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Learning, Sharing, and Teaching => Ask a Mustachian => Topic started by: StacheyStache on August 17, 2016, 11:40:37 AM

Title: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: StacheyStache on August 17, 2016, 11:40:37 AM
TL;DR, Boyfriend and I recently moved into a tiny 700 square foot apartment together.  Boyfriend has 10-15 storage crates of his hand made costumes cluttering the apartment that have each only been worn once and will likely never be worn again, he already has a small storage unit and can’t afford a bigger one, he refuses to give away donate sell or toss the costumes and says they’re sentimental and here to stay.  The apartment looks horrific and I can’t live like this.  Suggestions?

Longer version:  My boyfriend and I recently made the Mustachian decision to move in together into a smallish 700 square foot one bedroom apartment together.  Though he is not at all on the FIRE or Mustache train with me, we agreed that both sharing rent and utilities and sacrificing on space will save us a boatload of money, plus we were ready and wanting to move in together anyway.  So far the transition has been...less than smooth.  I love him but I do not love his pile o' stuff. 

I wouldn’t call myself a minimalist by any standards.  I know I have more clothes and shoes than I need as well as a junk drawer in my top dresser filled with old letters, school things, sentimental stuff.  But my stuff can all fit and be put away neatly in the closet, in my dresser, where it’s supposed to go.  My boyfriend brought his own dresser when he moved in and I share the closet with him equally, the kitchen is more than big enough for both our dishes and appliances, even the stuff we have duplicates of.  But the apartment is full to bursting with his costumes.

Boyfriend is a tailor and a side hobby of his (unfortunately not a side hustle...read on), is making costumes for conventions for himself and his friends.  When I first heard about this I saw potential for an enormously profitable side hustle...until I found out he doesn't charge his friends a dime for the vast majority of his work and in fact loses tons of money on materials for the costumes, which prior to us moving in together were all kept at his place as his friends "didn't have the storage space" for the costumes he made them.  Multiple conventions a year, multiple costumes for each day of each convention, for multiple people.  He’s been doing this for about a decade (in his thirties now) and to my knowledge has kept every single costume. 

The result is about 10-15 storage CRATES of just costumes alone.  Packed under the bed (except for a tiny 1x1 space I insisted he leave available for the cat who likes to hide under the bed during thunderstorms), packed in our outdoor porch storage closet, packed in a corner of our bedroom, packed in our dining area (the table is now unusable as it’s filled with his stuff), packed on his bookshelf, packed on the top shelf of our closet, packed everywhere.  These costumes have not seen the light of day since they were worn ONCE at the conventions they were made for years ago.  They now exist only to clutter (he keeps saying he ‘might need them someday’ but admitted that ‘some day’ has never come over the last 10 years, the costumes are only worn once and then he makes new ones for the next convention). 

He already has a small storage unit to store EVEN MORE of these crates and he really can’t afford a bigger one (and in my opinion shouldn't be wasting money on even a small one but I've mostly kept my mouth shut about that).  The vast majority of them are scattered around our apartment. 

As soon as it became clear he had no intention of pairing down any of this I said oh HELL NO and tried to come up with some sort of solution.  He says he doesn’t want to throw away hours and hours of his work and that the costumes are sentimental.  If this was a matter of sacrificing a few of my dresser drawers for his sentimental items I would gladly do so but this amount is unsustainable in this apartment.   He’s hogging not only all the storage space but also spaces that weren’t meant for storage at all like the dining area table.  So I asked him, instead of throwing them away, to give the costumes away to the friends that wore them and only keep the ones he made for himself.  I thought this was a great solution as they’d be out of our place but wouldn’t be thrown away.  He said that his friends didn’t want them and didn’t have space for them (at which point I said “AND WE DO??”  Allegedly his friends live in even tinier spaces than we do).  Then I suggested selling them.  No go as apparently they’re custom fitted and would never fit anyone else.  Then I suggested donating them.  “Who would want them??”  So finally I asked him to come up with a suggestion and he simply said ‘we keep them, I don’t mind, I don’t like a lot of empty space in the apartment anyway.’  *headdesk headdesk HEADDESK.* 

I'm at a loss for what to do.  This is already spiraling out of control and only getting worse.  He's going to another convention soon and has six more costumes planned for that (and his materials, sewing equipment etc are currently spread out all over the living room).  I shudder to think what the place will look like a few years from now.

I want to nip this in the bud before it gets worse.  Suggestions?
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: mskyle on August 17, 2016, 11:49:25 AM
Storage unit, for your sanity. You have a packrat SO. You want to continue to live with him but not his space-intensive hobby. A storage unit is cheaper than a bigger place, and much cheaper than continuing to have your own apartments.

Or, you say he is a tailor - does he have a professional workspace? Could he keep (or even display!) the stuff there?

Aside from the immediate practical solution, though, this is really important information about your relationship: you guys agreed to move into this small space together but apparently you didn't really think through the logistics - you apparently didn't know about all his stuff or you didn't think he would bring it; he apparently thought that 15 crates of costumes was an acceptable amount of stuff for a 700 sqft apartment. You guys seem to have different ways of looking at your living space, which is totally workable *if* you can learn to talk about it.

So finally I asked him to come up with a suggestion and he simply said ‘we keep them, I don’t mind, I don’t like a lot of empty space in the apartment anyway.’  *headdesk headdesk HEADDESK.* 

This is where you need to say, "I *DO* like empty space in the apartment, and I need you to do something about this FOR ME."
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: StacheyStache on August 17, 2016, 12:00:45 PM
Storage unit, for your sanity. You have a packrat SO. You want to continue to live with him but not his space-intensive hobby. A storage unit is cheaper than a bigger place, and much cheaper than continuing to have your own apartments.

Or, you say he is a tailor - does he have a professional workspace? Could he keep (or even display!) the stuff there?

Aside from the immediate practical solution, though, this is really important information about your relationship: you guys agreed to move into this small space together but apparently you didn't really think through the logistics - you apparently didn't know about all his stuff or you didn't think he would bring it; he apparently thought that 15 crates of costumes was an acceptable amount of stuff for a 700 sqft apartment. You guys seem to have different ways of looking at your living space, which is totally workable *if* you can learn to talk about it.

So finally I asked him to come up with a suggestion and he simply said ‘we keep them, I don’t mind, I don’t like a lot of empty space in the apartment anyway.’  *headdesk headdesk HEADDESK.* 

This is where you need to say, "I *DO* like empty space in the apartment, and I need you to do something about this FOR ME."

He's already got a storage unit, it's not big enough.  The next size up is a lot more expensive and he doesn't make a lot of money (and spends $$$$ on this hobby since he refuses to charge anyone for his work).  I suggested charging a little for the costumes to pay for the storage unit and bring some extra income in and maybe even setting up a little side hustle as he is incredibly talented and could easily sell his costumes, but he refuses to charge his friends and doesn't seem interested in turning the hobby into a business.  EDIT:  Now that I think about it he has made a couple of casual remarks that he might be interested in having a business some day, but I don't think he knows how to go about getting clients.  He's kind of shy and doesn't really like to put himself out there.  I think he'd rather just keep making them for himself and his friends.

He's a tailor for a big retail store.  No go on displaying his stuff there or keeping it at his (super tiny I've seen pics) work station. 

Yeah I take responsibility for not talking to him about this prior to moving in.  I didn't realize the extent of it as we spent most nights at my place since he had roommates and I didn't.  Lesson learned.

Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: Captain FIRE on August 17, 2016, 12:09:57 PM
Invite his friends over for dinner.  During dinner (eaten on laps at the couch?), mention that you are storing X boxes of costumes for friends, of which Y costumes are theirs, for which clearly you have no space.  Would they like them or should you donate/sell them?  (If you are lucky they will express shock you are holding onto costumes they can't fit anyways.  Maybe that's another way to do it - invite everyone over to see what still fits - and then give them the ones that do and sell/donate the ones that don't.)

Do his friends even realize how much he's spent on the materials for their costumes (aside from the personal tailoring)?  Do they do other things for him, even if they don't pay for the costumes?  He has to make the decision to charge his friends costs though, this one doesn't impact you in the same way as the apartment does, but you could do something like keep track of how much it costs him to make up this new batch so he sees how much it is annually.

The real issue is that you moved in without agreement on what would happen with these costumes.  Unless you get agreement, I'd suggest separate apartments once the lease runs out.  You need him to understand why it stresses you out and that you need a solution or this arrangement is not sustainable for you.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: honeybbq on August 17, 2016, 12:11:40 PM
Either the costumes go or you go. Up to him.

(or he gets a bigger storage unit, or he sells some of them to afford an extra unit, or, etc etc).
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: StacheyStache on August 17, 2016, 12:20:48 PM
Invite his friends over for dinner.  During dinner (eaten on laps at the couch?), mention that you are storing X boxes of costumes for friends, of which Y costumes are theirs, for which clearly you have no space.  Would they like them or should you donate/sell them?  (If you are lucky they will express shock you are holding onto costumes they can't fit anyways.  Maybe that's another way to do it - invite everyone over to see what still fits - and then give them the ones that do and sell/donate the ones that don't.)

Do his friends even realize how much he's spent on the materials for their costumes (aside from the personal tailoring)?  Do they do other things for him, even if they don't pay for the costumes?  He has to make the decision to charge his friends costs though, this one doesn't impact you in the same way as the apartment does, but you could do something like keep track of how much it costs him to make up this new batch so he sees how much it is annually.

The real issue is that you moved in without agreement on what would happen with these costumes.  Unless you get agreement, I'd suggest separate apartments once the lease runs out.  You need him to understand why it stresses you out and that you need a solution or this arrangement is not sustainable for you.

Ugh just thinking about inviting people over to this mess has me embarrassed.  And you're not too far off with eating on laps on the couch, we now eat on the coffee table in the living room (after he does his nightly clear off of the fabric and sewing stuff he's working on for the upcoming convention). 

Most of his friends are out of state and he only really gets to see them at these conventions.  That's why I don't want him to stop going to them or making costumes all together, I just don't see why he has to make all of their costumes plus his and why there has to be so many of them.  There has to be some kind of compromise here.  And no his friends do very very little for him, which I pointed out to him.  I think he's being taken advantage of but he quickly dismisses this and tells me how poor they are (a combination of bad choices and anti mustachianism in my opinion, but they're his friends so...)
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: StacheyStache on August 17, 2016, 12:23:34 PM
Either the costumes go or you go. Up to him.

(or he gets a bigger storage unit, or he sells some of them to afford an extra unit, or, etc etc).

It's not that serious yet.  It's got the potential to become that serious though, which is why I want to nip it in the bud now. 
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: BFGirl on August 17, 2016, 12:39:49 PM
Either the costumes go or you go. Up to him.

(or he gets a bigger storage unit, or he sells some of them to afford an extra unit, or, etc etc).

It's not that serious yet.  It's got the potential to become that serious though, which is why I want to nip it in the bud now.

You are probably going to have to find a compromise solution, either in a bigger place or a storage unit. If the costumes bother you so much, then maybe you should chip in for a larger storage unit for him.   It sounds like his hobby is very important to him and this is something the two of you will need to deal with if you plan on a long term relationship.  Although I do get rid of stuff I've made, sometimes I have to hold onto it for a bit before I am ready.  If he is anything like me, his creativity is a large part of who he is.  And creativity can take up space.  I have an entire game room dedicated to my craft (which is also a side hustle).

There isn't anything inherently wrong in his behaviors that you need to "nip it in the bud", but the two of you will need to agree on some compromises that make the situation livable for you both.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: MrsDinero on August 17, 2016, 12:44:13 PM
Probably not the most mustacian suggestion, but can you upgrade to a 2 apartment and let him have the second room for his hobby? 

Also now that you are living together the two of you should have an honest discussion about finances, physical space, his hobby, and how much you are willing to support his hobby.  Also how much you are willing to support him and his hobby.

If I'm reading between the lines correctly he is living almost paycheck to paycheck to support his hobby, which is clearly very important to him.  how much of the financial slack are you willing to pick up, should the two of you decide to get married.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: RetiredAt63 on August 17, 2016, 12:52:13 PM
Really this is a question for Captain Awkward.  https://captainawkward.com/ (https://captainawkward.com/)

Seriously. Just write everything you have written here, including replies to comments.  Amazing pool of wisdom on relationships over there.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: Miss Piggy on August 17, 2016, 12:55:33 PM
You say the next size up for a storage unit is a LOT more expensive than what he's currently renting. What about renting two of the small spaces?
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: StacheyStache on August 17, 2016, 01:01:30 PM
Probably not the most mustacian suggestion, but can you upgrade to a 2 apartment and let him have the second room for his hobby? 

Also now that you are living together the two of you should have an honest discussion about finances, physical space, his hobby, and how much you are willing to support his hobby.  Also how much you are willing to support him and his hobby.

If I'm reading between the lines correctly he is living almost paycheck to paycheck to support his hobby, which is clearly very important to him.  how much of the financial slack are you willing to pick up, should the two of you decide to get married.

You would be spot on with your between the line reading.  I recently switched jobs for a raise (and to escape a tough job situation I posted about previously) and while not raking it in by any means I'm now making twice what he makes (think 50k vs. 25k).  We're paying bills proportional to this income split, meaning I'm already paying about twice what he pays.  We can't afford a two bedroom apartment though unless it was either in a somewhat scary area or I took on about 80% of the cost (while we don't live in quite a HCOL yet, it's quickly becoming that way thanks to the twelve million articles that have come out about what a wonderful place this is to travel to and live in....I hate those articles so much, rent and housing prices are skyrocketing).  We did discuss a two bedroom though and both agreed it was out of the question financially.  I will pay for more of the bills but I will not pay for his hobby and I don't want to be on the hook for more than my fair share of bills to give him enough space for his hobby.  He understands that.

To his credit he has cut back a lot in the spendy pants department.  He used to be a frequent smoker and quit when I told him I would absolutely not move in with a smoker when we first discussed moving in together.  That was about six months ago and he hasn't touched a cigarette since.  He used to eat a lot of fast food but now that I'm cooking most meals (no problem doing this, I love it and I'm good at it), he happily chips in for groceries and eats my cheaper healthier and tastier cooking.  We've discussed carpooling to work since my new job puts me a couple of blocks away from his.  Really other than this he rarely spends on himself.  This is really the only thing he has so I'm hesitant to do much foot putting down here...but it's so incredibly expensive and space sucking it's been hard to resist the urge for the foot to slam down. 
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: BFGirl on August 17, 2016, 01:05:34 PM
Probably not the most mustacian suggestion, but can you upgrade to a 2 apartment and let him have the second room for his hobby? 

Also now that you are living together the two of you should have an honest discussion about finances, physical space, his hobby, and how much you are willing to support his hobby.  Also how much you are willing to support him and his hobby.

If I'm reading between the lines correctly he is living almost paycheck to paycheck to support his hobby, which is clearly very important to him.  how much of the financial slack are you willing to pick up, should the two of you decide to get married.

