Author Topic: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection  (Read 25853 times)

notactiveanymore

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #50 on: August 18, 2016, 10:14:38 AM »
Just posting some encouragement. I think you guys are on a good path. If you continue to respect that this is something he is passionate about and give him some room to continue a fulfilling passion (with caveats) then that will help him feel listened to and respected. But that doesn't mean he shouldn't have to answer questions like: what happens in another 3 years when we've got 5 more crates? why shouldn't your friends at least be paying to cover the materials for their costumes even if they don't pay for labor?

My husband was a competitive debater in high school and college and was super sentimental about the ridiculous amount of plaques and trophies. I didn't push him too much, but tried to ask questions about which ones were most important to him and how he envisioned storing/displaying them in the future. He slowly started letting them go. He ended up taking 2 boxes full from his parent's house and throwing the rest out. Then he got rid of another box later on. It just took some time. And as we got rid of things, he shared stories and told me about the different tournaments. I think he was just so opposed to getting rid of any at first because he thought it would be like forgetting his hard work, but eventually he realized them sitting in a box in the closet wasn't remembering them either.

So, my advice is to just keep gently pushing. If he isn't hoarding anything else, then I don't see why a nuclear option would be necessary. It seems to me like he is starting to see the light and it will just take a little time. I might have some ideas in my back pocket for times when he might need encouragement. I think going through 1 box a week might be a good plan. Maybe set a goal on each box to get rid of half the costumes. Or go through and sort into approximate sizes to sell in a batch at steep discount ($50 for 10 costumes).

Good luck with everything!

iris lily

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #51 on: August 18, 2016, 10:49:31 AM »
Your mistake was in not dealing with this before you comingled households.

When we got engaged and before we lived together, I knew that my negotiating power was the highest it would ever be. So I negotiated which [horrible, godawful] pieces of DH's furniture would have to go. He was 34 years old and had complete sets of antique and semi-antique bedroom, dining room, etc furniture.

I had a small house and 0 furniture I was attached to, I just had cheap functional hand me downs but that doesnt mean I wanted to live with all of his stuff. Ugh.

Anyway, we had to negotiate "stuff" and room for the same, still do that regularly after 27 years of marriage.

I see your bf as failng to live within boundaries he can afford. In this case and for his unique items,
I thnk one storage unit is reasonable, but no more.

That your bf  makes costumes is very very cool. It would make me sad that such cool costumes would not be used. I wish he could change his thinking about them and get those cool costumes out into the communty to be used.

 Were it me, that would give me great satisfaction. I don't like hangng onto my artistic products, I like getting rid of them, and if I can give them to somene who uses and appreciates them, that is a huge score! It is the process of creation that interests me more than the final product.


« Last Edit: August 18, 2016, 10:56:26 AM by iris lily »

Candace

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #52 on: August 18, 2016, 11:06:43 AM »
How about giving them to a museum? Then his costumes could be properly appreciated and cared for, hopefully viewed by people interested in cosplay, and he might even get a tax deduction or similar. There has to be a museum appropriate to the subject matter and audience.

ariapluscat

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #53 on: August 18, 2016, 11:13:06 AM »
How about giving them to a museum? Then his costumes could be properly appreciated and cared for, hopefully viewed by people interested in cosplay, and he might even get a tax deduction or similar. There has to be a museum appropriate to the subject matter and audience.
This is highly unlikely...

Captain FIRE

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #54 on: August 18, 2016, 11:34:57 AM »
We agreed that both sharing rent and utilities and sacrificing on space will save us a boatload of money...

He already has a small storage unit to store EVEN MORE of these crates and he really canít afford a bigger one.

Living together is saving you (personally!) half a boatload of money, right?  Use part of that to buy him a bigger storage space.  You won't have to look at the boxes, and you are still coming out ahead over living alone.

If there really is nothing coming out of the boxes, feel free to look father away for cheaper storage.

I'm not comfortable assuming he is 'out of control'.  A house full of boxes works just fine for a bachelor.

They split costs by income, so it's not clear that she's saving "half a boatload".  If she pays for the storage space, 1) she may not save money at all by the move and 2) she is enabling him to save even more costumes (exacerbating this relationship issue - and continuing to spend money he doesn't have).  Looking further away for storage is a good idea though.

A house of boxes may work fine for a bachelor, but he's no longer living in a bachelor household.  He's living with his girlfriend and a cat, and it sounds like there's no free space to walk and even their dining room table is unusable in that function.  This may not be out of control to you (it is to me - having moved frequently, having this many boxes around even before they crowd the apartment would stress me out), but they need to work out a compromise or the resentment on either side could doom the relationship before the lease is even up.

GuitarStv

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #55 on: August 18, 2016, 11:58:08 AM »
Halloween is just over a month away.  I suspect that a bunch of timely craigslist ads could net you some profit for a few of these costumes.

RetiredAt63

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #56 on: August 18, 2016, 12:45:59 PM »
Not OT, bear with me.  My DD used to compete in Irish Dance.  If anyone has ever been to a Feis you know how fancy and focused the dance dresses are (one shown below, just for fun ).  And of course dancers grow out of their dresses, and as they move to higher competition levels they need fancier dresses.  So there is a huge market in second hand dresses.
They are sold 2 ways - online (school and dance sites) and at a Feis.  When you walk down the halls at a Feis there are dresses all over the place, and some Feis will have special areas for selling dresses.  Dancers love this because they can try on the dresses (and accessories) right there.  Of course they don't fit perfectly, but there are talented Moms and there are alteration shops.

