Author Topic: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)  (Read 5038 times)

Aardvark

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How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« on: July 07, 2022, 03:53:11 PM »
My wife and I hope to have kids. At the moment our best guess is that we will try for kid#1 in about 3 years from now, and for kid#2 about three years after that.
I am 31yo, my wife is 27.
We both work stable professional jobs - each with incomes around $100k at the moment.

Calculators like this one make us feel as though we're on the path that leads to FIRE in about a decade.
http://mustachecalc.com/#/calcs/time-to-fi

BUT... Calculators like that don't account for the cost of having kids.

Assuming that we do have kids according to the timeline outlined above. What options and instruments can we use to start preparing for them now? Are there tax benefits that we can leverage by preparing for this in advance (I'm thinking about investments that are tax free if used for education).

Any details or "I wish I would have ..." stories would be great to hear.

Thanks!!

patchyfacialhair

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #1 on: July 07, 2022, 04:08:44 PM »
I'll just throw in some things that my wife and I experienced after 2 kids. Oldest is only 5 so we have a long way to go still.

1) Don't assume you'll have free childcare. Family can end up not being as reliable, whether through health issues or other drama. Budget for "full price" childcare, whatever that means for you.
2) Don't assume you'll both keep working, even if you wife says so. My wife went from "I'm going back to work after the baby" to "I want to be a stay at home mom" to now "I never want to be a stay at home parent."
3) Lower your expectations. It's ok to be tired after taking care of a baby and waiting until the morning to do the dishes.
4) Be flexible. I was a FIRE nut for a while, while my wife has never been. I was relentless about optimizing things before kids, but now am totally cool with things like private school. I'm willing to work longer to make sure my kid has what we believe to be the appropriate schooling for her.
5) I'm sure there's more that I'm forgetting. You may think diapers cost X, but end up springing for the fancy Target Honest diapers because the cheap ones irritate the baby's skin. You may think you can be cheap with the baby, but your wife really wants to put the kid in a dance school and hey, it's only $70 a month. Who knows. You may be the one wanting to splurge on the kid and your wife wanting to save more. Just love the kid at the end of the day.

On the tax stuff, we don't do 529 or other college savings specifically. We're saving for the girls' futures, but its in savings/taxable stuff, because we want to be flexible with the money. If they never go to college, then it's there for future down payments, weddings, etc. It's not "optimal" but I prefer to have options.


ender

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #2 on: July 07, 2022, 04:53:10 PM »
Something to consider, you can't in most cases just decide "let's have a baby in 9 months" and drop birth control and have it happen.

Issues getting pregnant or even miscarriages are much more common than most people think.

Aardvark

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #3 on: July 07, 2022, 05:00:07 PM »
Thanks @patchyfacialhair, appreciate the insights.
I should look into the penalties for using a 529 for something other than education. I'm assuming it's possible, but with a penalty...?

@ender - thanks for the reminder, but I think we are more aware of this than most. We have a few friends that have struggled to get pregnant for quite a while. That's why I said we're hoping to have kids - as opposed to "We're gonna!".

Dee_the_third

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #4 on: July 07, 2022, 05:16:16 PM »
Make sure you budget for childcare. It is by far the biggest expense of the first 5 years.

Food & miscellany go up as you slog through sleep deprivation and throw money at problems for the first year or so, then taper off as you get a handle on this parenting thing.

College - our personal goal/decision is to put enough money in a 529 for one year of in-state college tuition by the time they're 5, then it has enough time to compound before they're 18. Then stop thinking about it.



darknight

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #5 on: July 07, 2022, 05:42:46 PM »
Honestly showing up like you have saying "what should I do" is indicative that you're ready. I'm close to you in age and have 2 kids between 5 & 10. Honestly, from one parent to another, don't worry too much.

If I could go back to 25 yr old me before having kids I'd require only a couple changes (and I didn't know what the hell I was doing then haha, and in a lot of debt):

-Get in shape if you're not already. Cardio! You want to be able to chase your kids around, play with them in the park and be here a long time. 
-Save some money, but don't worry about it. (hearing that you both make 100k plus is amazing... when we started having kiddos we made 30k/yr combine, in school, and in debt). Don't worry about it.
-Be flexible. @patchyfacialhair is dead on. All of your goals will change/adapt once you become a parent, and you don't need to have much figured out. As cheesy as it sounds, most kids lack a solid foundation and support in the home, and could use more attention than most parents give them. Decide to love and support your spouse/kids first over everything and you'll be set to go.

A word of wisdom, 7 Figures in your retirement account means absolutely nothing if the price you paid for that money was that brief moment you could have had with your kids while they were little.  You get little kids once. Don't forget that.
« Last Edit: July 07, 2022, 05:45:24 PM by darknight »

okisok

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #6 on: July 07, 2022, 05:49:14 PM »
Spend time with kids. Seriously, lots of time. It's amazing to me how many people have kids and had never changed a diaper, babysat, or even spent any amount of time around kids. It'll be different with your kids just like everyone says, but it will still give you an idea of what's going on. It's not just a baby, it's a toddler, tween, teenager, all the ages.

Prepare yourselves for the possibility of not a perfect child. What is your plan for tantrums, bullying, rule or law breaking, physical/mental/emotional difficulties? So many people have an Instagram idea of a perfect little mini-me who will like what I like and behave the way I want them to. What's your real-life plan?

Talk about how you'll handle things between the two of you. Lots can change, but you'll still need to feed, clean up after, and teach the child things. Do you have wildly disparate ideas of how that looks? Do you agree on discipline and appropriate ages to allow certain things, like wear makeup or bike around the neighborhood alone?

Take the parenting classes. Anything offered by a local college, community center, house of worship, go there and learn from others how to handle different issues, especially if you didn't have great role models of parenting. Even if you did, so much has changed since you were parented there will be new things to learn.

And at the end, just love and accept the kid.

Godspeed.



charis

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #7 on: July 07, 2022, 07:12:41 PM »
We never went to a single child care class before having kids and we were fine. We didn't know how much daycare would be but we knew one of us would be part time and planned accordingly. You are way ahead of the game. We didn't discover MMM or FIRE until after having kids and we are fine. My best advice is to round up on your spending when you are estimating retirement spending or at least don't assume a decrease. We paid for PT child care, then before/after care, and now more activities. Our kid costs did not decrease after school started. We also had to start paying tuition costs during the pandemic for one kid who didn't do well with remote school.  The point is, costs may not decrease with the best laid plans. But accept hand me down everything and buy second hand whenever possible. Pursue public school and low cost but quality activities and camps.

Michael in ABQ

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #8 on: July 07, 2022, 09:43:44 PM »
You're never ready for kids, so just go ahead and do it. It's going to be hard, but it's also going to be the most significant thing in your life.


