Ok, I know I'm supposed to stay out of this. But.....
It's so odd, because I really don't think he's mean-spirited, I think he's delusional.
Here's a text I just received from him. He's trying to decide on if he should move to Mexico (where I am), because I told him about a job offer here. We've been texting about it for about two weeks now.
"she got on my case about cell phone and car insurance and I got upset because I could tell she wasn't saying what was on her mind (per usual) so I pressed her to speak freely and then it was just about money... I'm sick of money ruling everything... she doesn't have an uncertain financial future right ? She's good isn't she ?
"I think I might [take the job and move to mexico]... I just dont know that leaving mother alone in the winter here is the best... but she just resents me for being here and living for free so I dunno what to do"
I said,
"Mom will be fine on her own. Shes an adult. She raised three kids. That shouldn't enter into your decision.
Yeah and if she resents you you should definitely get out of there.
Obviously! What an awful way to live! Don't put up with that!"
Ok, so obviously I'm playing double-agent here. Do you see how he thinks he's responsible for her problems (helping her in the winter), and she's responsible for his problems (paying his bills). He doesn't know about boundaries!!! It's so interesting to see this play out, all while I'm reading some self-help books about maintaining my own boundaries.
So I think in my family, love = rescuing. I remember back in high school one night (maybe more, but one sticks in my memory), of my mom up late typing up a paper for him. As in, he had written the rough draft on paper and needed to turn it in typed. And she did that for him. And that's still going on.
And my brother is twisted in a way because of all of this, because now he's making decisions based on some weird thing he owes to her (mind you, not what she wants, for him to pay his bills, but out of a sense of obligation to help her at some point in the future--like if the driveway needs to be shoveled?).
Thing is he doesn't actually help her. He doesn't mow the lawn when she asks. He doesn't install the wiper blades on the car if she asks. She shovels the driveway herself most of the time. He'll help some of the time, but not like in a gung-ho way. Only after multiple asks.
It's hard for be to believe he's manipulative because he talks a big game about love, family, community, and how it's not all about money, and everyone only cares about money and that's why they're all depressed. But maybe he's not as innocent as I believe. Maybe he's just lying to himself and making excuses for living at home.
Mskyle and others is right with their advice. My mom is the only one who can stop enabling.
Ok, one other significant factor is that our dad passed away of cancer last September. Brother moved in a bit before that. So we all kind of thought, well he's grieving, needs some time, but I don't believe that anymore. It's been almost a year. And now just about a month ago gf broke up with him. Honestly having some real-world problems to worry about (rather than being rescued by mom) would help take his mind off these emotional problems.