Splitting costs of a road trip?

[G-String]

Please ignore my previous posts and focus solely on this question - I would appreciate this post not getting sidetracked.  My GF will be going on a road trip in a couple months with 3 of her kids for one of her kids athletic competitions.  They will be staying in a hotel for 1-2 nights.  My GF invited me to join them on the trip. This is a trip I would never choose on my own as the location is very boring in itself.  But I will enjoy it because I obviously enjoy spending time with my GF and I really like her kids so it will be fun. 

My GF has not mentioned anything about me contributing to the costs of the trip, such as gas and the hotel stay.  I would like to help with the trip costs but I am unsure what is fair.  As context, my GF makes more money than I do but she has more expenses than I do with her kids.  Considering she will be taking the trip, with or without me, what is a fair amount for me to contribute?  I expect the gas to cost around $50 round trip, and the hotel is around $150-200 per night. 

Thanks in advance. 

[curious_george]

What is fair is whatever you and her agree to being fair.

You really need to work on being comfortable having deep, hard conversations with your girlfriend...

I wonder how long before this thread gets derailed.

*Gets out popcorn*

ETA: It doesn't matter what dollar amount you contribute. If you don't know what she expects or how she thinks and feels about it it will probably wind up being a frustrating experience for both of you. Some people will literally get offended if you pay for everything without asking, it all depends on the person, which is why communication is so important.

ETA2: If you really want a dollar amount I would err on the side of caution and give her $500 dollars, plus help pay for meals.

[Metalcat]

I agree with TL, what's fair is what the two of you negotiate to be fair.

There is no standard answer here.

What's reasonable for the two of you could range anywhere from you paying nothing because it's her treat because you would otherwise never take the trip, to you paying only what costs would be additional to you being added, to you paying proportionally as one of two adults on the trip meaning you split gas, hotel room, apt for your own food/activities and she pay for her half of those things plus all of the costs for her kids, to you splitting the trip evenly, to you paying more for whatever reasons.

All of the above are totally reasonable splits depending on what the two of you establish as reasonable within your relationship.

As TL said, you're going to have to talk about it.

[GilesMM]

You could just ask her.  Failing that, how about buying the gas and maybe a dinner for everyone?

[sonofsven]

I would split all bills 50/50  between the adults. Keep it simple. "Fair" is completely subjective.

[G-String]

Fair enough everyone, I will ask her what she expects.  She never mentioned anything about expenses, she just asked me if I wanted to join them on the trip.  I was thinking of paying half the gas plus half of the hotel costs, so around $100 for one night or $150-$200 if it's 2 nights.  But I will ask her what she expects. 

I appreciate the quick responses. 

[Paper Chaser]

I'm usually compelled to contribute something close to half in cases like this. We don't break it down to the exact dollar or anything, but if she pays for lodging, then I'll pay for transportation and food or vice versa. We have separate finances, but view it all as "our" money since we're a team that's building this life together. I think it's more about making the effort to contribute than it is about specific percentages or dollar amounts.

[Metalcat]

Fair enough everyone, I will ask her what she expects.  She never mentioned anything about expenses, she just asked me if I wanted to join them on the trip.  I was thinking of paying half the gas plus half of the hotel costs, so around $100 for one night or $150-$200 if it's 2 nights.  But I will ask her what she expects. 

I appreciate the quick responses.

What do *you* think is fair?

What happens if she expects more than what you think is fair? Are you going to feel "used" again?

It's important that you have your own perspective on what you believe to be fair and that you endeavour to understand her perspective of what is fair and that the two of you are able to *both* feel respected in the end.

[G-String]

Fair enough everyone, I will ask her what she expects.  She never mentioned anything about expenses, she just asked me if I wanted to join them on the trip.  I was thinking of paying half the gas plus half of the hotel costs, so around $100 for one night or $150-$200 if it's 2 nights.  But I will ask her what she expects. 

I appreciate the quick responses.

What do *you* think is fair?

What happens if she expects more than what you think is fair? Are you going to feel "used" again?

It's important that you have your own perspective on what you believe to be fair and that you endeavour to understand her perspective of what is fair and that the two of you are able to *both* feel respected in the end.

