Implications of marrying a high NW partner

[Saffron]

My long term boyfriend recently disclosed to me that he has a higher net worth that I ever imagined after receiving an inheritance.  We've been talking about getting engaged soon and I'm just a little taken aback by the NW disclosure. If we combine finances when we get married I'd find myself suddenly FI a few times over. Does anyone have any experience with having a partner with such a disparate difference in NW?

A little detail about both of us:

We both live pretty modestly. I'm a ~30F engineering professional. I've been working towards FI since about 2017, about when I hit zero NW after paying off student loans and whatnot. I hit $100K NW in 2019 and am on track to hit $250K NW this year. I had hoped hit coast fi in 2-3 years and FI in 10. I'm pretty darn frugal, have a paid off car and rent a small house, with an annual spend of altogether of ~$45K. He is a few years older than me and has what many would describe as a leisure job. He lives like a monk, has a small condo, and his biggest excess is having his dream car (a used, midrange sportscar).

I know I need to sit down an talk with him about this, but I want to get my thoughts in order before we have a deep conversation.  For now, I'm going to keep working like we're seprate units, but when we get engaged/married I won't have that luxury.

Some of my concerns:

• How will this effect my career? I could potentially pursue more interesting/risky jobs without money being motivating factor. I like, but don't love my current job.
• What about when we have kids? It would open more opportunity/pressure to downshift in my career. How do we do this equitably?
• I don't want or expect it, and I love him with all my heart, but divorce is a real possibility. What would a fair Prenup look like, especially when I might make career and savings descisions based upon his wealth?

What have I missed? I'm expecting to have a deeper conversation about implications this weekend. This life stuff is scary and exciting.

[seemsright]

A prenup for sure. And the rest of the adulting paperwork, Wills, POA, etc. And then if kids then a trust and new adulting paperwork.

Just try to get on the same page as your BF. And go from there.

[charis]

I don't know your jurisdiction, but he could avoid comingling the inheritance even if you do combine finances upon marriage. How close are you to marriage and does he plan to use the inheritance as marital funds?

[trollwithamustache]

So, I'm gonna through out there NW doesn't matter. (well, yeah, you should expect him to insist on a pre-nup)

What really matters is how you want to spend your money and time. Talk to him about this leisure job. What does that mean around FI? Then talk about kids, how you want to raise them, then the dollar side of that.

Or find one of those 1001 questions before getting married type books and work through them.   His Net worth means you guys won't have money stress, but mean jack S&^t for you two actually being happy.  Plus net worth can dumpazola with bad investment choices.

[terran]

If he keeps the accounts in his name then if you ever get divorced it's highly likely he'll get to keep all of that money. If he adds you to the accounts it's more likely the money will be split. IMO either approach is perfectly reasonable, so I wouldn't get mad at him if he wants to keep the accounts separate so they don't become "marital assets," but I also wouldn't consider myself fully FI in that case either. Sure, enjoy the fruits of that money to the extent that he chooses to share it, but make sure you're making decisions that don't put you in danger if you end up getting divorced or in a position where you'll feel like you have to stay in a bad relationship because of money. I'm sure it's hard to imagine any of that happening now, but no one gets married thinking people and situations will change and they do all the time.

I'd second the prenup suggestion. This might end up being all about protecting his money from you, or it might be about how much of his money you'll get if you get divorced, but at least you'll know going into it what you're signing up for. Make sure everything is out on the table including how kids (whether planned now or not) and what happens with money you both earn during the marriage. You don't want to agree to something that lets him keep his inheritance and also half of what each of you saves unless he continues to save at least as much as you despite already having a large inheritance.

Once you know exactly what will happen if you do end up splitting you can make your own decisions about what risks you're willing to take. I'd still want to work towards individual FI, but that's up to you.

[Adventine]

Was the inheritance a recent event?

If yes, your boyfriend may still be getting used to the idea of a windfall. He will need time on his own to process, and figure out what he wants to do with this newfound wealth, especially since "he lives like a monk."

He also has to recalibrate his own goals and reassess his own priorities. Any conversation you have with him should ideally happen after he's had some time to think on his own.

And then you can frame the conversation in terms of how the two of you, as a team, can achieve your shared goals (career/kids/shared household).

What does "equitable" and "fair" mean to both of you, now that the inheritance has changed the power dynamics in the relationship?

This likely won't be just a single conversation over one weekend. It will be many conversations over a prolonged period, and you may discover your own priorities changing over time, as both of you get used to this newfound wealth.

[socaso]

You want to find out what the marriage laws are in your state. Some states immediately consider everything community property upon marriage and other only allow assets acquired during the marriage to be considered community property.

If I were in your shoes I would immediately offer a prenup. But at the same time, you need to discuss how you will handle finances when you are married, separately or join? Shared accounts, or separate? Also, if you haven't discussed your FIRE plans with him you should and find out what he thinks about that and how he's expecting money to be handled in that event.

The two of you sound very well matched! It's wonderful that you are having these conversations now. Having a partner who is on the same page as you financially is a huge boon in a marriage. I feel fortunate to have a partner like that, myself.

[StashingAway]

> For now, I'm going to keep working like we're separate units, but when we get engaged/married I won't have that luxury

You consider it a luxury to manage two sets of finances in one household?

It all comes down to personal opinion. What does marriage mean to you? What would the situation look like if you had the windfall instead of him?

I'm old school. Combine finances, don't plan for divorce, all that jazz. Marriage is a team effort. I don't really understand the point if you're going to still live like roommates with benefits. Half of the fun is going all in on this crazy life journey together with someone that you can trust and are on the same page as. There's more skin in the game and intrinsic motivation to succeed if you are fully committed. You will change and so will your partner, so plan to be flexible in how you deal with afflictions.

