Author Topic: How to stop being short? Grow...  (Read 7935 times)

Kaikou

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How to stop being short? Grow...
« on: September 19, 2015, 12:29:16 PM »
I have been told that I am short with people enough that I want to change that perspective of me. Anyone have any resources or tips?

Tabitha

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Re: How to stop being short? Grow...
« Reply #1 on: September 19, 2015, 12:48:06 PM »
I have been told that I am short with people enough that I want to change that perspective of me. Anyone have any resources or tips?

Are you looking for Anger Management? Or how to use lifts and/or optical illusions?

I can tell you that sticking your hand inside your chest buttons didn't work for Napoleon.

Kaikou

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Re: How to stop being short? Grow...
« Reply #2 on: September 19, 2015, 12:59:09 PM »
I don't have angry problems. I have just been told I am short with people.

I am quiet until spoken to, direct, and not one to encourage small talk. It doesn't bother me, just other people I guess.

I don't really to make of it really.

When I am angry I am distant and like to diffuse alone. I never get "angry".

Cwadda

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Re: How to stop being short? Grow...
« Reply #3 on: September 19, 2015, 01:16:44 PM »
Quote
I am quiet until spoken to, direct, and not one to encourage small talk. It doesn't bother me, just other people I guess.
It must bother you enough to make a post about it and want to improve.

I'm an introvert as well. It doesn't take words or small talk to give off a positive vibe. A simple smile, head nod with eye contact, or "good morning" + smile as you walk past someone will instantly say that you are cordial without ever having to engage in talk.

Kaikou

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Re: How to stop being short? Grow...
« Reply #4 on: September 19, 2015, 01:19:06 PM »
Quote
I am quiet until spoken to, direct, and not one to encourage small talk. It doesn't bother me, just other people I guess.
It must bother you enough to make a post about it and want to improve.

I'm an introvert as well. It doesn't take words or small talk to give off a positive vibe. A simple smile, head nod with eye contact, or "good morning" + smile as you walk past someone will instantly say that you are cordial without ever having to engage in talk.

Yes I am looking to improve this perception of me. It doesn't bother me though.

Tabitha

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Re: How to stop being short? Grow...
« Reply #5 on: September 19, 2015, 01:21:47 PM »

I am quiet until spoken to, direct, and not one to encourage small talk. It doesn't bother me, just other people I guess.

I misunderstood your first post.

If it doesn't bother you and there's no downside, don't worry about it. You can tell your friend who is trying to correct or coach you that you're cultivating your "air of mystery".

If there is a downside, either at work or a social cost, you'll need to learn how to do small talk. It is relatively easy: most people like to talk about themselves. Make it a goal to get the person to tell you three things. If you lack another topic, start by what you have in common, even if it's what brought you both to that space. It gets easier as time goes by because you can ask for updates on on of the three things. There's a reason for the time honoured tradition of asking after the kids.

 As a natural introvert, the hardest part about small talk for me is remembering it's one of my goals to keep it up, to enhance my likability and therefore success at work. My workplace hosts networking events. Talking about how artificial networking events are has become one of my opening topics.

La Bibliotecaria Feroz

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Re: How to stop being short? Grow...
« Reply #6 on: September 19, 2015, 01:22:36 PM »
You might read The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, or at least the chapter on understanding other people. It might help you say some I'm-listening type things.

terran

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Re: How to stop being short? Grow...
« Reply #7 on: September 19, 2015, 01:41:20 PM »
http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0671027034/ is a classic that would likely serve you well.

Kaikou

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Re: How to stop being short? Grow...
« Reply #8 on: September 19, 2015, 05:45:26 PM »
thx

FLA

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Re: How to stop being short? Grow...
« Reply #9 on: September 19, 2015, 06:38:55 PM »
 
[/quote]

Are you looking for Anger Management? Or how to use lifts and/or optical illusions?