(Parent of 6 kids, ages 3 - 13)

gooki

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #9 on: July 08, 2022, 03:16:51 AM »
You're never ready for kids, so just go ahead and do it. It's going to be hard, but it's also going to be the most significant thing in your life.

This x1000. Financially speaking just get yourself in a good financial position, so money isn't an additional stressor on your life / relationship.
« Last Edit: July 08, 2022, 04:43:49 AM by gooki »

sonofsven

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #10 on: July 08, 2022, 07:47:09 AM »
Whatever you do, DO NOT go to a zoo on a hot summer weekend.
Best birth control ever.

StashingAway

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #11 on: July 08, 2022, 08:53:12 AM »
Travel now, if you can.

haflander

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #12 on: July 08, 2022, 09:32:20 AM »
Great thread, mostly PTF. Same exact ages as OP strangely enough, and just got pregnant. Haven't even had ultrasound 1 or told my parents yet due to the miscarriage concerns (already had 1 really early, around 4 weeks). So adding that varying issues really are common; anywhere from 25-50% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. If not enlightening OP, then someone else. Miscarriages are common on my side of the family. Between my mom and sister, it's been 6 healthy babies out of a total of 12 pregnancies. With many friends around our ages, some have kids, we think some have fertility issues. We actually got pregnant in the first round of trying both times. So you really never know until you try. It sounds like OP is a big planner, so you could do some fertility testing for both of you. Pay for it with the HSA. It's amazing what you can do with modern science.

Also loving the info on what people have learned. For us, we wanted to travel a lot (achieved no thanks to Covid), buy a house, and pay off all non-mortgage debt. Did all that and not getting any younger, so here we go. If you're here, planning, have a little saved, and LBYM, you're better off than 90% of Americans, I'd think.

For our situation, salaries combine for 170. I work from home and she's a teacher and we're close to a lot of family, so that saves a good amount on childcare. For now the plan is I'll keep working and she can do whatever she wants after we start having kids, as my salary is 110. Not sure what she'll do, but if we deliver in late Feb or early March that would mean around 5 months paid time off for her including summer, before making a decision on work and/or figuring out childcare for the fall semester of 2023.

Like others have said, I feel that focusing on your home life and relationship is just as important as the financial picture in terms of a solid foundation for the kids.

Lady SA

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #13 on: July 08, 2022, 10:02:48 AM »
Cram in activities which would be difficult with a child. Traveling especially, but other things you enjoy that would be inconvenient and difficult to enjoy later.
Ensure you have adequate healthcare/insurance coverage, and ensure your wife is signed up for short term disability. I have a friend who missed the deadline to sign up for the STD plan and got pregnant, and then was unpaid for her mat leave for that tiny administrative mistake.
Get your debts in a manageable state and get a handle/full understanding of your budget.
Get in good shape; for mom, pregnancy is tough on your body, and both parents will have to chase after and play with the munchkin. You want to be comfortable doing so!
Build a village now! Find people you trust and have a similar caregiving approach. The more people pitching in to help, the more rest you get and the more human you will feel. Waiting until you are sleep deprived and difficult to get places around naptimes and feeding schedules makes making connections with people more difficult. You are never more flexible than you are right now, so use this time effectively to make future you's lives easier!

Discuss approaches with your parter. There are so many unknowns with adding a family member that its good to hammer out and understand your partner's philosophy or thoughts way ahead of time rather than in the heat of the moment under pressure. Its mostly an exercise to explore your problem solving muscles with your partner, but also useful to understand your partners values/preferences. Just know that none of these are set in stone and your preferences are likely to go out the window when an actual baby is in your arms, but getting on the same page ahead of time will make the already super stressful transition time so much easier. Like;
--What should we do if we discover the embryo has complications or genetic disability, etc?
--What would our lives look like if we had a child with a significant disability?
--What should we do if mom has significant pregnancy complications?
--What would happen if god forbid, mom or baby died during childbirth? What would that look like?
--What happens if breastfeeding goes sideways? (you both may be surprised by how intensely mom may feel about breastfeeding. I know I was on the fence about it and then when baby arrived it was suddenly intensely important to me)
--What would be an ideal split of baby duties, especially overnight? How do we ensure everyone's needs are respected and accommodated?
--What is your opinion on effective discipline methods? What is your opinion on spanking or corporal punishment?
--etc

And a big thing is researching caregiving/childcare philosophies now. What styles speak to you, what styles do you feel fit your values and desires? What style would support your child in feeling loved and supported and able to grow freely into a capable and responsible adult? What resources do you need to begin to fill in your caregiving gaps or injuries that may have caused blindspots? Exploring those now rather than when your in the thick of changing diapers would make you feel more prepared and confident in your day-to-day decisions. For example, my parenting approach has been greatly influenced by Jean Leidloff, Janet Lansbury, Ross Greene, and Mona Delahooke, and I started reading them years before I got pregnant. It helped me ground myself in the chaos and difficult moments and orient myself toward the larger goal(s) I have as a parent.

Aardvark

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #14 on: July 08, 2022, 12:01:52 PM »
Jeesh - this thread just keeps getting better!
I love that this is all in a place where I can read it again and again - and share it with my wife.
Thanks again everybody! Keen to hear from more people :)

EngineerOurFI

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #15 on: July 08, 2022, 12:58:53 PM »

1) Don't assume you'll have free childcare. Family can end up not being as reliable, whether through health issues or other drama. Budget for "full price" childcare, whatever that means for you.
2) Don't assume you'll both keep working, even if you wife says so. My wife went from "I'm going back to work after the baby" to "I want to be a stay at home mom" to now "I never want to be a stay at home parent."
3) Lower your expectations. It's ok to be tired after taking care of a baby and waiting until the morning to do the dishes.
4) Be flexible. I was a FIRE nut for a while, while my wife has never been. I was relentless about optimizing things before kids, but now am totally cool with things like private school. I'm willing to work longer to make sure my kid has what we believe to be the appropriate schooling for her.
5) I'm sure there's more that I'm forgetting. You may think diapers cost X, but end up springing for the fancy Target Honest diapers because the cheap ones irritate the baby's skin. You may think you can be cheap with the baby, but your wife really wants to put the kid in a dance school and hey, it's only $70 a month. Who knows. You may be the one wanting to splurge on the kid and your wife wanting to save more. Just love the kid at the end of the day.

On the tax stuff, we don't do 529 or other college savings specifically. We're saving for the girls' futures, but its in savings/taxable stuff, because we want to be flexible with the money. If they never go to college, then it's there for future down payments, weddings, etc. It's not "optimal" but I prefer to have options.

Pretty much entirely +++1 to this entire post.  I have a 2 yr old and a 4 yr old and have very similar advice to the above.

