Author Topic: I don't even know where to start...life changes  (Read 3396 times)

WootWoot

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I don't even know where to start...life changes
« on: October 30, 2016, 12:44:32 PM »
Hello--In the past several days, it has become apparent to me that Mr. WootWoot and I will have to move house. I don't even know where to start. I've never really looked for a place on my own and I am in my 50s. I don't know how much help Mr. WW will be with this situation.

Right now, we are renting a six-room with attic and basement single family home for under $500 a month. This is cheap in our area, which has a relatively low cost of living. I'm not sure I want to rent an entire house again. I'd settle for a half-double, but what I really want is for Mr. WW to get rid of the stuff he's been hoarding for years. The chances of our finding an affordable place the exact same size as our current one are not great.

My question is about me: Where the heck do I start? I guess I should figure out how much I can spend on the new place, and perhaps that will determine the size of it? Do I start going through my own stuff and getting rid of my own unused crap?

Note: Mr. WW is the kind of guy who, if he sees something in the trash that he thinks doesn't belong there (today, I saw that he took an empty container of DIRT out of the trash--it once contained fishing bait/worms), he'll pick it out. Sometimes I take things to work in my tote bag and throw them out there.

+My head is kind of in an uproar at the moment.

Cassie

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Re: I don't even know where to start...life changes
« Reply #1 on: October 30, 2016, 01:15:21 PM »
If he goes out of town I would throw a bunch of his stuff away but not at your house. Take it somewhere else. He probably won't even notice.

swick

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Re: I don't even know where to start...life changes
« Reply #2 on: October 30, 2016, 01:30:06 PM »
If he goes out of town I would throw a bunch of his stuff away but not at your house. Take it somewhere else. He probably won't even notice.

Sorry, if he is a hoarder (or even if he is not, this is HORRIBLE advice) This would be about the quickest way you could undermine your relationship, damage his trust in you and make his hoarding behaviour worse.

Have you dug into "why" he does this sort of thing? Is it because he is a hoarder or there is an emotional attachment? Can he just not bear to see things go into the landfill? If that is the case then it just becomes a job of disposing as much as you can properly.

Now, before you look at moving house is the time to get all of this figured out, if you can't do it yourselves it would be well worth the money to get some expert help.

Once you get to the root of his issues there are lots of different methods you can use to clean and purge and declutter, but if you don't fix the underlying issue they are not going to be successful.

Having to move is a great reason to bring up your concerns and start having those conversations.

WootWoot

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Re: I don't even know where to start...life changes
« Reply #3 on: October 30, 2016, 02:35:55 PM »
He almost never leaves the house so it's damn near impossible to get stuff out. Once I asked him to take a box of my unwanted books to our local Friends of the LIbrary sale, and instead, he went through the box and brought ones he wanted to keep home. I mean, They were MY books and it was MY decision to get rid of them. What the...?

He's got a lot of issues (as they say) and part of his not wanting to dispose of things is "the environment." But we have recycling of both bottles and cans and cardboard, and he still hoards them.

Let's just say he needs counseling. I've been trying for a long time to get him to let go of things and he just won't.

As for me, I'm just going to move forward with going through my stuff. At some point soon, we will have to talk about the size of the place we're looking for.

plog

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Re: I don't even know where to start...life changes
« Reply #4 on: October 30, 2016, 03:27:23 PM »
Step 1:  Identify the issue.

Your post didn't do that.  How can we help?  Sounds like the issue is moving to a new place, but then you sprinkled this hoarding thing throughout it.  So what is it?

Maybe your just bitching?  If so that's cool too, we can help by listening. 


WootWoot

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Re: I don't even know where to start...life changes
« Reply #5 on: October 30, 2016, 03:55:16 PM »
I can't really identify the issue right now. As they say on the Internet, it's complicated. :(  So I guess I will chalk this one up to "bitching."

Cassie

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Re: I don't even know where to start...life changes
« Reply #6 on: October 30, 2016, 04:10:35 PM »
If he both rarely leaves the house and hoards he has some big issues.  Does he work outside the home? My DH has a big shed and 1 car garage filled with junk and his office. I wish he would let that junk go but that is our compromise and the rest of the house is uncluttered, etc.  Every 5 years or so I bug him and he gets rid of some stuff or sometimes stuff just disappears.

WootWoot

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Re: I don't even know where to start...life changes
« Reply #7 on: October 30, 2016, 04:24:44 PM »
No job. One of the issues, of course.

Some of the rooms in the house are supposed to be "mine" and he has "his" but somehow his stuff has taken over my rooms.

Another Reader

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Re: I don't even know where to start...life changes
« Reply #8 on: October 30, 2016, 04:27:20 PM »
Why do you "have" to move?  Is your landlord or a neighbor complaining about all that stuff? 

If you think the stuff will be thrown out or left behind if you move, you do not understand hoarding.  Your husband will bring the stuff with him.

If the hoarding is bad, your husband needs help understanding the problem and dealing with it.  If he is a hoarder and he won't seek or refuses help, then you have to make a decision whether to stay with him and his stuff or terminate the marriage.

Cassie

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Re: I don't even know where to start...life changes
« Reply #9 on: October 30, 2016, 04:29:23 PM »
Since he does not work, etc i think you should get into counseling to determine if you really want to be married to him.  Counseling and meds have not proven to be very effective with hoarders and is that how you want to live.

WootWoot

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Re: I don't even know where to start...life changes
« Reply #10 on: October 30, 2016, 04:57:58 PM »
No, nothing like that. It's a decision I'm making. I don't like the neighborhood any more. It's gotten progressively worse and something happened the other day that was kind of my final straw.


Why do you "have" to move?  Is your landlord or a neighbor complaining about all that stuff? 


WootWoot

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Re: I don't even know where to start...life changes
« Reply #11 on: October 30, 2016, 05:00:34 PM »
I had never heard that, about counseling and meds. I wonder why they generally don't work. Meds, I can kind of see that there's no "magic pill". But I thought counseling might help.

I myself am in counseling. Hard to say if it is helpful as I have only been there two times so far. I wish I could go every week, but right now the center has only one counselor on duty (one quit) so they are quite short-handed.

Since he does not work, etc i think you should get into counseling to determine if you really want to be married to him.  Counseling and meds have not proven to be very effective with hoarders and is that how you want to live.

Bracken_Joy

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Re: I don't even know where to start...life changes
« Reply #12 on: October 30, 2016, 05:08:59 PM »
Yeah I'm sorry I feel like I have no advice to give on this. I can't imagine staying in that situation. Which I'm sure isn't advice you want to hear. I just don't see it being conducive to long term happiness, wellness, fulfillment, etc.

Cassie

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Re: I don't even know where to start...life changes
« Reply #13 on: October 30, 2016, 05:13:08 PM »
I spent my career in human services and when you look up the success rates for hoarders it is pretty bad. I can't remember the exact percentage anymore.  It actually is a very complicated disorder.  Also if someone cleans out the home a hoarder will just start to save everything again.  My husband has some tendencies but it is controllable and not that bad.  I could not live with someone that had the disorder bad.  I also know divorce is hard as I have divorced 2 previous husbands. I never take it lightly but sometimes you have to let go for your own personal sanity. No easy choices.  I know this is really hard.