But that's MY way. Other people have healthy, happy, fulfilling lives with pre-nups and separate finances. Bottom line is that you need to do what's right for you and your partner.

[ixtap]

The only question you need to ask in the first conversation is "How do you (meaning him) see this affecting your future plans?"

[Metalcat]

I agree with everyone who has said that this doesn't affect anything in terms of how you handle your collective finances as a couple.

It will absolutely affect the outcome, but it doesn't in any way affect the approach you take.

You talk through it step by step, making sure that you are on the same page each step of the way. If you have questions about specifics, then either seek out yourself or get him to seek out for himself the appropriate professional advice.

If I were talking to him, I would recommend that he talk to a lawyer and an accountant about all of the various implications of his wealth and relationships, so that he is fully informed. This could be done alone or with you, depending on what stage you are at with the financial discourse.

To put it this way, DH or I could inherit 8 figures tomorrow and it would change a damn thing about how we talk about our finances.

Figure out how to talk about money and then any and all financial situations will be easy to manage.

[mozar]

If he's the one with the "leisure" job it seems like he should be the one to downshift for kids.

[SwordGuy]

Legally, I don't know whether which state's laws apply to this, the state one marries in or the state one divorces in?

[Padonak]

I am curious, what is his "leisure job"? I am also looking for one lol

[Metalcat]

If he's the one with the "leisure" job it seems like he should be the one to downshift for kids.

I don't necessarily agree with this.

My "leisure" work is generally perceived in my marriage as the more significant work, even when it's unpaid and very casual.

It depends on what the work means to each person.

[Dicey]

At one point in my very long single life, I dated someone like this, except most of his 'stache was earned. At first, I thought it was great, but over time, I noticed he had weird money habits. For example, he always wanted me to contribute, but he was always vague about how. Nothing but nothing I tried ever hit the sweet spot, so I kicked his rich ass to the curb with no regrets.

OTOH, my DIL married someone with a "Live for today" approach to life. She has $100k from an accident settlement that he doesn't know about. I have no idea how she hides it and I'm never going to ask. I can't imagine marrying someone that you don't trust with all of your money.

My point for you is what matters most is his spending habits. Is he generous with you? Do his definitions of frugality match yours? If you reallyreallyreally wanted something that was expensive, but worth it to you, would he be supportive? The way he treats all the money in his life with respect to you is what really matters, not the number of zeros.

[use2betrix]

If I loved someone with all my heart and was ready to marry them, I would’ve had this conversation with my SO long before ever coming to a forum to ask.

I could see having the discussion with him, then coming here to ask advice/input/interpretation.. But why is there any hesitation to talk to him about these things at this point in your relationship?

[yachi]

If he's the one with the "leisure" job it seems like he should be the one to downshift for kids.

I think this is in response to OP's second concern:

• What about when we have kids? It would open more opportunity/pressure to downshift in my career. How do we do this equitably?

I read it as OP would want to be home more/FIRE/downshift but wouldn't want that to affect her FI(RE?) plans.  Plans which become less relevant now that OP's boyfriend is bringing money to the relationship that would make her (also them?) FI.  And there could be pressure because while OP could lead the FIRE lifestyle with kids, she may not have achieved FIRE on her own, and so, what happens should divorce rear its ugly head?

I think her description of his job as "leisure" is because she sees it as something he gets lots of enjoyment out of, and thus the boyfriend is not aiming for FIRE.

[Saffron]

... the rest of the adulting paperwork, Wills, POA, etc. And then if kids then a trust and new adulting paperwork.

Just try to get on the same page as your BF. And go from there.

Good ideas!

Was the inheritance a recent event?

If yes, your boyfriend may still be getting used to the idea of a windfall. He will need time on his own to process, and figure out what he wants to do with this newfound wealth, especially since "he lives like a monk."

He also has to recalibrate his own goals and reassess his own priorities. Any conversation you have with him should ideally happen after he's had some time to think on his own.

And then you can frame the conversation in terms of how the two of you, as a team, can achieve your shared goals (career/kids/shared household).

What does "equitable" and "fair" mean to both of you, now that the inheritance has changed the power dynamics in the relationship?

This likely won't be just a single conversation over one weekend. It will be many conversations over a prolonged period, and you may discover your own priorities changing over time, as both of you get used to this newfound wealth.

This kind of discussion is what I came here for. Thank you. 

The bulk of the inheritance is from within the last year. I knew that it was happening, but grossly underestimated the magnitude. Boyfriend was already well established and had F*** you money to be able to do his current prfession.

I appreciate you suggesting that we try to get on same wavelength in making sure that our understandings of "fair" and "equitable" are truly the same. The power dynamic implications are scary; I've always been fiercely independent and that's a lot of why I'm here asking for guidance.

And yes, definitely more than one single conversation. I'm glad I have some thoughts to ruminate upon before we see each other this weekend.

> For now, I'm going to keep working like we're separate units, but when we get engaged/married I won't have that luxury

You consider it a luxury to manage two sets of finances in one household?

Having enough money to keep two sets of finances is certainly a luxury. My parents growing up barely had enough to fill one pot, let alone two. I more meant in my statement that once we're committed to one another, his wealth will effect me even if our finances are together or separated.

If he's the one with the "leisure" job it seems like he should be the one to downshift for kids.

There's a whole discussion of societal expectations and gender bs that could be a whole thread of it's own. And frankly, I don't know if I'd want to conform to those societal roles or not. But his NW disclosure may introduce some wrinkles I did not expect. 