In my view fair would be me paying around one-quarter to one-third of the gas and hotel, plus paying for my own meals.  My thinking is that isn't a trip I would take on my own, she is going either way whether I come or not, and me going isn't adding any expenses for her.  But I will be generous (in my mind at least) and offer to pay for half. 

To answer your question, if she is expecting too much then yes I may feel used, as it would then appear that she only invited me to reduce her expenses. 

[Metalcat]

Fair enough everyone, I will ask her what she expects.  She never mentioned anything about expenses, she just asked me if I wanted to join them on the trip.  I was thinking of paying half the gas plus half of the hotel costs, so around $100 for one night or $150-$200 if it's 2 nights.  But I will ask her what she expects. 

I appreciate the quick responses.

What do *you* think is fair?

What happens if she expects more than what you think is fair? Are you going to feel "used" again?

It's important that you have your own perspective on what you believe to be fair and that you endeavour to understand her perspective of what is fair and that the two of you are able to *both* feel respected in the end.

In my view fair would be me paying around one-quarter to one-third of the gas and hotel, plus paying for my own meals.  My thinking is that isn't a trip I would take on my own, she is going either way, and me going isn't adding any expenses for her.  But I will be generous (in my mind at least) and offer to pay for half. 

To answer your question, if she is expecting too much then yes I may feel used, as it would then appear that she only invited me to reduce her expenses.

Then why don't you tell her exactly this?

Tell her what you think is fair and then tell her that you want to be generous and pay more.

If you don't tell her this thinking, the next time this comes up she might assume that your version of "generous" is what you think is "fair" and she might expect more of you than you're willing to give.

When it comes to money in relationships, it's critical to be open and honest, otherwise you're just setting up future traps.

[Kris]

Fair enough everyone, I will ask her what she expects.  She never mentioned anything about expenses, she just asked me if I wanted to join them on the trip.  I was thinking of paying half the gas plus half of the hotel costs, so around $100 for one night or $150-$200 if it's 2 nights.  But I will ask her what she expects. 

I appreciate the quick responses.

What do *you* think is fair?

What happens if she expects more than what you think is fair? Are you going to feel "used" again?

It's important that you have your own perspective on what you believe to be fair and that you endeavour to understand her perspective of what is fair and that the two of you are able to *both* feel respected in the end.

In my view fair would be me paying around one-quarter to one-third of the gas and hotel, plus paying for my own meals.  My thinking is that isn't a trip I would take on my own, she is going either way whether I come or not, and me going isn't adding any expenses for her.  But I will be generous (in my mind at least) and offer to pay for half. 

To answer your question, if she is expecting too much then yes I may feel used, as it would then appear that she only invited me to reduce her expenses.

If at this point in your relationship, you actually believe she is the type of person who would invite you only to reduce her expenses, then you don’t trust her or think enough of her to stay with her.

[tooqk4u22]

Realistically, she shouldn't ask or expect anything other than covering any expenses you are adding.   

I view this as she is inviting you along to be with them as part of the family experience that is what parents do for their kids....it says she likes you and her kids like you (5 people, even family, for two nights is a lot) and it's a way for you to participate beyond her individually and/or with her kids on home field. 

Speaking as someone with 3 kids in travel sports, they are not "vacation" getaways and you are likely there for moral support/companionship so be sure not to complain how ridiculous and time consuming it all is, which it is. 

Picking up a meal or two, some snacks along the way and ad-hoc offer for gas when you stop is perfectly reasonable.   Another good option would be to see if you can upgrade the hotel room to a suite and pick up the difference a that would give you more space and show your generosity and thoughtfulness.   

 And if you all already live together and has been long term in nature then you should already have a sense of what's fair or expected.

[G-String]

Fair enough everyone, I will ask her what she expects.  She never mentioned anything about expenses, she just asked me if I wanted to join them on the trip.  I was thinking of paying half the gas plus half of the hotel costs, so around $100 for one night or $150-$200 if it's 2 nights.  But I will ask her what she expects. 

I appreciate the quick responses.

What do *you* think is fair?

What happens if she expects more than what you think is fair? Are you going to feel "used" again?

