Author Topic: I want a pre-nup but girlfriend does not  (Read 15847 times)

Hula Hoop

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Re: I want a pre-nup but girlfriend does not
« Reply #150 on: May 03, 2020, 02:40:18 PM »
I totally get you donít want to give up your fire plans, been a dream of yours, I share your dream.
But chances are this is going to impact your Fire plans dramatically. You have to decide if you are OK with that.

Just my 2 cents, but I would decide what I want and if it is to stay and have a kid or two, get married for gods sake then you donít have to worried  what is mine and hers, this was a relief to me when I got married, I started  with more but then my spouse really hit a big promotion and now earns much more than me.

I agree with this.  I've always been the higher earning spouse and currently I'm the only breadwinner for our family as my husband has lost his business due to Covid.  I also came into the marriage with a lot more assets due to my higher earning career and mustachianness (my husband is very frugal but he is also a low earner).  However, to me, the only way to raise children in a relationship is to join finances and form a financial unit.  I know that you don't want to get married but you are essentially getting married if you have a child together.  In that situation, you are no longer just one independent person - you're a family unit through thick and thin.  One of you might get sick or lose his/her job, the child could be disabled, you could have quadruplets.  The important thing, when you form a family unit, is that you and your spouse have eachothers' backs - both practically and financially. 

If you continue to think of yourself as a separate financial unit, this is a recipe for disaster.  I've seen friends of mine fall victim to financial abuse from a higher earning spouse who denigrates traditional "women's work" and uses finances to punish the lower earning spouse (usually a wife), I've seen one spouse lose his job and have to be supported by the other.  I, like a lot of my female friends, have suffered from the bias against mothers in the workplace - missing out on a promotion because I was pregnant and not being given work that involved travel because I was a mother.  But the whole point of marriage/partnership is that you are now a financial unit so you make it work and get by on what you have.  Both partners have to agree, of course, but you do what's best for the child(ren) and pool your finances.
I agree with this: what you are describing is a couple that works as a team, and it is that team effort that gets you through child-rearing.  The problem as I see it is that there is nothing either in this thread or the one picked up on by Frankie's Girl which suggests that OP and his girlfriend are a team or are capable at any point in the future of acting as a team.

Eeek - I hadn't read Frankie's Girl's post when I wrote this.  If this is the same person as in that previous post, those two should break up and never look back.  DO NOT HAVE A CHILD and please break up and move on.

researcher1

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Re: I want a pre-nup but girlfriend does not
« Reply #151 on: May 08, 2020, 10:24:39 AM »
my GF and I have been together over 10 years now. It's been an up and down relationship.
yes she's nearing the end of her biological clock, which is prompting this urgency.
She wants a child and I've been delaying and delaying.

I'm considering walking if she won't sign an agreementÖ

She is a beautiful person with a huge heart. I'm lucky to be with her, even considering our struggles.
Yes I can be self centred and selfish.
Part of my problem is I dislike change. VERY often I resist change.
If you care for your girlfriend as much as you say you do, then you need to let her go.
That is the most compassionate and loving thing you could do for her at this point.

She has very clear goals for her life, which is to have kids and not obsess over every what-if in life.
She's lost a decade of her child-bearing years with you, as you've admittedly been "delaying and delaying" this juncture in your relationship.  It is not fair to maintain your game plan of 'running out the clock'.

And given what you have posted, you are clearly not prepared to provide her with the emotional/monetary/supportive needs required for a healthy functioning family environment.  Having a child under your current mindset would be a disaster for everyone involved.

Do both of you a favor and go your separate ways.  You will both be happier in the end.
You might even find someone that elicits the fire/spark that your current relationship lacks.

I was in your shoes before I met my wife...I wasted many years of my then-girlfriend's life, going through the motions with a status-quo ambivalence towards the relationship, largely ignoring her wants/needs.  She finally wised up and left...which was the best thing for both of us.  I ended up with an amazing wife with 2 beautiful kids.  She got married and had kid(s) as well, and I hope she's as happy as I am.

electriceagle

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Re: I want a pre-nup but girlfriend does not
« Reply #152 on: May 09, 2020, 10:06:58 PM »
Sounds like a disaster.

She should contact a sperm donation company and order what she wants with the expectation of being a single parent. You can stay with her or not, but with both of you knowing that you may have a no-fault break-up-and-move-on.

This would be a more honest way of reaching the same outcome.

Cassie

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Re: I want a pre-nup but girlfriend does not
« Reply #153 on: May 13, 2020, 11:09:55 PM »
Studies have shown in long term relationships when things get stalled one person knows itís not right. If that person breaks it off both move on fairly quickly and are happier. At some level the relationship isnít working. This actually happened with my oldest son.