If he's the one with the "leisure" job it seems like he should be the one to downshift for kids.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's a hard no from him.

I am curious, what is his "leisure job"? I am also looking for one lol

He's a novelist. It's his passion, but it is really is hard work. People are constantly critical of it and sometime books sell and other times they don't. Pay is irregular. It also comes with the benefit of no set hours, going out on random walks with doggo, hitting the gym, and occasionally cooking us dinner. It's fantastic.   

If I loved someone with all my heart and was ready to marry them, I would’ve had this conversation with my SO long before ever coming to a forum to ask.

I could see having the discussion with him, then coming here to ask advice/input/interpretation.. But why is there any hesitation to talk to him about these things at this point in your relationship?

I'm the type of person who likes to read the user manual before turning on the machine; you get like that when you've worked with billion dollar particle accelerators. One reason I came here to post is that there might be ideas or concepts that I should consider that I hadn't. There's a wealth of experience here and asking for outside opinions is always a great idea in gaining perspective.

[Lucky Recardito]

I don't have personal experiences here, but I do have a couple of friends who married into significant family wealth. For context, both friends are the female halves of heterosexual marriages (meaning the male half brought the money), so gender dynamics are at play. In both cases, the wealth was family wealth and was not earned/saved by the person himself.

There are a couple of things that have stood out to me over the years that I'll add to this conversation in case they are useful to you:

• Expect a pre-nup, and expect that to be a difficult process even if you're both on the same page and are really open and kind with each other. Both couples I know were able to negotiate this successfully, but there were some strange moments to navigate (like a frank discussion of how much the non-rich spouse would receive upon divorce based on # of years of marriage, # of kids, etc.) All logical and standard stuff, but difficult discussions to navigate. Expect that you and your partner will each have your own lawyer for pre-nup-wrangling, which can create the appearance of adversity, but my understanding is that this is standard so both parties' interests are fairly represented by a professional. In both cases I'm familiar with, the party with the $$ paid for both lawyers as a courtesy (since there would have been no need for said lawyer if they weren't so stinkin' rich).
• Family can be more of an issue. If your partner received their wealth via an inheritance, perhaps family is out of the picture -- but for both of my friends in this situation, the wealthy partner came with even wealthier parents. In both cases, those relationships are a little more fraught than they might be otherwise (the in-laws seem to have a more entitled attitude about what they expect in terms of visits, grandchild access, etc.) Totally navigable in both cases, and within the bounds of all the weirdness that in-laws bring in general, but for both couples I know it's a meaningful issue.
• It may be tougher to make sure that your expectations and contributions remain aligned. For one of my friends, the problem is with expectations: the spouse who brought $$ into the marriage feels entitled to buy more expensive stuff and make more decisions about their lives, sometimes unilaterally. For another friend, the "expectations" issue doesn't exist, but they struggle with keeping equal contributions -- meaning that my friend continues to slog through the job market and worry about earning power & career advancement (and health insurance for the family), while her spouse pursues a low-earning passion career. You may or may not find that one or both issues are present for you (sounds like maybe the latter?). And may not be a big deal either way, but just worth acknowledging the possibility, I think.

That's all I've got to offer... other than to note that both the marriages I mention above are stable, happy, and loving. Good luck to you!

[Tass]

I am in a situation semi-similar, semi-not, so I post both to share and to follow.

My partner and I are not married but talking about it, and he has roughly 5x the NW I do. However, it was all earned over the course of our relationship since we started dating in college, and we already live together and split expenses.

We currently have separate but similar budgets that we discuss regularly (ETA: and we plan to combine our finances in the future). My ideal child raising scenario would have both of us work part time at most, and he's open to down shifting.

I am hoping to graduate with a PhD this year, and my career is where this gets tricky for me. With as big an FI head start as my partner provides, should I feel freer to choose a job while disregarding the pay? Or is it more important than ever that I seek a higher income so I can "pull my weight" and allow him to downshift sooner? I'll certainly ask his opinion on those questions directly as I'm making the decision.

[rae09]

What's the reason you think you can't act like a separate unit anymore once you're married?

We keep our finances separate because we're used to it (dated for a long time before we married). No prenup since at that time, we didn't have much of our own earned money and no idea what we would get from our parents. Plus, I trust he won't steal my money and he knows me enough that I am more than capable to make my own than to fight him for his.

However, if I were in your position, I would offer to do a prenup first before he brings it up. It's a tough subject to raise and I'll try to make it easy for him by bringing it up first.

I would also disregard his inheritance and make my career choice as if I don't know anything about it. I hope it doesn't happen to you but I've seen too many divorces and family broken up because of money. And I've seen my parents struggle because they didn't have money.

You're young and you're on a great career path. My advise is to keep accumulating your NW and achieve FI on your own rather than include your BF's NW into the calculation and depends on it. Things can happen and heart can change. Don't count your chickens before they hatch.
And once you're married, make changes to adapt to your new situation but don't lose yourself in it.

[remizidae]

This is a case where, after a few years, you could easily end up getting used to having the safety net of his money and find it harder to leave as a result. Even if you intend to stay independent, even if you do a prenup which everyone should. So breaking up could be harder for you than for a couple with more equal assets.

So my advice would be to make extra sure you really want to get married and that you are on the same page about all the important things in life: money, kids, how much time to spend with each other’s families, the importance of sex, whether you want to be monogamous and what exactly that means. Everybody gives that advice but it’s so easy to shy away from the hard conversations.

[Adventine]

Was the inheritance a recent event?