It's important that you have your own perspective on what you believe to be fair and that you endeavour to understand her perspective of what is fair and that the two of you are able to *both* feel respected in the end.

In my view fair would be me paying around one-quarter to one-third of the gas and hotel, plus paying for my own meals.  My thinking is that isn't a trip I would take on my own, she is going either way whether I come or not, and me going isn't adding any expenses for her.  But I will be generous (in my mind at least) and offer to pay for half. 

To answer your question, if she is expecting too much then yes I may feel used, as it would then appear that she only invited me to reduce her expenses.

If at this point in your relationship, you actually believe she is the type of person who would invite you only to reduce her expenses, then you don’t trust her or think enough of her to stay with her.

I don't think this, but the hypothetical question was asked by another poster, so I answered. 

[Villanelle]

I'm confused.  You said you were thinking of paying half.  Then when asked what you thought as reasonable, you said 1/3.  So why were/are you thinking of paying half if you don't think that's fair? 

Fair enough everyone, I will ask her what she expects.  She never mentioned anything about expenses, she just asked me if I wanted to join them on the trip.  I was thinking of paying half the gas plus half of the hotel costs, so around $100 for one night or $150-$200 if it's 2 nights.  But I will ask her what she expects. 

I appreciate the quick responses.

What do *you* think is fair?

What happens if she expects more than what you think is fair? Are you going to feel "used" again?

It's important that you have your own perspective on what you believe to be fair and that you endeavour to understand her perspective of what is fair and that the two of you are able to *both* feel respected in the end.

In my view fair would be me paying around one-quarter to one-third of the gas and hotel, plus paying for my own meals.  My thinking is that isn't a trip I would take on my own, she is going either way whether I come or not, and me going isn't adding any expenses for her.  But I will be generous (in my mind at least) and offer to pay for half. 

To answer your question, if she is expecting too much then yes I may feel used, as it would then appear that she only invited me to reduce her expenses.

If at this point in your relationship, you actually believe she is the type of person who would invite you only to reduce her expenses, then you don’t trust her or think enough of her to stay with her.

I don't think this, but the hypothetical question was asked by another poster, so I answered.

Huh?  You said that is she asks that, then it is how you'd feel.  So you clearly do believe it.  If someone asked me to cover half the costs of  trip, I wouldn't automatically assumed I was being used to lower their costs.  I'd assume that they thought that since we were both going, it was reasonabel to split costs evenly.  If I disagreed with that, I'd offer a counter proposal, but I'd never assume that since they asked for me to covers some costs, that was probably the reason for the invite.  You would assume that, which shows a level of cynacism, disrespect, and  skepticism.  If I did assume that, then the invitee would no longer be a friend, because I'm not friends with people I don't trust or respect, and who I think so little of that I jump to the conclusion they are using me. 

[Archipelago]

Listen man, I've come across a few of your topics and haven't commented on them because people like @Metalcat are wiser and better at explaining 'life stuff' like this. I'm commenting because I've struggled with being a 'Nice guy' and having validation issues for practically my entire life that I am just now coming around to. My life is becoming infinitely better since changing my schema.

I will enjoy it because I obviously enjoy spending time with my GF and I really like her kids so it will be fun.

I would like to help with the trip costs but I am unsure what is fair.

This is cognitive dissonance. You say you'd like to go on the trip because you like spending time with your GF and her kids. Why are you making it transactional? Why are you fabricating a covert contract? If you contribute too little towards the trip, you're worried that your GF's perception of you will falter. If you give too much, you feel like you're owed something in return (i.e. praise, sex). There is no 'right answer'. The outcome is irrelevant. The problem is not what is fair. The problem is your sense of worth & validation is tied to what others think of you. You're on an anonymous internet forum posing relationship questions to seek validation.

Dude, no one actually gives a shit what is 'fair'. It's YOUR relationship. You're seeking validation from external sources under the guise of 'fairness.' You are repeatedly falling into an ego trap. STOP IT.

You want an answer for your hypothetical scenario?

1. Delete this topic. Stop looking towards external sources to glean information on what is fair or not.

2. Decide what YOU want to contribute to the trip, anywhere from $0 to the entire cost. If you don't want to go on the trip in the first place, say it and own it. Don't go on the trip while covertly expecting something in return. Be honest with yourself.