You would be spot on with your between the line reading.  I recently switched jobs for a raise (and to escape a tough job situation I posted about previously) and while not raking it in by any means I'm now making twice what he makes (think 50k vs. 25k).  We're paying bills proportional to this income split, meaning I'm already paying about twice what he pays.  We can't afford a two bedroom apartment though unless it was either in a somewhat scary area or I took on about 80% of the cost (while we don't live in quite a HCOL yet, it's quickly becoming that way thanks to the twelve million articles that have come out about what a wonderful place this is to travel to and live in....I hate those articles so much, rent and housing prices are skyrocketing).  We did discuss a two bedroom though and both agreed it was out of the question financially.  I will pay for more of the bills but I will not pay for his hobby and I don't want to be on the hook for more than my fair share of bills to give him enough space for his hobby.  He understands that.

To his credit he has cut back a lot in the spendy pants department.  He used to be a frequent smoker and quit when I told him I would absolutely not move in with a smoker when we first discussed moving in together.  That was about six months ago and he hasn't touched a cigarette since.  He used to eat a lot of fast food but now that I'm cooking most meals (no problem doing this, I love it and I'm good at it), he happily chips in for groceries and eats my cheaper healthier and tastier cooking.  We've discussed carpooling to work since my new job puts me a couple of blocks away from his.  Really other than this he rarely spends on himself.  This is really the only thing he has so I'm hesitant to do much foot putting down here...but it's so incredibly expensive and space sucking it's been hard to resist the urge for the foot to slam down.

I think it is great that you are leading him to less spendypants and healthier ways.  It is also great that you respect his hobby and are hesitant to "put your foot down".  A lot of problems can arise if one SO tries to change the other SO rather than respecting who that person is and the pursuits that make that person happy and fulfilled.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: ysette9 on August 17, 2016, 01:16:49 PM
Quote
    Either the costumes go or you go. Up to him.

    (or he gets a bigger storage unit, or he sells some of them to afford an extra unit, or, etc etc).


It's not that serious yet.  It's got the potential to become that serious though, which is why I want to nip it in the bud now. 

Just reading your post and imagining the state of your apartment is stressing me out! Then again, this is your life and not mine. From my perspective it seems like you have a disconnect in values more than a lack-of-space problem. He values his hobby to the point that he is making major financial sacrifices for it. He chooses not to monetize his skills. He lets his friends (in your opinion) take advantage of him. This is who he is and if that doesn't sit well with you then it seems to me like you are just going to continue butting heads. Say a 2nd bedroom magically materialized in your apartment; do you think that he would confine his costumes to just that area or would he eventually take over the apartment again? Wouldn't you still find yourself irritated that he spends so much time and money making things for ungrateful friends that then end up as more junk in YOUR home? Would you grow resentful that he wasn't using that time and energy to build a side business and bring in more money or at least be better respected?

I don't have answers but if I were in your shoes, I would live separately until more things got sorted out. I think you may have been blindsided by the allure of saving money by living together and didn't give proper consideration to what that really means logistically. Good luck.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: StacheyStache on August 17, 2016, 01:27:14 PM
Quote
    Either the costumes go or you go. Up to him.

    (or he gets a bigger storage unit, or he sells some of them to afford an extra unit, or, etc etc).


It's not that serious yet.  It's got the potential to become that serious though, which is why I want to nip it in the bud now. 

Just reading your post and imagining the state of your apartment is stressing me out! Then again, this is your life and not mine. From my perspective it seems like you have a disconnect in values more than a lack-of-space problem. He values his hobby to the point that he is making major financial sacrifices for it. He chooses not to monetize his skills. He lets his friends (in your opinion) take advantage of him. This is who he is and if that doesn't sit well with you then it seems to me like you are just going to continue butting heads. Say a 2nd bedroom magically materialized in your apartment; do you think that he would confine his costumes to just that area or would he eventually take over the apartment again? Wouldn't you still find yourself irritated that he spends so much time and money making things for ungrateful friends that then end up as more junk in YOUR home? Would you grow resentful that he wasn't using that time and energy to build a side business and bring in more money or at least be better respected?

I don't have answers but if I were in your shoes, I would live separately until more things got sorted out. I think you may have been blindsided by the allure of saving money by living together and didn't give proper consideration to what that really means logistically. Good luck.

Oh yeah it's really bad I don't mean to minimize (yuk yuk) that.  And I'm also looking towards the future and seeing how bad this can potentially get....I just clarified with him that I was wrong about the 6 costumes for the upcoming convention.  That's just for ONE of the 'day' group cosplays.  There are apparently also 'night' costumes that are less elaborate than the day costumes  and he's planning on making those too, he just hasn't gotten the materials yet.  This costume making will apparently go on for the rest of the month (though he has stopped spreading his stuff out on the floor for the most part since my kitty started attacking his patterns).  I am NOT looking forward to this and it has to be sorted out, there has to be a compromise.  I'm thinking that after this convention is over we're going to have a long talk about how many costumes are reasonable per year and keeping his workspace confined to a smaller area until we're in a situation where we can afford a bigger apartment or a house (which is the ultimate goal if US News stops yapping about how great this place is).
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: StacheyStache on August 17, 2016, 01:41:45 PM
Probably not the most mustacian suggestion, but can you upgrade to a 2 apartment and let him have the second room for his hobby? 

Also now that you are living together the two of you should have an honest discussion about finances, physical space, his hobby, and how much you are willing to support his hobby.  Also how much you are willing to support him and his hobby.

If I'm reading between the lines correctly he is living almost paycheck to paycheck to support his hobby, which is clearly very important to him.  how much of the financial slack are you willing to pick up, should the two of you decide to get married.

You would be spot on with your between the line reading.  I recently switched jobs for a raise (and to escape a tough job situation I posted about previously) and while not raking it in by any means I'm now making twice what he makes (think 50k vs. 25k).  We're paying bills proportional to this income split, meaning I'm already paying about twice what he pays.  We can't afford a two bedroom apartment though unless it was either in a somewhat scary area or I took on about 80% of the cost (while we don't live in quite a HCOL yet, it's quickly becoming that way thanks to the twelve million articles that have come out about what a wonderful place this is to travel to and live in....I hate those articles so much, rent and housing prices are skyrocketing).  We did discuss a two bedroom though and both agreed it was out of the question financially.  I will pay for more of the bills but I will not pay for his hobby and I don't want to be on the hook for more than my fair share of bills to give him enough space for his hobby.  He understands that.

To his credit he has cut back a lot in the spendy pants department.  He used to be a frequent smoker and quit when I told him I would absolutely not move in with a smoker when we first discussed moving in together.  That was about six months ago and he hasn't touched a cigarette since.  He used to eat a lot of fast food but now that I'm cooking most meals (no problem doing this, I love it and I'm good at it), he happily chips in for groceries and eats my cheaper healthier and tastier cooking.  We've discussed carpooling to work since my new job puts me a couple of blocks away from his.  Really other than this he rarely spends on himself.  This is really the only thing he has so I'm hesitant to do much foot putting down here...but it's so incredibly expensive and space sucking it's been hard to resist the urge for the foot to slam down.

I think it is great that you are leading him to less spendypants and healthier ways.  It is also great that you respect his hobby and are hesitant to "put your foot down".  A lot of problems can arise if one SO tries to change the other SO rather than respecting who that person is and the pursuits that make that person happy and fulfilled.

Thanks, I had a pretty easy time with easing him into more Mustachian habits even if he's not full on Mustachian (and thinks I'm a bit silly about it).  We knew each other for a long time before we got together and he always knew smoking was a deal breaker for me and it was something he wanted to quit for himself anyway.  As for the fast food habit I just constantly made delicious home cooked food available, packed him lunches and filled him up so he wasn't hungry for McNasty burritos.  After awhile he felt guilty about not contributing for groceries so I suggested he come shopping with me and split the bill for dinner stuff.  We had a lot of fun grocery shopping together and he realized this whole cooking thing was way better than eating fast food for every meal.  Awhile back he took me to a Waffle House and after a few bites made a face and said "your breakfasts are so much better."  I knew I'd won then without even fighting a battle.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: MrsDinero on August 17, 2016, 01:43:00 PM
Probably not the most mustacian suggestion, but can you upgrade to a 2 apartment and let him have the second room for his hobby? 

Also now that you are living together the two of you should have an honest discussion about finances, physical space, his hobby, and how much you are willing to support his hobby.  Also how much you are willing to support him and his hobby.

If I'm reading between the lines correctly he is living almost paycheck to paycheck to support his hobby, which is clearly very important to him.  how much of the financial slack are you willing to pick up, should the two of you decide to get married.

You would be spot on with your between the line reading.  I recently switched jobs for a raise (and to escape a tough job situation I posted about previously) and while not raking it in by any means I'm now making twice what he makes (think 50k vs. 25k).  We're paying bills proportional to this income split, meaning I'm already paying about twice what he pays.  We can't afford a two bedroom apartment though unless it was either in a somewhat scary area or I took on about 80% of the cost (while we don't live in quite a HCOL yet, it's quickly becoming that way thanks to the twelve million articles that have come out about what a wonderful place this is to travel to and live in....I hate those articles so much, rent and housing prices are skyrocketing).  We did discuss a two bedroom though and both agreed it was out of the question financially.  I will pay for more of the bills but I will not pay for his hobby and I don't want to be on the hook for more than my fair share of bills to give him enough space for his hobby.  He understands that.

To his credit he has cut back a lot in the spendy pants department.  He used to be a frequent smoker and quit when I told him I would absolutely not move in with a smoker when we first discussed moving in together.  That was about six months ago and he hasn't touched a cigarette since.  He used to eat a lot of fast food but now that I'm cooking most meals (no problem doing this, I love it and I'm good at it), he happily chips in for groceries and eats my cheaper healthier and tastier cooking.  We've discussed carpooling to work since my new job puts me a couple of blocks away from his.  Really other than this he rarely spends on himself.  This is really the only thing he has so I'm hesitant to do much foot putting down here...but it's so incredibly expensive and space sucking it's been hard to resist the urge for the foot to slam down.

Here's the thing.  If you are picking up more than 50% of the bills then you ARE contributing to his hobby. 

I've never been to those type conventions but I work with people who have been going for years and most of them this is the ONLY thing they spend money on.  I don't think there is anything wrong with that.  Most of them are happy to live way below their means to be able to spend the money on costumes, tickets, etc. That is ok.

When it becomes "not ok" is when it starts impacting other people around them.  I would say you have 3 main problems

1)  You are not splitting costs 50/50.
Both of you should write up a budget that excludes his hobby.  This should include all shared expenses.  After that you and your SO will have exact numbers on how much he last left over for his hobby.  Most likely it will be an eye-opener.

2)  Your SO is storing costumes for his friends. 
This is ok as long as it was only impacting him.  now that it is impacting you, he should contact his friends and send them their costumes.  If they don't have space that is not your or your SO's problem because you don't have space either. 

3) Your SO has an expensive hobby.  It sounds like he is starting to come around to charging for his time and creativity, but isn't there yet.  Once you come up with a budget and he sees how much he has left over, he might come around to charging his friends, at a minimum, for material cost.  If he doesn't want to charge for his time/labor costs, that is is up to him, however he should be the one drawing the line when it comes to impacting both of yours financial stability.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: Slee_stack on August 17, 2016, 01:55:11 PM
The idea of paying for storage for stuff that never gets used would drive me bonkers.


You mention you have a cat.

On any given day, I imagine its possible that one of these costume crates could accidentally be left open.

On the same given day, its also possible you might forget to put out or refill the catbox.


As they say, sometimes shit just happens.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: StacheyStache on August 17, 2016, 02:19:39 PM
Probably not the most mustacian suggestion, but can you upgrade to a 2 apartment and let him have the second room for his hobby? 

Also now that you are living together the two of you should have an honest discussion about finances, physical space, his hobby, and how much you are willing to support his hobby.  Also how much you are willing to support him and his hobby.

If I'm reading between the lines correctly he is living almost paycheck to paycheck to support his hobby, which is clearly very important to him.  how much of the financial slack are you willing to pick up, should the two of you decide to get married.

You would be spot on with your between the line reading.  I recently switched jobs for a raise (and to escape a tough job situation I posted about previously) and while not raking it in by any means I'm now making twice what he makes (think 50k vs. 25k).  We're paying bills proportional to this income split, meaning I'm already paying about twice what he pays.  We can't afford a two bedroom apartment though unless it was either in a somewhat scary area or I took on about 80% of the cost (while we don't live in quite a HCOL yet, it's quickly becoming that way thanks to the twelve million articles that have come out about what a wonderful place this is to travel to and live in....I hate those articles so much, rent and housing prices are skyrocketing).  We did discuss a two bedroom though and both agreed it was out of the question financially.  I will pay for more of the bills but I will not pay for his hobby and I don't want to be on the hook for more than my fair share of bills to give him enough space for his hobby.  He understands that.

To his credit he has cut back a lot in the spendy pants department.  He used to be a frequent smoker and quit when I told him I would absolutely not move in with a smoker when we first discussed moving in together.  That was about six months ago and he hasn't touched a cigarette since.  He used to eat a lot of fast food but now that I'm cooking most meals (no problem doing this, I love it and I'm good at it), he happily chips in for groceries and eats my cheaper healthier and tastier cooking.  We've discussed carpooling to work since my new job puts me a couple of blocks away from his.  Really other than this he rarely spends on himself.  This is really the only thing he has so I'm hesitant to do much foot putting down here...but it's so incredibly expensive and space sucking it's been hard to resist the urge for the foot to slam down.

Here's the thing.  If you are picking up more than 50% of the bills then you ARE contributing to his hobby. 

I've never been to those type conventions but I work with people who have been going for years and most of them this is the ONLY thing they spend money on.  I don't think there is anything wrong with that.  Most of them are happy to live way below their means to be able to spend the money on costumes, tickets, etc. That is ok.

When it becomes "not ok" is when it starts impacting other people around them.  I would say you have 3 main problems

1)  You are not splitting costs 50/50.
Both of you should write up a budget that excludes his hobby.  This should include all shared expenses.  After that you and your SO will have exact numbers on how much he last left over for his hobby.  Most likely it will be an eye-opener.

2)  Your SO is storing costumes for his friends. 
This is ok as long as it was only impacting him.  now that it is impacting you, he should contact his friends and send them their costumes.  If they don't have space that is not your or your SO's problem because you don't have space either. 

3) Your SO has an expensive hobby.  It sounds like he is starting to come around to charging for his time and creativity, but isn't there yet.  Once you come up with a budget and he sees how much he has left over, he might come around to charging his friends, at a minimum, for material cost.  If he doesn't want to charge for his time/labor costs, that is is up to him, however he should be the one drawing the line when it comes to impacting both of yours financial stability.

As for number 1, if we truly split rent and utilities 50/50 based on what we could afford one of four things would happen:  we'd either have one or even two roommates or we'd both have hour long commutes each way or he would have very little leftover for living expenses and savings or we'd be in a scary neighborhood.  None of those things are okay with me.  He nets about 1500 a month in income after taxes and health insurance. 