If yes, your boyfriend may still be getting used to the idea of a windfall. He will need time on his own to process, and figure out what he wants to do with this newfound wealth, especially since "he lives like a monk."

He also has to recalibrate his own goals and reassess his own priorities. Any conversation you have with him should ideally happen after he's had some time to think on his own.

And then you can frame the conversation in terms of how the two of you, as a team, can achieve your shared goals (career/kids/shared household).

What does "equitable" and "fair" mean to both of you, now that the inheritance has changed the power dynamics in the relationship?

This likely won't be just a single conversation over one weekend. It will be many conversations over a prolonged period, and you may discover your own priorities changing over time, as both of you get used to this newfound wealth.

This kind of discussion is what I came here for. Thank you. 

The bulk of the inheritance is from within the last year. I knew that it was happening, but grossly underestimated the magnitude. Boyfriend was already well established and had F*** you money to be able to do his current prfession.

I appreciate you suggesting that we try to get on same wavelength in making sure that our understandings of "fair" and "equitable" are truly the same. The power dynamic implications are scary; I've always been fiercely independent and that's a lot of why I'm here asking for guidance.

And yes, definitely more than one single conversation. I'm glad I have some thoughts to ruminate upon before we see each other this weekend.

I understand the transition can be difficult. I advise you to take it slow and to give yourself and your partner as much time as both of you need.

To offer my own experience as another fiercely independent, self-supporting woman also headed towards marriage: it has been far more difficult than I expected to transition from "My money, my rules" to "Our money, our rules." For so long, I've been used to making financial decisions on my own, thinking only about my goals and my priorities. Having my own career and my own money has always meant my security, my freedom, my pride.

It's a transition I'm still going through, and I've had many conversations with my fiancé about it, over the past year and a half.

Here are some questions I've asked myself over the past year and a half. They may give you some more food for thought:

• How can I maintain my sense of independence and self-worth, when a great deal of that depends on my career and my ability to support myself? How do I define my self-worth, anyway?
• Are there long-term goals that I always wanted to achieve, but haven't been able to, because I had to focus on more immediate concerns, such as supporting myself? Are these goals aligned with my partner's long-term goals or not?
• How can I balance the emotional and financial integration implied by marriage with my own need for independence and personal agency?

Your answers don't have to be static, either.  They can be fluid, and change over time.

[Freedomin5]

DH and I are in this exact situation. My family is significantly more well off than his family. DH knew before marrying me that he should not expect my family’s wealth/inheritance to impact his financial decisions. If he had “pursued a more interesting / riskier job” (ie. Less well paying job) because he expected me to fund his lifestyle, I would have been pissed off because he is well educated and had a good job and could well afford to fund his own lifestyle. I wouldn’t want him to have the expectation that he could mooch off me.

When we had a kid, we talked about who should do the downshifting. It ended up with him downshifting because at the time I was the higher earner (had nothing to do with my inheritance). Later, he went back to work and I downshifted because I was burnt out. Again, the downshifting was based on circumstances at the time and not based on who had a higher net worth.

Finally, I don’t understand why you would make savings decisions based on his wealth. You make savings decisions as a couple based on what you want to achieve as a couple. His wealth has nothing to do with it.

For us, we just assumed we would not get a penny from my family and made decisions for us as a couple assuming that we were starting with a net worth of zero. Over the years, any financial boosts we got from my family were seen as bonus, not as a given right that we had to factor into our financial planning. Besides, my family made specific plans to protect our wealth and exclude him from accessing that wealth if he were no longer married to me (either through death or divorce). We specifically did that to keep his extended family members from potentially being able to access (and waste — they are terrible with finances) our wealth through him.

For you, I’d say you keep your current job. Keep your current savings. Don’t expect him to use his inheritance to provide for you. Make sure you have a way to continue providing for yourself. Along the way, you’ll find that you’ll get boosts because of his wealth and it will be easier (eg, maybe you’ll get to live in a nicer place or won’t have to pay rent, etc.), but don’t make your decisions because you expect these perks.

[Metalcat]

As another take to contrast to the one above, DH and I absolutely make career decisions based on each other's finances, which have never been anywhere close to even.

All of our resources are shared, pooled, and we each absolutely make career choices based on that.

I was briefly in a business arrangement that was set to net me millions quite quickly had it worked out, and I absolutely expected DH to leave his job and focus instead on only his meaningful side projects.

Likewise, I'm considering new career options and he often reminds me that he's got us covered and to do what I'll enjoy and not worry about what I make. I'm considering between very low and very high paying options, so that's not a small statement.

A wealthy retired friend is marrying a younger woman who doesn't love her executive government job, but she's tethered to it for another 18 years for her full pension. They fell in love traveling when she took a year off, and this is what he would ideally like his retirement to look like. He's offering to put aside money for the equivalent to her pension reduction if she wants to leave work and travel with him instead.

Our way isn't right, Freedom's isn't right, my friend's way isn't right, each of ours is right for our marriages, and what's right in one marriage might be horrifying to another marriage. That was the point I made above, what matters is how you two as a couple learn to handle any and all financial issues.

This money doesn't have to be the source of any degree of angst or conflict, as long as you two have exquisite communication. Focus on that part.

[StashingAway]

> For now, I'm going to keep working like we're separate units, but when we get engaged/married I won't have that luxury

You consider it a luxury to manage two sets of finances in one household?

Having enough money to keep two sets of finances is certainly a luxury. My parents growing up barely had enough to fill one pot, let alone two. I more meant in my statement that once we're committed to one another, his wealth will effect me even if our finances are together or separated.

