

If seeing your parents' stupid financial decisions stresses you out so much, you should seriously look into moving out.

[funcomesfirst]

If seeing your parents' stupid financial decisions stresses you out so much, you should seriously look into moving out.

I agree!

[soccerluvof4]

I agree with most... Don't drive it and let it sit. And don't be guilt-ed into driving it as its not your problem.

[kaposzta]

My parents also bought a brand new Nissan for a shitload of money, but the real problem was that they sold their "old" (7 year old), completely okay car for less than 20% of its original price. They could have EASILY got +50% money, but they didn't bother with selling to an individual, they sold it to the frickin car dealer (who sold the car in 2 days with 30% profit). At first, I was very angry, because my father has a very stressful job (pediatrician for 10 villages) which I think he hates, and he should retire as soon as possible - but now after purchasing the car, he thinks he should work for an extra few years. The funny thing is that his pension is quite high, so he could retire now anyway. Ah, parents :) I'm not angry with them any more, but I'm continuously trying to convince them that spending less money on STUPID things really helps retiring :)

[JLee]

If seeing your parents' stupid financial decisions stresses you out so much, you should seriously look into moving out.

I agree!

Yep.

Also, if the numbers I found were correct, Wigos can be had brand new for under $7000 USD? That's incredibly cheap for a car that will likely last for decades.

[marty998]

If seeing your parents' stupid financial decisions stresses you out so much, you should seriously look into moving out.

I agree!

Yep.

Also, if the numbers I found were correct, Wigos can be had brand new for under $7000 USD? That's incredibly cheap for a car that will likely last for decades.

She's in the Philippines. USD$7000 is a lot more than it sounds over there than in the US.

[Exflyboy]

Assuming I am reading you right..

"Your" first mistake ws answering "white" the choice of colour question.. You knew she was going to buy a car and you chose which colour it should be. In your Mom's mind she will justify the purchase partly because you chose the colour.. i.e SHE bought you what YOU wanted.

I understand this is seriously flawed logic but Mom's have a way of twisting things to their point of view. Expressing your anger at this point is basically saying to you Mom "Thanks for buying me exactly what I asked for but now I don't want it".

Its a no win argument. Having said that, I agree with others, simply do not drive the car.. ever.

Then move out if things become intolerable to live there.. Which it sounds like they are. The problem though, unless your paying them rent, your living costs will go up. So your really not in control of your owndestiny, although you are saving money by not paying rent.

[Kris]

If seeing your parents' stupid financial decisions stresses you out so much, you should seriously look into moving out.

I agree!

Not saying you are wrong, but in the context of the Philippines, where children often live with their parents until marriage and multigenerational houses are common, this typically Western advice is not quite as obviously correct.

[thatbrowncat]

If seeing your parents' stupid financial decisions stresses you out so much, you should seriously look into moving out.

I agree!

Not saying you are wrong, but in the context of the Philippines, where children often live with their parents until marriage and multigenerational houses are common, this typically Western advice is not quite as obviously correct.

It's a culture thing. Though it IS possible to go against culture. I've known some friends who have left their provinces to live in cities for work, and vice versa.

But I actually like the City I live in. I've thought of renting an apartment in the center of the city, but I figured I would save more if I stayed at home.

Adventine and I live in the same country, yet in different cities. But I really admire that she's financially independent and doesn't live with her family of origin.

I don't understand.

Your mom bought a car for herself, or your mom bought you a car?

She bought a car for the family. (me, hers and my sister. my dad is dead).

*my sister now lives in Hawaii. Mom wanted something my sister could drive is she decided to visit for vacation. The last time she went here was in 2012.

[Adventine]

Thanks, thebrowncat :) I'm suggesting moving out as a solution that isn't "normal" for our culture because it worked wonderfully well for me. I no longer see my parents' stupid financial decisions, and am mostly free of the accompanying social pressure to conform.

Kris, I know it isn't a typical solution in the Philippines to move out of the parents' house, for so many reasons (financial, cultural, logistical, etc.). But it most certainly can be done, especially if the relationships turned toxic like what happened in my own family.

[elaine amj]

It's frustrating - but I truly believe you cannot control how another adult spends her own money. If she chose to purchase this as a gift to you - you did your part - you advised her not to make an unwise spending decision. She chose to ignore you. You now have a choice - throw a tantrum because you could not control her behaviour, move out so you don't see the behaviour you don't agree with, or accept the gift graciously. (And several other variations in between)

I recently had a similar conversation with my mom - who is a very financially savvy woman who worked and saved and retired wealthy. She is currently in a LOT of debt (about $700k) and while she has the resources to pay it off, it is all in real estate and will take a long time to liquidate. Once she does, she should still be ok for the rest of her life if she lives a bit more frugally.

Last month, I told her to cash out a whole life policy she bought for me many years ago. It's not a hefty payout - but something and I don't need the coverage anymore. It's technically mine but she has been paying into it all these years (I never got around to taking over payments) so I told her she could have the payout. She immediately said she wanted to buy a new fancy piano to replace the beautiful grand piano she gave away because she will be moving in 1+ years (when her house sells!)

Ugh - I then went into a long lecture and argued that she should not buy a new piano until she sells her current house (when she will be financially liquid again).

The truth is though - she could go buy that piano tomorrow and I have absolutely no right to forbid her. Advise and counsel - yes. But if she chooses not to listen, that is her decision, not mine. Although I did tell her she better not use MY insurance money for anything other than her debts!!




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[SwordGuy]

I don't understand.

Your mom bought a car for herself, or your mom bought you a car?

She bought a car for the family. (me, hers and my sister. my dad is dead).

*my sister now lives in Hawaii. Mom wanted something my sister could drive is she decided to visit for vacation. The last time she went here was in 2012.

Wow.   That really is dumb.