While he's okay with roommates and scaryish areas (his last place had frequent break ins both for the apartments and cars) because that's what he's used to, I'm not, so I pay more to live in a nicer area that he couldn't afford to split 50/50 and still contribute to his savings and live comfortably though not lavishly.  Our rent and utilities is 1500 per month and while it's nothing luxury, it's a good area and close to work for both of us.  Me paying 1000 and him paying 500 allows us both to save proportionate to our incomes (though I still save a lot more than he does as I both make more and have a profitable side hustle and my hobbies are things like reading and sports that I can play for free).  I really am okay with this arrangement with the stipulation that I don't pay even more for a two bedroom apartment or finance his hobby (or pay for a bigger storage unit.  The storage unit is his responsibility).  I think a cap on spending for his hobby though would go a long way.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: redbird on August 17, 2016, 02:40:45 PM
Option 1: Boyfriend sell costumes.
Option 2: Boyfriend give away costumes.
Option 3: Boyfriend get better paying job (and/or charge for making costumes for other people!) and get another storage unit.. This will only be a temporary fix, though, unless boyfriend quits the convention/costume hobby.

That is it. There are no other options... Well, technically there is 1 I guess...

Option 4: The crazy nuclear option of breaking up with the costume hoarding boyfriend.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: canuck_24 on August 17, 2016, 02:47:30 PM
Here's the thing.  If you are picking up more than 50% of the bills then you ARE contributing to his hobby. 

1)  You are not splitting costs 50/50.
Both of you should write up a budget that excludes his hobby.  This should include all shared expenses.  After that you and your SO will have exact numbers on how much he last left over for his hobby.  Most likely it will be an eye-opener.

While I do agree with a lot of the advice given in the responses on this post, I must say, I disagree a little with this part.  Both people are not earning equally, why would they split the costs 50/50?  While that is one way to divvy up living expenses, it is not the ONLY way.  Another way to split expenses is as follows: Person A earns 50k, Person B earns 25k (for simplicity, lets call that take home) - if both are working full time and have agreed on what quality of life they are willing to share (ie. living in the same apartment, eating at home together, etc) why not share expenses based on the same ratio?  Work out the budget for the shared expenses (as MrsD says), and then figure out what percentage you both need to contribute to meet that budget, for simplicity sake, lets call it 50%.  Say your combined expenses are about 35k.  Person A contributes 50% of their earnings (25k) and Person B contributes 50% of their earnings (12.5k).  Person A has a higher paying job and therefore they also maintain a higher individual account, banking 25k into their personal account, Person B winds up banking only 12.5k for their hobbies or personal savings.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: StacheyStache on August 17, 2016, 03:01:48 PM
Here's the thing.  If you are picking up more than 50% of the bills then you ARE contributing to his hobby. 

1)  You are not splitting costs 50/50.
Both of you should write up a budget that excludes his hobby.  This should include all shared expenses.  After that you and your SO will have exact numbers on how much he last left over for his hobby.  Most likely it will be an eye-opener.

While I do agree with a lot of the advice given in the responses on this post, I must say, I disagree a little with this part.  Both people are not earning equally, why would they split the costs 50/50?  While that is one way to divvy up living expenses, it is not the ONLY way.  Another way to split expenses is as follows: Person A earns 50k, Person B earns 25k (for simplicity, lets call that take home) - if both are working full time and have agreed on what quality of life they are willing to share (ie. living in the same apartment, eating at home together, etc) why not share expenses based on the same ratio?  Work out the budget for the shared expenses (as MrsD says), and then figure out what percentage you both need to contribute to meet that budget, for simplicity sake, lets call it 50%.  Say your combined expenses are about 35k.  Person A contributes 50% of their earnings (25k) and Person B contributes 50% of their earnings (12.5k).  Person A has a higher paying job and therefore they also maintain a higher individual account, banking 25k into their personal account, Person B winds up banking only 12.5k for their hobbies or personal savings.

Agreed and that's how we see it as well.  The difference in our incomes is much less of a problem than the amount of clutter his hobby accumulates.  It's unfortunate that he has such an expensive (and messy!) hobby and I think he'd benefit from a more Mustachian one, but until he starts coming up short on bills or racking up credit card debt I'm picking my battles. 
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: Bajadoc on August 17, 2016, 03:04:07 PM
Wear a different costume each night to bed and don't stop until he gets rid of some of that crap.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: nobody123 on August 17, 2016, 03:08:39 PM
I'd go full Brady Bunch and put masking tape on the floor in the proper storage areas that divides it up according to your expense sharing ratio.  Tell him that his crap needs to fit in the designated areas.  Withhold sex until he gets his act together.  Problem solved! 

Or, you could of course have "the cat" "accidentally" knock over a stack of the crates and onto something of his and break it, then say you're worried it might kill or injure the cat next time.  He wouldn't really want Mr. Whiskers to get hurt and rack up thousands of dollars in vet bills he can't afford, now would he?

There's nothing wrong with his hobby per se, and if his friends take advantage of his generosity that is his problem until it affects you (he can't pay for his share of the bills, you are married and it's shared money, etc.).  Having his hobby take over the majority of your living space affects you, so you're well within your rights to tell him to take care of the mess. 
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: StacheyStache on August 17, 2016, 03:09:23 PM
The idea of paying for storage for stuff that never gets used would drive me bonkers.


You mention you have a cat.

On any given day, I imagine its possible that one of these costume crates could accidentally be left open.

On the same given day, its also possible you might forget to put out or refill the catbox.


As they say, sometimes shit just happens.

Except I still don't think he'd get rid of them.  Then I'd just have crates of costumes that smell like cat pee!

He's careful not to leave his things where kitty can play with them.  Kitty has shredded more than one of his precious patterns and loves to roll around and shed on his fabric.  I think it's revenge for the crates cluttering up kitty's thunder sanctuary. 
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: StacheyStache on August 17, 2016, 03:19:32 PM
Wear a different costume each night to bed and don't stop until he gets rid of some of that crap.

hahahaha I LOVE this especially knowing what some of these costumes are. 

http://zeldawiki.org/images/thumb/9/98/MM3D_Happy_Mask_Salesman_Artwork.png/200px-MM3D_Happy_Mask_Salesman_Artwork.png

Complete with mask.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: Frankies Girl on August 17, 2016, 03:56:18 PM
See, he's not compromising. He's expecting you to do all the give and he takes 100% as far as this goes.

He has all of the typical hoarder excuses. The "sentimental" crap is classic hoarder mentality. It will only get worse unless he recognizes this and takes significant steps to get a handle on it. And you'll end up feeling trapped trying to take care of him and living in a horrible shithole mess. (BTDT - grew up with hoarders, so I'm not going to be real nice about this).

It won't get better unless he sees that this is irrational and takes positive action to stop the hoarding. It will only get worse if he refuses to do this.

Compromise would be he keeps his 10 favorite costumes he made for himself and get rid of one if he makes a new one, or he can have X amount of storage space in the apartment, or similar.

He's not budging on anything  - he's told you that. He wants to continue this hobby, spending lots of money he can't afford, and keeping these things forever without them being useful ever. He'll keep doing this even to the point of running up debt (he's already wasting money he doesn't have buying supplies and renting a storage unit!) and packing your shared living space so much that you'll never be able to have friends over or feel clean and comfortable in your space again.

What he needs to do is sell the costumes. There will be buyers out there if the price is right, despite his claim that they are custom; unless his friends are VERY unique (Third arm? Unusually tall or short or fat or thin? Still think they'll find an audience). And any further costume builds for friends need to have friends at minimum cover the costs of supplies and keep the damn things after.

If he wants to remember them, then taking a few really good photos of them (likely he already has this) and saving them in an album or displaying a few nicely framed collages of them on the wall is a MUCH better idea than hiding them away in boxes and them never seeing the light of day (this is classic hoarder behavior too - burying "important" things and hiding them away).

Since he won't wear them again, and doesn't have the space to store what will eventually become hundreds of costumes, what does he think will happen eventually? That you'll be okay living in a warren of boxes? That you should pay to buy him more space/rental units to store his junk? Seriously ask him this, because it would be interesting to hear what he has to say about this since he really can't afford a larger unit as it is.

By selling them, he can keep doing this hobby since it should be self-supporting, he'll be making other people happy by getting really nicely sewn costumes for cheaper than professionally made (if he prices them right). And you'll be happy because you'll get your apartment back, and that in turn will make him happy since you won't be upset with him and this thing of his won't become a huge issue in your relationship.

I would tell him if it was me, that he can have X amount of space but he has to get rid of anything that can't fit in said space. And if he is unable to do this, then you need to think about having him move out and seriously consider whether you want to be in a relationship with someone that puts material things ahead of relationships.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: Basenji on August 17, 2016, 04:03:19 PM
Edit: Frankies Girl beat me to it, so +1
I saw on "Hoarders" (my fave) an idea where he would get into each costume (or finds models) and takes high quality photos of each costume, 360°. Then he makes a website showcasing his designs. Then either sells, donates, or gets rid of them.

Good luck!
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: former player on August 17, 2016, 04:12:51 PM
Can he take the costumes to the conventions to sell?  That could be a way into a side-hustle - he could have some for sale and offer custom tailoring as well.   His friends could act as walking advertising for him in return for the costumes they are wearing.   Could you (or one of his friends?) offer to help him on the business side, as lack of knowledge/confidence on this may be what is holding him back, and having support plus a familiar and happy environment to set up his stall might get him started in business.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: marty998 on August 17, 2016, 04:32:24 PM
You need to locate the nearest kid who is having a fancy dress 18th / 21st party...
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: Shor on August 17, 2016, 04:32:58 PM
I hear a lot of nuclear options being tossed around, but I disagree.
Costumes can be adjusted and refitted to size. They can also be sold as-is for a bit cheaper (say half to 75% what it could make, depending on the work involved.)

I think your bf has a real talent in how much effort and motivation he is able to pour in to these costumes. That same energy can be redirected to modifying costumes, but it would be a huge request to ask him to handle the entire selling process on his own.
I think, if you do a bit of the talking and encouragement, you can get the process rolling on selling the costumes. If the bf can agree that you put forward the effort try to put them up for sale, that might be the push he needs to accept actually parting with them. A lot of times, people can just be overwhelmed by the amount of work, unknown number of steps that might be involved to tackle a large project like this. So you might have to do a lot of the business work side of it, and then keep him involved as things get rolling.

Selling the costumes involves a good bit of work on its own:
Pictures - not just the costume in a box, but modeled on someone, ideally posed. Plain, or even better, a creative background can really help make the costume pop and seem appealing. Some of his friends might be able to help out for modeling, even for free. You dress up in character, you like the attention, bonus in that they already know how to pose for it :D

Description - Itemized list of the complete costume that will be shipped. Sizing, determine how much work it would take to modify. Sometimes buyers might request for a size change, which would involve their measurements, and the bf determining how much effort it would take to rework the costume to make it work. Some things might be too much work, other things you might even charge a little bit more for modifications, or do small mods for free.

Price - Determine generally about how much it would cost, and how much it might go for. Naturally a more recent or character that's popular again  (think X-men movie just came out = lots more X-men costumes, or new Zelda game is out = people are on the lookout for retro Zelda costumes) might be higher priority to put up for sale than an obscure or generic game character

Organization - Bunch of costumes stuffed in boxes will end up being a nightmare trying to find costume X and prep it for shipping / figure out modding it. Sorting, organizing, maybe pre-wrapping the costumes will help a lot in keeping things organized. The lack of space is a real cap here because there's less room available for prepping, displaying, packing and keeping these separate. Also, a lot of times when customers contact you asking questions, they'll refer stupid vaguely to a costume and assume you know what they mean ("Oh I had a question about the Mario costume" "I have 4 different costumes, but they were all Zelda, which one were they referring to?"). Just part of the territory, it's helpful to know how to talk to customers to super clarify exactly what they want and not just what they're saying.

Sale contact: your bf might be too emotionally invested to talk about selling the costume with a stranger. This requires a little bit of work, a little bit of salesmanship. Sometimes customers have concerns, sometimes they want to negotiate on price. They might want resizing, but don't know their own measurements or how to take them, It can be a lot of work, and you'll be working with the bf on what is possible or not.

Customer relations: After sale, people will call back with questions, requests, they might have measured wrong, they might not like what they got. Some things you might be able to negotiate, other things you can say that the sale is final and won't accept a return. Other times a costume might get damaged with use and you can charge separate for repair (additional side business). Sometimes people will damage the costume and expect you to send them replacement pieces, like, what?

So.. that was a long type up. Nothing is 'unmodifiable', but it can be a good deal of work to sell them with any amount of success. It's not simple or easy, but a good team working together and communicating well can tackle even this. Now, the real question is, are any of these costumes any good, and how much would people pay for it?

You will eventually hit costumes that don't sell even after being posted a long time, have no appeal, and no chance of being popular again. Have some cutoff point for tossing these out and removing the listing. At the same time, some things will be up forever and then sell suddenly for no reason. It just took the right person seeing the listing, or finally getting enough money together to go through with the buy.
Sometimes you can tweak the listing, other times it's completely random. This is where running a business of making costumes completely differs from a business of selling off inventory. You already have a product that might or might not be appealing.
A costume making business, people usually have an idea in mind and the costume maker will go about putting it all together. There is some overlap, but you can charge way more to put a costume together for a person, selling a pre-made costume is more of a chance / luck thing that the viewer likes it.

Post write-up idea: A lot of conventions often have seller booths. Might it be possible to rent a space and try to sell costumes? This can have varying success, especially depending on the convention size, theme, interest. You'll still need a lot of time spent prepping, packing, and getting picture and description of the costume. The more professional you can make the booth seem, the better you can charge for the costumes (think costume business, and not garage sale "dig through a box"!).

Good luck!
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: mustachepungoeshere on August 17, 2016, 04:40:14 PM
It sounds like he won't sell the costumes, rather than can't, but if he's insisting that no-one would buy them individually, it might be worth looking into:

- selling them in bulk to a costume shop for re-sell/hire
- donating them to a school drama department
- donating them to an amateur theatre group (may not be used in their current state, but costume people are very skilled at cannibalising old pieces to make new costumes)

I understand how clutter can drain the peace and joy from your life and your home, and I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

You seem to be making progress with him in other areas, so I'm hoping he will come around on this one day. Eventually. In his own time...
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: StacheyStache on August 17, 2016, 04:43:59 PM
So we had somewhat of a talk.

He apologized for being so defensive about this. He said that I was right and he needed to compromise on this even if it was hard on him.  He admitted he does have somewhat hoarder tendencies and he wanted to help me more with saving for shared goals (house etc) so he needed to cut back on spending for the costumes anyway.  He also said that he will only go to one convention a year from now and that he will pair down the costumes, but doesn't want to talk about it anymore until after the convention next month.  He already made commitments to his friends about the costumes and most of the money is already spent (hotel tickets materials etc).  He looked so tired when I was talking to him, he's been staying up late after work and using all his time on his days off to work on these costumes (we went to a movie the other day and it was the most time we've spent together in weeks, unless you count me reading or watching TV in the same room as him on the sewing machine).  I think he's really been stressed out and bitten off a bit more than he can chew, with us moving and him making so many costumes all in the same month. 