I know what you're saying, that you are financially very fortunate.

This is somewhat philosophical, but would you rather be rich and worried about gender roles, rules, and money all the time or be poor and happy? Luxury is in the mindset as much as it is in absolute wealth.

In some ways, the poor 18 year old high school sweethearts have it better off because they build their wealth together so they never have to worry about what is "mine" and what is "ours". I do not envy your position. There is a lot to think about when you're 30 and already built separate lives from each other.

How sexist is your future fiance? How much do you think that he thinks gender expectations will result from the wealth disparity? Are you seeing any red flags about a perceived power dynamic, or is the worry all on your end? Is this purely about finances or is there more that you are worried about?

At the end of the day, good relationships work with personal sacrifice as well. I've moved for my wife's career. She quit her job to start her own company, and 5 years later is is paying off in many ways. She's working a job she loves, and is the bread winner now. My career was stable and lucrative, but not very fulfilling so I was happy to back off. I like cooking and cleaning anyway, so I take on a lot of the domestic chores and work an easy job. In our case, the teamwork aspects of running a household really pay off. But that may change again as I go back to school and perhaps get another job.

I'm not a counselor or anything, but what are your long term goals and long term concerns (power dynamic, etc.)? Maybe write them down and have him do the same and make sure that combining lives will work together. It may well end up being that you keep separate finances so that mentally you still feel self sufficient. I personally love the auxiliary benefits of combine finances aspect of marriage, but I understand that doesn't appeal to others.

[Metalcat]

> For now, I'm going to keep working like we're separate units, but when we get engaged/married I won't have that luxury

You consider it a luxury to manage two sets of finances in one household?

Having enough money to keep two sets of finances is certainly a luxury. My parents growing up barely had enough to fill one pot, let alone two. I more meant in my statement that once we're committed to one another, his wealth will effect me even if our finances are together or separated.

I know what you're saying, that you are financially very fortunate.

This is somewhat philosophical, but would you rather be rich and worried about gender roles, rules, and money all the time or be poor and happy? Luxury is in the mindset as much as it is in absolute wealth.

In some ways, the poor 18 year old high school sweethearts have it better off because they build their wealth together so they never have to worry about what is "mine" and what is "ours". I do not envy your position. There is a lot to think about when you're 30 and already built separate lives from each other.

How sexist is your future fiance? How much do you think that he thinks gender expectations will result from the wealth disparity? Are you seeing any red flags about a perceived power dynamic, or is the worry all on your end? Is this purely about finances or is there more that you are worried about?

At the end of the day, good relationships work with personal sacrifice as well. I've moved for my wife's career. She quit her job to start her own company, and 5 years later is is paying off in many ways. She's working a job she loves, and is the bread winner now. My career was stable and lucrative, but not very fulfilling so I was happy to back off. I like cooking and cleaning anyway, so I take on a lot of the domestic chores and work an easy job. In our case, the teamwork aspects of running a household really pay off. But that may change again as I go back to school and perhaps get another job.

I'm not a counselor or anything, but what are your long term goals and long term concerns (power dynamic, etc.)? Maybe write them down and have him do the same and make sure that combining lives will work together. It may well end up being that you keep separate finances so that mentally you still feel self sufficient. I personally love the auxiliary benefits of combine finances aspect of marriage, but I understand that doesn't appeal to others.

Perhaps I don't automatically perceive the pitfalls of this situation because it's not unusual in my circle for couples to have huge financial disparities. There are two types of couples in my world, those who have enormous discrepancies and those who have the same job and virtually identical incomes.

In my personal experience and in what I see among my friends and colleagues, those with wealth discrepancies don't have more financial conflict than those who don't. In fact, A LOT of the couples who make the same income have more conflict because they've been able to avoid talking about personal finance. The ones who have had to deal with it from day one are sometimes far more sophisticated in their financial discourse, and much more comfortable with handling disagreements.

I've seen many couples with similar incomes end up in huge financial conflict because they never talked about it because they never felt they had to, so when something happens like a job loss, or medical crisis, or debt crisis, or even just a home renovation, they don't have the skills to handle it.

I don't think it's fundamentally easier for the 18 year olds who build their wealth together. I don't even think it's easier for people who make the exact same amount. I think it's easier for people who have excellent communication skills and similar values and goals.

Yes gender roles and expectations play into it, of course they do, but that's the case no matter what the relationship or finances. At the end of the day, the couple either has what it takes to be aligned or they don't.

I've dated much wealthier men who treated me like a possession, and I've dated much wealthier men who didn't. I've also dated much poorer men who treated me like a possession, so it's not the money driving that attitude.

[StashingAway]

Perhaps I don't automatically perceive the pitfalls of this situation because it's not unusual in my circle for couples to have huge financial disparities. There are two types of couples in my world, those who have enormous discrepancies and those who have the same job and virtually identical incomes.

Perhaps I should have been more clear: I wasn't trying to say that OP is worse off (or better off) in her situation! The 18 year old example was just to throw a different perspective, not idolize any particular circumstance.

In a way I was trying to articulate what you did here. There is no "right way" as long as the couple is on the same page. Communicate long term goals, communicate worries (such as gender roles). Use this situation as a catalyst - either in the relationship or personally - to make sure you are pointed out in the right direction. If OP is seeing any red flags, best to work those out now. I am not saying she is, just that she brought it up so the worry is either intrinsic or extrinsic. What do they expect of each other?

OP is in good position here, and perhaps getting good ideas from others who are in similar situations. But the bottom line is that it takes communication with the (potential future) spouse to make it work. What works for others would destroy my marriage and vice versa. The one key ingredient in a reliable marriage is the communication part (which isn't happening on here).