3. Tell your GF "I want to contribute X to this trip" and leave it at that. Better yet, don't even say it. Just send her the money (or don't) and shut up. Do not open a long, drawn-out discussion on why or what is fair.

4. Own your decision and do not covertly look to get something out of it. You are a grown man. It doesn't matter if you're praised for your decision. It doesn't matter if you're disapproved of either. People in life are going to take you for granted all the time or invalidate you regardless of what you do. These outcomes do not change your fundamental worth as a person.

5. Respect yourself more as a result of this process and become a stronger, more solid person.

[Zikoris]

I would probably ask them "How would you like to split costs for the trip?" and then go from there. If the other person had a strong preference for doing things a certain way, cool. If not, I'd propose different options.

[rothwem]

Listen man, I've come across a few of your topics and haven't commented on them because people like @Metalcat are wiser and better at explaining 'life stuff' like this. I'm commenting because I've struggled with being a 'Nice guy' and having validation issues for practically my entire life that I am just now coming around to. My life is becoming infinitely better since changing my schema.

I will enjoy it because I obviously enjoy spending time with my GF and I really like her kids so it will be fun.

I would like to help with the trip costs but I am unsure what is fair.

This is cognitive dissonance. You say you'd like to go on the trip because you like spending time with your GF and her kids. Why are you making it transactional? Why are you fabricating a covert contract? If you contribute too little towards the trip, you're worried that your GF's perception of you will falter. If you give too much, you feel like you're owed something in return (i.e. praise, sex). There is no 'right answer'. The outcome is irrelevant. The problem is not what is fair. The problem is your sense of worth & validation is tied to what others think of you. You're on an anonymous internet forum posing relationship questions to seek validation.

Dude, no one actually gives a shit what is 'fair'. It's YOUR relationship. You're seeking validation from external sources under the guise of 'fairness.' You are repeatedly falling into an ego trap. STOP IT.

You want an answer for your hypothetical scenario?

1. Delete this topic. Stop looking towards external sources to glean information on what is fair or not.

2. Decide what YOU want to contribute to the trip, anywhere from $0 to the entire cost. If you don't want to go on the trip in the first place, say it and own it. Don't go on the trip while covertly expecting something in return. Be honest with yourself.

3. Tell your GF "I want to contribute X to this trip" and leave it at that. Better yet, don't even say it. Just send her the money (or don't) and shut up. Do not open a long, drawn-out discussion on why or what is fair.

4. Own your decision and do not covertly look to get something out of it. You are a grown man. It doesn't matter if you're praised for your decision. It doesn't matter if you're disapproved of either. People in life are going to take you for granted all the time or invalidate you regardless of what you do. These outcomes do not change your fundamental worth as a person.

5. Respect yourself more as a result of this process and become a stronger, more solid person.

*round of applause*

Guys we can close the thread now.

[uniwelder]

In my view fair would be me paying around one-quarter to one-third of the gas and hotel, plus paying for my own meals.  My thinking is that isn't a trip I would take on my own, she is going either way whether I come or not, and me going isn't adding any expenses for her.  But I will be generous (in my mind at least) and offer to pay for half. 

If your GF is traveling with 3 kids, how many hotel rooms would they use?  They might all share one room, but could be two.  If you go on this trip, would that add another room, so an extra $150-300 that might not exist if you weren't with them?

[JupiterGreen]

Listen man, I've come across a few of your topics and haven't commented on them because people like @Metalcat are wiser and better at explaining 'life stuff' like this. I'm commenting because I've struggled with being a 'Nice guy' and having validation issues for practically my entire life that I am just now coming around to. My life is becoming infinitely better since changing my schema.

I will enjoy it because I obviously enjoy spending time with my GF and I really like her kids so it will be fun.

I would like to help with the trip costs but I am unsure what is fair.