I don't know if he really means it as to the pairing down after this next convention.  He looked so tired I didn't push it.  The convention is in a couple of weeks, I can stand the mess until then, but after it's done I'll see if he really means it and pairs down the costumes on his own without me nagging.  If not, we'll have to talk about this again.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: StacheyStache on August 17, 2016, 04:56:22 PM
I admit that I know absolutely zero about this business (I've cosplayed exactly once, mostly to try and impress him when we were in college 10 years ago), but I kind of get where he's coming from about how no one would buy them.  Maybe not all of them at least.  He does a lot of really obscure games that I've never heard of despite being a lifelong gamer and a lot of "original creations" like Pokemon costumes if Pokemon were humans, gender bent costumes (think female Link with male Zelda), stuff like that he and his friends dreamed up that always look amazing but I doubt there's a lot of demand for.  I certainly wouldn't be opposed to trying to help him though.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: Frankies Girl on August 17, 2016, 05:12:20 PM
I admit that I know absolutely zero about this business (I've cosplayed exactly once, mostly to try and impress him when we were in college 10 years ago), but I kind of get where he's coming from about how no one would buy them.  Maybe not all of them at least.  He does a lot of really obscure games that I've never heard of despite being a lifelong gamer and a lot of "original creations" like Pokemon costumes if Pokemon were humans, gender bent costumes (think female Link with male Zelda), stuff like that he and his friends dreamed up that always look amazing but I doubt there's a lot of demand for.  I certainly wouldn't be opposed to trying to help him though.

I'm not super into the scene, but I read things like Epbot (the geek love blog by the CakeWreck's creator Jen), and trust me, there are TONS of people that would be into obscure characters, gender-swapped characters, human crossovers... those are the ones that get the most requests for photo ops and lots of street cred at the cons. The more obscure and unique the better. Who wants to be the same thing that 3 dozen other people are wearing? Weird and unusual will absolutely sell if you got them out there in front of the folks that want to attend but aren't crafty enough to make their own costumes.



Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: Retire-Canada on August 17, 2016, 05:12:32 PM
If he needs until after this convention to make some changes that's fine. But once the event is over you need to get some commitments in writing and a schedule. You are about to find out if he is a hoarder or not. If he is it's a mental illness and unless you desire to be a hobby therapist he's going to need professional help.

If he is able to communicate, negotiate and make significant changes and stick with it then you are fine...although the pace of the changes may not be ideal.

In some ways this crisis is good. You'll come out of it knowing if he is worth the long term effort as a partner.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: mustachepungoeshere on August 17, 2016, 05:12:49 PM
I'm glad you guys are a step closer to a solution, and that he is starting to align his priorities with yours.

pairs down

This is intended gently.

*pares down / pared down / pare down.

You're obviously an intelligent woman, and I would hate for you to keep making this tiny error.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: StacheyStache on August 17, 2016, 05:17:52 PM
I'm glad you guys are a step closer to a solution, and that he is starting to align his priorities with yours.

pairs down

This is intended gently.

*pares down / pared down / pare down.

You're obviously an intelligent woman, and I would hate for you to keep making this tiny error.


Lol.  Yes.  Guilty.  Does it make it better or worse that I have an English degree?
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: Bee21 on August 17, 2016, 05:29:28 PM
I think he is moving forward. Let him do this convention and then discuss your future together, shared dreams/aims and what it takes to get there.

If you live in a small one Bdr you need to keep it neat and clutter free to make it comfortable. He can't compromise your comfort for the sake of keeping his friends stuff. Definitely get rid of the friends' stuff and keep a few special items. Photograph everything, put it in a portfolio, album, blog whatever and see if it generates interest. Even if he gets rid of them, having a portfolio showing what he is capable of doing will be helpful if he decides to build a business from his hobby.

And tell them to set those costumes free. They fulfilled their purpose, both from a creative and entertainment point of view and now they became just stuff which puts a strain on your relationship. Get rid of them to make space for other stuff.

I read somewhere that every home is just a giant garbage creating station and our prized possessions are in different stages of ' crapification'. My home is not the dumpster, so I find this quote helpful when deciding whether to keep or chuck something.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: Goldielocks on August 17, 2016, 05:33:05 PM
So we had somewhat of a talk.

I don't know if he really means it as to the pairing down after this next convention.  He looked so tired I didn't push it.  The convention is in a couple of weeks, I can stand the mess until then, but after it's done I'll see if he really means it and pairs down the costumes on his own without me nagging.  If not, we'll have to talk about this again.

Oh, the opportunity.

I would take out the costumes with him, have a fun evening together of laying them out / photographing and noting the condition of each, the current size.  You could put them on, even for the photos.

Then, I would print up a small book showing all of them as a sample of his work, and send him to the convention with the book.    He would probably love to show off his work to others, as they chat  (think 3x5 book size he can carry).

This may generate unsolicited offers to buy said costumes or orders for next year.

--------------------
Above all, do NOT try to dispose of the costumes yourself.   i did this to my DH's RC car, thinking it was junk (from his mom's house, which had a lot of junk from his early years.)....   It was rescued by him, and I still hear about it to this day.
----------------
I would try to get him to visualize how happy other people would be to have a chance to buy them off him, or just pay him to tailor /improve them for the new owner.  How they (the costumes) are unhappy to just sit in the dark...
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: Astatine on August 17, 2016, 09:16:15 PM
I have no suggestions, sorry. Just posting to follow.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: Kaikou on August 18, 2016, 04:45:25 AM
Read 1/2 of comments. Honestly this isn't sustainable long term. But as that is not helpful all i came up with was either a charity auction or gallery showing to raise money for a worthy cause. How about trying to get his own booth at the convention or coordinating a fashion show at the event for a worthy cause? It will get his name out  there and maybe recognition he needs to see how it is a worthy endeavor. If he is unwilling to do anything then I would move out to be honest.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: Harper on August 18, 2016, 06:58:54 AM
I love goldilocks suggestion. 

OP, I love the way you write.  I would totally read a blog you wrote.  Sorry you're going through this.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: mamagoose on August 18, 2016, 07:12:25 AM
So we had somewhat of a talk.

He apologized for being so defensive about this. He said that I was right and he needed to compromise on this even if it was hard on him.  He admitted he does have somewhat hoarder tendencies and he wanted to help me more with saving for shared goals (house etc) so he needed to cut back on spending for the costumes anyway.  He also said that he will only go to one convention a year from now and that he will pair down the costumes, but doesn't want to talk about it anymore until after the convention next month.  He already made commitments to his friends about the costumes and most of the money is already spent (hotel tickets materials etc).  He looked so tired when I was talking to him, he's been staying up late after work and using all his time on his days off to work on these costumes (we went to a movie the other day and it was the most time we've spent together in weeks, unless you count me reading or watching TV in the same room as him on the sewing machine).  I think he's really been stressed out and bitten off a bit more than he can chew, with us moving and him making so many costumes all in the same month. 

I don't know if he really means it as to the pairing down after this next convention.  He looked so tired I didn't push it.  The convention is in a couple of weeks, I can stand the mess until then, but after it's done I'll see if he really means it and pairs down the costumes on his own without me nagging.  If not, we'll have to talk about this again.

If you want this guy around for life, you could go the extra mile and join him in the costume making/selling business. Instead of sitting there doing your own thing while he sews, ask him to show you how to sew also. Learn enough to make your own costumes, start selling them and leading by example. Walk a mile in his shoes. Men bond by sitting & working side-by-side rather than face-to-face, and it would probably make him very happy to have a buddy making the costumes with him. Maybe you'll even like it! At least that way he'll know you entertained the idea instead of standing in the opposite corner of your 700 sf place asking him to clean up his stuff. I liken this to video games - there are couples where the husband plays hours a night on video games and the wife is lonely in the other room wondering when he'll come to bed, and there are couples who order a pizza and stay up all night playing TOGETHER - which couple do you think is happier? Give it a try!
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: PMG on August 18, 2016, 07:20:36 AM
Photographing them and making a book of them may be a to to helping him let go of the
   He would still have evidence of all be invested in them. 

Beyond that, it sounds like you are investing a whole lot into this relationship.  I hope that he is as well.

So we had somewhat of a talk.

I don't know if he really means it as to the pairing down after this next convention.  He looked so tired I didn't push it.  The convention is in a couple of weeks, I can stand the mess until then, but after it's done I'll see if he really means it and pairs down the costumes on his own without me nagging.  If not, we'll have to talk about this again.

Oh, the opportunity.

I would take out the costumes with him, have a fun evening together of laying them out / photographing and noting the condition of each, the current size.  You could put them on, even for the photos.

Then, I would print up a small book showing all of them as a sample of his work, and send him to the convention with the book.    He would probably love to show off his work to others, as they chat  (think 3x5 book size he can carry).

This may generate unsolicited offers to buy said costumes or orders for next year.

--------------------
Above all, do NOT try to dispose of the costumes yourself.   i did this to my DH's RC car, thinking it was junk (from his mom's house, which had a lot of junk from his early years.)....   It was rescued by him, and I still hear about it to this day.
----------------
I would try to get him to visualize how happy other people would be to have a chance to buy them off him, or just pay him to tailor /improve them for the new owner.  How they (the costumes) are unhappy to just sit in the dark...
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: driftwood on August 18, 2016, 07:40:26 AM
It was good to see that you've talked and he is seeing the logic behind getting rid of costumes.

I was kind of surprised to see him say he'll only go to one convention a year.  I know that if conventions were my 'thing' it would be easy to feel like you're attacking me and my biggest passion.  And then he might feel defeated that he's agreeing to give it up except once a year he gets to do what he loves.

It seems like the big issue is he is pouring time and $ into costumes for others, and then having to store them after conventions.  If you resolved the costume issue, would he still want to attend multiple conventions?  Couldn't the solution with the costumes make it easy to save & afford to go to multiple conventions? 

Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: ariapluscat on August 18, 2016, 08:33:42 AM
I used to be into conventions. It sounds like he's a very active con-goer and cosplayer. And you don't sound as into the hobby as he is.

There's a mix of issues here.

Conventions are expensive and rewarding. If you can't get the hobby to pay for itself, then it's very expensive. If he's making all these costumes, I'm sure he's also buying a ton of games and associated media for these fandoms. The more you get into cons and cosplay, the more expensive, competitive, and time consuming it can be. He likely feels a lot of pressure to make costumes for his friends and have matching group costumes and 'complete the set' by having all the fave characters, esp if he's doing photo shoots. And he may have friends at the convention who are encouraging him or who he feels he can't let down or wants to impress with an ever expanding skill set in costume making.

But the most appealing idea to me is that he try to set up a booth and have a few costumes present, photos of all on at least a dress model, and sizing options. If he can't afford a booth, then join a facebook group for one of the cons he's going to or see if there's a swap meet at the next con he goes to. Def take good photos of all of them; he may already have photos of his friends wearing them if they were doing group photo shoots. Also set up a flickr or other photo site for him and potential customers to see the costumes.

As has been said before, costumes can take a lot of money and make a lot of money. I knew several women who were into Japanese fashion and turned their hobby into a side hustle. Most weren't really making money, breaking even really, but they were able to get valuable (read: expensive and brag worthy) perks like press badges for cons, the chance to walk in fashion shows, and a lot of notoriety in their community. He may not be interested in putting in the work - and it is a lot of work - esp if he's shy. But these hobbies can be a real opportunity for growth and learning.

And I do kind of agree with him. If these are as unique as he says, there really may not be a market for them. But selling just a few costumes can be a lot of money. Or selling the patterns could be a decent way to make money. He could also try setting up a patreon account to get fans to support his sewing hobby with bonus material like making the patterns available to others or videos of his process.

He can't hold on to all of these costumes. If they're just sitting in boxes, they are likely getting messed up and damaged already. Think wrinkles, folds, and smells. Plus some fabrics need to be regularly washed. And the more of these boxes there are, sitting dark and undisturbed, the more appealing this becomes for pests like moths. And the longer he holds on to costumes, the less valuable they become. Once the fad for a game passes, then the demand for costumes from it decreases (unless it's a nostalgia bait game or part of an on-going franchise like Zelda)

And there's a chance he may not want to compromise. I'm holding on to a lot of boxes for my fave anime figurines. Like I am literally storing empty boxes. And this in a small studio apartment in a HCOL area. I expect my new roommate is going to need more storage space than my current one, so I feel pressure to throw out the boxes. But I don't want to. I know a figurine collector who has a separate storage shed in his yard for his figurine boxes; he's got these empty cardboard boxes from years of collecting. He's proud of this. Some people spend hundreds of dollars on storage and display set ups.

Either way, I want to see photos of these costumes now!
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: neophyte on August 18, 2016, 09:23:45 AM
So we had somewhat of a talk.

He apologized for being so defensive about this. He said that I was right and he needed to compromise on this even if it was hard on him.  He admitted he does have somewhat hoarder tendencies and he wanted to help me more with saving for shared goals (house etc) so he needed to cut back on spending for the costumes anyway.  He also said that he will only go to one convention a year from now and that he will pair down the costumes, but doesn't want to talk about it anymore until after the convention next month.  He already made commitments to his friends about the costumes and most of the money is already spent (hotel tickets materials etc).  He looked so tired when I was talking to him, he's been staying up late after work and using all his time on his days off to work on these costumes (we went to a movie the other day and it was the most time we've spent together in weeks, unless you count me reading or watching TV in the same room as him on the sewing machine).  I think he's really been stressed out and bitten off a bit more than he can chew, with us moving and him making so many costumes all in the same month. 

I don't know if he really means it as to the pairing down after this next convention.  He looked so tired I didn't push it.  The convention is in a couple of weeks, I can stand the mess until then, but after it's done I'll see if he really means it and pairs down the costumes on his own without me nagging.  If not, we'll have to talk about this again.

If you want this guy around for life, you could go the extra mile and join him in the costume making/selling business. Instead of sitting there doing your own thing while he sews, ask him to show you how to sew also. Learn enough to make your own costumes, start selling them and leading by example. Walk a mile in his shoes. Men bond by sitting & working side-by-side rather than face-to-face, and it would probably make him very happy to have a buddy making the costumes with him. Maybe you'll even like it! At least that way he'll know you entertained the idea instead of standing in the opposite corner of your 700 sf place asking him to clean up his stuff. I liken this to video games - there are couples where the husband plays hours a night on video games and the wife is lonely in the other room wondering when he'll come to bed, and there are couples who order a pizza and stay up all night playing TOGETHER - which couple do you think is happier? Give it a try!

I'd flip this around a little bit.  I think maybe he just needs a little push in the right direction to get to the point where he's selling these things. I agree the market is probably there. (Especially for the genderbent stuff, I swear half the cosplays I see are crossplays) He sounds like he's got the sewing and creative stuff down pat. What he is missing is photography and marketing. I'm guessing he probably doesn't have much of an interest in spending the time to do the nitty gritty stuff like editing and posting photos, running an etsy/whatever, and soliciting business.  Would you be willing to take on the photography/business/marketing side for him if he agreed to it?  You'd still be working on it together but taking on different roles that might be more suited to your individual talents and interests.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: Frankies Girl on August 18, 2016, 09:57:20 AM
Just had to come back in here and say this:

While I think it is really cool if you share interests/hobby with a SO, by no means should you feel the least bit obligated to take on his hobby or attempt to get him into business to justify his current storage/spending on said hobby.