I can tell you that sticking your hand inside your chest buttons didn't work for Napoleon.
[/quote]

this killed me! thx

mozar

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Re: How to stop being short? Grow...
« Reply #10 on: September 20, 2015, 07:57:40 AM »
What's your gender? As a woman I get a lot of flack for my facial expression and my "interest" with engaging with other people. I tried really hard to fake it until you make it and that was no good.
I did a lot of work on my self esteem by reading self help books, and that helps in that I am more relaxed around people and it is easier for me to look "attentive." But some people are always going to be rubbed the wrong way by introverts. If all else fails get a new job/new friends.

pbkmaine

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Re: How to stop being short? Grow...
« Reply #11 on: September 20, 2015, 08:07:30 AM »
Are you able to read the emotions on people's faces? If you can, look at them closely when you are speaking. If you see negative emotions on their faces, stop and say: "I am so sorry. I tend to be a bit abrupt." The fact that you are admitting to it tends to disarm people, and they will make allowances for you. You are also telling them that it's you, not them. I bet a lot of these people are wondering if they did something wrong or have offended you in some way. Letting them know it's just your manner will help.

Kaikou

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Re: How to stop being short? Grow...
« Reply #12 on: September 20, 2015, 10:05:19 AM »
What's your gender? As a woman I get a lot of flack for my facial expression and my "interest" with engaging with other people. I tried really hard to fake it until you make it and that was no good.
I did a lot of work on my self esteem by reading self help books, and that helps in that I am more relaxed around people and it is easier for me to look "attentive." But some people are always going to be rubbed the wrong way by introverts. If all else fails get a new job/new friends.

thx. I just want to change enough so it won't be an issue for others. I am very focused and people see that as disinterested. Sorry no I don't want to hear about your baby playing with stickers.

ShortInSeattle

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Re: How to stop being short? Grow...
« Reply #13 on: September 20, 2015, 11:25:51 AM »
I help communication-challenged people in the workplace. Here are a few tips.

Things to think about

Communication is like a dance. We each have our preferred methods and styles, but we need to flexible enough to adapt so that we aren't stomping on one another's feet.  To some people these adjustments are easy, (people readers) while others have a hard time seeing or caring about the cues of others. If you're bad at reading cues you may be pissing people off without even realizing it.

People tend to make assumptions about what other people are thinking and intending, based upon cues in communication. These assumptions are often false but humans are assumption making machines! So if you are a direct and concise communicator (abrupt), people may interpret you as cold or arrogant, particularly if you don't use nonverbal cues like smiles. Therefore the best communication requires wisdom on the part of both the sender and the receiver.  The sender needs to try to be clear and communicate their intent, and the receiver needs to avoid making assumptions.

When we communicate there is the message (content) and the packaging (style). The goal is to get the message across accurately, but the packaging can get in the way sometimes.

If your communication is outside the workplace norm it will impact your ability to get promotions, raises, and other perks. So decide if it's worth it you you to make a few small tweaks in certain circumstances.

A few practical tips.

Nonverbal Cues - When you begin a communication, smile and make eye contact. When others are speaking, use a few nods or "uh-huh"s to show you are listening.

Actively Listen - When someone is speaking, try not to think about what you want to say next. Give them your full attention, be patient, and ask a follow-up question or two. On occasion, repeat back a brief summary of what they said. "So you'd like us to..." "Your concern is..." "Let me make sure I understand..."

Courtesy - Say hello or good morning. Ask someone how their weekend was. Say thank you. These little things go a long way. Even if they are as boring as heck and you don't care about their dog, a twenty second interaction about their trip to the dog park can go a long way to smoothing a workplace relationship. "Cool. It sounds like you two had fun." then smile and go back to work.

Invitation - When sharing your view, invite others to engage. "What I'm thinking is..." "How does that sound..."

This was kind of scattershot since I don't know exactly what your situation is (short can mean a lot of things). I hope some of it was helpful.

