Author Topic: How to make a new friendship moustachian-friendly  (Read 4275 times)

Verdandi

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How to make a new friendship moustachian-friendly
« on: November 12, 2015, 07:57:39 AM »
Hello senior moustachians,

I'm currently wondering about a moustachian topic, and would love to read your experiences and thoughts.
So I moved to a new city some months ago. My current situation is a moustachian dream. I can bike to work, it is totally acceptable to bring your lunch and the rent is much cheaper than in my old city. Plus, the city is big enough for a nice cultural life, has a stunning old town and many more advantages.
I've been on the quest of finding new friends here over the last months, and have done pretty well *yay* there is also one girl whom I feel I could connect with very well, and we've been meeting several times for girls' night out. Now she suggested we have a double date and go to a restaurant with her husband and my boyfriend. The problem: she suggested to go to a nice steak restaurant, that will cost at least 25 per person. I love steak and I love restaurants, but it just bothers me that we could easily meet at home, I could make the same meal and it would cost maybe 30 for the 4 of us (steak, baked potato, sour cream, salad, bottle of wine). I decided to go this one time and to just enjoy it, but I'm thinking about how I could change that in the future.
In my old city, I gradually persuaded my friends to cook at home and to sports together for free, go for a walk, for a free museum and so on. But it took some time and it was easier because my old city was so expensive.
As I don't know what their motivation here is to visit restaurants so frequently as this girl and her husband apparently do. But I don't want to build a friendship around spending huge amounts at restaurants or bars and we all can cook well.

So what would you do? Just plain tell her I'm saving money to invest or to buy a house and  therefore decided restaurants are for special occasions only? Suggest an alternative every time a restaurant visit is the plan? Go to the restaurants and just order soup every time?
I really like to build a friendship, but need a plan not to let it ruin my finances.

Any ideas?

lthenderson

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Re: How to make a new friendship moustachian-friendly
« Reply #1 on: November 12, 2015, 08:01:19 AM »
If it was me in your shoes, I would go to the restaurant enjoy. When it was time to reciprocate, I would invite them over to my place for a nice steak dinner with all the fixings and hopefully they would enjoy it more and want to continue it. It my experience, telling people you wish to save rather than spend time with them gets you uninvited to future events.

Verdandi

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Re: How to make a new friendship moustachian-friendly
« Reply #2 on: November 12, 2015, 08:04:14 AM »
hmm you might be right about that.

pbkmaine

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Re: How to make a new friendship moustachian-friendly
« Reply #3 on: November 12, 2015, 08:06:31 AM »
I have a few friends who hate to cook. I always suggest that I cook and they bring the wine.

norabird

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Re: How to make a new friendship moustachian-friendly
« Reply #4 on: November 12, 2015, 08:07:33 AM »
I think offering to host them for dinner instead would be great.

The_path_less_taken

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Re: How to make a new friendship moustachian-friendly
« Reply #5 on: November 12, 2015, 08:24:14 AM »
If it was me in your shoes, I would go to the restaurant enjoy. When it was time to reciprocate, I would invite them over to my place for a nice steak dinner with all the fixings and hopefully they would enjoy it more and want to continue it. It my experience, telling people you wish to save rather than spend time with them gets you uninvited to future events.


Probably this.

Although I'd feel perfectly comfortable mentioning: "This is really a treat for me: I'm saving for a new barn so all my extra pennies go into the construction fund. I could make this at home for a fraction of the cost, so I don't go out to restaurants as much as I used to....but I do like to go to comedy clubs or concerts or whatever. And I'm a huge fan of the free stuff like...."

elaine amj

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Re: How to make a new friendship moustachian-friendly
« Reply #6 on: November 12, 2015, 08:48:26 AM »
I usually just invite my friends over for dinner. Or out for a walk. Or to play tennis. Or to a free event. I just end up putting more of an effort into making the suggestions and planning the get togethers. Sometimes I see a great groupon and contact my friends and ask them if they want to go in together on a great deal.

You can do a lot of that without appearing too much of a cheapskate. Or making them feel like you are prioritizing saving over spending time with them.

It can be hard though. We don't see as much of a pair of close friends as we'd like. They go out for dinner every Sunday night and for a while, we went with them until we decided it was just costing us too much. So we started turning down the invites. They still invite us every few months or so but know that we typically say "no". Unfortunately, their daughter has severe allergies so they only come to our house 2-3 times a year as we have a dog (she chooses to enjoy our big parties and suffer the next day) and we can't go to their house at all. So every 2-3 months, we try to get together somewhere else to play tennis, go for a walk, attend a local event. It does suck and I know both our families would like to see each other more often.