Note that you're seriously never fully "ready" to have kids.  Just do it unless there's some huge major reason not to (e.g. one spouse is finishing a job with a ton of travel and won't transition to being at home more until XYZ date or you have some huge debt you just *have* to finish aggressively paying off and working a ton extra for, etc.)
d
The only other things I'll add to this already great post/answer above are:

1) Boundaries with in-laws.  You guys need to be a unit and can't go running to in-laws on either side to weaponize in-laws against a spouse to force any kind of decision/action/whatever.  You guys agree to ask for advice?  Fine, ask for advice.  But collectively you as a unit make the decision.

2) Don't think you're going to drop birth control and get pregnant in a day.  Even if you don't have serious infertility issues, at your age it's entirely common to take a couple of years to get pregnant.  Also, don't think just having sex every now and again in roughly the appropriate time of month is enough to get pregnant.  At age 16-18 you can look at a penis and get pregnant (exaggeration, obviously), but at 30 for most people it takes a bit more work/tracking/effort/timing.  Most people I know who got pregnant at our age (had our first right at around 30 yrs old) took 1-2 years of trying.  Only person I know that got pregnant immediately was SIL who was 31 but this girl was **Tracking** with a capital T her cycles long before going off pill and went off pill for awhile using condoms before officially trying.

3) Baby classes and what to expect classes at local hospital.  Super helpful for me.  Only really need to go after actually pregnant.  I've never been around babies and didn't know a thing.  These help on a variety of topics from what to expect regarding breastfeeding, bottle feeding, diapers, childbirth, etc.

4) Anything can happen.  You absolutely MUST have natural childbirth and do everything right? Whelp, my wife apparently has a funny-shaped uterus and that was impossible -- 33 hours of labor or something and still needed C-section. 

5) It's shocking how little "stuff" your kid REALLY needs on Day 1.  Car seat, couple pairs of clothes, swaddles, diapers, wipes, and a bassinet for kid to sleep in your room.  I recommend the 4 Moms bassinet/play pen combo rather than an expensive bassinet that is only good for one tiny phase of life.  Everyone always panics about nursery being 110% setup before baby is home.....but then American Society of Pediatrics recommends emphatically that baby sleeps in your room for a year in a basinnet.  (Note for us 1 yr didn't fly - we did 6 months and then transitioned each kid to their own room....)

6) Breastfeeding for some women can be really, really, really hard and really, really emotional.  I can't even believe how hard it was on my wife and how much time it takes.

7) Every kid is completely different.  There's a reason this saying is so common; it's very true.

8) Financially definitely get term life insurance on each parent in order ASAP.  At your age and considering you're already in MMM forum and planning to FIRE - 20 year term life is probably all you need.  But if the 25 year term life is still cheap and you think you need it - go for it.

9) Dad better understand that he needs to pitch in - a lot.  Whether wife is working or SAHM - infants and toddlers are freaking exhausting.

10) Don't be afraid to outsource things that may cost some money even if it pushes back FIRE goals.  If it helps you be happier and spend more time with kids and family without stress - it's worth it.  I started paying for lawncare and housekeeping and it's freed up enough of my week that I'm able to spend a lot more time with kids.

11) Patience.  Patience.  Patience.  The amount of patience needed now that I have a 4 yr old and a 2 yr old is intense sometimes.  I'm not against spanking, per se - but the cold hard reality is I get much better results with my kids when I/we come up with creative ways to attack issues and redirect our toddlers.  The amount of patience it takes to do this is sometimes overwhelming.  Daniel Tiger is amazing.  My kid has learned so many emotional strategies on his own by watching Daniel Tiger for free on PBS kids that I literally donated like $1000 to PBS Kids.  "Take a deep breath and count to four!"

12) Teaching kids little sayings or phrases or dances or teaching through song is far more memorable to them than just saying something when they're little.  There's a reason the clean up song works or ABC song works, etc.

13) Give spouse benefit of the doubt.  Early on kids can be exhausting sometimes.  Benefit of the doubt is critical.

14) Having kids has been one of the most if not the most rewarding things I've ever done.

15) You're never fully ready - just do it.

ChpBstrd

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #16 on: July 08, 2022, 02:19:56 PM »
Great advice! I'll add:

1) You cannot start a 529 account at the moment the child is born because it takes several months to obtain a social security number. The time around birth is, unfortunately, exactly the emotion-driven moment when friends and relatives would be MOST likely to give large sums. Get around this by setting up a temporary savings account that people can write checks to and that will be moved into the child's 529 as soon as it can be set up. Don't be shy about explicitly soliciting donations. Use an online service like Venmo for the younger crowd and accept checks from the older crowd. When people ask you if you need anything, hand them a small printout you've made with deposit instructions and an explanation that the account will go to kiddo's future 529. When the 529 is finally established, let everyone know again. Include a handout in all birthday invitations. These little steps could easily raise $5k-10k around birth time, which will be several times that amount in 18-20 years.

2) Start couples counseling. Any fracture, any incompatibility, any passive-aggressive tendency, any over-reliance on sarcasm, any irritation or bad habit becomes 3x as bad when you're sleep deprived for weeks, when you've lost your autonomy over your own time, when you physically hurt, when you're stressed about the latest ear infection or diaper rash, when it's been months since your last episode of intimacy, and when you just got pooped on because your SO was too exhausted to take their turn. Even if you seem to have nothing but first world problems now, address them before they become fights. See if you can agree in advance on tentative plans for things like housecleaning, grocery runs, taking shifts at night so you each get at least a half-night's sleep, etc. Even if when you end up having to break the plans later, it's better to start with a plan.

3) Fix your stuff. Don't go into the most intense year of your life with appliances or cars that are on their last legs, or home repair items that could blow up on you. How old is your HVAC and water heater? Do you need a new roof? Etc. You won't have time to deal with this stuff in the near future. You'll be challenged to DIY anything. If you have toys like motorcycles, ATVs, or boats, sell them before the gasoline rots. You won't pick up these activities again for at least 4 years.

4) Read quality books on parenting. Spoiler alert: much of what you think you know is not scientifically supported. Also see #10.

5) Line up an in-network pediatrician in advance.

6) Be prepared and have discussions - perhaps with your counselor - about how you hope to handle things if your child is born with a disability. Hope for the best but be prepared so that you don't go into analysis paralysis or fall back on bad behaviors and dysfunctional attitudes if it happens. Your disabled, premature, or medically frail child will need you to be on your A-game. Rise to the challenge whether you need to or not.

