Would the following be a good summary of your challenges?
1) Because you live in a HCOL area, your savings rate is low and your FIRE number is high.
2) Because you live in a HCOL area, transportation and housing costs make it cost prohibitive to move in with your SO, a move that would help both of you increase your savings rates.
3) Because you live in a HCOL area, it is unclear how you can accomplish life objectives such as kids while having a high-pressure job and a multi-hour daily commute.
You see the common denominator? I know you might like the NYC area, but at some point having control of your own life (the point of FIRE) is more important than a specific apartment, job, lifestyle, or climate. It’s your choice to make, but here’s how to make it an informed choice rather than just accepting your defaults:
First, go to one of the dozens of sites that compares cost of living across cities. Estimate your COL in places like Kansas City, Oklahoma City, or Indianapolis. Gaze at these numbers in astonishment.
Next, go to salary.com to see how much you could earn in those places. Shockingly low, I know, but bear with me.
Third, do the math on the difference between salary and COL. Note the difference is WIDER in these smaller LCOL cities. That translates into less time until FIRE - several years of your life back just like that. Plus, lower housing costs and smaller cities mean you and the SO can choose to live closer to work in a wide variety of arrangements. Saving time and building equity become real options.
Fourth, calculate your new, reduced FIRE number in these cities. You might be shocked to discover how close you already are. Example: My family of 3 spends less than $60k per year, owns our 3BR home, has a 10-15 minute commute to downtown, and is socking it away at about a 50-60% savings rate, rapidly nearing our roughly $1.3M FIRE number. Build out a budget if that adds confidence.
All this adds up to the easy way to resolve the above 3 challenges. The hard way is your status quo.