All this is to point out that the best place to sell the now unused costumes is at a Con, a big one.  Could you sort costumes while he sews?  Get each outfit put together with all its accessories?  Maybe search online to see which are most popular, or which might be losing popularity and should be sold now, not next year?  It might be worth while pointing out that money made from selling some would go to help finance his storage space and cover this year's costume (and Con) costs.  He also needs to do a budget (I know, no time right now) to see just how much this is truly costing him.  Given that he buys supplies in spurts, he may never have actually looked at total cost.  And yes, he may be willing to donate his time to friends, but he should not be buying supplies unless it is clear that a costume will be sold at the con it is being worn at.  His friends are probably not consciously taking advantage of him, this is just the way it has always been in their group, and the friends may be contributing in ways you are not seeing and your boyfriend has not been able to articulate.  Plus since this is an expensive hobby overall, wouldn't it be nice if making/selling costumes could cover all his expenses and he could go to more than one a year?  Honey/carrot versus vinegar/stick thinking.

MNBen

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #57 on: August 18, 2016, 12:49:28 PM »
He admitted he does have somewhat hoarder tendencies

While I have zero experience in his hobby, I have a lot of personal experience in the statement above.  So I thought I'd respond a bit from my experience, to give you a little possibly insight into his brain in the hopes that it'll help you, and heck, maybe provide some therapy for me too.

It took me a long time to realize I had hoarding tendencies.  In fact, it wasn't until I flipped to the hoarders tv show that I even knew it was a thing.  But a light went on.   Kind of like when I'd spent my entire life saving money, wanted to stop having to work as soon as possible, but didn't understand why no one else did.  Then I found MMM and the light went on!

I have received zero therapy for it, so this is all my own self-discovery and self-diagnosis.   From watching hoarders, it's usually at least one major event that triggers it.  In my situation, the year after graduating college, my hometown suffered a major flood and every house in the town had damage.  My parents also divorced when I was in high school and I moved away to go to college.  But during high school and college, I kept my stuff in my bedroom in my mother's basement.   My point is the basement flooded so I lost all of my stuff that was still at home.

As if that wasn't traumatic enough, I was the one who cleaned my mother's house and tossed out everything.  So I spent time seeing the piles and piles of stuff on the curbs.  Tons and tons of stuff going to the landfill.

From that point on, I know that I struggled to get rid of anything.  Somewhat, because it was the last stuff I still had from my past.  Somewhat, because I didn't want anything else to go in the trash if there was ANY chance someone else could use it.   Thankfully recycling was getting more popular and with more items, so that helped me find a place to dispose of lots of things I'd held on for way too long (years of old magazines, college notebooks, etc.). 

So my first advice would be to maybe find out what his traumatic event was.  There may not be something, but there very likely may be.  Helping to understand that, might help you understand what void he's filling.

Part two to my story, my parents divorce.  Another event which I still don't think I realize how much it affected me.  I didn't have good relationship role models and in fact, I just got married for the first time within the past year, in my 40s.   I was a "great guy" and would help anyone with anything, loved being depended upon, to be the hero, to be able to help people out, and earn all of those great feelings.  I think that was because I didn't get it as a child or in a healthy relationship.  I was trying to earn it, and seek it out, no matter what it meant to me.   So this could be part of his situation as well.  In his past, he might have felt some isolation or loneliness, and now he has this new group of friends that depend on him, that he makes happy, and he enjoys it.

And in my case, combine those two things and you see the issue...  here are all these tangible things that I made for people that they like, and I don't like to get rid of things.   *boom*   There it is!   I'm going to hold onto these things forever.

Where I'm hopeful for him and you, as I mentioned I am recently married.  I've been able to part with many more things, for many different reasons.   One example, I grew up in the Star Wars era and had a decent collection of figurines.  I couldn't part with those ever.  They were one of the few childhood things that survived the flood.  They were my favorite toys.  However, all they did was sit in a cardboard box in my basement and collect dust.   However, with the new movies coming out, my wife and her daughter agreed to watch the 6 movies with me.   The daughter loved them.  The wife thought they were just okay.  But still, the three of us went to the most recent movie together.  Guess what...  I took those figurines out, showed them off once to them, cleaned them up, put them on Ebay, and was MORE than happy to sell them and get rid of them.  I've never looked back.

I've also used Craigslist to sell many other things that I have for absolutely no reason to keep holding on to, but still had.   I still struggle to throw stuff away.  I love giving it to someone.   I just really can't throw it out unless I know there is no use or no one wants it.   So at least old magazines can be recycled, but old t-shirts are a perfect example of what I can't throw out... no matter how bad they get, I keep them to use as rags, but a person only needs so many rags!  :)   But I've since found companies that take old clothing and recycle them, or make them into rags.   Perfect!  I've unloaded a lot of clothing in rough shape.

My MMM knowledge has also helped me be more rational about the "cost" of storing these items even if it's just taking up space, or have been moved a couple times which I used to think was no big deal.   But it's also helped me from accumulating anything new.

I still have way too many boxes.  And it's still a struggle at times.  Occasionally I get up the motivation to open a few boxes, get rid of a lot of things, and maybe end up with just one box, which is still progress.

Also, for sure having a good, healthy relationship, has definitely helped.  She has been patient with me, and the more love I feel from her, the less I need some of these things from my past. 

So I'll finish by saying I can totally relate to your significant other, and will caution you to tread lightly, but also give you hope that with patience, I think it will resolve itself.   I agree with everyone to take interest in his costumes, or lay them out, take pictures, or whatever.   That is probably all he needs is some type of scrapbook to go back and show them off, not the actual costume itself.  He'd probably be fine selling them, especially after he sold one and realized the benefit of having the cash.  He might even be fine donating them to a theater or museum, or a costume shop, or something where he could occasionally see someone else benefiting from them.   Like how cool to have a kid come to his door for Halloween wearing one of his donated costumes.