[obstinate]

Your boyfriend would be wise to use a prenup that would set you up to vest into a fraction of the wealth (although probably never 50% -- at least, I wouldn't). If I were in his position I'd probably set it up so you get everything in the event of my death, 20% in the event of a divorce after ten years, and 10% more if you take time off your career for the kids. I don't know how much money we are talking about here. $1M vs $10M vs $100M.

When you're discussing the terms of the prenup, I'd say this would be a very reasonable thing to ask for. But a lawyer would be able to say more. I would not play hardball on this though.

[Metalcat]

Your boyfriend would be wise to use a prenup that would set you up to vest into a fraction of the wealth (although probably never 50% -- at least, I wouldn't). If I were in his position I'd probably set it up so you get everything in the event of my death, 20% in the event of a divorce after ten years, and 10% more if you take time off your career for the kids. I don't know how much money we are talking about here. $1M vs $10M vs $100M.

When you're discussing the terms of the prenup, I'd say this would be a very reasonable thing to ask for. But a lawyer would be able to say more. I would not play hardball on this though.

This could be a totally reasonable thing to ask or a deeply offensive thing to ask, depending on the couple.

[seattlecyclone]

Another thing to consider is if whoever left the inheritance expressed any particular wishes for the money. My wife and I came into our marriage with pretty similar net worth so we didn't bother with a prenup. Since then we've operated very much on the "shared pot of money" system even though my job pre-FIRE paid much more than hers. Her parents are rather wealthy and we do therefore expect a pretty significant inheritance sometime in the next couple decades (toward the latter end of that range, we all hope). The topic came up one time we went to visit my in-laws and my father-in-law expressed a desire that the money be kept in a separate account. He didn't explicitly say it was to protect it from me in case of a divorce, but of course that's the main reason you would do that and we all understood that. My wife wasn't too keen on the idea because all the money we've brought in since marriage has been shared, but you know what? I get it. I'm happy to honor their wishes in the matter and keep that pot of money in her name alone. Maybe when the time comes we agree to withdraw a good chunk of our living expenses from that account as long as we're together, but there's no way I'll be advocating to transfer the lump sum to our joint accounts.

In the end this is something you'll need to come to an agreement on between the two of you. Which money is "his," which money is "yours," and which money is "ours?" If he's going to expect you to give up progress in your career, he should be willing to put a bigger chunk of "his" money into the "ours" bucket so that you'll be made whole if the relationship fails. It may sound kind of nasty to view it in such a transactional light, but failure to do so will be very bad for you if you do divorce a few years after quitting your job...or worse, if you decide to stay in an unhappy relationship because you can't afford to leave.

• What about when we have kids? It would open more opportunity/pressure to downshift in my career. How do we do this equitably?

Is downshifting something you would actually want to do? If not, perhaps you ask for your partner to pay for a nanny out of the inheritance?

[Christof]

If I loved someone with all my heart and was ready to marry them, I would’ve had this conversation with my SO long before ever coming to a forum to ask.

I could see having the discussion with him, then coming here to ask advice/input/interpretation.. But why is there any hesitation to talk to him about these things at this point in your relationship?

I'm the type of person who likes to read the user manual before turning on the machine; you get like that when you've worked with billion dollar particle accelerators. One reason I came here to post is that there might be ideas or concepts that I should consider that I hadn't. There's a wealth of experience here and asking for outside opinions is always a great idea in gaining perspective.

Not contributing to what you should do, but I wanted to say that I really love your reply.

[obstinate]

Your boyfriend would be wise to use a prenup that would set you up to vest into a fraction of the wealth (although probably never 50% -- at least, I wouldn't). If I were in his position I'd probably set it up so you get everything in the event of my death, 20% in the event of a divorce after ten years, and 10% more if you take time off your career for the kids. I don't know how much money we are talking about here. $1M vs $10M vs $100M.

When you're discussing the terms of the prenup, I'd say this would be a very reasonable thing to ask for. But a lawyer would be able to say more. I would not play hardball on this though.

This could be a totally reasonable thing to ask or a deeply offensive thing to ask, depending on the couple.

It's a reasonable thing to ask no matter what. She should be able to have some certainty around how much wealth she is going to have available in the future, as that can affect her career planning and decisions about whether to stay home with the kids (if he did not want to make any concessions I would personally be reluctant to stay home with the kids as that would mean I would be falling behind on my personal financial situation). The weaker party in a negotiation needs to protect their downside. That being said, you are right that some unreasonable people could be offended by the request.

[Metalcat]

Your boyfriend would be wise to use a prenup that would set you up to vest into a fraction of the wealth (although probably never 50% -- at least, I wouldn't). If I were in his position I'd probably set it up so you get everything in the event of my death, 20% in the event of a divorce after ten years, and 10% more if you take time off your career for the kids. I don't know how much money we are talking about here. $1M vs $10M vs $100M.

When you're discussing the terms of the prenup, I'd say this would be a very reasonable thing to ask for. But a lawyer would be able to say more. I would not play hardball on this though.

This could be a totally reasonable thing to ask or a deeply offensive thing to ask, depending on the couple.

It's a reasonable thing to ask no matter what. She should be able to have some certainty around how much wealth she is going to have available in the future, as that can affect her career planning and decisions about whether to stay home with the kids (if he did not want to make any concessions I would personally be reluctant to stay home with the kids as that would mean I would be falling behind on my personal financial situation). The weaker party in a negotiation needs to protect their downside. That being said, you are right that some unreasonable people could be offended by the request.