SIS

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Re: How to stop being short? Grow...
« Reply #14 on: September 20, 2015, 11:58:44 AM »
you have gotten so much good advice in this thread.  I'm an introvert, it took years of feedback before what I thought was normal behavior, I learned was pushing people away.  In college, a few people told me I was an ice queen with men and people thought I was a "stuck up cheerleader", which could not possible be more far from the truth.  It wasn't hard to put on game face during college, a few drinks, gushing with the girls, whatev, flirt, it worked. 

Then in my first job, in some ways it was a benefit, I was very calm, knew how to react in emergency situations without freaking out.  So I got promoted to be in charge of a shift when I was barely out of school.  Great, I did not want this but I was too introverted to figure out how to say no and not jeopardize my career.  So I did it, it forced me out of quietly going about my business.  I did not like it, especially because at 22 I still looked 16 and the people I were supervising were older than my parents, I was trusted to give them clinical advice?? And it was a vey busy floor, of course, understaffed so it was a bitchfest daily. I learned to let that go on for a few minutes and then enforced assignments and time to get going.  One day the unit secretary asked me when did I graduate, how old was I, experience, etc?  I figured everyone already knew, first job, just out of school, etc.  She told me she had no idea, had assumed I  was in my late 20s with some, etc.  So take whatever feedback you get and use it as essential information to begin to understand how/why people see you in a certain way.

Thankfully, with patients/families one on one, I think being an improving introvert helped because I would listen to the whole "story" without cutting anyone off or sliding my advice in when it was not asked for and then wrapping it up with "what can I do to help?"  I came to love all these interactions and stories over 23 yrs. And it helped me in social situations because I was a good listener and could draw others out, leaving my life mostly private.
 
I still tend to be an introvert but I feel able to read a situation and get a bead on what behavior would be best. 

Did you ever try the Meyers/Briggs test?  It gives you you're personality type in several sectors and it was helpful to me. They are all over the internet, just check that it doesn't look like a whackadoo site.  There should be references to Jung and a history of the test, etc.  You won't get a real one, or at least, last time I looked I couldn't find one but that was years ago. You get a shortened version and that's ok.  Good luck!

Kaikou

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Re: How to stop being short? Grow...
« Reply #15 on: September 20, 2015, 09:45:03 PM »
I help communication-challenged people in the workplace. Here are a few tips.

Things to think about

Communication is like a dance. We each have our preferred methods and styles, but we need to flexible enough to adapt so that we aren't stomping on one another's feet.  To some people these adjustments are easy, (people readers) while others have a hard time seeing or caring about the cues of others. If you're bad at reading cues you may be pissing people off without even realizing it.

People tend to make assumptions about what other people are thinking and intending, based upon cues in communication. These assumptions are often false but humans are assumption making machines! So if you are a direct and concise communicator (abrupt), people may interpret you as cold or arrogant, particularly if you don't use nonverbal cues like smiles. Therefore the best communication requires wisdom on the part of both the sender and the receiver.  The sender needs to try to be clear and communicate their intent, and the receiver needs to avoid making assumptions.

When we communicate there is the message (content) and the packaging (style). The goal is to get the message across accurately, but the packaging can get in the way sometimes.

If your communication is outside the workplace norm it will impact your ability to get promotions, raises, and other perks. So decide if it's worth it you you to make a few small tweaks in certain circumstances.

A few practical tips.

Nonverbal Cues - When you begin a communication, smile and make eye contact. When others are speaking, use a few nods or "uh-huh"s to show you are listening.

Actively Listen - When someone is speaking, try not to think about what you want to say next. Give them your full attention, be patient, and ask a follow-up question or two. On occasion, repeat back a brief summary of what they said. "So you'd like us to..." "Your concern is..." "Let me make sure I understand..."

Courtesy - Say hello or good morning. Ask someone how their weekend was. Say thank you. These little things go a long way. Even if they are as boring as heck and you don't care about their dog, a twenty second interaction about their trip to the dog park can go a long way to smoothing a workplace relationship. "Cool. It sounds like you two had fun." then smile and go back to work.