You do not have to be the responsible one to step in and take care of him because he can't deal with reining his stuff in. That's not fair, and you don't have to do this, despite the numerous suggestions of how you can help him photograph, market, develop a booth/website - that should be on him completely and it's not your job to clean up his messes (don't make this a precedent). If you have no interest in his hobby, then please don't think this is the logical answer and feel like you have to do this. 

What it comes down to is this is his thing. It is out of control and he needs to be the one to decide how to get it back under control and put in the actual work himself (with whatever help you're willing to provide if you so choose) so it isn't effecting his life, his money, his living space and his relationship.

Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: ditheca on August 18, 2016, 10:00:52 AM
We agreed that both sharing rent and utilities and sacrificing on space will save us a boatload of money...

He already has a small storage unit to store EVEN MORE of these crates and he really can’t afford a bigger one.

Living together is saving you (personally!) half a boatload of money, right?  Use part of that to buy him a bigger storage space.  You won't have to look at the boxes, and you are still coming out ahead over living alone.

If there really is nothing coming out of the boxes, feel free to look father away for cheaper storage.

I'm not comfortable assuming he is 'out of control'.  A house full of boxes works just fine for a bachelor.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: notactiveanymore on August 18, 2016, 10:14:38 AM
Just posting some encouragement. I think you guys are on a good path. If you continue to respect that this is something he is passionate about and give him some room to continue a fulfilling passion (with caveats) then that will help him feel listened to and respected. But that doesn't mean he shouldn't have to answer questions like: what happens in another 3 years when we've got 5 more crates? why shouldn't your friends at least be paying to cover the materials for their costumes even if they don't pay for labor?

My husband was a competitive debater in high school and college and was super sentimental about the ridiculous amount of plaques and trophies. I didn't push him too much, but tried to ask questions about which ones were most important to him and how he envisioned storing/displaying them in the future. He slowly started letting them go. He ended up taking 2 boxes full from his parent's house and throwing the rest out. Then he got rid of another box later on. It just took some time. And as we got rid of things, he shared stories and told me about the different tournaments. I think he was just so opposed to getting rid of any at first because he thought it would be like forgetting his hard work, but eventually he realized them sitting in a box in the closet wasn't remembering them either.

So, my advice is to just keep gently pushing. If he isn't hoarding anything else, then I don't see why a nuclear option would be necessary. It seems to me like he is starting to see the light and it will just take a little time. I might have some ideas in my back pocket for times when he might need encouragement. I think going through 1 box a week might be a good plan. Maybe set a goal on each box to get rid of half the costumes. Or go through and sort into approximate sizes to sell in a batch at steep discount ($50 for 10 costumes).

Good luck with everything!
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: iris lily on August 18, 2016, 10:49:31 AM
Your mistake was in not dealing with this before you comingled households.

When we got engaged and before we lived together, I knew that my negotiating power was the highest it would ever be. So I negotiated which [horrible, godawful] pieces of DH's furniture would have to go. He was 34 years old and had complete sets of antique and semi-antique bedroom, dining room, etc furniture.

I had a small house and 0 furniture I was attached to, I just had cheap functional hand me downs but that doesnt mean I wanted to live with all of his stuff. Ugh.

Anyway, we had to negotiate "stuff" and room for the same, still do that regularly after 27 years of marriage.

I see your bf as failng to live within boundaries he can afford. In this case and for his unique items,
I thnk one storage unit is reasonable, but no more.

That your bf  makes costumes is very very cool. It would make me sad that such cool costumes would not be used. I wish he could change his thinking about them and get those cool costumes out into the communty to be used.

 Were it me, that would give me great satisfaction. I don't like hangng onto my artistic products, I like getting rid of them, and if I can give them to somene who uses and appreciates them, that is a huge score! It is the process of creation that interests me more than the final product.


Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: Candace on August 18, 2016, 11:06:43 AM
How about giving them to a museum? Then his costumes could be properly appreciated and cared for, hopefully viewed by people interested in cosplay, and he might even get a tax deduction or similar. There has to be a museum appropriate to the subject matter and audience.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: ariapluscat on August 18, 2016, 11:13:06 AM
How about giving them to a museum? Then his costumes could be properly appreciated and cared for, hopefully viewed by people interested in cosplay, and he might even get a tax deduction or similar. There has to be a museum appropriate to the subject matter and audience.
This is highly unlikely...
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: Captain FIRE on August 18, 2016, 11:34:57 AM
We agreed that both sharing rent and utilities and sacrificing on space will save us a boatload of money...

He already has a small storage unit to store EVEN MORE of these crates and he really can’t afford a bigger one.

Living together is saving you (personally!) half a boatload of money, right?  Use part of that to buy him a bigger storage space.  You won't have to look at the boxes, and you are still coming out ahead over living alone.

If there really is nothing coming out of the boxes, feel free to look father away for cheaper storage.

I'm not comfortable assuming he is 'out of control'.  A house full of boxes works just fine for a bachelor.

They split costs by income, so it's not clear that she's saving "half a boatload".  If she pays for the storage space, 1) she may not save money at all by the move and 2) she is enabling him to save even more costumes (exacerbating this relationship issue - and continuing to spend money he doesn't have).  Looking further away for storage is a good idea though.

A house of boxes may work fine for a bachelor, but he's no longer living in a bachelor household.  He's living with his girlfriend and a cat, and it sounds like there's no free space to walk and even their dining room table is unusable in that function.  This may not be out of control to you (it is to me - having moved frequently, having this many boxes around even before they crowd the apartment would stress me out), but they need to work out a compromise or the resentment on either side could doom the relationship before the lease is even up.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: GuitarStv on August 18, 2016, 11:58:08 AM
Halloween is just over a month away.  I suspect that a bunch of timely craigslist ads could net you some profit for a few of these costumes.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: RetiredAt63 on August 18, 2016, 12:45:59 PM
Not OT, bear with me.  My DD used to compete in Irish Dance.  If anyone has ever been to a Feis you know how fancy and focused the dance dresses are (one shown below, just for fun ).  And of course dancers grow out of their dresses, and as they move to higher competition levels they need fancier dresses.  So there is a huge market in second hand dresses.
They are sold 2 ways - online (school and dance sites) and at a Feis.  When you walk down the halls at a Feis there are dresses all over the place, and some Feis will have special areas for selling dresses.  Dancers love this because they can try on the dresses (and accessories) right there.  Of course they don't fit perfectly, but there are talented Moms and there are alteration shops.

All this is to point out that the best place to sell the now unused costumes is at a Con, a big one.  Could you sort costumes while he sews?  Get each outfit put together with all its accessories?  Maybe search online to see which are most popular, or which might be losing popularity and should be sold now, not next year?  It might be worth while pointing out that money made from selling some would go to help finance his storage space and cover this year's costume (and Con) costs.  He also needs to do a budget (I know, no time right now) to see just how much this is truly costing him.  Given that he buys supplies in spurts, he may never have actually looked at total cost.  And yes, he may be willing to donate his time to friends, but he should not be buying supplies unless it is clear that a costume will be sold at the con it is being worn at.  His friends are probably not consciously taking advantage of him, this is just the way it has always been in their group, and the friends may be contributing in ways you are not seeing and your boyfriend has not been able to articulate.  Plus since this is an expensive hobby overall, wouldn't it be nice if making/selling costumes could cover all his expenses and he could go to more than one a year?  Honey/carrot versus vinegar/stick thinking.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: MNBen on August 18, 2016, 12:49:28 PM
He admitted he does have somewhat hoarder tendencies

While I have zero experience in his hobby, I have a lot of personal experience in the statement above.  So I thought I'd respond a bit from my experience, to give you a little possibly insight into his brain in the hopes that it'll help you, and heck, maybe provide some therapy for me too.

It took me a long time to realize I had hoarding tendencies.  In fact, it wasn't until I flipped to the hoarders tv show that I even knew it was a thing.  But a light went on.   Kind of like when I'd spent my entire life saving money, wanted to stop having to work as soon as possible, but didn't understand why no one else did.  Then I found MMM and the light went on!

I have received zero therapy for it, so this is all my own self-discovery and self-diagnosis.   From watching hoarders, it's usually at least one major event that triggers it.  In my situation, the year after graduating college, my hometown suffered a major flood and every house in the town had damage.  My parents also divorced when I was in high school and I moved away to go to college.  But during high school and college, I kept my stuff in my bedroom in my mother's basement.   My point is the basement flooded so I lost all of my stuff that was still at home.

As if that wasn't traumatic enough, I was the one who cleaned my mother's house and tossed out everything.  So I spent time seeing the piles and piles of stuff on the curbs.  Tons and tons of stuff going to the landfill.

From that point on, I know that I struggled to get rid of anything.  Somewhat, because it was the last stuff I still had from my past.  Somewhat, because I didn't want anything else to go in the trash if there was ANY chance someone else could use it.   Thankfully recycling was getting more popular and with more items, so that helped me find a place to dispose of lots of things I'd held on for way too long (years of old magazines, college notebooks, etc.). 

So my first advice would be to maybe find out what his traumatic event was.  There may not be something, but there very likely may be.  Helping to understand that, might help you understand what void he's filling.

Part two to my story, my parents divorce.  Another event which I still don't think I realize how much it affected me.  I didn't have good relationship role models and in fact, I just got married for the first time within the past year, in my 40s.   I was a "great guy" and would help anyone with anything, loved being depended upon, to be the hero, to be able to help people out, and earn all of those great feelings.  I think that was because I didn't get it as a child or in a healthy relationship.  I was trying to earn it, and seek it out, no matter what it meant to me.   So this could be part of his situation as well.  In his past, he might have felt some isolation or loneliness, and now he has this new group of friends that depend on him, that he makes happy, and he enjoys it.

And in my case, combine those two things and you see the issue...  here are all these tangible things that I made for people that they like, and I don't like to get rid of things.   *boom*   There it is!   I'm going to hold onto these things forever.

Where I'm hopeful for him and you, as I mentioned I am recently married.  I've been able to part with many more things, for many different reasons.   One example, I grew up in the Star Wars era and had a decent collection of figurines.  I couldn't part with those ever.  They were one of the few childhood things that survived the flood.  They were my favorite toys.  However, all they did was sit in a cardboard box in my basement and collect dust.   However, with the new movies coming out, my wife and her daughter agreed to watch the 6 movies with me.   The daughter loved them.  The wife thought they were just okay.  But still, the three of us went to the most recent movie together.  Guess what...  I took those figurines out, showed them off once to them, cleaned them up, put them on Ebay, and was MORE than happy to sell them and get rid of them.  I've never looked back.

I've also used Craigslist to sell many other things that I have for absolutely no reason to keep holding on to, but still had.   I still struggle to throw stuff away.  I love giving it to someone.   I just really can't throw it out unless I know there is no use or no one wants it.   So at least old magazines can be recycled, but old t-shirts are a perfect example of what I can't throw out... no matter how bad they get, I keep them to use as rags, but a person only needs so many rags!  :)   But I've since found companies that take old clothing and recycle them, or make them into rags.   Perfect!  I've unloaded a lot of clothing in rough shape.

My MMM knowledge has also helped me be more rational about the "cost" of storing these items even if it's just taking up space, or have been moved a couple times which I used to think was no big deal.   But it's also helped me from accumulating anything new.

I still have way too many boxes.  And it's still a struggle at times.  Occasionally I get up the motivation to open a few boxes, get rid of a lot of things, and maybe end up with just one box, which is still progress.

Also, for sure having a good, healthy relationship, has definitely helped.  She has been patient with me, and the more love I feel from her, the less I need some of these things from my past. 

So I'll finish by saying I can totally relate to your significant other, and will caution you to tread lightly, but also give you hope that with patience, I think it will resolve itself.   I agree with everyone to take interest in his costumes, or lay them out, take pictures, or whatever.   That is probably all he needs is some type of scrapbook to go back and show them off, not the actual costume itself.  He'd probably be fine selling them, especially after he sold one and realized the benefit of having the cash.  He might even be fine donating them to a theater or museum, or a costume shop, or something where he could occasionally see someone else benefiting from them.   Like how cool to have a kid come to his door for Halloween wearing one of his donated costumes.

I hope this insight has helped.   Have patience and like an onion, slowly peel back the layers and see what you find.  If you find a void, finding a way for his items to still fill that void, but in a different way, might be enough. 

And finally, if you do finally get him to sell one.  Don't push him right away for the second.  Wait and see.  Nothing would have been worse than having my wife just take a box and throw it out.  I would have lost all trust.   And any pushing to get rid of stuff only added to the stress.   You might have to do all the investigation on your own, trying to find a buyer, and then flat out ask... "hey I found someone who would like to buy your _____ costume for _______.   Are you interested?"  and see what he says, and if he goes ahead, then slow down a bit and see how it affects him. 

Good luck!!
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: canuck_24 on August 18, 2016, 02:06:05 PM
Really well said MNBen!
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: Jouer on August 18, 2016, 02:20:02 PM
I echo what some others have said: these will sell. He is a tailor so exact measurements will matter to him more than they do for others. His market is probably the casual convention goer who is not able to make the costumes themselves. People who wait until the last minute to decide they need a costume are you friend, your best market.

Price: I bet you could get $50 to $100 for each costume.

Your best channel is probably ebay to get the widest reach.

But I would also suggest local craigslist ads in the weeks leading up to conventions in those areas. I'm sure he can find a listing of conventions around the country.

Sounds like he doesn't have a lot of business spirit just yet so you may need to be his business manager. Selling his costumes might end up being a fun thing you to do together.


Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: canuck_24 on August 18, 2016, 03:31:48 PM
He got super happy when one of y'all asked to see his costumes and sent me about a million pics.

These are awesome!  I'm not at all into cosplay/comicon/etc, but I do sew and I can appreciate the work that must have gone into creating crates full of work like this!  Wow!  Good for him.  And now that I see they really are of quality... it makes me a little disgruntled that he is keeping them locking in dark ol' crates!  Someone many comments back mentioned how sad the clothes must feel being treated that way... and I really agree with whichever person wrote that! 

I come from a family with hoarding tendencies, and I too clutch on to my material things more than an average person, and (again, like others have already suggested) the way I feel most comfortable about letting things go is twofold:
1. taking photos of it so that when I stumble on the photo in my digital storage I get a small warm glow
2. thinking about how useful it could be to someone else, and how much joy it might bring a likeminded person to get to have such a special thing that I loved or made (even better if I get the benefit of some cash from it!)
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: snacky on August 18, 2016, 03:37:15 PM
Why has no one mentioned etsy yet? People go there for specific, handmade items. A shop with one-off costumes like these would do well.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: Goldielocks on August 18, 2016, 03:47:14 PM
So much better than what you can get from the chinese online shops....   (which I have done)


Let me know when the Etsy site is up and running.  My MIL is also a tailor (of sorts), and could certainly adapt these for the teenagers and younger cousins (20's) in my life...  Wonderful!
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: StacheyStache on August 18, 2016, 03:56:56 PM
A few comments to the comments:

Me paying for a bigger storage unit is out of the question.  Nope, sorry, not gonna happen and I doubt he'd accept it even if I offered.  I will pay more to support our lives together, which I defined as shared bills, shared savings goals (travel etc) and a shared decision to rent this particular apartment at this price point knowing he can afford less than I can.  I will not pay more to support his hobby and he would never ask me to.  I also think even his small storage unit is a waste of money and it was very much his idea to get it, not mine.  That said I certainly wasn't going to stop him as what he does with his money is his business as long as bills are paid for. 