I hope this insight has helped.   Have patience and like an onion, slowly peel back the layers and see what you find.  If you find a void, finding a way for his items to still fill that void, but in a different way, might be enough. 

And finally, if you do finally get him to sell one.  Don't push him right away for the second.  Wait and see.  Nothing would have been worse than having my wife just take a box and throw it out.  I would have lost all trust.   And any pushing to get rid of stuff only added to the stress.   You might have to do all the investigation on your own, trying to find a buyer, and then flat out ask... "hey I found someone who would like to buy your _____ costume for _______.   Are you interested?"  and see what he says, and if he goes ahead, then slow down a bit and see how it affects him. 

Good luck!!
« Last Edit: August 18, 2016, 12:57:45 PM by MNBen »

canuck_24

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #58 on: August 18, 2016, 02:06:05 PM »
Really well said MNBen!

Jouer

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #59 on: August 18, 2016, 02:20:02 PM »
I echo what some others have said: these will sell. He is a tailor so exact measurements will matter to him more than they do for others. His market is probably the casual convention goer who is not able to make the costumes themselves. People who wait until the last minute to decide they need a costume are you friend, your best market.

Price: I bet you could get $50 to $100 for each costume.

Your best channel is probably ebay to get the widest reach.

But I would also suggest local craigslist ads in the weeks leading up to conventions in those areas. I'm sure he can find a listing of conventions around the country.

Sounds like he doesn't have a lot of business spirit just yet so you may need to be his business manager. Selling his costumes might end up being a fun thing you to do together.



canuck_24

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #60 on: August 18, 2016, 03:31:48 PM »
He got super happy when one of y'all asked to see his costumes and sent me about a million pics.

These are awesome!  I'm not at all into cosplay/comicon/etc, but I do sew and I can appreciate the work that must have gone into creating crates full of work like this!  Wow!  Good for him.  And now that I see they really are of quality... it makes me a little disgruntled that he is keeping them locking in dark ol' crates!  Someone many comments back mentioned how sad the clothes must feel being treated that way... and I really agree with whichever person wrote that! 

I come from a family with hoarding tendencies, and I too clutch on to my material things more than an average person, and (again, like others have already suggested) the way I feel most comfortable about letting things go is twofold:
1. taking photos of it so that when I stumble on the photo in my digital storage I get a small warm glow
2. thinking about how useful it could be to someone else, and how much joy it might bring a likeminded person to get to have such a special thing that I loved or made (even better if I get the benefit of some cash from it!)

snacky

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #61 on: August 18, 2016, 03:37:15 PM »
Why has no one mentioned etsy yet? People go there for specific, handmade items. A shop with one-off costumes like these would do well.

Goldielocks

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #62 on: August 18, 2016, 03:47:14 PM »
So much better than what you can get from the chinese online shops....   (which I have done)


Let me know when the Etsy site is up and running.  My MIL is also a tailor (of sorts), and could certainly adapt these for the teenagers and younger cousins (20's) in my life...  Wonderful!

StacheyStache

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #63 on: August 18, 2016, 03:56:56 PM »
A few comments to the comments:

Me paying for a bigger storage unit is out of the question.  Nope, sorry, not gonna happen and I doubt he'd accept it even if I offered.  I will pay more to support our lives together, which I defined as shared bills, shared savings goals (travel etc) and a shared decision to rent this particular apartment at this price point knowing he can afford less than I can.  I will not pay more to support his hobby and he would never ask me to.  I also think even his small storage unit is a waste of money and it was very much his idea to get it, not mine.  That said I certainly wasn't going to stop him as what he does with his money is his business as long as bills are paid for. 

He had an etsy store some years back (in addition to costumes he makes accessories like hair bows, bow ties, scarves and clothes in general) before we got together but it never really took off and he quickly stopped it.  He's incredibly creative and talented and hard working but doesn't have much business sense and gets discouraged easily.  I'm the opposite:  I have a successful side hustle that I've been managing for years but I don't have an artistic bone in my body.  I suggested that he start a blog to document the costume building process and showcase his work and use that to get some traffic to a revived etsy store since he likes writing and is good at that too.  But I don't think he's willing or able to put much work into that right now since all of his off hours are being consumed by the upcoming convention.  After that's over we'll talk more about that.

As for participating in his hobby, I like anime and games too but never got into conventions because they were just too expensive and I was busy grooming my mustache.  Last time I went was when we were in college. BUT I'm going this year to see what all the fuss is about and even commissioned him to make me a costume (and insisted on paying him for materials and for his time to try and set an example.  That was actually a condition for me going that he had to let me pay him for a costume).  If he asks me to do something specific for the costumes like hold this or try on this I would but mostly he just wants to be left alone to work.  We have some other hobbies we do together, I'm fine with letting this be his thing.


former player

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #64 on: August 18, 2016, 04:37:54 PM »
I know you described your SO as a tailor, but to me those costumes scream design talent as well.  If you can harness your entrepreneurial interests to his design and making talents you could have a very positive solution to your initial problem.

russianswinga

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #65 on: August 18, 2016, 04:41:00 PM »
I will probably get kicked by quite a few people for saying this, but I can't hold it in -

Your boyfriend is a man-child. The dress up thing and con-going is something that most people grow out of in their teens. Some don't, and it's fine so long as it doesn't interfere with their lives.
I'm a huge geek (star wars, star trek anything sci-fi, but NOT comics, superheroes or fantasy). But I could never, ever see myself spending my own money, or time, or both, just to go to a place with other geeks. To me a convention is something you go to for work, when your company pays for it, to listen and learn from other people in your work field.