Invitation - When sharing your view, invite others to engage. "What I'm thinking is..." "How does that sound..."

This was kind of scattershot since I don't know exactly what your situation is (short can mean a lot of things). I hope some of it was helpful.

SIS

Yes thank you for your reply. Very helpful.

What do you do for a living, where you get to council people on this topic?

ShortInSeattle

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Re: How to stop being short? Grow...
« Reply #16 on: September 21, 2015, 10:43:01 AM »
I help communication-challenged people in the workplace. Here are a few tips.

Things to think about

Communication is like a dance. We each have our preferred methods and styles, but we need to flexible enough to adapt so that we aren't stomping on one another's feet.  To some people these adjustments are easy, (people readers) while others have a hard time seeing or caring about the cues of others. If you're bad at reading cues you may be pissing people off without even realizing it.

People tend to make assumptions about what other people are thinking and intending, based upon cues in communication. These assumptions are often false but humans are assumption making machines! So if you are a direct and concise communicator (abrupt), people may interpret you as cold or arrogant, particularly if you don't use nonverbal cues like smiles. Therefore the best communication requires wisdom on the part of both the sender and the receiver.  The sender needs to try to be clear and communicate their intent, and the receiver needs to avoid making assumptions.

When we communicate there is the message (content) and the packaging (style). The goal is to get the message across accurately, but the packaging can get in the way sometimes.

If your communication is outside the workplace norm it will impact your ability to get promotions, raises, and other perks. So decide if it's worth it you you to make a few small tweaks in certain circumstances.

A few practical tips.

Nonverbal Cues - When you begin a communication, smile and make eye contact. When others are speaking, use a few nods or "uh-huh"s to show you are listening.

Actively Listen - When someone is speaking, try not to think about what you want to say next. Give them your full attention, be patient, and ask a follow-up question or two. On occasion, repeat back a brief summary of what they said. "So you'd like us to..." "Your concern is..." "Let me make sure I understand..."

Courtesy - Say hello or good morning. Ask someone how their weekend was. Say thank you. These little things go a long way. Even if they are as boring as heck and you don't care about their dog, a twenty second interaction about their trip to the dog park can go a long way to smoothing a workplace relationship. "Cool. It sounds like you two had fun." then smile and go back to work.

Invitation - When sharing your view, invite others to engage. "What I'm thinking is..." "How does that sound..."

This was kind of scattershot since I don't know exactly what your situation is (short can mean a lot of things). I hope some of it was helpful.

SIS

Yes thank you for your reply. Very helpful.

What do you do for a living, where you get to council people on this topic?

I don't like to reveal too much on a public forum, but I'll PM ya. :)

Easye418

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Re: How to stop being short? Grow...
« Reply #17 on: September 21, 2015, 11:05:01 AM »
I have been told that I am short with people enough that I want to change that perspective of me. Anyone have any resources or tips?

Where are you from?  If from Northeast or Chicago (me), it could be quite acceptable to be an asshole.

My wife tells me I am short with people all the time and I agree.  I have told my wife numerous times that I don't need friends and I am very content with my wife as my only friend. (I moved cross country, have some family and still talk to old friends).  I think this is from my loser days from 15-18 years old, playing video games, WoW to getting money and meeting my now wife enjoying time together with her. 

When someone talks to me and provides me no such entertainment value or utility, I could give two shits.  Don't be a boring fuck, and I will talk with you.  All of my neighbors are in there late 30's to mid 40's, multiple children, and it is depressing to drink with them being 26 years old.  All they do is talk about their house, the neighborhood, their children, etc.  It is absolutely miserable.  My problem with people is that it is unheard of that husbands and wives hang out together, it has to be all husbands or all wives or it never happens.  It just shows how bad there relationship is with there soulmate.