7) Drop your time-wasting habits. If you are used to watching an hour of TV a night, or if your phone says you spend 3h per day on it, maybe dial back in preparation for a time when these filler activities are no longer in the budget. One of the most dysfunctional things a new parent can do is feel like they are still entitled to their time-wasting activities when they aren't getting enough sleep and when their SO sees they are not doing their half of the work*. It's even worse when one person is depriving the other of sleep! That's the highway to fight city. (*Note: neither of you will do your half of the work)

8) Set up a baby registry and let family, friends, neighbors, and co-workers know about it.

9) Expect to feel social isolation. Try to keep up your social life through the pregnancy, and then let people know they are welcome to come over for visits with the newborn. You won't feel like reaching out to them, so directly let them know you expect them to reach out to you.

10) DO NOT accept ANY information about your baby's health from social media. Social media is a 100% INVALID source for info on vaccines, childhood illnesses, diet, developmental milestones, or really anything else. Maybe there's some truth out there, but so what? The landscape is a minefield of misinformation, and you might not recognize it all. Parents are literally harming their kids based on clickbait from "influencers". Trust your pediatrician, your public health office, and legitimate books such as those endorsed by the American Academy of Pediatrics. Likewise, friends, religious leaders, celebrities, Dr. Fucking Oz, neighbors, podcasters, and lots of other people without "pediatrician," "OB-GYN," or "child psychologist" on their business cards will have opinions on technical subjects and you should just nod your head, say "that's nice," and ignore it. Even among those who do have the business cards, maybe consider factors like where they went to school, whether they earn their money helping patients or selling media, whether their views are consensus, etc.

11) Commit now to certain values. Examples: We will not have an "electronic babysitter" for our kid. We will not feed our kid processed foods or junk foods. We will not spank. We will read to them every night it is possible to do so, even if we don't feel great. We will contribute 1% of our salary to their 529. We are an exercising family despite having a baby, etc. With our young one, we started reading two bedtime stories per night before they were 1. That little ritual made them an absolute bookworm, who at age 8 has been knocking out 400-500 pages of youth literature a day this summer. Similarly we committed to healthy foods and have an extremely healthy and athletic kid. However we failed to commit to the value of minimizing screen time, so now that adventures like family bike rides are possible, it's hard to tear them away from Roblox. You lie in the bed you make, and your kid will mimic both your good habits and your bad habits!

12) Obviously, if you smoke or have a drinking habit, NOW is the time to stop. It may take years to extinguish these behaviors but the outcome will be a healthier child and a stronger family. Engage with a counselor now, not after years of failing. Expect setbacks, but GET IT DONE.

13) Consider starting to try for a kid now, especially if you think you might want 2. The process could take a while, so think about how you will approach "advanced maternal age", which is only 35. After this point, the risk of complications and birth defects increases at a significantly faster pace. If you might want 2 or 3 kids and each pregnancy is 2-3 years apart, and you're not starting for a while... time will run out before you know it.

14) Get on a daycare waiting list late in the pregnancy. Shop around. Facilities with no TV are usually the best. The established scientific consensus is that early childhood education boosts academic scores later in life, so consider that when one parent decides after the birth that they want to stay home. In our case, the urge to have a stay-at-home parent was tempered by this knowledge, and by the fact that quality childcare is relatively cheap where we live.

Aardvark

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #17 on: July 08, 2022, 02:36:14 PM »
I am so grateful for the time and effort being put into this!
Going to share with a bunch of friends!
:D

MoneyTree

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #18 on: July 08, 2022, 05:34:37 PM »
I also opted not to open any 529 plan as I value the flexibility of being able to spend the money on non-educational expenses.

College is not the only path to a successful life. Who knows what value a college education will have in 14 years, when my daughter will be at the age to go to college? I went to college and then graduate school, and I can say without a doubt that I've learned more from Youtube and from the MMM blog and forum than I ever did through any university curriculum. Not to say that class learnings are the only learnings you get from college, there is plenty you learn just from being in the environment and through the relationships you form, but that's true of other experiences as well.

I'll pile on to all the advice to be prepared to adjust your plans and expectations. Your timeline(s) will likely end up being different than your expectations. Being a parent has been simultaneously much harder than expected and also more satisfying than expected.

I agree with the assessment that if you have the means, you will probably end up more willing to just throw money at problems to fix them, as being a new parent will deplete much of the energy, desire, and mental fortitude to deal with things otherwise.

Oh, and the tax credits are nice =)

StashingAway

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #19 on: July 09, 2022, 01:24:59 PM »

4) Read quality books on parenting. Spoiler alert: much of what you think you know is not scientifically supported. Also see #10.


Any favorites you have?

marion10

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #20 on: July 09, 2022, 08:01:08 PM »
If at all possible, adjust your budget so that you can live on one income. When we bought our house, we bought one that was “ less” than we could afford on paper. When my daughter was born and my company refused to let me work part- time, it was easy to resign. When she was 18 months old, I went back to work part time. Because he had a less expensive house, we had breathing room.

charis

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #21 on: July 09, 2022, 08:39:41 PM »
If at all possible, adjust your budget so that you can live on one income. When we bought our house, we bought one that was “ less” than we could afford on paper. When my daughter was born and my company refused to let me work part- time, it was easy to resign. When she was 18 months old, I went back to work part time. Because he had a less expensive house, we had breathing room.

+1

We always budgeted for one income - the lower one. I can't imagine worrying about how to pay the bills if either lost our jobs.

Radagast

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #22 on: July 10, 2022, 02:22:47 PM »
https://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2014/03/19/make-it-big/ (or before you have kids).

Be in excellent mental and physical health. Cure knee pain, athletes foot, anything that will be a continuing annoyance affecting your energy, and that you won't have time to cure later. Eliminate all addictions, including electronic devices. Any mental issues, even shallow ones, will be exasperated by a baby. Babies are fun and stressful in ways you can't predict, so don't try to, but you can ameliorate the affects of future stress.

Learn to cook 30 very easy tasty dishes that can easily be eaten by someone with no teeth who ingests food picked up with two tiny fingers. Ideally such that you can cook a big batch for everyone. We were not prepared in this area, and most of our cooking was too spicy, too chewy, and too time consuming. Example: grilled fish and frozen peas in light soy sauce. Easy, no choking hazard. My greatest was a desperate moment I had only frozen mixed vegetables, and noticed a heel of wheat bread. Too chewy? I tore up the bread, added it and the vegetables in a saucer with milk, topped with cheese, and had instant microwave casserole. Baby loved it, and it seemed at least as good and probably better than whatever I was eating.

Update your resume. Three years after you have a baby, the last thing you want to spend time and mind on is recalling and parsing what you did the last six years if you want a new job.

