Author Topic: I reject my mom's offer to buy a car, and i feel bereft  (Read 2862 times)

thatbrowncat

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I reject my mom's offer to buy a car, and i feel bereft
« on: November 03, 2015, 06:58:05 AM »
I'll try to get to the point:

Mother asks me whether she should buy the car, a hyundai eon, for me. It's currently priced at roughly 440K philippine pesos due to a promo.

Her reasons for buying me a car? She wants me to learn how to drive. Hopefully, those skills will benefit me in the future.
My sister who's based in Hawaii took driving lessons there. That's where my mom got the idea.

I told her no, for the nth time. That was when she told me that my pessimism was rearing its ugly head. If i kept doing what i was doing, i could never afford what i want. She kept repeating her reasons, and told me i got good with my bike because i always rode it. If i got good with my bike, i would get good with my car. She then told me it would be an asset, and she would place it under my name. I answered i didnt want a liability. She had already given me two liabilities (a health insurance and monthly postpaid plan) that she bought for me. Because i felt embarrassed that i was a 20 year old, i told her i would pay for it. I still am. I have 2 more years to go.
I actually blew and told her that it was fine of she wanted to purchase the car. But i wasn't going to pay for it, nor use it, nor pay fuel for it. She paid for the car, so it's hers.

She finally told me that she was buying the car for me, but if i wasn't interested in it, then she won't buy it anymore.

I won, but strangely, i feel bereft. I don't know why.

You see, i know my mom has a bunch of outstanding credit card debt. I also know she failed to pay for her monthly health card insurance. I know how much her take home pay is. I also know how she hid the fact from me that she was financially struggling to allow me to finish my 4th year in college. It was after that incident that i became frugal. That i decided to become financially literate.

I want to buy a car, yes. I want it. But i don't need it right now. It's not my priority. My priority is to eliminate my debt. Establish my 3 month emergency fund. Give my tithes. Invest  1/3 of my monthly salary in stocks. Spend money on what makes me happy (it happens to be making art, or creating stuff).  When i buy a car, i want to pay it full cold hard cash. I dont want to pay monthly installments for it. When my mom told me she wanted to buy a car, i immediately thought of MMM. How unmustaschian.

Another reason why i dont want the car is what i learned from being a mustachian. Remember the hedonic adaptation? Yeah, mom and i will be happy... for awhile hedonic adaptation will set in and all we'll be left is a cute & shiny depreciating car, with a monthly payment we have to pay for xxx years.

I love my mom. But i feel bereft. One reason i think she's trying to push the car on me, is to alleviate her guilty feelings. You see, a couple of months ago, i had an admirer who texted me. I never replied. Mom urged me to respond to the text. So i developed feelings for the guy. However, this month, the guy had to be reassigned in another area (he's a police official). The guy told me he would stop communicating with me (which he did). It broke my heart (i'vr recovered). I think my mom feels guilty because she was the one who pushed me to the guy.
 
Or maybe i feel bereft because the car is for sale on a promo???

... and that's one lengthy post. I just wanted to share it. Any discussion...any opinion is highly appreciated.

dramaman

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Re: I reject my mom's offer to buy a car, and i feel bereft
« Reply #1 on: November 03, 2015, 07:37:20 AM »
I think you did the right thing. It seems to me that this is more than just preventing your mom from purchasing a car that she really can't afford and that you do not want right now. This is also about your needing to be independent and have more control over your life and her giving up control. That's not always easy for a parent and child. Perhaps part of the reason you are feeling badly is that you love your mom and you did not like having to hurt her feelings. I've had similar experiences and it is just part of the changing dynamics of a parent-child relationship as your relationship becomes more adult-to-adult.

takeahike

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Re: I reject my mom's offer to buy a car, and i feel bereft
« Reply #2 on: November 03, 2015, 10:26:52 AM »
Good job on resisting the temptation. You would immediately regret the purchase. Hedonic adaptation is real. :D

Kris

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Re: I reject my mom's offer to buy a car, and i feel bereft
« Reply #3 on: November 03, 2015, 10:58:30 AM »
This seems to also have something to do with your mother being very invested in you having the kind of lifestyle, values towards money and possessions, and making the same kinds of decisions as she does.  But given that she is apparently bad at these kinds of decisions, her example is not at all something to emulate.

You did the right thing.  If you had caved in, the next time she tried to force something on you, she would have pushed even harder, because she would have the memory of this.  She would think that all she needed to do was keep pushing and eventually you would give in to what she wanted.  People are a lot like pets in some ways, in that you "train" them by how you react to their behaviors. 

Retire-Canada

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Re: I reject my mom's offer to buy a car, and i feel bereft
« Reply #4 on: November 03, 2015, 01:29:16 PM »
. Any discussion...any opinion is highly appreciated.

My dad tried to pay for my university education. I joined the army and got paid to go to school.

My dad bought me a condo in a part of Canada I never want to live in so I had him give it to my bother.

Neither went over well with my Dad, but 25yrs later I am glad I did my own thing.

Don't feel bad forging your own path. Your family may not understand in the moment, but 20yrs from now they will respect your choices.

thatbrowncat

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Re: I reject my mom's offer to buy a car, and i feel bereft
« Reply #5 on: November 03, 2015, 04:58:55 PM »
Thank you for sharing your thoughts! I really appreciate them. I feel better now. I hope that one day, when i'm financially free, i'll buy a car without borrowing from my mom, without incurring any sort of debt.

I just realized that buying a car is like having a chils. It's a cute thing to have, but it's no joke that it can be expensive unless you're prepared

okits

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Re: I reject my mom's offer to buy a car, and i feel bereft
« Reply #6 on: November 03, 2015, 07:59:06 PM »
When I read your post I saw:

1. You stopped a major purchase your mom can't afford and that isn't in your current financial plan.

2. You didn't continue any existing behavioural patterns where money/consumer goods are used to alleviate guilt.

Both are good actions. It can be hard to be the sensible one and say "no", but that's a big part of being a functional adult.