2ndTimer

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Re: How to make a new friendship moustachian-friendly
« Reply #7 on: November 12, 2015, 10:46:10 AM »
I agree with the folks who said accept the steak restaurant invitation then invite them to your house for the next get together.  I bet they will quickly get the idea

Verdandi

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Re: How to make a new friendship moustachian-friendly
« Reply #8 on: November 12, 2015, 01:34:28 PM »
I will, thanks for your input guys!
It seems I will spend a lot of time in the kitchen over next years though ;) last weekend we had family here and I made a lamb roast on saturday and a red wine risotto on sunday.
Luckily I have access to a wholesale market,  this has been a huge money saver over the last years.

moneyandmillennials

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Re: How to make a new friendship moustachian-friendly
« Reply #9 on: November 12, 2015, 11:27:45 PM »
friends see hard to come by. if you really feel a connection and you can afford it, go.

maybe don't order alcohol or dessert, say you are full.

then the weeks after dinner, keep mentioning how you are saving and start asking her to do cheap things. she will get the hint.

DeltaBond

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Re: How to make a new friendship moustachian-friendly
« Reply #10 on: November 13, 2015, 04:50:16 AM »
My experience says this:  Go the one time, have fun, but avoid every talking about money.  Not all friends can do that, just like not all friends can talk about all kinds of other difficult topics.  I have friends that I NEVER talk about politics with, or abortion... until you know someone for years and you are comfortable saying your thing without them running off, I would just not ever bring it up.

Money is not the same kind of topic as religion or politics, its more personal, and therefore harder to discuss it without putting your personal spin on it and making someone who doesn't feel the same way about it feel as though you're lecturing them.  If you want this new friendship to last, invite them to either a meal at your house or non-food activities that are more in your comfort zone WITHOUT pointing out the cheapness of them, or freeness.

I'd also like to add that a lot of people who go out to nice restaurants are viewing it as a form of entertainment when they don't really go out to other forms of entertainment much.  So look at that as part of what they're paying for, it might also help their marriage to go out on dates like that, etc.  So hold off on how you view or comment on the activities of others, they may have a very emotional reason for it that will cause them to take offense.
« Last Edit: November 13, 2015, 05:13:36 AM by DeltaBond »

Imonaboat

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Re: How to make a new friendship moustachian-friendly
« Reply #11 on: November 13, 2015, 05:55:20 AM »
I think there should be a case for just being up front an honest. All this round about manipulation will just complicate things and will ensure that it's on your mind and bugging you when you should be relaxing with friends and having fun. When they eventually find out that you don't spend like that they may even feel guilty about pressuring you into it, even though you never gave them the option to adjust.

I think you should just tell them, "I love your company, but I'm not big on fancy restaurants. How would you feel about a meal at home or a get together at the park?" This may also pique enough interest and open the door for further discussions at their pace.

DeltaBond

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Re: How to make a new friendship moustachian-friendly
« Reply #12 on: November 13, 2015, 06:23:51 AM »
Its not manipulation to just not discuss money, and instead invite people to other things.  Even if money weren't the reason, not everyone even likes the same thing.  Not manipulation at all.

KisKis

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Re: How to make a new friendship moustachian-friendly
« Reply #13 on: November 13, 2015, 06:42:30 AM »
Now that I am in my 30s, I actually prefer friends who are more financially responsible rather than the crazy, outgoing, entertaining people I enjoyed in college (not that people who are more financially responsible can't be outgoing and entertaining, too, but that's a harder cross-section to encounter, especially if you add "crazy" in the mix).  Usually in my first few conversations with new people, I will throw out some sort of financial test topic like mentioning the stock market or grocery shopping sales.  If they have nothing to contribute there, then I usually don't pursue any deeper friendship and keep them as casual acquaintances.  If they are interested or have knowledge about those topics, then I talk about how I prefer house parties instead of going out to eat, and that conversation usually leads to inviting them over sometime for dinner and game night.  Then you get a little house party circuit going, and it's better for everyone's budget.  It works pretty well for me. 

   

Doubleh

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Re: How to make a new friendship moustachian-friendly
« Reply #14 on: November 13, 2015, 06:55:43 AM »
Looks like you need to read this classic article:

http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2012/07/22/protecting-your-money-mustache-from-spendy-friends/

The gist of this is:

1. don't sweat too much spending on a steak restaurant this once. Frequently repeated costs, even small ones, are much more significant that occasional costs, even relatively large ones. Go out, enjoy spending time with new friends and don't worry about it.

2. Most people are followers; they go to restaurants as that's the default. If you make a plan almost certainly they will go along with it. By all means talk about money if you want but there's no need to. You don't have to say "i want to do something cheap", just plan something inexpensive like a walk or dinner at yours - job done. No need to explain or justify your choice.

If they do suggest spendy things, you can also use other arguments like "i love being outdoors, lets go for a walk" or make a point of getting them to show you around the new area

Verdandi

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Re: How to make a new friendship moustachian-friendly
« Reply #15 on: November 13, 2015, 12:46:38 PM »
I guess I just have to get to know her better.

It seems to really be the default Option for evening entertainment, so I will suggest an alternative next time and see how it goes. We already discussed money a little bit and she seemed to have smilar views as I have, but not to be as strict. I take that as a good sign :)