Get rid of all your stuff. Stuff takes time and energy you will not have. Time to start purging. Don't take it easy on your stuff either.

mavendrill

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #23 on: July 11, 2022, 12:07:02 PM »
This one isn't useful in advanced, but keep an updated plan of whose going to cancel work for sick kids / misc.  Young kids are sick a ton, group childcare and schools don't take sick kids, and do not be the parent who gives cough medicine and Tylenol before taking a sick kid to school to try and get a half day work in before the school notices.  Assume you will need to take care of a sick kid for 5-10 days per year through elementary school regardless of backup plans. Be ready and have already discussed with your partner who is going to cancel in which scenarios.



joemandadman189

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #24 on: July 11, 2022, 01:30:38 PM »
We have a 6 & 4 y/o. I will echo getting your financial house in order - no silly debt, set up contributions to be automatic

Day care is way more expensive than you think it is, we peaked around $36k per year for two (2)

Don't waste money on swim classes for infants or even toddlers, maybe at 3 to 4 it starts to kinda make sense

Consider your home's location in relation to your work (or potential future work options) and day care first and then elementary school. we love our home and its close to work and daycare but a 15 mile round trip to elementary school. Commuting takes time. 

simplify, simplify, simplify

have conversations about who does what, who will stay home when kids are sick, who will do drop offs and pick ups, who will watch kids when there are days off school.

Don't over schedule kids, maybe like one activity a day, allow for lots of free play time, and get outside in the dirt

Try to relax, be present and enjoy the ride. Raising kids may be the most important job you ever have/do. I remind myself of this often


CNM

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #25 on: July 11, 2022, 01:56:46 PM »
In my experience, the first kid is the most difficult.  Everyone is adjusting to a new way of life and there is an inundation of information.  The most important thing for me, as the mother, was realizing that I did not have to do *everything* to raise a happy and healthy baby.  A lot of stuff is totally optional. 

I'm talking about baby music classes, making all foods from scratch and with the purest ingredients, cloth diapering, baby massage, momma & me costumes, and all manner of things. 

Yes, these can be fun and beneficial but you are only one person. What is most important is taking care of yourself and the baby.  Everything extracurricular is just that: extra.  Give yourself a break and try not to feel guilty about not being the "perfect" Instagram parent. This shit is hard enough as it is!

Also- save some cash.  I have "good" health insurance but I still had to pay several thousand out of pocket per kid. And it is WAY better to have a liquid cash cushion to spend when you want to, whether it be on child care, extra supplies you didn't know you wanted (I'm look at you cooling nipple pads!), post-natal care & support, take out meals, housekeeping, or whatever.   

ChpBstrd

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #26 on: July 11, 2022, 02:28:21 PM »

4) Read quality books on parenting. Spoiler alert: much of what you think you know is not scientifically supported. Also see #10.


Any favorites you have?

Taking Care of Your Child; Pantell, Fries, & Vickery (all MDs)
The Whole-Brain Child; Siegel & Bryson
Simplicity Parenting; Payne & Ross

Dee_the_third

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #27 on: July 11, 2022, 03:56:55 PM »
Yes, these can be fun and beneficial but you are only one person. What is most important is taking care of yourself and the baby.  Everything extracurricular is just that: extra.  Give yourself a break and try not to feel guilty about not being the "perfect" Instagram parent. This shit is hard enough as it is!

Ooh, yes. After some wicked post-partum depression I decided that hell with it, the baby could eat crackers and peanut butter for lunch occasionally, because the alternative is that mom is an anxious wreck trying to feed only pastured meats and organic, locally sourced vegetables cooked from total scratch every meal (and then inevitably getting really frustrated when he decides he's not hungry). One of the hypotheses for why anxiety and suicidal ideation in young kids is going up is that parents aren't taking care of their own mental health and their kids are affected. Embrace 'good enough', your kids will be fine.

cupcakes4all

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #28 on: July 11, 2022, 05:06:27 PM »
Get as much stuff used as you can - cribs, swings, strollers, toys, etc.. A lot of it is made to last a lot longer than needed due to safety reasons and you'll end up with a lot of stuff. Most people are happy to get rid of things they don't need once they are done. Obviously look out for recalls, expiration dates, and safety concerns around used carseats. If you plan ahead you can keep an eye out for things you want like name brand strollers and stuff. I'm burnt out on trying to get rid of baby things that I frequenly just dump stuff for free on CL and give it to the 1st person who can come get it. TLDR - Don't buy new!

Also be sure to have good insurance. My 4 year old just needed emergency surgery and multiple days in the hospital. Thankfully we are very well covered but the bill was v surprising.

lutorm

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #29 on: July 13, 2022, 01:07:13 AM »
Lots of good stuff here.

Something to consider, you can't in most cases just decide "let's have a baby in 9 months" and drop birth control and have it happen.
The corollary to this is: don't wait until your optimal time to start trying to have a kid, that practically makes it certain it will be later. If you start a year or so earlier, you at least have some hope of splitting the difference (assuming there are no dramatic life changes that you are waiting for, obviously.)

It worked out OK for us but everything really took a couple years longer than we thought, and with hindsight it would really have been better to have gotten started earlier. Especially so since according to your plan, the mother would be 37 when you start trying for #2. It starts getting harder to conceive, and the pregnancy get harder on the mother, as you get closer to 40.

chemistk

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #30 on: July 13, 2022, 06:00:24 AM »
Not going to add anything newl save for two things -

@ChpBstrd's list is excellent, but I will add an "**" to #11 - sometimes, you have to let the kids do something you committed to not doing. When these situations arise, don't stress over it, and don't beat yourself up over it. I've seen (including in my own parenting experience) people get way, way too hard on themselves for letting their kid have something in the heat of the moment that they otherwise wouldn't have.

But more importantly and somewhat ironically - other parents can be some of the most vicious, cruel, cutthroat human beings on the planet. Parenting makes you vulnerable - your body (men and women) is full of hormones that naturally wouldn't be floating around in the same proportions. You're stressed. You're sleep deprived. You're unsure of every single thing that's happening. You could have had the best counseling and the best preparation. You could have read the right books, spent a year with your therapist preparing, and had confirmation from the best doctors that everything's going right.

And nothing will cut you down faster than another parent who's experiencing the exact same things passing judgement on you over something you chose to do or to not do.

Like we all say with driving in bad weather - "It's not me I'm worried about, it's the other people on the road". So many other parents aren't emotionally ready to be parents (ask me how I know), and the easiest target to take out all that fear and frustration on is another equally vulnerable other who happens to be going through the exact same thing.

« Last Edit: July 13, 2022, 07:15:14 AM by chemistk »

LightTripper

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #31 on: July 13, 2022, 06:39:12 AM »
I will try not to repeat too much of the excellent advice above (but will inevitably repeat some of it!)