He had an etsy store some years back (in addition to costumes he makes accessories like hair bows, bow ties, scarves and clothes in general) before we got together but it never really took off and he quickly stopped it.  He's incredibly creative and talented and hard working but doesn't have much business sense and gets discouraged easily.  I'm the opposite:  I have a successful side hustle that I've been managing for years but I don't have an artistic bone in my body.  I suggested that he start a blog to document the costume building process and showcase his work and use that to get some traffic to a revived etsy store since he likes writing and is good at that too.  But I don't think he's willing or able to put much work into that right now since all of his off hours are being consumed by the upcoming convention.  After that's over we'll talk more about that.

As for participating in his hobby, I like anime and games too but never got into conventions because they were just too expensive and I was busy grooming my mustache.  Last time I went was when we were in college. BUT I'm going this year to see what all the fuss is about and even commissioned him to make me a costume (and insisted on paying him for materials and for his time to try and set an example.  That was actually a condition for me going that he had to let me pay him for a costume).  If he asks me to do something specific for the costumes like hold this or try on this I would but mostly he just wants to be left alone to work.  We have some other hobbies we do together, I'm fine with letting this be his thing.

Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: former player on August 18, 2016, 04:37:54 PM
I know you described your SO as a tailor, but to me those costumes scream design talent as well.  If you can harness your entrepreneurial interests to his design and making talents you could have a very positive solution to your initial problem.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: russianswinga on August 18, 2016, 04:41:00 PM
I will probably get kicked by quite a few people for saying this, but I can't hold it in -

Your boyfriend is a man-child. The dress up thing and con-going is something that most people grow out of in their teens. Some don't, and it's fine so long as it doesn't interfere with their lives.
I'm a huge geek (star wars, star trek anything sci-fi, but NOT comics, superheroes or fantasy). But I could never, ever see myself spending my own money, or time, or both, just to go to a place with other geeks. To me a convention is something you go to for work, when your company pays for it, to listen and learn from other people in your work field.

Since you've clearly stated that the above doesn't bother you in your SO, it's just the hoarding (and passively, spending $ he doesn't have) that does, my suggestion is 2-fold:

1. Encourage him to sell the stuff. Etsy site, or your own quick WordPress or Joomla site to list said costumes. Some can go on ebay. People WILL buy quality costumes (god only knows why??), and alter themselves if necessary. Nicely-modeled photos will help - modeled on a human body with semi-professional pictures and good lighting (not a flash or overhead).
2. See if this is something you two want to pursue together - a custom costume online business. Set up a booth at a smaller convention to break into the scene. He's an "engineer" - he does the technical side. Why don't you take on the sales + marketing? I'm sure that future, custom-ordered quality costumes can fetch hundreds, if not thousands. This can easily turn his hobby into a side-hustle, and instead of going to a convention as a paying fool guest, he will now be making money on them. Then the tables have turned.
3. Until the side hustles, keep conventions down to 1 year to lower hotel costs, etc. Remember - money spent on this is money that's not going to FIRE, and if you want to be with him for the rest of your life - that's not his money, it's your joint money for FIRE.

[edit] that was 3-fold, wasn't it?
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: Tris Prior on August 18, 2016, 05:16:46 PM
Why has no one mentioned etsy yet? People go there for specific, handmade items. A shop with one-off costumes like these would do well.

Be VERY careful about listing anything fandom-related on Etsy. If you're caught using any sort of copyrighted words in your title and tags (for example, Star Wars, Pokemon, Doctor Who), you can get a Nasty Lawyer Letter telling you that the listing has to come down.

I personally know people who have had their Etsy shops shut down over this, and I myself have gotten two Nasty Lawyer Letters simply for tagging my items as "inspired by {movie name}", with no official images or anything used. (apparently it's 3 strikes and you're out so I don't dare do this ever again.)

"But Tris," you say, "I'm looking on Etsy right now and there are thousands of fandom-related listings on there!"

You'd be correct. Unfortunately, they don't enforce this policy consistently, which isn't much of a comfort if you happen to be the poor bastard who gets caught.

I think the idea of selling these costumes at cons is a good one. I think he'd do well, as long as he doesn't choose cons that have really expensive artist fees.

(ETA: In theory, he could list the stuff and just not tag/title it with anything fandom-related. That's how they bust you - if the copyrighted term is in your tags or title or description. Plenty of people do lots of creative wording to get around the forbidden words. Unfortunately that means his items would be harder for buyers to find, as people would presumably search under "Star Wars" if they were looking to buy Star Wars cosplay.)
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: Astatine on August 18, 2016, 05:51:22 PM
Love the costumes!

I will probably get kicked by quite a few people for saying this, but I can't hold it in -

Your boyfriend is a man-child. The dress up thing and con-going is something that most people grow out of in their teens. Some don't, and it's fine so long as it doesn't interfere with their lives.
I'm a huge geek (star wars, star trek anything sci-fi, but NOT comics, superheroes or fantasy). But I could never, ever see myself spending my own money, or time, or both, just to go to a place with other geeks. To me a convention is something you go to for work, when your company pays for it, to listen and learn from other people in your work field.


I've just been reading along but have to disagree with this. I have a number of friends (age range 20s to 40s) who LOVE going to conventions and a few of them do cosplay. I've never been to a convention because it's not my thing but I don't feel any need to disparage those who genuinely love and enjoy it.

The issue is the hoarding of costumes and to a lesser degree, not having costs covered by his friends.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: StacheyStache on August 18, 2016, 06:34:57 PM
Why has no one mentioned etsy yet? People go there for specific, handmade items. A shop with one-off costumes like these would do well.

Be VERY careful about listing anything fandom-related on Etsy. If you're caught using any sort of copyrighted words in your title and tags (for example, Star Wars, Pokemon, Doctor Who), you can get a Nasty Lawyer Letter telling you that the listing has to come down.

I personally know people who have had their Etsy shops shut down over this, and I myself have gotten two Nasty Lawyer Letters simply for tagging my items as "inspired by {movie name}", with no official images or anything used. (apparently it's 3 strikes and you're out so I don't dare do this ever again.)

"But Tris," you say, "I'm looking on Etsy right now and there are thousands of fandom-related listings on there!"

You'd be correct. Unfortunately, they don't enforce this policy consistently, which isn't much of a comfort if you happen to be the poor bastard who gets caught.

I think the idea of selling these costumes at cons is a good one. I think he'd do well, as long as he doesn't choose cons that have really expensive artist fees.

(ETA: In theory, he could list the stuff and just not tag/title it with anything fandom-related. That's how they bust you - if the copyrighted term is in your tags or title or description. Plenty of people do lots of creative wording to get around the forbidden words. Unfortunately that means his items would be harder for buyers to find, as people would presumably search under "Star Wars" if they were looking to buy Star Wars cosplay.)

The vast majority of his previous etsy endeavor was fashion accessories.  I think he had a small line about "I also do costumes and cosplay I am accepting commissions" or something to that effect.  He is adamant that if he ever did make a serious attempt at a business it wouldn't be for cosplay but mainly for accessories and clothes with cosplay on the side because there's too much competition for cosplay.  I disagree but again I don't know the business or the market.  His work in accessories and clothes is amazing too but again those are almost exclusively gifts for famiyl and friends, not for profit (but at least he actually gives those away and doesn't keep them all!).
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: woopwoop on August 18, 2016, 06:43:40 PM
He had an etsy store some years back (in addition to costumes he makes accessories like hair bows, bow ties, scarves and clothes in general) before we got together but it never really took off and he quickly stopped it.
Just a side note: lots of people have reported selling more with a female picture up for the shop instead of a male picture. So next time he starts his shop, I'd put your pic on there instead.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: iris lily on August 18, 2016, 06:50:20 PM
I cant help but think that OP MUST marry this guy and  have several children who participate in dance and other activites requiring costumes so that their dad can make them the best damned costumes in the freeking world!

Halloween as the ultimate event at their house goes witout saying.

Edited to add: pageants! OP's girls shouodould enter pageants, there is so much opportnity for costume making ther! I remember years ago there was a pageant dad who made costumes for his daughter on Toddlers and Tiaras. Haha kidding because there are few things less
Mustschean than child besuty pageants.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: SeaEhm on August 18, 2016, 08:41:31 PM
I will buy his Luffy, Zoro, Sanji, Naruto, Sasuke, and Gon costumes.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: misterhorsey on August 18, 2016, 11:22:05 PM
He got super happy when one of y'all asked to see his costumes and sent me about a million pics.

Hey Stachey Stache

I can't remember why I stumbled upon this thread and I haven't had time to read all entries but this comment struck a chord.

It's actually inspiring to hear of someone who is able to spend so much time not only doing something he loves, but creating something in the process. I think we'd all love to be swept up in a hobby or pursuit that keeps us in the zone.

As a person with mild hoarding tendencies, I've recently been able to address them by realising that there's a tendency to confuse the love of a pastime/creative pursuit, with the paraphernalia associated with the past time or the creative pursuit.  As an example, I love playing music. But I'm not that great at it. So I used to spend a lot of time researching, then buying, then storing musical instruments.  More time doing that than actually playing music.

With your boyfriend, and going back to the sentence I quote, it's clear that he enjoys the fact that other's enjoy his work. Who wouldn't?

But is he retaining his past works because he's confusing keeping them with the joy he experiences in creating them, and the reaction he gets from his friends when he gifts them?

Is it possible to show your boyfriend that he could experience even greater enjoyment by sharing the costumes with others? 

It's obvious to everyone else that no-one is really getting any use out of the costumes when they are stored away. Not even your boyfriend.  He's focused on maintaining the collection and focusing on the loss of losing them, but its not like he is going through them and actually using them.  It's also obvious that there are people out there who would really love them and get some use out of them.

He could sell them for profit. Sell them to recover the costs of materials, or recover cost of materials and his time. Or he could even give them away?

The reason why I think this might be worth it is that it turns the giving of the costumes into something positive. He may not appreciate that each costume has nothing to offer by being hidden away. But if it's given or sold to someone else who appreciates it he can mine them for even more feelings of fulfillment!

It would allow him to share his creativity with others.  It sounds like there are plenty of people around who love his costumes but may not have the skill to be able to make their own. And by getting rid of them he could potentially make a little money on the side, and it may actually lead him to make more costumes or more elaborate costumes.

(I'm mindful that turning it into a commercial venture could tarnish the joy - dealing with fussy clients. Working to deadlines etc. So this needs to b be balanced as well. )

I've recently decided to get rid of a whole bookshelf of books I haven't read, didn't like, couldn't finish etc.  I'm offering them to co-workers for free.  When they were on the bookshelf I thought of them as 'I can't give that away I still haven't finished it'.  But now they are in cardboard boxes I look at them and think 'I can't believe I bought that.  Why would I buy that?'. I'm no longer keen on hoarding the books because I am exchanging them for freedom from clutter and the guilt of not having read something!  It was much easier to let go when I realised I was doing it to achieve positive change in my life.  Living in a consumer culture, its somewhat counter intuitive to think that you can gain more by letting go of things.

I guess I'm suggesting the shift in the way he thinks of the stored costumes may be easier if he could understand that getting rid of the costumes isn't necessarily a negative thing, but could lead to some positive outcomes.  Not just for you and space etc, but possibly for richer creative outcomes and the genuine appreciation of others.




Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: StacheyStache on August 19, 2016, 06:31:52 AM
Love the costumes!

I will probably get kicked by quite a few people for saying this, but I can't hold it in -

Your boyfriend is a man-child. The dress up thing and con-going is something that most people grow out of in their teens. Some don't, and it's fine so long as it doesn't interfere with their lives.
I'm a huge geek (star wars, star trek anything sci-fi, but NOT comics, superheroes or fantasy). But I could never, ever see myself spending my own money, or time, or both, just to go to a place with other geeks. To me a convention is something you go to for work, when your company pays for it, to listen and learn from other people in your work field.


I've just been reading along but have to disagree with this. I have a number of friends (age range 20s to 40s) who LOVE going to conventions and a few of them do cosplay. I've never been to a convention because it's not my thing but I don't feel any need to disparage those who genuinely love and enjoy it.

The issue is the hoarding of costumes and to a lesser degree, not having costs covered by his friends.

I see both sides.  We all have our weird hobbies.  A lot of people would think my personal finance blog reading and mustachianisms are weird and I know my boyfriend does but he puts up with it and has even learned a thing or two.  I think it'd be boring if I dated someone who was exactly like me.  I admit I do think he spends too much money on this and I'm hoping he's serious about scaling back, but it's not my money to spend or save and at least he's creating and working hard at something...there are a lot of significant other hobbies, some of which I've seen discussed on this site, that are a whole lot more frivolous and spendypants (see "shopping" as a hobby).   

On the other hand I thought it was going to be a hard sell when he met my super old fashioned conservative traditional parents but even my dad was impressed with his work and picked up that this could be a profitable side hustle.  I'll update in a few weeks after the convention is over to see what direction he's taking this.  It's ultimately his decision on how the crates make their exit as long as I get my dining room table back!
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: StacheyStache on August 19, 2016, 06:56:09 AM
I will buy his Luffy, Zoro, Sanji, Naruto, Sasuke, and Gon costumes.

He says he doesn't have those but he could make them.  I think the ones he's done are Adventure Time, Final Fantasy 8, Final Fantasy tactics, Venture Brothers, Game of Thrones, some Zelda, some Star Wars.  I know he did a Naruto set at one point but not the main characters (he likes to do background characters and sidekicks more than the big protagonists).  There must be others given the size of the collection.  I'm not even sure he knows what all's in there anymore!
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: MrsDinero on August 19, 2016, 07:20:14 AM
Looks like the two of you are making progress into getting the storage space resolved. 

In regards to hobbies and making money, your SO has some real talent in making those costumes.  Assuming he has created a network of convention friends and people who see him as a regular at the conventions, I can't imagine he would have any problem getting a side business started.   If he is open to the idea, maybe get some business cards printed up before the next convention so he can pass them out to people who express interest in his costumes. 
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: Sandia on August 20, 2016, 12:46:29 AM
I will probably get kicked by quite a few people for saying this, but I can't hold it in -

Your boyfriend is a man-child. The dress up thing and con-going is something that most people grow out of in their teens. Some don't, and it's fine so long as it doesn't interfere with their lives.
I'm a huge geek (star wars, star trek anything sci-fi, but NOT comics, superheroes or fantasy). But I could never, ever see myself spending my own money, or time, or both, just to go to a place with other geeks. To me a convention is something you go to for work, when your company pays for it, to listen and learn from other people in your work field.