Since you've clearly stated that the above doesn't bother you in your SO, it's just the hoarding (and passively, spending $ he doesn't have) that does, my suggestion is 2-fold:

1. Encourage him to sell the stuff. Etsy site, or your own quick WordPress or Joomla site to list said costumes. Some can go on ebay. People WILL buy quality costumes (god only knows why??), and alter themselves if necessary. Nicely-modeled photos will help - modeled on a human body with semi-professional pictures and good lighting (not a flash or overhead).
2. See if this is something you two want to pursue together - a custom costume online business. Set up a booth at a smaller convention to break into the scene. He's an "engineer" - he does the technical side. Why don't you take on the sales + marketing? I'm sure that future, custom-ordered quality costumes can fetch hundreds, if not thousands. This can easily turn his hobby into a side-hustle, and instead of going to a convention as a paying fool guest, he will now be making money on them. Then the tables have turned.
3. Until the side hustles, keep conventions down to 1 year to lower hotel costs, etc. Remember - money spent on this is money that's not going to FIRE, and if you want to be with him for the rest of your life - that's not his money, it's your joint money for FIRE.

[edit] that was 3-fold, wasn't it?

Tris Prior

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #66 on: August 18, 2016, 05:16:46 PM »
Why has no one mentioned etsy yet? People go there for specific, handmade items. A shop with one-off costumes like these would do well.

Be VERY careful about listing anything fandom-related on Etsy. If you're caught using any sort of copyrighted words in your title and tags (for example, Star Wars, Pokemon, Doctor Who), you can get a Nasty Lawyer Letter telling you that the listing has to come down.

I personally know people who have had their Etsy shops shut down over this, and I myself have gotten two Nasty Lawyer Letters simply for tagging my items as "inspired by {movie name}", with no official images or anything used. (apparently it's 3 strikes and you're out so I don't dare do this ever again.)

"But Tris," you say, "I'm looking on Etsy right now and there are thousands of fandom-related listings on there!"

You'd be correct. Unfortunately, they don't enforce this policy consistently, which isn't much of a comfort if you happen to be the poor bastard who gets caught.

I think the idea of selling these costumes at cons is a good one. I think he'd do well, as long as he doesn't choose cons that have really expensive artist fees.

(ETA: In theory, he could list the stuff and just not tag/title it with anything fandom-related. That's how they bust you - if the copyrighted term is in your tags or title or description. Plenty of people do lots of creative wording to get around the forbidden words. Unfortunately that means his items would be harder for buyers to find, as people would presumably search under "Star Wars" if they were looking to buy Star Wars cosplay.)
« Last Edit: August 18, 2016, 05:20:11 PM by Tris Prior »

Astatine

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #67 on: August 18, 2016, 05:51:22 PM »
Love the costumes!

I will probably get kicked by quite a few people for saying this, but I can't hold it in -

Your boyfriend is a man-child. The dress up thing and con-going is something that most people grow out of in their teens. Some don't, and it's fine so long as it doesn't interfere with their lives.
I'm a huge geek (star wars, star trek anything sci-fi, but NOT comics, superheroes or fantasy). But I could never, ever see myself spending my own money, or time, or both, just to go to a place with other geeks. To me a convention is something you go to for work, when your company pays for it, to listen and learn from other people in your work field.


I've just been reading along but have to disagree with this. I have a number of friends (age range 20s to 40s) who LOVE going to conventions and a few of them do cosplay. I've never been to a convention because it's not my thing but I don't feel any need to disparage those who genuinely love and enjoy it.

The issue is the hoarding of costumes and to a lesser degree, not having costs covered by his friends.

StacheyStache

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #68 on: August 18, 2016, 06:34:57 PM »
Why has no one mentioned etsy yet? People go there for specific, handmade items. A shop with one-off costumes like these would do well.

Be VERY careful about listing anything fandom-related on Etsy. If you're caught using any sort of copyrighted words in your title and tags (for example, Star Wars, Pokemon, Doctor Who), you can get a Nasty Lawyer Letter telling you that the listing has to come down.

I personally know people who have had their Etsy shops shut down over this, and I myself have gotten two Nasty Lawyer Letters simply for tagging my items as "inspired by {movie name}", with no official images or anything used. (apparently it's 3 strikes and you're out so I don't dare do this ever again.)

"But Tris," you say, "I'm looking on Etsy right now and there are thousands of fandom-related listings on there!"

You'd be correct. Unfortunately, they don't enforce this policy consistently, which isn't much of a comfort if you happen to be the poor bastard who gets caught.

I think the idea of selling these costumes at cons is a good one. I think he'd do well, as long as he doesn't choose cons that have really expensive artist fees.

(ETA: In theory, he could list the stuff and just not tag/title it with anything fandom-related. That's how they bust you - if the copyrighted term is in your tags or title or description. Plenty of people do lots of creative wording to get around the forbidden words. Unfortunately that means his items would be harder for buyers to find, as people would presumably search under "Star Wars" if they were looking to buy Star Wars cosplay.)

The vast majority of his previous etsy endeavor was fashion accessories.  I think he had a small line about "I also do costumes and cosplay I am accepting commissions" or something to that effect.  He is adamant that if he ever did make a serious attempt at a business it wouldn't be for cosplay but mainly for accessories and clothes with cosplay on the side because there's too much competition for cosplay.  I disagree but again I don't know the business or the market.  His work in accessories and clothes is amazing too but again those are almost exclusively gifts for famiyl and friends, not for profit (but at least he actually gives those away and doesn't keep them all!).
« Last Edit: August 18, 2016, 06:36:35 PM by StacheyStache »

woopwoop

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #69 on: August 18, 2016, 06:43:40 PM »
He had an etsy store some years back (in addition to costumes he makes accessories like hair bows, bow ties, scarves and clothes in general) before we got together but it never really took off and he quickly stopped it.
Just a side note: lots of people have reported selling more with a female picture up for the shop instead of a male picture. So next time he starts his shop, I'd put your pic on there instead.

iris lily

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #70 on: August 18, 2016, 06:50:20 PM »
I cant help but think that OP MUST marry this guy and  have several children who participate in dance and other activites requiring costumes so that their dad can make them the best damned costumes in the freeking world!