This is cognitive dissonance. You say you'd like to go on the trip because you like spending time with your GF and her kids. Why are you making it transactional? Why are you fabricating a covert contract? If you contribute too little towards the trip, you're worried that your GF's perception of you will falter. If you give too much, you feel like you're owed something in return (i.e. praise, sex). There is no 'right answer'. The outcome is irrelevant. The problem is not what is fair. The problem is your sense of worth & validation is tied to what others think of you. You're on an anonymous internet forum posing relationship questions to seek validation.

Dude, no one actually gives a shit what is 'fair'. It's YOUR relationship. You're seeking validation from external sources under the guise of 'fairness.' You are repeatedly falling into an ego trap. STOP IT.

You want an answer for your hypothetical scenario?

1. Delete this topic. Stop looking towards external sources to glean information on what is fair or not.

2. Decide what YOU want to contribute to the trip, anywhere from $0 to the entire cost. If you don't want to go on the trip in the first place, say it and own it. Don't go on the trip while covertly expecting something in return. Be honest with yourself.

3. Tell your GF "I want to contribute X to this trip" and leave it at that. Better yet, don't even say it. Just send her the money (or don't) and shut up. Do not open a long, drawn-out discussion on why or what is fair.

4. Own your decision and do not covertly look to get something out of it. You are a grown man. It doesn't matter if you're praised for your decision. It doesn't matter if you're disapproved of either. People in life are going to take you for granted all the time or invalidate you regardless of what you do. These outcomes do not change your fundamental worth as a person.

5. Respect yourself more as a result of this process and become a stronger, more solid person.

*round of applause*

Guys we can close the thread now.

Haha, I was thinking the same thing. Very well written response.

[GilesMM]

Listen man, I've come across a few of your topics and haven't commented on them because people like @Metalcat are wiser and better at explaining 'life stuff' like this. I'm commenting because I've struggled with being a 'Nice guy' and having validation issues for practically my entire life that I am just now coming around to. My life is becoming infinitely better since changing my schema.

I will enjoy it because I obviously enjoy spending time with my GF and I really like her kids so it will be fun.

I would like to help with the trip costs but I am unsure what is fair.

This is cognitive dissonance. You say you'd like to go on the trip because you like spending time with your GF and her kids. Why are you making it transactional? Why are you fabricating a covert contract? If you contribute too little towards the trip, you're worried that your GF's perception of you will falter. If you give too much, you feel like you're owed something in return (i.e. praise, sex). There is no 'right answer'. The outcome is irrelevant. The problem is not what is fair. The problem is your sense of worth & validation is tied to what others think of you. You're on an anonymous internet forum posing relationship questions to seek validation.

Dude, no one actually gives a shit what is 'fair'. It's YOUR relationship. You're seeking validation from external sources under the guise of 'fairness.' You are repeatedly falling into an ego trap. STOP IT.

You want an answer for your hypothetical scenario?

1. Delete this topic. Stop looking towards external sources to glean information on what is fair or not.

2. Decide what YOU want to contribute to the trip, anywhere from $0 to the entire cost. If you don't want to go on the trip in the first place, say it and own it. Don't go on the trip while covertly expecting something in return. Be honest with yourself.

3. Tell your GF "I want to contribute X to this trip" and leave it at that. Better yet, don't even say it. Just send her the money (or don't) and shut up. Do not open a long, drawn-out discussion on why or what is fair.

4. Own your decision and do not covertly look to get something out of it. You are a grown man. It doesn't matter if you're praised for your decision. It doesn't matter if you're disapproved of either. People in life are going to take you for granted all the time or invalidate you regardless of what you do. These outcomes do not change your fundamental worth as a person.

5. Respect yourself more as a result of this process and become a stronger, more solid person.

*round of applause*

Guys we can close the thread now.

Haha, I was thinking the same thing. Very well written response.

+3 best response by far

[G-String]

In my view fair would be me paying around one-quarter to one-third of the gas and hotel, plus paying for my own meals.  My thinking is that isn't a trip I would take on my own, she is going either way whether I come or not, and me going isn't adding any expenses for her.  But I will be generous (in my mind at least) and offer to pay for half. 

If your GF is traveling with 3 kids, how many hotel rooms would they use?  They might all share one room, but could be two.  If you go on this trip, would that add another room, so an extra $150-300 that might not exist if you weren't with them?

We are all staying in one room...it sleeps 6.