Do you also disapprove of sports, russianswinga? Thousands of grown men (and women) spend stacks of money to dress up and go to stadiums full of other sports "geeks" every weekend/season/year.

Just because the OP's boyfriend's fandom is based on fictional stories doesn't make it inherently worse or more childish than a fandom based on violent games with arbitrary rules. Indeed, I'd probably consider an interest in complex stories and creativity far more mature than watching dudes in tight pants acquire brain injuries...
 

On topic, OP, would your boyfriend get satisfaction out of other people wearing his costumes? That might be a good angle to take to help him visualize the benefits of downsizing.

Another good angle might be a trade off: if he can reduce his costume stash, then can he get some proper (kitty-free, and out of YOUR way) work space for sewing? If you get the right coffee table that prevents you/guests from having to eat off laps, can you use the former dining area to house a work table?

Also, any chance we could see some more pics of human Pokemon costumes? :)
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: Fresh Bread on August 20, 2016, 02:49:51 AM
Ok, have to chime in here, plus I am very interested to follow and see how this all pans out!!

I think it's great that you've had a talk about it, but I'm kind of disappointed that the offering from him was to only go to one convention a year and make less costumes because it makes me think he thinks it's all about money, not the hoarding and the being taken advantage of.

If he makes fabulous costumes and it sounds like he loves to do it, I think he should be making as many as possible! It might not be the fastest way to FIRE but it sounds like he'd be pretty miserable without this creative outlet so maybe FIRE is not for him. As long as you are living a life you love without hurting anyone why would that matter? I'm talking about his need to be creative here, not the hoarding as that is obviously hurting you.

So he must pass the costumes onto their new owners (these new ones must not come home!) and he must must must be compensated for the materials. His friends sound a bit tight! Being compensated for his time is less important if he loves it and isn't at all business minded. Some people just don't have the entrepreneurial spirit and that's ok.

Everyone else has already made great suggestions about reducing what's in the crates. If he sells costumes at this convention, wouldn't his trip and expenses become tax deductible? Maybe handing out a cheap business card with a link to a free photo sharing website with pics of his friends in their costumes (just ones already taken) plus a contact email address would be a very low effort way to give it a go. $10 outlay for the cards, a couple of hours of time putting some pics up. Sounds like he's not up for it yet but maybe an idea for the future.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: poppan on August 20, 2016, 09:13:11 AM
I'm a reformed packrat and being able to sell things really helped me to let stuff go. In the end I was happier to have it go to people who could use it and that I was getting money for it helped. So whenever the best platform is -- in his shoes I would try them all. Halloween is coming up I bet you can sell a lot on eBay.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: Quince on August 20, 2016, 05:00:45 PM
I have to say I love the costumes.

If I could sew that well I assure you that some of my day to day outfits would be pseudo-cosplay.  As many as I could get away with, in fact. Something like the first picture in jacket form? Yes, please.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: meteor on August 22, 2016, 08:03:14 PM
I have the same kind of partner.  The only way we could resolve it was to have separate spaces: closets, shelves, even areas of the fridge. Now I have nicely organized areas I can use and he has to deal with stuff pouring down from his shelves every time he opens a door.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: Miss Piggy on September 02, 2016, 12:40:40 PM
Sorry to hear things went south, Stachey, but I'm happy to see that you are moving forward (or at least reevaluating things) without blinders on. Best wishes.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: boarder42 on September 02, 2016, 12:45:06 PM
yeah sounds like someone to move on from your values dont line up at all.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: MrsDinero on September 02, 2016, 01:24:10 PM
Sorry to hear about the bad weekend.  It sounds like you have a lot of thinking to do.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: former player on September 02, 2016, 01:30:01 PM
SO sounds both stuck in his existing ways and unable to make quick adjustments to plans, which would explain his behaviour this weekend and leading up to it.  The question is: does he care enough for you, and for the future you could have together, to change his existing ways?  The time to find out is once this weekend's long-panned and worked-towards convention is over.  He may always be someone who has difficulty adjusting to last-minute changes in plans, but he does need to be someone who can rein in the over-expensive and over-time consuming convention thing in order to build a life with you, and he does need to be someone who can demonstrate in what he does, as well as what he says, that he cares for you and takes your wellbeing into account however difficult the circumstances.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: StacheyStache on September 02, 2016, 01:44:04 PM
SO sounds both stuck in his existing ways and unable to make quick adjustments to plans, which would explain his behaviour this weekend and leading up to it.  The question is: does he care enough for you, and for the future you could have together, to change his existing ways?  The time to find out is once this weekend's long-panned and worked-towards convention is over.  He may always be someone who has difficulty adjusting to last-minute changes in plans, but he does need to be someone who can rein in the over-expensive and over-time consuming convention thing in order to build a life with you, and he does need to be someone who can demonstrate in what he does, as well as what he says, that he cares for you and takes your wellbeing into account however difficult the circumstances.

I agree it should be after this convention is over.  Counting down the minutes.  And I'm a little sad about that because up until now I was kind of looking forward to sharing that with him, despite the time and money suck.  This was just kind of the straw that broke the camel's back. 

I'm not saying we'll for sure break up but I do need some time to think both alone and out loud with him. 
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: Goldielocks on September 02, 2016, 01:54:41 PM
It's pretty normal for him to be looking forward to "friend /buddy time" without you, and having trouble switching it all up at the last moment, even though the reason is EXCELLENT.

I would not sweat that one out for long.  Normal couple fight stuff.

Avoiding work to spend time on a hobby and then spending more $$$'s than he let on are definitely mistakes.   I can understand how this happened, as you don't want to disappoint your SO who has already been disapproving, yet you get really caught up in it.  I have done something similar when young 20's. 

But then I learned from my big mistake very quickly, and never ever put work second to a hobby again.  And I agreed not to lie (by omission), and that it was ok to tell my SO that I wanted time without him, with friends.  We talked about last minute changes not being my thing, etc.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: Cassie on September 02, 2016, 02:02:36 PM
Putting work second to a hobby is not good. If you were married he could really impact on your financial future. He just sounds immature at this point with hoarder tendencies. I would not go to the convention but use this time alone to think about how you want your life to be.    Hugs:))
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: StacheyStache on September 02, 2016, 02:03:07 PM
It's pretty normal for him to be looking forward to "friend /buddy time" without you, and having trouble switching it all up at the last moment, even though the reason is EXCELLENT.

I would not sweat that one out for long.  Normal couple fight stuff.

Avoiding work to spend time on a hobby and then spending more $$$'s than he let on are definitely mistakes.   I can understand how this happened, as you don't want to disappoint your SO who has already been disapproving, yet you get really caught up in it.  I have done something similar when young 20's. 

But then I learned from my big mistake very quickly, and never ever put work second to a hobby again.  And I agreed not to lie (by omission), and that it was ok to tell my SO that I wanted time without him, with friends.  We talked about last minute changes not being my thing, etc.

I asked if wanting buddy time was the reason and he swore up and down it wasn't.  That would have been totally different.  Like I said I didn't volunteer to go to this thing he asked me to go.  He even got miffed when I initially told him I wouldn't be able to take the Thursday and Friday off work so I'd have to miss those days!  That's why his reaction was so surprising and made me think there was some other reason why he had a change of heart...plus a few weeks ago I overheard his friend asking about shaving a Jamaican moose while they were up there (when they talk about weed they always talk in code, guess his friends think I'm too dumb to pick up on what it means).
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: mwulff on September 02, 2016, 02:07:06 PM
Several people have mentioned "nuclear options", but honestly I think he may have taken the whole costume-making a bit too far.

I truly get that some people enjoy the whole cos-play/con scene and that is fine. I even think that it's fine to store some of your favourite costumes and keep them. We all keep mementos from our lives.

But hoarding them to such a degree is neither healthy nor practical in the long run. Also making things for friends and not having them pay for the materials is just incredibly stupid and honestly his "friends" are just jerks if they don't pay him (even if they have to force money down his pocket).

I think you need to step back and consider if, despite your mutual feelings, you two might have some fundamental incompatibilities. I suggest doing this now before you get your lives more entangled.

Good luck.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: boarder42 on September 02, 2016, 02:12:14 PM
he could make piels of money on this. i dont know hwy he isnt selling.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: BigHaus89 on September 02, 2016, 02:39:59 PM
he could make piels of money on this. i dont know hwy he isnt selling.

Agreed. Those costumes are very well done.

It seems like he is taking the selfish route and refusing to accept adult responsibilities, like being considerate to his SO, skipping work to tailor costumes(at a huge expense that seems unsustainable), and not compromising on obvious problems.

Stachey, you have saint-like patience and are very empathetic. I think most others here would not have let this go on for so long without compromise. I don't really have any advice other than I hope everything works out for the best, whatever that may be.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: MrsDinero on September 02, 2016, 02:54:21 PM
It's pretty normal for him to be looking forward to "friend /buddy time" without you, and having trouble switching it all up at the last moment, even though the reason is EXCELLENT.

I would not sweat that one out for long.  Normal couple fight stuff.

Avoiding work to spend time on a hobby and then spending more $$$'s than he let on are definitely mistakes.   I can understand how this happened, as you don't want to disappoint your SO who has already been disapproving, yet you get really caught up in it.  I have done something similar when young 20's. 

But then I learned from my big mistake very quickly, and never ever put work second to a hobby again.  And I agreed not to lie (by omission), and that it was ok to tell my SO that I wanted time without him, with friends.  We talked about last minute changes not being my thing, etc.

I asked if wanting buddy time was the reason and he swore up and down it wasn't.  That would have been totally different.  Like I said I didn't volunteer to go to this thing he asked me to go.  He even got miffed when I initially told him I wouldn't be able to take the Thursday and Friday off work so I'd have to miss those days!  That's why his reaction was so surprising and made me think there was some other reason why he had a change of heart...plus a few weeks ago I overheard his friend asking about shaving a Jamaican moose while they were up there (when they talk about weed they always talk in code, guess his friends think I'm too dumb to pick up on what it means).

This is definitely something yo think about. If you feel THAT strongly about pot (for whatever reason) and he feels the opposite then to me that is a deal breaker.  I'm not saying one side is better than the other side but when it comes to things like pot there is no real "meeting in the middle".
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: ysette9 on September 02, 2016, 04:03:19 PM
As other posters have touched upon, it isn't so much about pot or costumes or what hobby you choose but the values that underlying those decisions. You value different things which means you have different values on how you spend your time and money. He clearly is showing himself to be less mature than where you are in life now and what you would like him to be. These things usually don't change. Relationships do take work, but they take much less work and have much more joy when the fundamental principles of each partner like up.

I don't know how much you have been through together but if you stay together long enough shit will eventually hit the fan in some way. When that has happened to me it has been an extraordinary blessing to have a partner on the same wavelength as me because that is just one less source of worry for me and instead a support. You and everyone else deserve to be with someone who shares your values, or to be content and satisfied without a partner. It sounds like you have some heavy thinking to do and whichever way things go, I wish you the best. Do keep us updated.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: Bicycle_B on September 02, 2016, 04:06:51 PM
Stachey, glad you updated the thread but sorry you had bad news.

I agree "sounds like couple stuff", but also sounds like "multiple points of immaturity make a pattern".

The posters who were hoard-y and gradually changed sound more responsive than Costume Whiz does.  (Props to his skills, though.)  Obviously whether you stay together or not, there will be tangled emotions for you, and learning. 

I don't want to counsel anyone to break up relationships with undue speed.  But as someone from a family where the hoarder guy got worse and worse until the day he died, I cannot counsel hope either on that front. 

Confident you will work it out one way or the other, though.  May your adventures be heartfelt and lead to wisdom.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: Frankies Girl on September 02, 2016, 06:30:43 PM
Is there any reason you can't just tell him plainly that you were very hurt and upset about his not wanting to go together, and that you are left with the feeling that the only reason he wanted to go up without you is so he could smoke pot? Because he should realize that this is where your mind goes when he hasn't got any clear answers or reasons for doing what he did, so you are left to fall back on past behaviors.

But I'd be in a pretty big hurty-sad-betrayal spiral if my SO did something like this and I definitely would not attend that convention because it sounds like he blew you off and fuck that shit. Stay home, stay safe and do some heavy thinking.

Oh and him skipping work to "play" with his hobby stuff, and spending even more excessively on hobbies that he does not have the money for than he admits (and is also endangering his job for - calling in too often will do that). Oh, hell no. That is a big fat adulting fail there.

Suggest once he comes back, in the calmest, most logical and detached way, explain what you think and feel about what is happening and your perception of what he has done and what he has hidden from you, and how this hurts you and your relationship. You are talking about a basic lack of trust, lack of concern and consideration for you as his partner. He is also endangering his job, and lying about money and drugs (and who knows what else frankly) to a person who he is supposed to be sharing everything with and most needs to be honest and connected to. I don't care about pot smoking, but it is illegal where you live and he knows you don't approve, so right there you have a strong disconnect in values. All of this just looks like a huge glowing red danger sign that he's not able to act as a responsible, mature adult and you will need to start thinking hard about what this bodes for your future.

If he responds with genuine contrite and thoughtful responses, then there is hope, if he gets angry or blusters or tries to lie/deny... then I'd be very, very concerned going forward.

So sorry. :(
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: MrsDinero on September 03, 2016, 05:56:33 AM
 
Quote
I really don't know what to believe.

Yes you do, it is just not the story you want to believe.

Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: Goldielocks on September 03, 2016, 08:16:43 AM
StaceyStache..

Trust, but verify.


His big secret he has been hiding may be just about the costumes and its work impacts (very guilty), and that secret is bleeding over to his other behaviour.  OR He could just have wanted to keep you away from his friends who insist on smoking. OR  He could have not smoked himself, but the car was going to be a Hot Box ala cheech and chong... etc. etc.etc.

The challenge is too many secrets.  Not the pot, not the costumes. not the hoarding. not the money.  Just too many GD secrets.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: begood on September 03, 2016, 11:34:52 AM
*big hugs to you*

What a sad situation, StacheyStache.

I wonder if part of why he goes to so many conventions is because his friends provide him with pot on those occasions, but he can wave it off as being on vacation, so not "counting".
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: Bicycle_B on September 03, 2016, 12:15:34 PM
Stachey, +1 on thinking.  You'll decide.  More power to you.

I am not a relationships expert, but I detest smoke smells esp. weed, tobacco, cloves.  I have dumped more than one incipient relationship over that exact reason.  And those were ones where the person's other characteristics were entirely trustworthy.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: Frankies Girl on September 03, 2016, 12:18:11 PM

And yes the first text message was a general 'you did a thing I didn't like, this was the thing, the thing bothered me because reasons, what's up with that?'  He gave me the same bs about how he did it for "us" and for my anxiety and to beat the storm.  I didn't buy that and asked him straight up about the weed.  He denied it and said he was just trying to play the guys off because they kept harassing him.  I really don't know what to believe.

