Author Topic: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection  (Read 25932 times)

Frankies Girl

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3035
  • Age: 82
  • Location: The laboratory
  • Typical Ghoul Next Door
Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #100 on: September 03, 2016, 12:18:11 PM »

And yes the first text message was a general 'you did a thing I didn't like, this was the thing, the thing bothered me because reasons, what's up with that?'  He gave me the same bs about how he did it for "us" and for my anxiety and to beat the storm.  I didn't buy that and asked him straight up about the weed.  He denied it and said he was just trying to play the guys off because they kept harassing him.  I really don't know what to believe.

On that note (the bolded bit at the end) ask him how he'd feel if you threw out/gave away all of his costume hoard (cleaned out the apartment and his storage unit) without him being around one day... to help him get over his hoarding issues?

He doesn't get to force you into situations that are not your choosing, just like you're not forcing him to do things he's not comfortable with. He's using other motives (secret/selfish) to justify "oh I was doing it for you" type crap. So that is bullshit.


Decided not to go even though the weather did clear up later this morning.  Tried to call last night so we could talk it out as there was no point in me driving all that way just to fight the entire weekend, but he made it very clear he was having a blast and had no time to talk (heard his friends in the background telling him to put down the phone and making rude comments that I won't repeat here, but some words involving felines and dominatrix equipment were mentioned.  They're all in their thirties...older than me in fact).  He did not ask about the storm or if everything was okay until I asked him if he was interested to know how long the power had been out and whether our fridge food was still good.  Yes that was a totally passive aggressive comment but I was mad.  After he hurriedly rushed me off the phone I decided I had heard all I needed to know about whether he actually wanted me there. 

Was seriously tempted to use PP's suggestion of the costume litter box but instead made some coffee and snuggled up with a good book.  It's the weekend and I'm going to enjoy it...and do some serious thinking.

And it is a very very big deal that he chooses friends that think it is okay to call his partner derogatory names and try to get him to do things without you that he supposedly gave up for you. He should be smacking that shit down when it comes up if he loves you. Lack of respect by his friends too.


Wow. He isn't really coming off as a very nice person at all.  Just keeps getting worse the more that is revealed.
« Last Edit: September 03, 2016, 12:20:37 PM by Frankies Girl »

snacky

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 9756
  • Location: Hoth
  • Forum Dignitary
Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #101 on: September 03, 2016, 01:03:34 PM »
This is not how I wanted the story to end. I hope your next story is a million times better than this one. <3

begood

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 971
Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #102 on: September 03, 2016, 01:43:37 PM »
What's that saying? "When he shows you who he really is, believe him."

I'm sorry it went down this way, Stachey. I don't know you but I guarantee you deserve better.

Having the lease just in your name will at least make that part simpler!
« Last Edit: September 03, 2016, 02:18:10 PM by begood »

former player

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4685
  • Location: Avalon
Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #103 on: September 03, 2016, 02:14:03 PM »
He has failed at Adulting 101, and probably always will as long as he kowtows to that group of "friends".  He may even be sorry when he gets back and realises what he's lost.  But as things stand, you are well out of it, however hard it feels at the moment.

Astatine

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3623
  • Location: Australia
  • Pronouns: they/them
Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #104 on: September 03, 2016, 02:52:45 PM »
Very sorry to hear this. Glad you have friends with you for support.

ysette9

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 5575
  • Location: Bay Area, CA
    • Insert Snappy Title Here (Journal)
Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #105 on: September 03, 2016, 03:10:28 PM »
I too, am sorry to hear about the tough time you are having. It must be such a disappointment and you definitely approached this with a loving, open heart. Unfortunately relationships don't work when only  one person is mature. I expect it doesn't feel this way at all now, but I really believe this will all be for the better in the long run. You clearly have your head on straight and deserve to be able to pursue your dreams either with the support of someone like-minded or at least without someone paddling in the opposite direction. Good luck. We are all rooting for you.

Frankies Girl

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3035
  • Age: 82
  • Location: The laboratory
  • Typical Ghoul Next Door
Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #106 on: September 03, 2016, 04:09:33 PM »
Awww. Dammit.

I was really hoping he wasn't as big a jerk as he was sounding, but unfortunately he's a massive douchecanoe.

BIG hugs and I'm so so sorry.

Very very happy you have friends to help out and support you. You'll get through this. You deserve someone waaaaay better than him. You take care of yourself.

Retire-Canada

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 6728
Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #107 on: September 03, 2016, 05:20:47 PM »
Bummer. *hugs* But better now than once you were married with kids.

