Author Topic: How would you describe your job in one sentence?  (Read 62896 times)

sol

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 8474
  • Age: 43
  • Location: Pacific Northwest
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #100 on: May 10, 2015, 08:25:49 PM »
I ensure that the male pornography actors are fully ready to participate in their scene prior to the cameras rolling

Holy shit, Dibbels, you're a fluffer?!?!!

Or works at a clinic.

Spork

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 5748
    • Spork In The Eye
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #101 on: May 10, 2015, 08:53:45 PM »
I ensure that the male pornography actors are fully ready to participate in their scene prior to the cameras rolling

Holy shit, Dibbels, you're a fluffer?!?!!

Or works at a clinic.

or sells Viagra.

vagon

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 238
  • Location: Sydney
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #102 on: May 10, 2015, 08:57:33 PM »
I ensure that the male pornography actors are fully ready to participate in their scene prior to the cameras rolling

Holy shit, Dibbels, you're a fluffer?!?!!

Or works at a clinic.

or sells Viagra.

Motivational speaker?

okits

  • Senior Mustachian
  • ********
  • Posts: 10581
  • Location: Canada
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #103 on: May 10, 2015, 09:02:32 PM »
I ensure that the male pornography actors are fully ready to participate in their scene prior to the cameras rolling

Holy shit, Dibbels, you're a fluffer?!?!!


Or works at a clinic.

or sells Viagra.

Motivational speaker?

Cock ring rubber band (the more Mustachian option) manufacturer?

sol

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 8474
  • Age: 43
  • Location: Pacific Northwest
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #104 on: May 10, 2015, 09:03:25 PM »
I ensure that the male pornography actors are fully ready to participate in their scene prior to the cameras rolling

Holy shit, Dibbels, you're a fluffer?!?!!


Or works at a clinic.

or sells Viagra.

Motivational speaker?

Cock ring rubber band (the more Mustachian option) manufacturer?

I was thinking make-up artist, but I like motivational speaker.  "You - Can - Do It!"

forummm

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7389
  • Senior Mustachian
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #105 on: May 11, 2015, 10:46:04 AM »
I ensure that the male pornography actors are fully ready to participate in their scene prior to the cameras rolling

Holy shit, Dibbels, you're a fluffer?!?!!


Or works at a clinic.

or sells Viagra.

Motivational speaker?

Cock ring rubber band (the more Mustachian option) manufacturer?

I was thinking make-up artist, but I like motivational speaker.  "You - Can - Do It!"

Acting coach.

forummm

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7389
  • Senior Mustachian
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #106 on: May 11, 2015, 10:47:16 AM »
I play around on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Instagram, and Google+ part of the day, then I make up stories to tell the public and/or the press that may or may not have a typo or a lie in it because no one ever proofreads my shit no matter how much I beg because I'm the company proofreader, though when I proofread the other stuff and make it so we don't sound like squirrels on meth, I get soundly ignored then blamed a year later because something was spelled wrong and sounded idiotic. I am also one of the reasons you have a drinking problem.

I assume the long run-on sentence from the professional proofreader was intentional irony. Well played, my friend. <tip of the top hat>

jba302

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 623
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #107 on: May 11, 2015, 11:00:00 AM »
I go to status meetings, dry-runs for those status meetings, and the preparation meetings for the dry-runs for those status meetings.

Boy do I not miss being a project manager.

MarciaB

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 496
  • Age: 59
  • Location: Oregon
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #108 on: May 11, 2015, 11:04:36 AM »
I help people run strong profitable businesses.

G-dog

  • Senior Mustachian
  • ********
  • Posts: 15382
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #109 on: May 11, 2015, 06:28:49 PM »
I ensure that the male pornography actors are fully ready to participate in their scene prior to the cameras rolling

Holy shit, Dibbels, you're a fluffer?!?!!


Or works at a clinic.

or sells Viagra.

Motivational speaker?

Cock ring rubber band (the more Mustachian option) manufacturer?