Rosy

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Re: I want a pre-nup but girlfriend does not
« Reply #154 on: May 14, 2020, 11:24:56 AM »
my GF and I have been together over 10 years now. It's been an up and down relationship.
yes she's nearing the end of her biological clock, which is prompting this urgency.
She wants a child and I've been delaying and delaying.

I'm considering walking if she won't sign an agreementÖ

She is a beautiful person with a huge heart. I'm lucky to be with her, even considering our struggles.
Yes I can be self centred and selfish.
Part of my problem is I dislike change. VERY often I resist change.

If you care for your girlfriend as much as you say you do, then you need to let her go.
That is the most compassionate and loving thing you could do for her at this point.

She has very clear goals for her life, which is to have kids and not obsess over every what-if in life.
She's lost a decade of her child-bearing years with you, as you've admittedly been "delaying and delaying" this juncture in your relationship.  It is not fair to maintain your game plan of 'running out the clock'.

And given what you have posted, you are clearly not prepared to provide her with the emotional/monetary/supportive needs required for a healthy functioning family environment.  Having a child under your current mindset would be a disaster for everyone involved.

Do both of you a favor and go your separate ways.  You will both be happier in the end.
You might even find someone that elicits the fire/spark that your current relationship lacks.


I was in your shoes before I met my wife...I wasted many years of my then-girlfriend's life, going through the motions with a status-quo ambivalence towards the relationship, largely ignoring her wants/needs.  She finally wised up and left...which was the best thing for both of us.  I ended up with an amazing wife with 2 beautiful kids.  She got married and had kid(s) as well, and I hope she's as happy as I am.

Well said - and I can tell you based on my long life experience that this will be the best route for both of you.
It isn't unusual to find the "right" partner rather quickly - after a long relationship that both partners knew was going nowhere.
Don't deny yourselves the opportunity to find happiness in a new life - more suited to who you are at your core.

You have set each other ultimatums.
You want a financial agreement or as you said you are ready to walk away. If all you can see is your finances then go ahead - split.
Don't bother with agonizing over whether your decision might be purely selfish - it is and it isn't.
Selfish? - not necessarily, you know what you want out of life and insist on having it.
Trouble is, other people have goals too and know what they want out of life - and deserve to be happy just as much as you do.

This isn't a "he is right and she is wrong" situation - it is a final turning point in your relationship.

You must be very young and immature to think that you can control what happens in your life in the future.
If you lost your job tomorrow, would she be there with financial support if you needed it - left, right and center?
If you got Covid tomorrow and were left with a debilitating collateral damage heart, kidney or stroke condition for the rest of your life - would she be there for you?
Those are the questions to ask!

Not this financial crap, imho unless you've got millions this is just an excuse, because you already know how she feels about this matter.
Are you really scared out of your wits over her potentially walking away with 70% of your assets?
Are you really so inept and incapable - that you are frozen in fear over money? that you don't trust yourself to overcome a financial crisis?
Yes, I heard you say several times that you are risk-averse and don't do well with change.
Well, grow up - life itself is change. It certainly does not consist on focusing solely on FIRE and nothing else.

Planning your financial life is a good thing, but for heaven's sake don't confuse your future plans with "reality".
Just because you planned it doesn't mean it will happen - ever.
You are willing to give up a loving woman that you've spent ten years of your life with because your crystal ball tells you that it might not end well.

I guaranty you that if she was the right partner, you might hiccup a bit, but in the end, you'd agree, because more than anything you would want her in your life.
That's called having a loving relationship with someone you truly want to spend the rest of your life with - come what may!

What this tells me is that basically you have made your decision and are simply procrastinating every possible way. STOP - ten years is enough!
Admit that you just want your cake and eat it too:).

Get over yourself and do her a final, true kindness - let her go, while she can still have children and build a life with someone else who appreciates and loves her more than you "can".
Go on, find the guts to look for someone who is fully on board with your own life plans. I'd go on to say, a woman who also does not want children, there are plenty out there) - but - I'll tell you a secret, based once again on my life experiences - with the right woman, it is entirely possible that you find yourself wanting children. I've seen it happen, many times.

The one who has truly risked more in this relationship isn't you but her - she probably thought you'd come around to wanting children with her.
It is a huge honor to be loved so much that she wants you as the father of her children - yet all you can see is $$$.
You are not in alignment where it counts the most - money and children.
 
If she is smart, she'll see the light and move on - so you don't have to "officially" make a decision after all.
Remember not making a decision, is also a decision:).
It is OK to move on if you think the time has come to say, "Thank you for ten wonderful years, but I think it is time to go".
I wish you both the best.

 

maisymouser

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Re: I want a pre-nup but girlfriend does not
« Reply #155 on: May 22, 2020, 12:47:11 PM »
So, @Garrett B. ? Where did you end up?

ysette9

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Re: I want a pre-nup but girlfriend does not
« Reply #156 on: May 22, 2020, 02:35:39 PM »
So, @Garrett B. ? Where did you end up?
Yes, we would love an update