  • Babies and toddlers actually need crazily little "stuff" and as others have said you don't need a nursery for the first 6 months.
  • You will be really really tired for the first year (or two or three - depending on how your kid sleeps!) - so if you can go the extra mile on earning and getting good systems in place for managing your household and finances, that will really help when/if kids arrive.  Similarly, if you can boost your earnings by working harder now, that may pay off down the line.
  • Having said that, learning skills like delegation is really valuable.  I finally learned to delegate properly and not micro-manage (or at least, not as badly!) after I had kids and really wished I had done it sooner as it would have freed up more time to do fun stuff pre-kids :)
  • You will get offered lots of second hand stuff.  You may not need all of it - though I always felt slightly obliged that if somebody was giving me something useful (e.g. a crib/buggy) I probably ought to take the stacks of old clothes/toys/books offered even if I didn't really need them.  Not sure if that was right or not - but it's worth figuring out what you will do with surplus stuff (e.g. find some good local goodwill stores or projects to help families in need) where you can donate any good quality surplus.
  • Join a pre-natal group when/if you do get pregnant - it's a bit "luck of the draw" but we have great friends from our NCT group and one of the babies ended up being our DD's best friend still today age 8.
  • Don't go too crazy on the baby development books.  This is something I actually did well on.  My eldest turned out to be autistic and it is FINE and I am so happy that I didn't waste her babyhood agonising over it (I did enough of that when she hit toddlerhood and other people started pointing out something was different and it was a total waste of time).
  • If you have more than one kid, you will probably expect to have a better idea what you are doing the second time, but in my experience this is only true to a limited extent.  Looking after a baby when you already have a toddler is a very different kettle of fish - and kids are so different to each other that you may well find entirely new challenges and joys with a second one!
  • For the same reason, don't get too smug about the perfection of your offspring.  That's something you can just enjoy and share with each other :)   But however great they are, it probably has a limited amount to do with your amazing parenting skills and more to do with your amazing genes and a good dollop of luck.
  • Although I agree it's probably worth discussing some hypotheticals around birth plans and breastfeeding and childcare and disability with your OH to make sure you are roughly on the same page, you also need to be prepared (as others have said but it bears repeating) that once you get there you and your OH might surprise yourselves and each other.
  • When your kids get a bit older, just be aware how strongly and easily habits can form.  E.g. early on I decided not to always buy souvenirs/visit gift shops when we were out and about, and not to buy bits of tat from the supermarket check-out.  My kids to still of course love and buy bits of tat and souvenirs etc. but it's not expected, it's a treat that happens now and then (or on holiday now they are older - 5 and 8 - we give them each a small budget for a memento or two).  I do sometimes see other kids who expect to be bought something every time they enter a shop and even leaving the cost  to one side (which probably isn't that much), the amount of crap that you can end up bringing home and quickly consigning to landfill is pretty depressing, so it's worth thinking about what habits you do and don't want to establish in advance.
  • Finally, in my view (and my kids are still fairly small so take with a pinch of salt) a big part of happy family life is absolutely minimising your expectations of who your child will be, and just finding absolute joy in finding out WHO THEY ARE rather than trying to actively shape that.  When you find what they love, give them all the support they need to pursue that thing - even if it's not what you imagined or hoped for.  Much better to have a kid who is a happy plumber or gardener or whatever than a miserable doctor or whatever other aspirations middle-class parents tend to have for their kids.  In any case, I always think the best chance for even material "success" is to have the confidence and energy to pursue your passions - even if they are things that don't seem the most likely to generate material rewards.  So often I seem to see parents butting heads with their kids because they had too strong an opinion of who their child would be/grow into.  It is never a child's job to fulfill their parents' dreams.

Good luck: it's a real adventure and sometimes exhausting but very fun!


tyrannostache

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #32 on: July 13, 2022, 08:33:34 PM »
One thing to add, since I haven't seen anyone else mention this: it can be a lifesaver have a plan in place to take care of your wife both physically and mentally after she gives birth.

I wish I'd had an actual counselor in place after my first child was born. The checklist you do during your postpartum OB visits really aren't a substitute for having an actual mental health care professional. Line that up and have a few sessions done before the due date, because you will probably be too tired/overwhelmed to do it afterwards. If you end up not needing it, great! If you do, it can make a world of difference.

It's easy for parents--especially new parents--to get laser-focused on the baby's well-being and forget how much care and support they need. With my first baby, I thought I was experiencing a normal amount of anxiety and stress. It was not normal; it was post-partum depression/anxiety, and I didn't even realize how bad it was until it went away on its own about 11 months later. I was able to look back with clear eyes and realize how distorted my emotions and my thinking had become. Men can get it, too. 

Joel

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #33 on: July 13, 2022, 11:03:43 PM »
Sleep. Get lots of sleep now.

Signed, 33yo parent of 4yo and 1yo.

use2betrix

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #34 on: July 14, 2022, 08:38:57 AM »
I am 34 and my wife is 29. We started dating when she was 18 & I was 23. We have an 11 month old daughter. Our life circumstances are different than many, which I’ll outline a bit below. This may not be all relative to you, but could help others.

1. I worked as a contractor my whole career (still do) moving around the country from major construction projects (usually lasting 6 months to two years). Because of this, my wife has never really worked. I made enough money that we did plenty fine and since I worked long hours, her ability to do everything ‘else’ made our lives much more enjoyable when I had free time.

2. Because of #1, when we had our daughter, child care has never been a thought because my wife was already a stay at home spouse. The cost of childcare at this point in our lives would be a near non-issue now because of my income. That aside, I couldn’t imagine putting her in child care. I understand we are fortunate, but I really love that my wife spends all day bonding with her (plus, my wife needed the company lol). It also seems that kids in daycare are always sick (based on friends and family with kids in daycare). They bring that home to their parents and other kids. Maybe it’s good for their immune systems? Not sure, but my daughter hasn’t had so much as a cold or any type of illness yet. I may be off and it’s something that could be harder down the road, but it sure has been nice.

3. Like others said, if you really plan to wait, I would HIGHLY suggest that you both go have physical exams focusing on fertility. I would suggest a sperm analysis for the husband, and a general checkup for the wife (she likely gets annuals anyways). While this isn’t a guarantee, it could catch any issues early on. About 3 years ago my wife was late on her monthly cycle, although being on birth control. We weren’t “ready” for kids per our discussions, but when that happened, we both got really really excited. Although she ended up not being pregnant, we made the point then for her to go off birth control and then “whatever happens, happens.” That was a sign we were ready. After a year of nothing, we started researching and planning a bit more. Timing her ovulation, etc. We made the commitment to go see a specialist in January 2021 if she wasn’t pregnant by then. Fortunately, with all the research, planning, etc., she became pregnant November 2021. It was a very hard year prior of hopes/disappointments in the struggles. I’ll never forget we were out of state for my best friends wedding, hoping she was pregnant, and we were out boating when she realized she wasn’t. She kept a strong face but broke down when we were alone. That was tough.