I was thinking make-up artist, but I like motivational speaker.  "You - Can - Do It!"

Acting coach.

Coxswain?
Stroke - stroke - stroke....

forummm

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7389
  • Senior Mustachian
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #110 on: May 11, 2015, 08:03:44 PM »
I ensure that the male pornography actors are fully ready to participate in their scene prior to the cameras rolling

Holy shit, Dibbels, you're a fluffer?!?!!


Or works at a clinic.

or sells Viagra.

Motivational speaker?

Cock ring rubber band (the more Mustachian option) manufacturer?

I was thinking make-up artist, but I like motivational speaker.  "You - Can - Do It!"

Acting coach.

Coxswain?
Stroke - stroke - stroke....

I think they yell "Pull! Pull! Pull!"... nevermind.

eliza

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 377
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #111 on: May 11, 2015, 08:16:16 PM »
I make sure risk is recognized and being dealt with appropriately (which may be to do nothing at all).

I criticize folks for failing to properly recognize and deal appropriately with risks.

Middlesbrough

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 268
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #112 on: May 11, 2015, 08:17:33 PM »
I try to keep people and cars from getting into wrecks, while helping people in cars get places faster and more conveniently.
Hey, this what I am supposed to be doing! Good to see others out there!

Instead, lately, I increase young people's ability to stare at glass covered alloys that connect them to the other glass staring youngster next to them. (Shrugs)

Le Poisson

  • Senior Mustachian
  • ********
  • Posts: 13655
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #113 on: May 11, 2015, 10:17:39 PM »
I try to keep people and cars from getting into wrecks, while helping people in cars get places faster and more conveniently.
Hey, this what I am supposed to be doing! Good to see others out there!

Instead, lately, I increase young people's ability to stare at glass covered alloys that connect them to the other glass staring youngster next to them. (Shrugs)


Yay for the people who make red lights green and green lights amber. No one else will cheer us on so we may as well cheer for ourselves.

Middlesbrough

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 268
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #114 on: May 12, 2015, 05:55:28 PM »
I try to keep people and cars from getting into wrecks, while helping people in cars get places faster and more conveniently.
Hey, this what I am supposed to be doing! Good to see others out there!

Instead, lately, I increase young people's ability to stare at glass covered alloys that connect them to the other glass staring youngster next to them. (Shrugs)


Yay for the people who make red lights green and green lights amber. No one else will cheer us on so we may as well cheer for ourselves.
The best part of my job is that everyone else is an expert at it!

NV Teacher

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 512
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #115 on: May 12, 2015, 08:45:12 PM »
The best part of my job is that everyone else is an expert at it!

Wait, you're a teacher too?

GeneralJinjur

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 54
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #116 on: May 12, 2015, 08:57:34 PM »
I stop people from hurting themselves or others and reintroduce reality, sometimes on a minute by minute basis.

Middlesbrough

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 268
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #117 on: May 12, 2015, 10:00:20 PM »
The best part of my job is that everyone else is an expert at it!

Wait, you're a teacher too?
Nope, but anyone who has every drove a car can do signal timing apparently.

bacchi

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 5134
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #118 on: May 12, 2015, 10:16:38 PM »
I bang on a piece of plastic, trying to convince the very wealthy to buy overpriced garbage.

skunkfunk

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1057
  • Age: 34
  • Location: Oklahoma City
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #119 on: May 13, 2015, 07:28:57 AM »
The best part of my job is that everyone else is an expert at it!

Wait, you're a teacher too?
Nope, but anyone who has every drove a car can do signal timing apparently.

I'm not saying I'm an expert, but when you're the only one sitting at a light for 2 minutes at 1 AM, it doesn't take an expert to know something went wrong.

James

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1680
  • Age: 48
  • Location: Rice Lake, WI
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #120 on: May 13, 2015, 07:31:31 AM »
I sit on my ass and pass gas.

Farmgirl

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 161
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #121 on: May 13, 2015, 08:30:31 AM »
Job #1 that is getting me to FI:  I type invoices into the computer, print and mail checks, collect payments from customers, and do an ungodly amount of filing.