That being said, I am never short with people I work with, everyone tends to like me at work since I am a go-getter, I just keep work as being work, and my personal life = my personal life.  I can bullshit like the best of em, so it comes easy for me.
« Last Edit: September 21, 2015, 11:10:55 AM by Easye418 »

Kaikou

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Re: How to stop being short? Grow...
« Reply #18 on: September 21, 2015, 01:50:57 PM »
I have been told that I am short with people enough that I want to change that perspective of me. Anyone have any resources or tips?

Where are you from?  If from Northeast or Chicago (me), it could be quite acceptable to be an asshole.

My wife tells me I am short with people all the time and I agree.  I have told my wife numerous times that I don't need friends and I am very content with my wife as my only friend. (I moved cross country, have some family and still talk to old friends).  I think this is from my loser days from 15-18 years old, playing video games, WoW to getting money and meeting my now wife enjoying time together with her. 

When someone talks to me and provides me no such entertainment value or utility, I could give two shits.  Don't be a boring fuck, and I will talk with you.  All of my neighbors are in there late 30's to mid 40's, multiple children, and it is depressing to drink with them being 26 years old.  All they do is talk about their house, the neighborhood, their children, etc.  It is absolutely miserable.  My problem with people is that it is unheard of that husbands and wives hang out together, it has to be all husbands or all wives or it never happens.  It just shows how bad there relationship is with there soulmate.

That being said, I am never short with people I work with, everyone tends to like me at work since I am a go-getter, I just keep work as being work, and my personal life = my personal life.  I can bullshit like the best of em, so it comes easy for me.

Nope not from there. Part of my problem is I'm too honest. I'm quiet till spoken to, but if you ask me you will get the truth. i don't know how to throw bull crap around, it's a skill that I don't think I can master.

Easye418

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Re: How to stop being short? Grow...
« Reply #19 on: September 21, 2015, 01:55:08 PM »
I have been told that I am short with people enough that I want to change that perspective of me. Anyone have any resources or tips?

Where are you from?  If from Northeast or Chicago (me), it could be quite acceptable to be an asshole.

My wife tells me I am short with people all the time and I agree.  I have told my wife numerous times that I don't need friends and I am very content with my wife as my only friend. (I moved cross country, have some family and still talk to old friends).  I think this is from my loser days from 15-18 years old, playing video games, WoW to getting money and meeting my now wife enjoying time together with her. 

When someone talks to me and provides me no such entertainment value or utility, I could give two shits.  Don't be a boring fuck, and I will talk with you.  All of my neighbors are in there late 30's to mid 40's, multiple children, and it is depressing to drink with them being 26 years old.  All they do is talk about their house, the neighborhood, their children, etc.  It is absolutely miserable.  My problem with people is that it is unheard of that husbands and wives hang out together, it has to be all husbands or all wives or it never happens.  It just shows how bad there relationship is with there soulmate.

That being said, I am never short with people I work with, everyone tends to like me at work since I am a go-getter, I just keep work as being work, and my personal life = my personal life.  I can bullshit like the best of em, so it comes easy for me.

Nope not from there. Part of my problem is I'm too honest. I'm quiet till spoken to, but if you ask me you will get the truth. i don't know how to throw bull crap around, it's a skill that I don't think I can master.

Hm, staying up to date on recent world/local events: politics,sports,markets,etc. help a lot.  Having interest hobbies, understanding how finances work, being real, enjoying competition, music, etc.

For me, my friends back home are a bunch of assholes and in return, im an asshole back to them.  All in a loving, competitive nature.  It's this never ending competition but leads to great drinking nights and convos.  Find people who have the same hobbies/likes as you and bullshitting should get easier. 

sheepstache

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Re: How to stop being short? Grow...
« Reply #20 on: September 21, 2015, 01:59:45 PM »
Are you able to read the emotions on people's faces? If you can, look at them closely when you are speaking. If you see negative emotions on their faces, stop and say: "I am so sorry. I tend to be a bit abrupt." The fact that you are admitting to it tends to disarm people, and they will make allowances for you. You are also telling them that it's you, not them. I bet a lot of these people are wondering if they did something wrong or have offended you in some way. Letting them know it's just your manner will help.