I 100% disagree.

I've seen couples where an inheritance is kept completely separate from marital finances through a prenup, and where that was not at all an unreasonable thing to agree to.

It *depends* on the couple, their priorities, and the circumstances.

I would NEVER just outright demand that I'm entitled to 20% of someone's inheritance for staying married for 10 years. I could absolutely see someone finding that demand unreasonable. In fact, I would find any demand unreasonable.

I think each couple would have to talk through their values, priorities, and come to an agreement together. If I had an inheritance and my not-yet-husband just outright demanded to be entitled to part of it, there wouldn't be a wedding. 

[obstinate]

I didn't say demand, I said request.

[Metalcat]

I didn't say demand, I said request.

Fair enough, but I still totally disagree with you.

[obstinate]

If I were the inheritor I would give it for my own sake. If I had multiple times my fi number, I'd want my partner to feel free to do what she wants, and to be as free from stress as possible. Putting 20% at risk in a decade hardly matters to my well-being. On the other hand, I wouldn't want to make it available immediately, because you never really know what's going to happen.

[Metalcat]

If I were the inheritor I would give it for my own sake. If I had multiple times my fi number, I'd want my partner to feel free to do what she wants, and to be as free from stress as possible. Putting 20% at risk in a decade hardly matters to my well-being. On the other hand, I wouldn't want to make it available immediately, because you never really know what's going to happen.

If it were me and DH, I would do 50/50, no question, even before we got married.

My point wasn't that your arbitrary percentages were unreasonable, but that it depends on the relationship and circumstances if they're unreasonable. Relationships and personal finance are highly individual and subject to A LOT of personal factors.

I'm simply disagreeing that any of us can make those kinds of recommendations based on knowing practically nothing about two strangers and their finances.

None of us know what's right for these two people.

[obstinate]

We can say with certainty that being the poorer partner in that relationship and relying on money to which you are not and will not be legally entitled is very risky. That is not a fact that depends on a particular relationship or the people in it.

Tbh, I think most decent people will not have a very negative reaction to this request, contextualized appropriately in a mature discussion. I'd almost go so far as to say it would be a yellow flag if someone did have a negative reaction to a proposal like that.

[MilesTeg]

My long term boyfriend recently disclosed to me that he has a higher net worth that I ever imagined after receiving an inheritance.  We've been talking about getting engaged soon and I'm just a little taken aback by the NW disclosure. If we combine finances when we get married I'd find myself suddenly FI a few times over. Does anyone have any experience with having a partner with such a disparate difference in NW?

A little detail about both of us:

We both live pretty modestly. I'm a ~30F engineering professional. I've been working towards FI since about 2017, about when I hit zero NW after paying off student loans and whatnot. I hit $100K NW in 2019 and am on track to hit $250K NW this year. I had hoped hit coast fi in 2-3 years and FI in 10. I'm pretty darn frugal, have a paid off car and rent a small house, with an annual spend of altogether of ~$45K. He is a few years older than me and has what many would describe as a leisure job. He lives like a monk, has a small condo, and his biggest excess is having his dream car (a used, midrange sportscar).

I know I need to sit down an talk with him about this, but I want to get my thoughts in order before we have a deep conversation.  For now, I'm going to keep working like we're seprate units, but when we get engaged/married I won't have that luxury.

Some of my concerns:

• How will this effect my career? I could potentially pursue more interesting/risky jobs without money being motivating factor. I like, but don't love my current job.
• What about when we have kids? It would open more opportunity/pressure to downshift in my career. How do we do this equitably?
• I don't want or expect it, and I love him with all my heart, but divorce is a real possibility. What would a fair Prenup look like, especially when I might make career and savings descisions based upon his wealth?

What have I missed? I'm expecting to have a deeper conversation about implications this weekend. This life stuff is scary and exciting.

Mostly you need to be on the same page with him, no matter what you do, and have it figured out while things are good. That way, if things go bad it's less of a nightmare.

[Metalcat]

We can say with certainty that being the poorer partner in that relationship and relying on money to which you are not and will not be legally entitled is very risky. That is not a fact that depends on a particular relationship or the people in it.

Tbh, I think most decent people will not have a very negative reaction to this request, contextualized appropriately in a mature discussion. I'd almost go so far as to say it would be a yellow flag if someone did have a negative reaction to a proposal like that.

We're arguing totally different things, agree to disagree.

[obstinate]

OP, to answer your question directly, I would personally think people could have very different definitions of fair in a prenup. Start by finding out what he'd like to do as a default. If he says 50/50 split vesting immediately, that's fine. You should probably have a prenup to that effect tho because in many states inheritances and preexisting wealth default to non-communal property.

If he doesn't want to do 50/50 right away, ask him what he'd like to do. Consider whether what he's offering would give you the freedom to pursue these different career options or have the flexibility that lots of money can offer. For example, if he has $100M and his idea is for you to get 1% per year up to 20% as a limit, then maybe that is sufficiently super rich that you can just say that is fine with you. If you keep your frugal mindset, then it really should be.

On the other hand, if he wants to give you less than that, you might want to have a discussion about how this will limit your options during marriage. For example, if he gives you nothing, you may need to work hard and save for retirement, not fuck off to Hawaii for a week with him on a whim. You might have to work long hours or take a less fulfilling job. You might not be able to stay home with the kids. Because although we always love each other going into a marriage, even the best laid plans sometimes fail.

If after that discussion he still does not want to promise anything, I would personally be concerned by that. It does not seem like a big ask if he's as rich as you're describing. Personally, I don't like putting my wife in situations where she has to trust me. It's great when she does but it's better when she has the security to verify things with her own senses. In the same way, I'm glad our property is shared because I make more than twice what she does and it would be a lot less fun if we didn't split everything half and half.