Job #2 that I like better:  I shovel animal shit.

Le Poisson

  • Senior Mustachian
  • ********
  • Posts: 13655
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #122 on: May 13, 2015, 08:31:01 AM »
The best part of my job is that everyone else is an expert at it!

Wait, you're a teacher too?
Nope, but anyone who has every drove a car can do signal timing apparently.

I'm not saying I'm an expert, but when you're the only one sitting at a light for 2 minutes at 1 AM, it doesn't take an expert to know something went wrong.
Oh no - now look what we started ;)

Skunkfunk - you may be right. Call it in and see what answer you get. My bet is that the cycle length where you live is under 2 minutes long. I am pretty sure that the time you spend waiting is a clearance interval (time for the detector to sense you are there and not turning, and make sure it doesn't affect progression of upstream/downstream signals - usually about 15 - 30 seconds) plus amber and all-red (usually combined for 6-8 seconds depending on the size of the road)  so in a worst case scenario, you are waiting for about 40 seconds which can feel like an eternity when there is no opposing traffic.

If it is longer than that, then there may be a broken vehicle detector. This time of year we have a lot of broken detectors out in the network since winter maintenance beats them up pretty bad. Our contractors will be out fixing them over the next month or so as the frost comes out of the ground.

On very rare occasion, I have seen bigger problems like lights miswired, sidestreet detection turned off, or controller malfunctions, but usually its just a cut detector wire (loop) that needs attention. But do call it in - I'm curious what the answer you get will be - and before you call it in, use a stopwatch and get a real time. FYI everyone says either 2 minutes or 5 minutes with the odd 10 minute wait reported.  You fall into the highest percentile with a 2 minute wait time. We keep a scorecard.

Back to one line job descriptions
« Last Edit: May 13, 2015, 08:38:46 AM by Prospector »

hdatontodo

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 310
  • Location: Balto Co, MD
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #123 on: May 13, 2015, 08:46:05 AM »
I take requests for computer work from a pharma company and either do the work or get our support team to do it.

I work from home, so I can handle my kids school bus pickup/dropoff without having to pay for before- or after-care to accommodate a commute.

forummm

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7389
  • Senior Mustachian
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #124 on: May 13, 2015, 05:18:16 PM »
The best part of my job is that everyone else is an expert at it!

Wait, you're a teacher too?

Or a comedian? Or a football coach? Or president?

firewalker

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 307
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #125 on: May 13, 2015, 07:00:45 PM »
I try to make people feel better when they have to carry out mundane business while protecting them from the corporation they are supposed to trust.

forummm

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7389
  • Senior Mustachian
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #126 on: May 13, 2015, 07:10:10 PM »
I do the most good that I can while stacking up the paychecks until I have enough saved up to do what I want with my life.

JAYSLOL

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1387
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #127 on: May 10, 2016, 07:26:52 PM »
I fight an epic battle against mother natures relentless bullshit while my hands are figuratively tied behind my back from corporate bullshit

Goldielocks

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 6883
  • Location: BC
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #128 on: May 10, 2016, 07:49:45 PM »
when engineers set goals, I measure progress against those goals. When goals aren't met, we change the goals until we can say we met the goal.

LOL!   after all the other good ones, I don't know why this one made me laugh so much.   Too true!!

Goldielocks

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 6883
  • Location: BC
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #129 on: May 10, 2016, 07:55:18 PM »
I convince clients to change their work processes instead of spending $1 - $100 Million in capital on expansions and upgrades.

aperture

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 472
  • Location: Colorado
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #130 on: May 11, 2016, 06:50:00 AM »
50% of my job could be replaced by a button attached to a flashy sign that says "We can't fix that here" installed in psychiatrists offices.

Ottawa

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1026
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #131 on: May 11, 2016, 06:52:56 AM »
I make logical evidence-based decisions that may assist the fact-trier.