Halloween as the ultimate event at their house goes witout saying.

Edited to add: pageants! OP's girls shouodould enter pageants, there is so much opportnity for costume making ther! I remember years ago there was a pageant dad who made costumes for his daughter on Toddlers and Tiaras. Haha kidding because there are few things less
Mustschean than child besuty pageants.
« Last Edit: August 18, 2016, 09:05:44 PM by iris lily »

SeaEhm

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #71 on: August 18, 2016, 08:41:31 PM »
I will buy his Luffy, Zoro, Sanji, Naruto, Sasuke, and Gon costumes.

misterhorsey

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #72 on: August 18, 2016, 11:22:05 PM »
He got super happy when one of y'all asked to see his costumes and sent me about a million pics.

Hey Stachey Stache

I can't remember why I stumbled upon this thread and I haven't had time to read all entries but this comment struck a chord.

It's actually inspiring to hear of someone who is able to spend so much time not only doing something he loves, but creating something in the process. I think we'd all love to be swept up in a hobby or pursuit that keeps us in the zone.

As a person with mild hoarding tendencies, I've recently been able to address them by realising that there's a tendency to confuse the love of a pastime/creative pursuit, with the paraphernalia associated with the past time or the creative pursuit.  As an example, I love playing music. But I'm not that great at it. So I used to spend a lot of time researching, then buying, then storing musical instruments.  More time doing that than actually playing music.

With your boyfriend, and going back to the sentence I quote, it's clear that he enjoys the fact that other's enjoy his work. Who wouldn't?

But is he retaining his past works because he's confusing keeping them with the joy he experiences in creating them, and the reaction he gets from his friends when he gifts them?

Is it possible to show your boyfriend that he could experience even greater enjoyment by sharing the costumes with others? 

It's obvious to everyone else that no-one is really getting any use out of the costumes when they are stored away. Not even your boyfriend.  He's focused on maintaining the collection and focusing on the loss of losing them, but its not like he is going through them and actually using them.  It's also obvious that there are people out there who would really love them and get some use out of them.

He could sell them for profit. Sell them to recover the costs of materials, or recover cost of materials and his time. Or he could even give them away?

The reason why I think this might be worth it is that it turns the giving of the costumes into something positive. He may not appreciate that each costume has nothing to offer by being hidden away. But if it's given or sold to someone else who appreciates it he can mine them for even more feelings of fulfillment!

It would allow him to share his creativity with others.  It sounds like there are plenty of people around who love his costumes but may not have the skill to be able to make their own. And by getting rid of them he could potentially make a little money on the side, and it may actually lead him to make more costumes or more elaborate costumes.

(I'm mindful that turning it into a commercial venture could tarnish the joy - dealing with fussy clients. Working to deadlines etc. So this needs to b be balanced as well. )

I've recently decided to get rid of a whole bookshelf of books I haven't read, didn't like, couldn't finish etc.  I'm offering them to co-workers for free.  When they were on the bookshelf I thought of them as 'I can't give that away I still haven't finished it'.  But now they are in cardboard boxes I look at them and think 'I can't believe I bought that.  Why would I buy that?'. I'm no longer keen on hoarding the books because I am exchanging them for freedom from clutter and the guilt of not having read something!  It was much easier to let go when I realised I was doing it to achieve positive change in my life.  Living in a consumer culture, its somewhat counter intuitive to think that you can gain more by letting go of things.

I guess I'm suggesting the shift in the way he thinks of the stored costumes may be easier if he could understand that getting rid of the costumes isn't necessarily a negative thing, but could lead to some positive outcomes.  Not just for you and space etc, but possibly for richer creative outcomes and the genuine appreciation of others.





StacheyStache

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #73 on: August 19, 2016, 06:31:52 AM »
Love the costumes!

I will probably get kicked by quite a few people for saying this, but I can't hold it in -

Your boyfriend is a man-child. The dress up thing and con-going is something that most people grow out of in their teens. Some don't, and it's fine so long as it doesn't interfere with their lives.
I'm a huge geek (star wars, star trek anything sci-fi, but NOT comics, superheroes or fantasy). But I could never, ever see myself spending my own money, or time, or both, just to go to a place with other geeks. To me a convention is something you go to for work, when your company pays for it, to listen and learn from other people in your work field.


I've just been reading along but have to disagree with this. I have a number of friends (age range 20s to 40s) who LOVE going to conventions and a few of them do cosplay. I've never been to a convention because it's not my thing but I don't feel any need to disparage those who genuinely love and enjoy it.

The issue is the hoarding of costumes and to a lesser degree, not having costs covered by his friends.

I see both sides.  We all have our weird hobbies.  A lot of people would think my personal finance blog reading and mustachianisms are weird and I know my boyfriend does but he puts up with it and has even learned a thing or two.  I think it'd be boring if I dated someone who was exactly like me.  I admit I do think he spends too much money on this and I'm hoping he's serious about scaling back, but it's not my money to spend or save and at least he's creating and working hard at something...there are a lot of significant other hobbies, some of which I've seen discussed on this site, that are a whole lot more frivolous and spendypants (see "shopping" as a hobby).   

