Wow, alot of replies here. I would like to reply to all of them but, for simplicity's sake won't. To all those who have experienced similar things: thanks for sharing. I think it will work out; we're communicating alot about it and have decided, going forward, we need to st aside one night a week to talk about these sorts of financial things and set out clearer goals. We'll see how it goes when we do that next week. In the meantime, I'll manage on the weekends without a car and he'll fix a scooter he has (back in our old town) so we can have that too (without paying extra parking or buying something). He thinks the raise in the fall will be around 5-8k more and, if that's the case AND he's happier, it's a good move.
To those who said something along the lines of "dump him" or "it seems like you're judging him" or "it seems like money matters to you," I deliberately started my post with "long story short" because, in a seven year relationship, there's alot of context that goes into why I moved to a new city and the sacrifices we've made for one another's careers and finances. So here's some context.
While I got my professional degree, he was working full time but I paid half our shared expenses. I think that's fair, as I incurred half of them. He had an old truck; I had a used bike. I did not seek jobs that required me to use his truck (in fact, he didn't let me use it at all). Again, it's his truck, it's his choice.
After grad school, I got my professional license in his state and found work there because he wanted to stay there. After trying to use a bus to get to and from work for a few months, I caved and bought the Subaru on craigslist with money I got from my grandpa's life insurance policy. When I got offered more lucrative jobs more in line with what I wanted to do, I stayed in his town because he wanted to see where opportunities at the bike store (that promised him raises they never gave) went. Those promises didn't go anywhere and my career (his health and our relationship) suffered. The place I worked dissolved, I was on unemployment (again still paid half the expenses from my unemployment benefits and savings), and it took me six months to find permanent employment. At the same time, he was working in the bike shop 7 days a week, with no benefits, no raises and would come home grumpy and tired. We fought alot. Ultimately I moved out because I felt that, in structuring my life to support his lifestyle and career goals, I had lost sight of my own and didn't feel supported.
A few months later (after I dated other people, found a better therapist, and got my career back on track), we reconnected. I had a term job that was about to end and was still seeking permanent work in our town, but not having any luck. Then the opportunity to move to Atlanta--where the market rate pays me a third more than our previous town--opened up, so I took it. We continued to see each other and talk and, when I found out that bike shops here offer health insurance and 401ks because it's a bigger market, I urged him to look into it.
He moved when he got a job here that 1) had health insurance 2) a 401k (he is not using) and 3) a bigger market for his career. With rising COL in our previous city but stagnant wages and few benefits, he couldn't continue to live there alone. So, yes, he moved for me, but it is also a no brainer career move for him. I bought the property I recently did because the place I was renting (which I was fine with) is too small for all his bikes and vinyl records and 2 people. When I bought, I used the rest of my grandpa's life insurance payout (which I'd invested) and money I saved over the last 3 years. I took out the mortgage alone because, with just my credit, the rate was better.
What I love about my partner is that he is different than me. I hated the white collar types I dated before and after him; I hated their pretension and that they cared about where I got my degrees and how many countries I've lived in. I love that my partner is from small town, blue collar America but defies its constraints. For instance, the reason he refuses to work more lucrative construction type jobs (despite his father being a master plumber) is because he hated the people who worked in those fields and considered it a culture of toxic masculinity. My version of a budget is mint and spreadsheets, his is "don't spend all your money." We're a very odd pair for sure but there's no one else we can be our weird imperfect selves with.
I guess what I was trying to get at with my original question was how to overcome the external shit, like how retail employees are devalued, or how hard it is for people who come from blue collar backgrounds to conceive of and advocate for an employment context in which they are not taken for granted, or how your parents whack ideas about finances take time to unlearn. We've been through alot together, I expect we will go through much more (we're getting married next year, low key). It's not that I don't want to support him or share finances; I've just generally shouldered my financial burdens alone (with the immense privilege of my family's generosity in paying for part of my education and in leaving me something when they died) and assume I always will. So I don't know how to balance that self-supporting role (which, in this case, is telling me "you pay a higher mortgage so you can avoid using your car!") with a partnership where the other person may need my financial support more often than I need theirs.
I feel like the message I get (especially as a woman who is more educated or professionally mobile than her partner) is that socio-economic opposites can't ever work. I want that to not be the case and I guess this whole car thing just brings up those deeper concerns. I felt like, because MMM is focused on financial self-betterment (and fostering a community that enables that) there might be some interesting insight here. I guess I'm kind of disappointed to hear alot of the comments echo the negativity I've heard elsewhere about romantic partnerships in which the people were dealt very different socio-economic hands and, consequently, negotiate financial decisions very differently.