Fishindude

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 2573
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #132 on: May 11, 2016, 06:57:17 AM »
Referee to keep the troops in line and keep the construction machine churning.

Apocalyptica602

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 280
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #133 on: May 11, 2016, 07:58:18 AM »
I specify and purchase large automated assembly lines to make billions of disposable medical devices cheaply and reliably to help people.

Or the more pessimistic version:

I automate jobs and have measurable goals to reduce headcount to achieve cost savings goals by x% YOY.

FIREdancer

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 137
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #134 on: May 11, 2016, 08:17:37 AM »
I revive dead, badly jammed staplers, constantly repeat the phrase "You can't put that many pages in the three-hole punch," and occasionally help people find books.

Daisyedwards800

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 303
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #135 on: May 11, 2016, 08:22:26 AM »
This could be done in 3 hours a day, not 8.

woodnut

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 62
  • Location: Colorado
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #136 on: May 11, 2016, 08:47:45 AM »
I sit in front of 3 monitors, type some shit in emacs, project gets cancelled, rinse, repeat.
« Last Edit: May 11, 2016, 08:49:28 AM by woodnut »

Inaya

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1626
  • Age: 35
  • Location: Land of Entrapment
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #137 on: May 11, 2016, 08:51:56 AM »
I write policies that nobody reads and get blamed when they're audited for not following the policies because security is hard y'all.

lil_miss_frugal

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 68
  • Age: 31
  • Location: Alabama
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #138 on: May 11, 2016, 08:54:46 AM »
I write programs that make my coworker's job easier and I put stuff on our website for the public to use.

Lanthiriel

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 803
  • Location: Portlandia
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #139 on: May 11, 2016, 09:03:16 AM »
I convince people to hire my people instead of other people.

Dmy0013

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 100
  • Location: Central Canada
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #140 on: May 11, 2016, 09:03:34 AM »
Never ending change and constantly remake new plans

Laserjet3051

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 852
  • Age: 92
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #141 on: May 11, 2016, 09:04:54 AM »
I discover and develop novel treatments for debilitating and fatal neurodegenerative diseases.

Trudie

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1893
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #142 on: May 11, 2016, 09:12:47 AM »
I add and subtract numbers all day, then try to explain to others why numbers don't tell the whole story.

BFGirl

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 727
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #143 on: May 11, 2016, 09:45:10 AM »
I make sure that assholes don't take advantage of people who can't take care of themselves.

zephyr911

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3624
  • Age: 42
  • Location: Northern Alabama
  • I'm just happy to be here. \m/ ^_^ \m/
    • Pinhook Development LLC
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #144 on: May 11, 2016, 09:48:24 AM »
I maintain and transport information between specified parties, with varying degrees of efficiency depending on who's interfering at any given moment.

Noodle

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1283
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #145 on: May 11, 2016, 10:12:32 AM »
I learn things, help other people learn things, help other people help other people learn things, and try to keep everyone from doing irreparable damage to insanely valuable items in the process.

MoneyCat

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1752
  • Location: New Jersey
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #146 on: May 11, 2016, 10:55:46 AM »
Give kids a bunch of tests. In between testing sessions, drill kids with sample test questions. Do write-ups providing excuses for why kids are not responsible for how they do on the tests. Justify why I shouldn't be fired when kids get angry and blow off their tests. Meet after work with colleagues for group therapy sessions at the bar.

Fastfwd

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 198
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #147 on: May 11, 2016, 10:57:30 AM »
Best description I have seen yet was on a tshirt:
I solve problems you don't know you have in ways you don't understand

OmahaSteph

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 670
  • Location: Omaha
    • Journal: The Slow Lane to FIRE
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #148 on: May 11, 2016, 11:33:15 AM »
I run statistics and translate them into pretty strings of words that even lawyers can understand.

merula

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1395
Re: How would you describe your job in one sentence?
« Reply #149 on: May 11, 2016, 12:45:06 PM »
I write words that try to make sure that my company will only pay money it intends to pay, but the words and intent will be interpreted years or decades from now, so mostly I try to predict the future.