+1

Kaikou

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Re: How to stop being short? Grow...
« Reply #21 on: September 21, 2015, 03:10:15 PM »
Are you able to read the emotions on people's faces? If you can, look at them closely when you are speaking. If you see negative emotions on their faces, stop and say: "I am so sorry. I tend to be a bit abrupt." The fact that you are admitting to it tends to disarm people, and they will make allowances for you. You are also telling them that it's you, not them. I bet a lot of these people are wondering if they did something wrong or have offended you in some way. Letting them know it's just your manner will help.

+1

I actually can read people pretty well. I just am too focused on myself and that can come off as careless and off putting.

I do like the idea of being self-effacing (that's the word, isn't?) to alleviate situations. I could see myself doing that more than i can see myself starting small talk regularly.

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How to stop being short? Grow...
« Reply #22 on: September 22, 2015, 06:11:05 AM »
http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0671027034/ is a classic that would likely serve you well.

+1

One of my favourites!!

My husband can be very direct with people, and this book put some extra tools in his toolbox. Definitely check it out if you are serious about growing as a person.

Kaikou

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Re: How to stop being short? Grow...
« Reply #23 on: September 26, 2015, 06:04:52 PM »
Okay I picked up the book from the library today, if anyone has recommendation on what chapters apply to my situation let me know.

yourusernamehere

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Re: How to stop being short? Grow...
« Reply #24 on: September 26, 2015, 07:44:54 PM »
I just want to say I think it's great you are interested in improving your interactions with other people. Not that this is you, but quick story- I used to work with a person who would make angry comments or accusations and then follow it up with something like, "sorry, I tend to be kind of an asshole." The acknowledgement did not make it ok. After 2 years working together I would have preferred if this person was oblivious versus knowing and deciding not to do anything about it. We got along much better after I decided to just let it go and that's helped me a lot in my work relationships in general, but it sure would have been nice if the coworker had met me halfway!

The_path_less_taken

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Re: How to stop being short? Grow...
« Reply #25 on: September 27, 2015, 07:28:34 AM »
OP, don't feel like the lone ranger: if I'm busy, I really don't have time to stop and listen to inane chatter. It stresses me out, as I have a big workload. And I came there to work, not listen to someone describe their favorite cross stitch pattern.

But I do think the minimum is the "hi/how's it going?/good weekend" hallway vibe thing.

And sometimes you have to just buck it up and chit chat in social situations.

Hint: if you're making eye contact, nodding, and smiling....I think you like my story. You could be composing filthy limericks in your head the entire time. Just saying.

libertarian4321

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Re: How to stop being short? Grow...
« Reply #26 on: September 27, 2015, 08:09:06 AM »
I have been told that I am short with people enough that I want to change that perspective of me. Anyone have any resources or tips?

Tell 'em its better to be short than stupid?

votu

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Re: How to stop being short? Grow...
« Reply #27 on: September 27, 2015, 08:31:19 AM »
I have the same problem, although not bad enough for people to comment on it.  All the books I've read and all the advices I've received didn't really help.  The only thing that worked was picking out the most sociable, gracious people at work and imitate them.  Also, listening to others going on and on about their lives is similar to saying hello and goodbye, it's required.

libertarian4321

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Re: How to stop being short? Grow...
« Reply #28 on: September 27, 2015, 08:34:15 AM »
If you really want to grow, this should help:



It may not make you taller, but I hear it's great for helping unbelievers see the light and accept Jesus as their savior, or whatever.

Kaikou

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Re: How to stop being short? Grow...
« Reply #29 on: September 27, 2015, 09:46:41 AM »
@ libertarian thx for bringing the humor

@path_less I felt like I was doing enough of that but I guess I wasn't.

@ votu hmm I kind of like your suggestion better