4. If you can, make sure you have enough money saved that things like diapers, clothes, etc., don’t feel like a huge burden. Setting up a nursery can be done relatively cheap. I make a ton (1%) of money, and we still went cheap on most everything she will grow out of. The only things we didn’t skimp on were: Stroller, Car Seat, Bike Trailer, bottles (and anything else regarding her safety/health). Clothes, bassinet, dresser, toys, etc., we all went cheap on and it’s been just fine.

5. Ensure your own diet/exercise/physical health is in check. My wife and I were always very physically fit, and maintained it throughout pregnancy and now into our daughters first year. I feel that it’s been a big benefit. I think that it also really helped my wife’s pregnancy. Diet is also a huge part of this. We are pretty OCD about our diets/weight, so my wife kept her weight gain just in line with the recommended guidelines. She ate a LOT more healthy food, but didn’t overdo it with tons of crap. She started at about 112 lbs (she’s 5’ tall), and gave birth to a perfectly healthy baby after gaining about 28 lbs. Within a few months she was back to around 120ish where she hovered for quite some time, and is now back to 113. She is still breastfeeding 100% so she eats a TON more since she’s still eating for herself and for food for our daughter. She looks great, feels great, and eats tons of healthy food.

6. In general, we found pregnancy and parenting to be easy (again a big help that my wife is a SAHM). We have also did a lot of leg work and had a lot of discipline on our end before/during pregnancy that helped the process as a whole. We may have a 2nd child if I come onto my current job as a full time employee (currently a contractor). If not, we’ll likely take a year long sabbatical next year and just stay with the 1!

yachi

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #35 on: July 14, 2022, 10:42:47 AM »
1) You cannot start a 529 account at the moment the child is born because it takes...

If you really wanted to, you can start one in your own name with your own social security number, and then transfer it to your child when you have their social security number, but I don't really see that benefit.


Dee_the_third

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #36 on: July 15, 2022, 12:05:47 PM »
Oh, something else I forgot.

Get your wills & living trusts in place. At a bare minimum make sure the beneficiaries on your retirement accounts are up to date. We paid a lawyer to do it. This is triply important if your relationship is anything other than marriage between cis individuals. Your estate documents need to be ironclad, including medical power of attorney for each other. What you do not want is a situation where one's partner is unable to make medical decisions and you are in a legal fight with their family over who gets to make the decisions for them and/or your children. 

Buy life insurance. Take our a 1-million policy on BOTH parents, and discuss who you want to be physical guardians & financial manager for your kids in case of the untimely death or incapacitation of both partners.

https://www.whitecoatinvestor.com/how-to-buy-life-insurance/


YttriumNitrate

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #37 on: July 15, 2022, 12:13:02 PM »
1) You cannot start a 529 account at the moment the child is born because it takes...
If you really wanted to, you can start one in your own name with your own social security number, and then transfer it to your child when you have their social security number, but I don't really see that benefit.
That's exactly what I did. My state offers a 20% tax credit (not a measly deduction) on the first $5000 put into a 529 plan per year. I started maxing out this credit the year I got engaged -- four years before our first kid was born.

getsorted

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #38 on: July 15, 2022, 01:10:28 PM »
No plan survives first contact with the enemy, but: one book I wished I had read before my son was born was "Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child" (also published under the title "The Heart of Parenting") by John M. Gottman, of the Seattle Love Lab fame. Mostly because it deals with relational and emotional issues between parents and children that may stir up some feelings around your own parents and/or your spouse's parents. It had a big impact on how I relate to my son and while neither he nor I are perfect, we have a strong relationship and I feel that this book had a lot to do with it. A strong parent/child relationship is a worthy goal in its own right, but also... it circumvents a lot of discipline issues.

The most practical parenting book I read was "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. I read it when I was 18 and had my kid at 31, but I have been using the scripts and techniques in it on children and adults, including myself, all that time. Super useful, even when the kid was pre-verbal.

You can get a million books about every little parenting issue (and lots of them are great!), but these two really laid a foundation that I feel has served me well as a parent and maybe also as a person.

APBioSpartan

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #39 on: July 16, 2022, 10:04:17 AM »
My wife and I are in a similar situation: 30 years old, high income, and just had our first kid.  Here's my advice:

-Don't worry too much about planning.  Everything will change. 

Sincerely,
An obsessive planner

--

As others have mentioned, the fact that you are asking questions to prepare means that you are probably ready.  Don't worry too much about planning financially and just use the common sense skills that you have learned from this community.  My wife and I are very fortunate [we make ~300k/year], and it still absolutely BLOWS my mind how expensive kids are.  Example... daycare is about $1,700/month where we live and you pay for days that you don't use.  oof.  It really made me appreciate all of the hard work that we did before the kids arrived.  I.e., paid off all debts, purchased/financed a home, and saved a sizeable investment portfolio that will grow on it's own.  If anything, that is the financial advice that I would give. 

Anywho... best of luck to you and yours.  You will do great. 

roomtempmayo

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #40 on: July 16, 2022, 11:12:07 AM »
Lots of great advice above, and I'll underline that you don't need much baby stuff, and unless you're waiting on some major life transition, think about just starting to try now. 

I only have a couple things to add that I brainstormed while strollering our two and a half week old around the neighborhood this morning:

- If you own your home, make sure its essential systems are well maintained.  You don't want your dishwasher, laundry machines, or furnace on the fritz when you have an infant at home.  Make sure your roof is in good shape, and your basement isn't going to have water issues.  If you're going to tackle house projects, do it now.

- Fitness is important, but beyond strength and endurance, make sure you think about flexibility and mobility.  You hopefully won't need to run after your kid for 10 miles, but you'll likely want to be able to sit crosslegged on a hard floor for five minutes.

- If you're making housing choices, I think square feet are overrated, but proximity to parks, daycare, the pool, the elementary school, the bike path, etcetera, are not.

- You're going to have to manage your space more deliberately.  Start purging your junk now.  I built some big shelving units for our basement, and I wish I had build several more.  The war on stuff is never-ending.

Good luck!

LightTripper

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #41 on: July 19, 2022, 06:24:05 AM »
Just to add to the wills/trusts point - that is very important, and needs to include who will look after your kids if you both die, and (if you are financially able) aligning your will to be able to finance that.  I'm sure the details are jurisdiction-specific and I'm in the UK - but worth looking into before any babies arrive, as it's reassuring to be prepared for the worst.