On the other hand I thought it was going to be a hard sell when he met my super old fashioned conservative traditional parents but even my dad was impressed with his work and picked up that this could be a profitable side hustle.  I'll update in a few weeks after the convention is over to see what direction he's taking this.  It's ultimately his decision on how the crates make their exit as long as I get my dining room table back!

StacheyStache

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #74 on: August 19, 2016, 06:56:09 AM »
I will buy his Luffy, Zoro, Sanji, Naruto, Sasuke, and Gon costumes.

He says he doesn't have those but he could make them.  I think the ones he's done are Adventure Time, Final Fantasy 8, Final Fantasy tactics, Venture Brothers, Game of Thrones, some Zelda, some Star Wars.  I know he did a Naruto set at one point but not the main characters (he likes to do background characters and sidekicks more than the big protagonists).  There must be others given the size of the collection.  I'm not even sure he knows what all's in there anymore!
« Last Edit: August 19, 2016, 06:58:12 AM by StacheyStache »

MrsDinero

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #75 on: August 19, 2016, 07:20:14 AM »
Looks like the two of you are making progress into getting the storage space resolved. 

In regards to hobbies and making money, your SO has some real talent in making those costumes.  Assuming he has created a network of convention friends and people who see him as a regular at the conventions, I can't imagine he would have any problem getting a side business started.   If he is open to the idea, maybe get some business cards printed up before the next convention so he can pass them out to people who express interest in his costumes. 

Sandia

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #76 on: August 20, 2016, 12:46:29 AM »
I will probably get kicked by quite a few people for saying this, but I can't hold it in -

Your boyfriend is a man-child. The dress up thing and con-going is something that most people grow out of in their teens. Some don't, and it's fine so long as it doesn't interfere with their lives.
I'm a huge geek (star wars, star trek anything sci-fi, but NOT comics, superheroes or fantasy). But I could never, ever see myself spending my own money, or time, or both, just to go to a place with other geeks. To me a convention is something you go to for work, when your company pays for it, to listen and learn from other people in your work field.



Do you also disapprove of sports, russianswinga? Thousands of grown men (and women) spend stacks of money to dress up and go to stadiums full of other sports "geeks" every weekend/season/year.

Just because the OP's boyfriend's fandom is based on fictional stories doesn't make it inherently worse or more childish than a fandom based on violent games with arbitrary rules. Indeed, I'd probably consider an interest in complex stories and creativity far more mature than watching dudes in tight pants acquire brain injuries...
 

On topic, OP, would your boyfriend get satisfaction out of other people wearing his costumes? That might be a good angle to take to help him visualize the benefits of downsizing.

Another good angle might be a trade off: if he can reduce his costume stash, then can he get some proper (kitty-free, and out of YOUR way) work space for sewing? If you get the right coffee table that prevents you/guests from having to eat off laps, can you use the former dining area to house a work table?

Also, any chance we could see some more pics of human Pokemon costumes? :)

Fresh Bread

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #77 on: August 20, 2016, 02:49:51 AM »
Ok, have to chime in here, plus I am very interested to follow and see how this all pans out!!

I think it's great that you've had a talk about it, but I'm kind of disappointed that the offering from him was to only go to one convention a year and make less costumes because it makes me think he thinks it's all about money, not the hoarding and the being taken advantage of.

If he makes fabulous costumes and it sounds like he loves to do it, I think he should be making as many as possible! It might not be the fastest way to FIRE but it sounds like he'd be pretty miserable without this creative outlet so maybe FIRE is not for him. As long as you are living a life you love without hurting anyone why would that matter? I'm talking about his need to be creative here, not the hoarding as that is obviously hurting you.

So he must pass the costumes onto their new owners (these new ones must not come home!) and he must must must be compensated for the materials. His friends sound a bit tight! Being compensated for his time is less important if he loves it and isn't at all business minded. Some people just don't have the entrepreneurial spirit and that's ok.

Everyone else has already made great suggestions about reducing what's in the crates. If he sells costumes at this convention, wouldn't his trip and expenses become tax deductible? Maybe handing out a cheap business card with a link to a free photo sharing website with pics of his friends in their costumes (just ones already taken) plus a contact email address would be a very low effort way to give it a go. $10 outlay for the cards, a couple of hours of time putting some pics up. Sounds like he's not up for it yet but maybe an idea for the future.

poppan

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #78 on: August 20, 2016, 09:13:11 AM »
I'm a reformed packrat and being able to sell things really helped me to let stuff go. In the end I was happier to have it go to people who could use it and that I was getting money for it helped. So whenever the best platform is -- in his shoes I would try them all. Halloween is coming up I bet you can sell a lot on eBay.

Quince

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #79 on: August 20, 2016, 05:00:45 PM »
I have to say I love the costumes.

If I could sew that well I assure you that some of my day to day outfits would be pseudo-cosplay.  As many as I could get away with, in fact. Something like the first picture in jacket form? Yes, please.

meteor

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #80 on: August 22, 2016, 08:03:14 PM »
I have the same kind of partner.  The only way we could resolve it was to have separate spaces: closets, shelves, even areas of the fridge. Now I have nicely organized areas I can use and he has to deal with stuff pouring down from his shelves every time he opens a door.

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #81 on: September 02, 2016, 12:40:40 PM »
Sorry to hear things went south, Stachey, but I'm happy to see that you are moving forward (or at least reevaluating things) without blinders on. Best wishes.

boarder42

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #82 on: September 02, 2016, 12:45:06 PM »
yeah sounds like someone to move on from your values dont line up at all.

