Author Topic: Implications of marrying a high NW partner  (Read 5291 times)


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Re: Implications of marrying a high NW partner
« Reply #50 on: January 11, 2021, 10:48:12 AM »
I'm glad to hear that the discussion went well. I don't think this needs to be a high stress, high pressure conversation, at least if you are both agreeable people, and you sound like you are. Good luck with the rest of your courtship and on into the future.
A high stress, high pressure conversion is not an option.

If i were rich and someone tried to have a high stress and high pressure conversion, i would tell them to fuck off right there on the spot. That's the whole point of being rich.

Not sure why you thought that was called for, in the context of this thread, when OP @Saffron has made it clear that she wants to have a thoughtful and considered conversation with her boyfriend about something that affects their future plans as a couple.

Now, if it was a newly dating couple and one of them tried to use high pressure tactics to convince the richer partner to financially support them? Sure, "fuck off" is an appropriate response.

But OP and her partner have been together for years, they're already talking about marriage, and as individuals, they are both financially in a good place. And clearly, she didn't try to force the conversation.

Yes I'm sure the OP knows better.

My attitude is If my partner tries to use high pressure, high stress tactics on me, it's game over. Maybe that's why I'm still single.

iris lily

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Re: Implications of marrying a high NW partner
« Reply #51 on: January 11, 2021, 11:02:00 AM »
... the rest of the adulting paperwork, Wills, POA, etc. And then if kids then a trust and new adulting paperwork.

Just try to get on the same page as your BF. And go from there.

Good ideas!

Was the inheritance a recent event?

If yes, your boyfriend may still be getting used to the idea of a windfall. He will need time on his own to process, and figure out what he wants to do with this newfound wealth, especially since "he lives like a monk."

He also has to recalibrate his own goals and reassess his own priorities. Any conversation you have with him should ideally happen after he's had some time to think on his own.

And then you can frame the conversation in terms of how the two of you, as a team, can achieve your shared goals (career/kids/shared household).

What does "equitable" and "fair" mean to both of you, now that the inheritance has changed the power dynamics in the relationship?

This likely won't be just a single conversation over one weekend. It will be many conversations over a prolonged period, and you may discover your own priorities changing over time, as both of you get used to this newfound wealth.

This kind of discussion is what I came here for. Thank you. 

The bulk of the inheritance is from within the last year. I knew that it was happening, but grossly underestimated the magnitude. Boyfriend was already well established and had F*** you money to be able to do his current prfession.

I appreciate you suggesting that we try to get on same wavelength in making sure that our understandings of "fair" and "equitable" are truly the same. The power dynamic implications are scary; I've always been fiercely independent and that's a lot of why I'm here asking for guidance.

And yes, definitely more than one single conversation. I'm glad I have some thoughts to ruminate upon before we see each other this weekend.

> For now, I'm going to keep working like we're separate units, but when we get engaged/married I won't have that luxury

You consider it a luxury to manage two sets of finances in one household?

Having enough money to keep two sets of finances is certainly a luxury. My parents growing up barely had enough to fill one pot, let alone two. I more meant in my statement that once we're committed to one another, his wealth will effect me even if our finances are together or separated.

If he's the one with the "leisure" job it seems like he should be the one to downshift for kids.

There's a whole discussion of societal expectations and gender bs that could be a whole thread of it's own. And frankly, I don't know if I'd want to conform to those societal roles or not. But his NW disclosure may introduce some wrinkles I did not expect. 

If he's the one with the "leisure" job it seems like he should be the one to downshift for kids.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's a hard no from him.

I am curious, what is his "leisure job"? I am also looking for one lol

He's a novelist. It's his passion, but it is really is hard work. People are constantly critical of it and sometime books sell and other times they don't. Pay is irregular. It also comes with the benefit of no set hours, going out on random walks with doggo, hitting the gym, and occasionally cooking us dinner. It's fantastic.   

If I loved someone with all my heart and was ready to marry them, I would’ve had this conversation with my SO long before ever coming to a forum to ask.

I could see having the discussion with him, then coming here to ask advice/input/interpretation.. But why is there any hesitation to talk to him about these things at this point in your relationship?

I'm the type of person who likes to read the user manual before turning on the machine; you get like that when you've worked with billion dollar particle accelerators. One reason I came here to post is that there might be ideas or concepts that I should consider that I hadn't. There's a wealth of experience here and asking for outside opinions is always a great idea in gaining perspective.

Your response is so smart! Good for you, you are working through the issues necessary to have a successful partnership.

 One reason why he may be attracted to you is that you are sensible about money.

When I married DH decades ago, I had $15,000 net worth and he had more than $100,000 net worth. But that is not FI money,that’s just a nice chunk of change.
« Last Edit: January 11, 2021, 11:21:36 AM by iris lily »

Captain FIRE

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Re: Implications of marrying a high NW partner
« Reply #52 on: January 11, 2021, 11:42:57 AM »
I'm glad the conversation went well and I hope it's the start of many so you can fully delve into the topic.  It's great that you are taking a thoughtful approach to this unexpected news rather than wearing rose glasses (and either assuming the money will be yours or that it won't affect you at all).  The stories above about the wealthy one wanting to spend more or wealthy in-law expectations are very illuminating.  Talk as much as you can about how you'll handle things, such as vacations or home repairs/renovations.

For one more prenup story, a friend of a friend got married to someone with a well-known family business.  They dated for many years beforehand, during which she supported him financially through some failed business ventures.  He presented her a last minute prenup within weeks of the wedding (but not so close as to definitely trigger legal issues regarding consent), which really pressured her to sign quickly.  However, he just threw up his hands when she wanted to negotiate any of it, saying that the family attorney drafted it and he wasn't responsible for it.  It didn't even seem as if he had read it.  What was the egregious request she was making?  They wanted a bunch of kids and for her to stay home with him - he was *very* traditional.  She had healthcare concerns, which she was worried that pregnancy might exacerbate.  She requested that he commit to covering her healthcare for a limited time (~1-2 years, I don't remember) if she quit her job to raise kids, as it would likely take her time to get a new job afterwards. This is pre-ACA days.  Note that she was not even asking for compensation for lost earnings, promotions, retirement savings, etc.  He refused, citing the family wouldn't let him change the prenup.  My friend suggested to her that if she signed as is, at the very least she get a postnup before quitting her job.  She married him anyways.  At his behest, she quit her job - without a postnup.  In a short time (I don't recall exactly) they got divorced.  Luckily, her job loved her and hadn't yet filled her position, so they happily took her back and she didn't have issues getting healthcare coverage.

So...the moral I take away from this is that you should have these conversations early. If both parties aren't willing to look out for each other when things are at their best, they are unlikely to do so when things have broken down. To look out for him, you can offer a prenup.  Hopefully he will be reasonable as to what he offers to look out for you, if your choices as a family negatively impact your wealth-building and independence.  But also be kind that he may not know how he feels or will handle the money if it is new to him and it may evolve over time.

And as to the ~20% for 10 years idea, I've always hated those cliffs because you read about all the news stories where people divorce 10 days after the cliff.  If you go that route, perhaps something more graduated so there is nothing enticing you to stay for a specific time (e.g. a % each year staying home with kids)?  Presumably he doesn't want you to stay married simply for the money either.


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Re: Implications of marrying a high NW partner
« Reply #53 on: January 11, 2021, 07:53:07 PM »
Yeah, sorry if I was unclear, but when I said 20% after ten years I didn't mean that there should be a cliff. Cliffs are dumb. I'd do 2% per year or something, up to 20%.