On that note (the bolded bit at the end) ask him how he'd feel if you threw out/gave away all of his costume hoard (cleaned out the apartment and his storage unit) without him being around one day... to help him get over his hoarding issues?

He doesn't get to force you into situations that are not your choosing, just like you're not forcing him to do things he's not comfortable with. He's using other motives (secret/selfish) to justify "oh I was doing it for you" type crap. So that is bullshit.


Decided not to go even though the weather did clear up later this morning.  Tried to call last night so we could talk it out as there was no point in me driving all that way just to fight the entire weekend, but he made it very clear he was having a blast and had no time to talk (heard his friends in the background telling him to put down the phone and making rude comments that I won't repeat here, but some words involving felines and dominatrix equipment were mentioned.  They're all in their thirties...older than me in fact).  He did not ask about the storm or if everything was okay until I asked him if he was interested to know how long the power had been out and whether our fridge food was still good.  Yes that was a totally passive aggressive comment but I was mad.  After he hurriedly rushed me off the phone I decided I had heard all I needed to know about whether he actually wanted me there. 

Was seriously tempted to use PP's suggestion of the costume litter box but instead made some coffee and snuggled up with a good book.  It's the weekend and I'm going to enjoy it...and do some serious thinking.

And it is a very very big deal that he chooses friends that think it is okay to call his partner derogatory names and try to get him to do things without you that he supposedly gave up for you. He should be smacking that shit down when it comes up if he loves you. Lack of respect by his friends too.


Wow. He isn't really coming off as a very nice person at all.  Just keeps getting worse the more that is revealed.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: snacky on September 03, 2016, 01:03:34 PM
This is not how I wanted the story to end. I hope your next story is a million times better than this one. <3
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: begood on September 03, 2016, 01:43:37 PM
What's that saying? "When he shows you who he really is, believe him."

I'm sorry it went down this way, Stachey. I don't know you but I guarantee you deserve better.

Having the lease just in your name will at least make that part simpler!
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: former player on September 03, 2016, 02:14:03 PM
He has failed at Adulting 101, and probably always will as long as he kowtows to that group of "friends".  He may even be sorry when he gets back and realises what he's lost.  But as things stand, you are well out of it, however hard it feels at the moment.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: Astatine on September 03, 2016, 02:52:45 PM
Very sorry to hear this. Glad you have friends with you for support.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: ysette9 on September 03, 2016, 03:10:28 PM
I too, am sorry to hear about the tough time you are having. It must be such a disappointment and you definitely approached this with a loving, open heart. Unfortunately relationships don't work when only  one person is mature. I expect it doesn't feel this way at all now, but I really believe this will all be for the better in the long run. You clearly have your head on straight and deserve to be able to pursue your dreams either with the support of someone like-minded or at least without someone paddling in the opposite direction. Good luck. We are all rooting for you.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: Frankies Girl on September 03, 2016, 04:09:33 PM
Awww. Dammit.

I was really hoping he wasn't as big a jerk as he was sounding, but unfortunately he's a massive douchecanoe.

BIG hugs and I'm so so sorry.

Very very happy you have friends to help out and support you. You'll get through this. You deserve someone waaaaay better than him. You take care of yourself.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: Retire-Canada on September 03, 2016, 05:20:47 PM
Bummer. *hugs* But better now than once you were married with kids.

You'll find someone who is a better match for you and be happier.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: G-dog on September 03, 2016, 06:03:39 PM
Stay strong - he will whine and wheedle when he gets home. Tough shit - he can go live with one of his friends who think he is kitty- whipped.
If you start feeling like he is really sorry and he is going to change, remember back to when he called you a big bawling baby when you needed his support. I think we all know who the real baby is....

Sorry about all of this drama, but you will make it out the other side.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: RetiredAt63 on September 04, 2016, 07:20:03 AM
So sorry, but actions speak louder than words and his actions are yelling at you.

If it is any help, I have a friend who is on his third marriage (what he called the triumph of optimism over experience).  It is great because, as he says, he married a grownup this time. 
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: Zoot on September 05, 2016, 05:27:37 PM
So sorry you're hurting.  Take care of yourself while you're grieving--treat yourself with the same compassion you'd show to your dearest friend.  Warm drinks, soft clothes, nourishing food, soothing sounds.  We're all rooting for you.
Title: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: gj83 on September 06, 2016, 07:35:56 AM
Have you been controlling in other relationships?  A lot of what you said emphasizes your attempts to control him.  You can't control people because that leads to them hiding the behavior you don't like and you also get into the vicious cycle where you control which makes him act out which makes you control more.

I've been you before.  I thought my ex would be perfect if he would just fix X.  He'd just hide X and I'd start to hate Y.  He'd hide Y.  We broke up and he actually finally fixed X and Y so I thought we could get back together, but then he would start back with X and Y and now adapt Z which I also wanted to stop.

So he wasn't a fit for me but I also needed to find someone I didn't need to control.

There is a man out there you don't need to control, then make sure you don't try to control him!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: mskyle on September 06, 2016, 07:46:51 AM
Have you been controlling in other relationships?  A lot of what you said emphasizes your attempts to control him.  You can't control people because that leads to them hiding the behavior you don't like and you also get into the vicious cycle where you control which makes him act out which makes you control more.

I've been you before.  I thought my ex would be perfect if he would just fix X.  He'd just hide X and I'd start to hate Y.  He'd hide Y.  We broke up and he actually finally fixed X and Y so I thought we could get back together, but then he would start back with X and Y and now adapt Z which I also wanted to stop.

So he wasn't a fit for me but I also needed to find someone I didn't need to control.

There is a man out there you don't need to control, then make sure you don't try to control him!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I don't think that's fair - there's a big difference between trying to change a person and trying to set boundaries about how your common space is used, your household financial health (which would be in jeopardy if OP's boyfriend got fired for sicking out), and how you spend time together. Yeah, they weren't suited, and there was some wishful thinking on OP's part around the likelihood of the boyfriend getting his shit together. But saying "I need you to keep going to work so you can keep paying your portion of the rent" and "I don't want to live in an apartment that is completely filled with your hobby supplies" are pretty reasonable, non-controlling requests.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: nobody123 on September 06, 2016, 08:14:25 AM
Totally the right call to kick the man-child out and get out of a relationship that doesn't work for you.  The dude sounds like a loser.  At best, you are at different places in your life where you have a different view of what adulting looks like.  You can't drag someone kicking and screaming into your version of what life should look like, and frankly you shouldn't have to do that with someone who truly cares about you.  To make myself perfectly clear, you are making the right decision.

That being said, what did you realistically expect to happen when you are the only SO at a reunion of his pothead dress-up pals you admittedly don't care for?  You gave him the "just one more convention before you get your shit together" ultimatum, he decided to treat it like it was like any other convention, and you're upset that he did?  Let's assume he isn't a total jerk and told his friends that because he loves you and wants a future with you, he won't be attending as many conventions or making the costumes for free anymore, because he has to make some changes to build a life with you.  Assuming his friends are like any other group of guys, when they're away from their SO's they will devolve into overgrown teenagers making crude jokes and indulging in things that would get them in trouble at home, and now one of them is being p-whipped into not joining in the fun any more.  I could see where while in a room full of his 'bros before hos' drunk / high buddies, he would be a complete dick to you on the phone just so his buddies (who obviously didn't want the Debbie Downer who is trying to keep their fun buddy from hanging out with them there to ruin the weekend) would stop giving him shit.  In my younger days, I personally made that mistake once or twice.  It's NOT acceptable behavior, but I can understand how it happened.  The guy was in a no-win situation and was going to piss off someone.  He just made the wrong choice if his ultimate goal is a relationship with you.

I also don't have an issue with taking a sick day or two for personal reasons.  It's not like he's a surgeon and someone is going to die because he wasn't at work that day.  He alters clothes, for pete's sake.  As long as he has the rent money on time and you have separate finances, you don't really have a dog in that fight.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: russianswinga on October 13, 2016, 04:50:17 PM
Update?
How did kicking him out go?
Is all of his stuff out of your apartment? If he's moved out, don't let him continue using your space as a free storage unit.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: englishteacheralex on October 13, 2016, 06:57:01 PM
That was quite an entertaining thread. I also want an update, but understand if Stachey doesn't feel like it. The whole time I was shaking my head...different strokes for different folks, but this is NOT a guy I would put up with for long. Then things got more and more obviously bad. Hope the fallout has been manageable.

And if you wound up together, hope the Halloween prep is going well.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: sobezen on October 13, 2016, 07:19:42 PM
Sorry to hear about your bf but from a man's perspective, I recommend asking him to compromise.  Deeds not words.  And it sounds as if you are more than reasonable especially since you are trying to create a life together.  I am actually a tad confused.  If he is genuinely on-board with embracing Mustachianism and I am assuming he has actually read Pete's articles, how can he justify his hoarding?  Pack rat habits aside it does not sound like he is compromising or communicating with you in a constructive fashion. 

I would give him some distance if possible and IMO if all else fails, separate.  It sounds like you recently kicked him out due to a variety of negative influences in his life and actions he has displayed.  I am sorry but he needs to be accountable for his actions, especially if he is creating a true partnership.  To me a third party, it does not sound like he is respecting your valid concerns, nor is he offering compromise solutions that help move both of you past these harmful behaviors. 

I wish you the best of luck, patience and mental peace.  Keep us posted, we are happy to help in anyway possible.  Cheers!
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: StacheyStache on November 11, 2016, 11:45:11 AM
*waves*

So I avoided this thread for such a long time because, following a long and loud 'discussion,' we did decide to try and work things out and I wanted to do so without any outside influence.  People tend to write about disagreements in a way that makes themselves look like Mother Theresa and the person they're disagreeing with look like Satan, especially when they're mad, and I'm no exception.  Don't get me wrong, Boyfriend was being an absolute dick during this time but to be honest, I wasn't being an angel either. 

On the last day of the con, what happened behind the scenes that I didn't know about until Boyfriend came home (and this was confirmed through independent sources) was Boyfriend finally shut that shit down with his so-called friends and their nasty comments about me and our relationship.   Physically in one case (no, no one was hurt).  He left early and came home and apologized profusely for what he said to me.  He said he realized the second he hung up the phone that he had gone too far and seriously fucked up. I apologized for my part in it as well, for being as some posters rightly called it controlling and for the things I said to him too.  We had a looooooong conversation during which we seriously considered if we were just too different to make it work.  Ultimately though, neither of us wanted that.  We love being with each other.  That's really all it came down to in the end.

Being different means we're going to disagree and argue but we need to learn how to do that appropriately.  Some outside help is probably necessary here and we're looking into counseling but things have been good so far.  We both have tempers but we've have made real efforts to control them, neither of us have raised our voices to each other or name called since.  I'm cautiously optimistic. 

Oh and Boyfriend finally agreed to start selling his costumes and even started a website for them.  He kept telling me no one is going to want this stuff but in the first few weeks he's already received some commissions for new (paid) work.  I knew he had it in him. 


Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: boarder42 on November 11, 2016, 12:29:55 PM
this is a great ending and a fantastic turn around.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: ysette9 on November 11, 2016, 12:31:06 PM
What a wonderful update. I am really happy for you that you have both made this progress. I wish you the best and hope you continue to work through your challenges through talking or even counseling if that is available to you. I hope your boyfriend sells lots of costumes!
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: StacheyStache on November 11, 2016, 12:37:34 PM
What a wonderful update. I am really happy for you that you have both made this progress. I wish you the best and hope you continue to work through your challenges through talking or even counseling if that is available to you. I hope your boyfriend sells lots of costumes!

It really was the best solution to packrat problem AND his low income problem.  He loves getting praised for his work but having people pay for your work is kind of the ultimate praise.  Things are still new, site just launched a few weeks ago so it'll be slow going for awhile but now he gets to work on his hobby, get paid for it AND isn't adding more costume crates to our apartment.  Win win!
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: begood on November 11, 2016, 12:55:06 PM
If you are comfortable sharing the website where he is selling his costumes, I know some folks who might be interested in looking at them.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: StacheyStache on November 11, 2016, 01:15:59 PM
If you are comfortable sharing the website where he is selling his costumes, I know some folks who might be interested in looking at them.

Absolutely, he was really encouraged by the kind things the Mustachians had to say about his costumes.  Here's the site: 

https://www.alterationsbyalex.com/
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: begood on November 11, 2016, 01:21:22 PM
If you are comfortable sharing the website where he is selling his costumes, I know some folks who might be interested in looking at them.

Absolutely, he was really encouraged by the kind things the Mustachians had to say about his costumes.  Here's the site: 

https://www.alterationsbyalex.com/

Thanks, StacheyStache!
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: mwulff on November 11, 2016, 01:46:08 PM
If you are comfortable sharing the website where he is selling his costumes, I know some folks who might be interested in looking at them.

Absolutely, he was really encouraged by the kind things the Mustachians had to say about his costumes.  Here's the site: 

https://www.alterationsbyalex.com/

Looks very nice, but as a pro web-guy I would suggest getting three frontpage pictures with the same aspect ratio, it looks clumsy when the black buttons don't line up properly.

Good look with the site and the relationship
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: StacheyStache on November 11, 2016, 02:01:56 PM
If you are comfortable sharing the website where he is selling his costumes, I know some folks who might be interested in looking at them.

Absolutely, he was really encouraged by the kind things the Mustachians had to say about his costumes.  Here's the site: 

https://www.alterationsbyalex.com/

Looks very nice, but as a pro web-guy I would suggest getting three frontpage pictures with the same aspect ratio, it looks clumsy when the black buttons don't line up properly.

Good look with the site and the relationship

Made some tweaks.  This is the first time either of us have made a website so any suggestions are more than welcome!
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: begood on November 11, 2016, 02:05:04 PM
If he wants to sell the costumes that are already made, it would be good to put prices and descriptions on them.
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: StacheyStache on November 11, 2016, 03:44:03 PM
If he wants to sell the costumes that are already made, it would be good to put prices and descriptions on them.

I think he does, but he's focusing on establishing the site as a costume design/alterations business right now.  It's kind of hard to explain unless you know him, but just putting himself out there and seeking paid work is a big step for him.  The plan for the near future is to make an additional page for gently used costumes sold as is at a discounted price but I'm not pushing him to get this done immediately (he needs to take everything out including the stuff in the storage unit and see what's still in good condition, make a list of what he has available, take some pictures and set prices so there's still some work to do here), I'm just incredibly proud of the progress he's made and that he's finally putting value on his work.

Publishing pricing for new stuff has been tricky since he doesn’t get a lot of requests for the same stuff he’s already made, he gets “can you make this *random picture*” and he usually says sure and figures out how much fabric/other materials he needs + how much time it will take and prices it out from there. 

The most recent request was for a My Neighbor Totoro onesie costume for a baby.  Basically this in tiny onesie form: 

https://image.tmdb.org/t/p/w185/zqko2cuFCwZWdBPoZTSS9U83jep.jpg

I can’t wait to see how that one turns out.   
Title: Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
Post by: mwulff on November 12, 2016, 12:35:20 AM
This could very well be the most bad-ass move of the year. Turning a relationship problem into a potential nice side business. If there was an award I would nominate you two for it,