Hope this helps.

[charis]

I personally would be fine with comingling any windfall with my spouse, including an inheritance. But we started with nothing and operate as one unit financially, so everything we have is shared. If we were already established in our careers and one of us had received an inheritance before getting married it might be different. But in my mind, once kids are involved, it wouldn't be fair to hoard resources away from the family unit.

[big_owl]

I make about 180k/yr and my wife makes about 10x that much annually.  Our situation is somewhat different in that we both married when we were making identical salaries and neither of us has any sort of inherited money. 

When my wife started making a shit ton of money we actually got a postnup where she keeps 65% of the money in case of divorce.  It was important to her to make sure she never got screwed over for some reason if things went south and I really didn't mind because 35% is still a ton of money after you've been making millions for quite a few years.  She treats me well lol, for Christmas this year I got a 2021 Acura NSX, so I'm fine with the arrangement. 

[Saffron]

I chatted with my partner briefly on this topic last night. The main thing that I brought up is that I'm feeling a bit shocked learning about his level of wealth. I was clear that I understand it's his money, and I absolutely don't want to be a mooch. We talked about how power dynamics could shift and how I'm concerned that we could make decisions effecting my career that would slow my progress toward FI. We briefly touched on wanting prenups as an abstract concept. It was a productive starter conversation and we went to get takeout pizza from our favorite restaurant afterward.

Malcat and Obstinate, both of your viewpoints have been appreciated with regard to prenups.  I guess my main concern is that I don't want to make work or child-rearing decisions dependent on his wealth and also not make it to my FI goal by 2030 if we end up divorcing any time along the way. I think for now I'll continue to discuss with him my emotions and concerns and we'll work towards an understanding. I'm more confident now that I won't walk into that conversation eventually with ill-conceived ideas.

Is downshifting something you would actually want to do? If not, perhaps you ask for your partner to pay for a nanny out of the inheritance?

I had been thinking pretty hard about what downshifting means to me in the "What do you want your post-FI life to look like?" thread from a couple months back. It has always in my game plan to downshift in some sense once I reached FI in the 2030 timeframe. I had put together some vague notions that had me going from fulltime work, to part time work and pursuing some things that I just don't have the time, mental bandwidth, or energy for currently. To your second question, considering my age 2030 means kids before my projected FI date. I had kind of factored some form of childcare into "the plan".

[obstinate]

I'm glad to hear that the discussion went well. I don't think this needs to be a high stress, high pressure conversation, at least if you are both agreeable people, and you sound like you are. Good luck with the rest of your courtship and on into the future.

[Padonak]

I'm glad to hear that the discussion went well. I don't think this needs to be a high stress, high pressure conversation, at least if you are both agreeable people, and you sound like you are. Good luck with the rest of your courtship and on into the future.

A high stress, high pressure conversion is not an option.

If i were rich and someone tried to have a high stress and high pressure conversion, i would tell them to fuck off right there on the spot. That's the whole point of being rich.

[Adventine]

I'm glad to hear that the discussion went well. I don't think this needs to be a high stress, high pressure conversation, at least if you are both agreeable people, and you sound like you are. Good luck with the rest of your courtship and on into the future.

A high stress, high pressure conversion is not an option.

If i were rich and someone tried to have a high stress and high pressure conversion, i would tell them to fuck off right there on the spot. That's the whole point of being rich.

Not sure why you thought that was called for, in the context of this thread, when OP @Saffron has made it clear that she wants to have a thoughtful and considered conversation with her boyfriend about something that affects their future plans as a couple.

Now, if it was a newly dating couple and one of them tried to use high pressure tactics to convince the richer partner to financially support them? Sure, "fuck off" is an appropriate response.

But OP and her partner have been together for years, they're already talking about marriage, and as individuals, they are both financially in a good place. And clearly, she didn't try to force the conversation.

[tj]

The biggest thing is to not let the money go to your head and be the same person that your partner fell in love with.  I know someone who married into money and basically demanded to travel by private jet or she wasn't going to go on the vacations with her husband's family, which seems a little ridiculous since they would be fine traveling on planes with the public, but of course they appeased her, I suppose it's rounding error in their wealth, but can you even imagine being a fly on the wall for such a conversation?

Definitely have conversations with your partner about shared financial and life goals, but you should be having those conversations about what those things are even if he didn't inherit anything.


For me, I guess it depends on the numbers, but if i really love the person, I'd go all in. if I get married, I'm putting effort into that marriage being the only marriage because I don't consider divorce to be some do-over easy button.

Certainly I'd do my research on my state's divorce laws and communicate with my partner and determine if the default prenup language is acceptable to us or not, but if I were  to inherit multi-millions which enabled my partner and I to start living the FIRE'd life immediately, why wait until 2030 to start living that life together?

[iris lily]

OP, this is a very interesting situation.

I guess I would tell you what my mother would tell you: you should always be self-sufficient.To me, that means that in the eyes of the law this money that belongs to your boyfriend will belong to your boyfriend always.

If you are on track to retire when you’re about 40, that is lovely. That is really great!!!. If children come into the picture seems like with all of your joint assets somebody can stay home with them.  So if it’s you, and you give up your professional trajectory, you had better get some firm compensation from your boyfriend’s stash for that. This protects you as a single person and keeps you financially self-sufficient.


Underlying assumption here is that if you step out of the working world for 5+ years from the engineering field, that does a number on your ability to earn if you want to jump back in to the field.