Hula Hoop

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #42 on: July 19, 2022, 06:46:44 AM »
  • Finally, in my view (and my kids are still fairly small so take with a pinch of salt) a big part of happy family life is absolutely minimising your expectations of who your child will be, and just finding absolute joy in finding out WHO THEY ARE rather than trying to actively shape that.  When you find what they love, give them all the support they need to pursue that thing - even if it's not what you imagined or hoped for.  Much better to have a kid who is a happy plumber or gardener or whatever than a miserable doctor or whatever other aspirations middle-class parents tend to have for their kids.  In any case, I always think the best chance for even material "success" is to have the confidence and energy to pursue your passions - even if they are things that don't seem the most likely to generate material rewards.  So often I seem to see parents butting heads with their kids because they had too strong an opinion of who their child would be/grow into.  It is never a child's job to fulfill their parents' dreams.

This x1000!  So much misery is caused by parents not really looking at their kids as individuals but instead as reflections of themselves - their hopes, dreams, egos etc. You need to let that go as soon as you have a child.  Expose them to lots of experiences but drop things that they don't enjoy and support things that they do enjoy.  Even if an interest seems impractical - such as music or art, pursuing these areas while doing a day job can lead to a lifetime of enjoyment.  Or it may even lead to an enjoyable career.  Same with their personalities.  Trying to force kids into a certain mold just leads to resentment.  From a baby and kid perspective, this also means letting go of competition about early walking, early reading, getting good grades, speaking multiple languages and playing the violin at age 4.  None of this is important - and is just a way for parents to be competitive with eachother.

We have slightly older kids - 14 and 10.  From my perspective, I'm not sure if I agree that staying home with little kids should be the big priority.  Our kids went to full time daycare from around age 1 while we both worked full time and it worked well for them and for us.  For a variety of reasons, my husband is currently a stay at home dad and it's great having someone always home and available at this age.  Our older one has a learning difference (ADHD) so my husband has been providing a lot of coaching and support.  He also takes her various appointments.  Younger one is just reaching an age where she can be somewhat independent but she'll be coming home for lunch a few days a week from middle school so having someone at home to cook and eat lunch with her is nice.  I was a latchkey child at their ages and I can see how comforting it is to them to have someone to talk to every day after school and there are always practical things to be done (swimming lessons, social occasions, doctor's appointments, cooking and cleaning etc.)

I agree with others here that it's a great idea to travel pre-kids if that's your thing.  We both love to travel and it can be challenging with little kids or even with older kids.  We love art and history but it's really difficult dragging kids around museums and churches to look at art.  At the same time, it can be fun travelling with kids as local people in many cultures love kids and open up more when they meet parents of little kids.  We've had great experiences travelling around Italy (where we live), Europe and also Asia.
« Last Edit: July 19, 2022, 06:48:39 AM by Hula Hoop »

Malossi792

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #43 on: July 20, 2022, 12:20:09 AM »
Didn't read all the replies, so may be beating a dead horse here, but you that thing you (would) love to do?
DO IT NOW. Do it so much you get sick of it.
You stop being the person you are the moment the child is born. In the not-so-romantic way, too.
From then on, you're going to be someone's parent, and then nobody cares about your desires for years. Forget the dreams about grandparents helping with childcare, that was a big slap in the face for me (expected a lot based on family / life experience, got almost literally nothing for the diaper years when it would have been the most important). They're probably still working anyway. Plan to rely exclusively on each other with your SO and treat any help like the gift from (whatever deity you believe in) it is.
Takes a village to raise a child, except there's no village anymore.
Speaking of your SO, work on the relationship in advance, divorce rates go waaay up after (the first 2) children are born, for a reason. Very sad, but true. Ignore this at your own peril! Each of you may need help with mental health during / after pregnancy, don't be shy to ask for help from qualified professionals for they may be your saving grace. Watch each other for red flags.
Hope this is a false alarm, please consider yourself lucky if so.

Metalcat

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #44 on: July 20, 2022, 04:21:37 AM »
First and foremost, get your mental and physical health on point.

Your children will only be as happy and healthy as you are, and truly, nothing matters more. So if your lifestyle isn't producing a happy and healthy set of parents, look closely at it and get that sorted.


clarkfan1979

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #45 on: July 31, 2022, 01:24:20 PM »
My wife and I have 1 kid (5 years old). It was very easy.

I think kids are much more difficult when you have two working professionals.

My only advice would be to quit your professional jobs and get jobs more compatible with having kids.

If you can't quit, is it possible to work part-time when the kid is born?

joemandadman189

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #46 on: August 01, 2022, 11:34:14 AM »
My wife and I have 1 kid (5 years old). It was very easy.

I think kids are much more difficult when you have two working professionals.

My only advice would be to quit your professional jobs and get jobs more compatible with having kids.

If you can't quit, is it possible to work part-time when the kid is born?

This is interesting advice/observations

i would say going from 1 to 2 kids was 4x the amount of work (our kids are 6 & 4)
DW and i both work full time in consulting/professional type jobs (civil engineer and accountant) and its awful - we have not time for anything
We are considering one of us go part time soon-ish to manage kid drop offs, sick days, no school days, errands, cooking, some cleaning, house maintenance
we haven't really considered one of us quitting - unless we blow up the status quo and move to a LCOL area

Dee_the_third

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #47 on: August 01, 2022, 12:33:24 PM »
My wife and I have 1 kid (5 years old). It was very easy.

I think kids are much more difficult when you have two working professionals.

My only advice would be to quit your professional jobs and get jobs more compatible with having kids.

If you can't quit, is it possible to work part-time when the kid is born?

Eeeeeh. My partner and I both have extremely flexible, white-collar jobs and having a kid is quite difficult logistically, emotionally, mentally, you name it. I have family members that quite their job to be full-time SAH parents, and 'easy' is not how they would describe their experience. Sometimes it works out as easy but I wouldn't generalize those experiences, nor expect them.

patchyfacialhair

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #48 on: August 01, 2022, 12:59:59 PM »
I'd say it's a combo of kid temperament and job stress/flexibilty. We have chill kids and flexible jobs so we're able to make it work. Some folks aren't as lucky, you never know what you're going to get with kids.

Metalcat

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Re: How to prepare for kids (well in advance)
« Reply #49 on: August 02, 2022, 07:18:33 AM »
I'd say it's a combo of kid temperament and job stress/flexibilty. We have chill kids and flexible jobs so we're able to make it work. Some folks aren't as lucky, you never know what you're going to get with kids.

Truth. I don't have kids but I am a decade older than my baby brother and my mom was a single mom, so I've done a lot of parenting in my time, and some kids are MUCH harder than others.

My brother is a large part of why I don't want kids, and my mom has said many times that if she had him first, I wouldn't exist.

He was A LOT of fun, but also required A LOT of energy, and sometimes pushed us past our limits of coping. We often say he's lucky he survived his childhood. It was kind of like living with a cross between an evil genius and a wild animal.