MrsDinero

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #83 on: September 02, 2016, 01:24:10 PM »
Sorry to hear about the bad weekend.  It sounds like you have a lot of thinking to do.

former player

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #84 on: September 02, 2016, 01:30:01 PM »
SO sounds both stuck in his existing ways and unable to make quick adjustments to plans, which would explain his behaviour this weekend and leading up to it.  The question is: does he care enough for you, and for the future you could have together, to change his existing ways?  The time to find out is once this weekend's long-panned and worked-towards convention is over.  He may always be someone who has difficulty adjusting to last-minute changes in plans, but he does need to be someone who can rein in the over-expensive and over-time consuming convention thing in order to build a life with you, and he does need to be someone who can demonstrate in what he does, as well as what he says, that he cares for you and takes your wellbeing into account however difficult the circumstances.

StacheyStache

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #85 on: September 02, 2016, 01:44:04 PM »
SO sounds both stuck in his existing ways and unable to make quick adjustments to plans, which would explain his behaviour this weekend and leading up to it.  The question is: does he care enough for you, and for the future you could have together, to change his existing ways?  The time to find out is once this weekend's long-panned and worked-towards convention is over.  He may always be someone who has difficulty adjusting to last-minute changes in plans, but he does need to be someone who can rein in the over-expensive and over-time consuming convention thing in order to build a life with you, and he does need to be someone who can demonstrate in what he does, as well as what he says, that he cares for you and takes your wellbeing into account however difficult the circumstances.

I agree it should be after this convention is over.  Counting down the minutes.  And I'm a little sad about that because up until now I was kind of looking forward to sharing that with him, despite the time and money suck.  This was just kind of the straw that broke the camel's back. 

I'm not saying we'll for sure break up but I do need some time to think both alone and out loud with him. 

Goldielocks

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #86 on: September 02, 2016, 01:54:41 PM »
It's pretty normal for him to be looking forward to "friend /buddy time" without you, and having trouble switching it all up at the last moment, even though the reason is EXCELLENT.

I would not sweat that one out for long.  Normal couple fight stuff.

Avoiding work to spend time on a hobby and then spending more $$$'s than he let on are definitely mistakes.   I can understand how this happened, as you don't want to disappoint your SO who has already been disapproving, yet you get really caught up in it.  I have done something similar when young 20's. 

But then I learned from my big mistake very quickly, and never ever put work second to a hobby again.  And I agreed not to lie (by omission), and that it was ok to tell my SO that I wanted time without him, with friends.  We talked about last minute changes not being my thing, etc.

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #87 on: September 02, 2016, 02:02:36 PM »
Putting work second to a hobby is not good. If you were married he could really impact on your financial future. He just sounds immature at this point with hoarder tendencies. I would not go to the convention but use this time alone to think about how you want your life to be.    Hugs:))

StacheyStache

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #88 on: September 02, 2016, 02:03:07 PM »
It's pretty normal for him to be looking forward to "friend /buddy time" without you, and having trouble switching it all up at the last moment, even though the reason is EXCELLENT.

I would not sweat that one out for long.  Normal couple fight stuff.

Avoiding work to spend time on a hobby and then spending more $$$'s than he let on are definitely mistakes.   I can understand how this happened, as you don't want to disappoint your SO who has already been disapproving, yet you get really caught up in it.  I have done something similar when young 20's. 

But then I learned from my big mistake very quickly, and never ever put work second to a hobby again.  And I agreed not to lie (by omission), and that it was ok to tell my SO that I wanted time without him, with friends.  We talked about last minute changes not being my thing, etc.

I asked if wanting buddy time was the reason and he swore up and down it wasn't.  That would have been totally different.  Like I said I didn't volunteer to go to this thing he asked me to go.  He even got miffed when I initially told him I wouldn't be able to take the Thursday and Friday off work so I'd have to miss those days!  That's why his reaction was so surprising and made me think there was some other reason why he had a change of heart...plus a few weeks ago I overheard his friend asking about shaving a Jamaican moose while they were up there (when they talk about weed they always talk in code, guess his friends think I'm too dumb to pick up on what it means).

mwulff

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #89 on: September 02, 2016, 02:07:06 PM »
Several people have mentioned "nuclear options", but honestly I think he may have taken the whole costume-making a bit too far.

I truly get that some people enjoy the whole cos-play/con scene and that is fine. I even think that it's fine to store some of your favourite costumes and keep them. We all keep mementos from our lives.

But hoarding them to such a degree is neither healthy nor practical in the long run. Also making things for friends and not having them pay for the materials is just incredibly stupid and honestly his "friends" are just jerks if they don't pay him (even if they have to force money down his pocket).

I think you need to step back and consider if, despite your mutual feelings, you two might have some fundamental incompatibilities. I suggest doing this now before you get your lives more entangled.

Good luck.

boarder42

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #90 on: September 02, 2016, 02:12:14 PM »
he could make piels of money on this. i dont know hwy he isnt selling.

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #91 on: September 02, 2016, 02:39:59 PM »
he could make piels of money on this. i dont know hwy he isnt selling.

Agreed. Those costumes are very well done.

It seems like he is taking the selfish route and refusing to accept adult responsibilities, like being considerate to his SO, skipping work to tailor costumes(at a huge expense that seems unsustainable), and not compromising on obvious problems.

Stachey, you have saint-like patience and are very empathetic. I think most others here would not have let this go on for so long without compromise. I don't really have any advice other than I hope everything works out for the best, whatever that may be.

MrsDinero

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #92 on: September 02, 2016, 02:54:21 PM »
It's pretty normal for him to be looking forward to "friend /buddy time" without you, and having trouble switching it all up at the last moment, even though the reason is EXCELLENT.

I would not sweat that one out for long.  Normal couple fight stuff.

Avoiding work to spend time on a hobby and then spending more $$$'s than he let on are definitely mistakes.   I can understand how this happened, as you don't want to disappoint your SO who has already been disapproving, yet you get really caught up in it.  I have done something similar when young 20's. 

But then I learned from my big mistake very quickly, and never ever put work second to a hobby again.  And I agreed not to lie (by omission), and that it was ok to tell my SO that I wanted time without him, with friends.  We talked about last minute changes not being my thing, etc.

I asked if wanting buddy time was the reason and he swore up and down it wasn't.  That would have been totally different.  Like I said I didn't volunteer to go to this thing he asked me to go.  He even got miffed when I initially told him I wouldn't be able to take the Thursday and Friday off work so I'd have to miss those days!  That's why his reaction was so surprising and made me think there was some other reason why he had a change of heart...plus a few weeks ago I overheard his friend asking about shaving a Jamaican moose while they were up there (when they talk about weed they always talk in code, guess his friends think I'm too dumb to pick up on what it means).

This is definitely something yo think about. If you feel THAT strongly about pot (for whatever reason) and he feels the opposite then to me that is a deal breaker.  I'm not saying one side is better than the other side but when it comes to things like pot there is no real "meeting in the middle".

ysette9

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #93 on: September 02, 2016, 04:03:19 PM »
As other posters have touched upon, it isn't so much about pot or costumes or what hobby you choose but the values that underlying those decisions. You value different things which means you have different values on how you spend your time and money. He clearly is showing himself to be less mature than where you are in life now and what you would like him to be. These things usually don't change. Relationships do take work, but they take much less work and have much more joy when the fundamental principles of each partner like up.

I don't know how much you have been through together but if you stay together long enough shit will eventually hit the fan in some way. When that has happened to me it has been an extraordinary blessing to have a partner on the same wavelength as me because that is just one less source of worry for me and instead a support. You and everyone else deserve to be with someone who shares your values, or to be content and satisfied without a partner. It sounds like you have some heavy thinking to do and whichever way things go, I wish you the best. Do keep us updated.

Bicycle_B

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #94 on: September 02, 2016, 04:06:51 PM »
Stachey, glad you updated the thread but sorry you had bad news.

I agree "sounds like couple stuff", but also sounds like "multiple points of immaturity make a pattern".

The posters who were hoard-y and gradually changed sound more responsive than Costume Whiz does.  (Props to his skills, though.)  Obviously whether you stay together or not, there will be tangled emotions for you, and learning. 

I don't want to counsel anyone to break up relationships with undue speed.  But as someone from a family where the hoarder guy got worse and worse until the day he died, I cannot counsel hope either on that front. 

Confident you will work it out one way or the other, though.  May your adventures be heartfelt and lead to wisdom.

Frankies Girl

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #95 on: September 02, 2016, 06:30:43 PM »
Is there any reason you can't just tell him plainly that you were very hurt and upset about his not wanting to go together, and that you are left with the feeling that the only reason he wanted to go up without you is so he could smoke pot? Because he should realize that this is where your mind goes when he hasn't got any clear answers or reasons for doing what he did, so you are left to fall back on past behaviors.

But I'd be in a pretty big hurty-sad-betrayal spiral if my SO did something like this and I definitely would not attend that convention because it sounds like he blew you off and fuck that shit. Stay home, stay safe and do some heavy thinking.

Oh and him skipping work to "play" with his hobby stuff, and spending even more excessively on hobbies that he does not have the money for than he admits (and is also endangering his job for - calling in too often will do that). Oh, hell no. That is a big fat adulting fail there.

Suggest once he comes back, in the calmest, most logical and detached way, explain what you think and feel about what is happening and your perception of what he has done and what he has hidden from you, and how this hurts you and your relationship. You are talking about a basic lack of trust, lack of concern and consideration for you as his partner. He is also endangering his job, and lying about money and drugs (and who knows what else frankly) to a person who he is supposed to be sharing everything with and most needs to be honest and connected to. I don't care about pot smoking, but it is illegal where you live and he knows you don't approve, so right there you have a strong disconnect in values. All of this just looks like a huge glowing red danger sign that he's not able to act as a responsible, mature adult and you will need to start thinking hard about what this bodes for your future.

If he responds with genuine contrite and thoughtful responses, then there is hope, if he gets angry or blusters or tries to lie/deny... then I'd be very, very concerned going forward.

So sorry. :(

MrsDinero

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #96 on: September 03, 2016, 05:56:33 AM »
 
Quote
I really don't know what to believe.

Yes you do, it is just not the story you want to believe.


Goldielocks

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #97 on: September 03, 2016, 08:16:43 AM »
StaceyStache..

Trust, but verify.


His big secret he has been hiding may be just about the costumes and its work impacts (very guilty), and that secret is bleeding over to his other behaviour.  OR He could just have wanted to keep you away from his friends who insist on smoking. OR  He could have not smoked himself, but the car was going to be a Hot Box ala cheech and chong... etc. etc.etc.

The challenge is too many secrets.  Not the pot, not the costumes. not the hoarding. not the money.  Just too many GD secrets.

begood

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #98 on: September 03, 2016, 11:34:52 AM »
*big hugs to you*

What a sad situation, StacheyStache.

I wonder if part of why he goes to so many conventions is because his friends provide him with pot on those occasions, but he can wave it off as being on vacation, so not "counting".

Bicycle_B

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Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #99 on: September 03, 2016, 12:15:34 PM »
Stachey, +1 on thinking.  You'll decide.  More power to you.

I am not a relationships expert, but I detest smoke smells esp. weed, tobacco, cloves.  I have dumped more than one incipient relationship over that exact reason.  And those were ones where the person's other characteristics were entirely trustworthy.