You'll find someone who is a better match for you and be happier.

G-dog

  • Senior Mustachian
  • ********
  • Posts: 14381
Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #108 on: September 03, 2016, 06:03:39 PM »
Stay strong - he will whine and wheedle when he gets home. Tough shit - he can go live with one of his friends who think he is kitty- whipped.
If you start feeling like he is really sorry and he is going to change, remember back to when he called you a big bawling baby when you needed his support. I think we all know who the real baby is....

Sorry about all of this drama, but you will make it out the other side.

lhamo

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 9905
  • Location: Seattle
Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #109 on: September 03, 2016, 07:09:34 PM »
Well, to borrow a phrase from our friend Gray Matter's journal:

Fuck all the mother fucking fuckers.

What a fucking dweeb.  Hope he likes his pot-smoking dweeby friends a lot, cuz I predict he's gonna be crashing on their couches for a LOOOOONG time....

I'm also glad you have friends to turn to IRL.  They will help you get through this.  And your MMM friends are here, too, if and when you need us.

At least you'll get the fucking costumes out of the apartment!  And I bet you'll be able to fix it up real purty once all the crap (including secret pot smoking dude) have been moved out. 


RetiredAt63

  • Senior Mustachian
  • ********
  • Posts: 11681
  • Location: Eastern Ontario, Canada
Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #110 on: September 04, 2016, 07:20:03 AM »
So sorry, but actions speak louder than words and his actions are yelling at you.

If it is any help, I have a friend who is on his third marriage (what he called the triumph of optimism over experience).  It is great because, as he says, he married a grownup this time. 

Zoot

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 389
  • Location: USA
Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #111 on: September 05, 2016, 05:27:37 PM »
So sorry you're hurting.  Take care of yourself while you're grieving--treat yourself with the same compassion you'd show to your dearest friend.  Warm drinks, soft clothes, nourishing food, soothing sounds.  We're all rooting for you.

gj83

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 28
  • Location: NC
How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #112 on: September 06, 2016, 07:35:56 AM »
Have you been controlling in other relationships?  A lot of what you said emphasizes your attempts to control him.  You can't control people because that leads to them hiding the behavior you don't like and you also get into the vicious cycle where you control which makes him act out which makes you control more.

I've been you before.  I thought my ex would be perfect if he would just fix X.  He'd just hide X and I'd start to hate Y.  He'd hide Y.  We broke up and he actually finally fixed X and Y so I thought we could get back together, but then he would start back with X and Y and now adapt Z which I also wanted to stop.

So he wasn't a fit for me but I also needed to find someone I didn't need to control.

There is a man out there you don't need to control, then make sure you don't try to control him!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
« Last Edit: September 06, 2016, 07:37:32 AM by gj83 »

mskyle

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 693
Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #113 on: September 06, 2016, 07:46:51 AM »
Have you been controlling in other relationships?  A lot of what you said emphasizes your attempts to control him.  You can't control people because that leads to them hiding the behavior you don't like and you also get into the vicious cycle where you control which makes him act out which makes you control more.

I've been you before.  I thought my ex would be perfect if he would just fix X.  He'd just hide X and I'd start to hate Y.  He'd hide Y.  We broke up and he actually finally fixed X and Y so I thought we could get back together, but then he would start back with X and Y and now adapt Z which I also wanted to stop.

So he wasn't a fit for me but I also needed to find someone I didn't need to control.

There is a man out there you don't need to control, then make sure you don't try to control him!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I don't think that's fair - there's a big difference between trying to change a person and trying to set boundaries about how your common space is used, your household financial health (which would be in jeopardy if OP's boyfriend got fired for sicking out), and how you spend time together. Yeah, they weren't suited, and there was some wishful thinking on OP's part around the likelihood of the boyfriend getting his shit together. But saying "I need you to keep going to work so you can keep paying your portion of the rent" and "I don't want to live in an apartment that is completely filled with your hobby supplies" are pretty reasonable, non-controlling requests.

nobody123

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 524
Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #114 on: September 06, 2016, 08:14:25 AM »
Totally the right call to kick the man-child out and get out of a relationship that doesn't work for you.  The dude sounds like a loser.  At best, you are at different places in your life where you have a different view of what adulting looks like.  You can't drag someone kicking and screaming into your version of what life should look like, and frankly you shouldn't have to do that with someone who truly cares about you.  To make myself perfectly clear, you are making the right decision.

That being said, what did you realistically expect to happen when you are the only SO at a reunion of his pothead dress-up pals you admittedly don't care for?  You gave him the "just one more convention before you get your shit together" ultimatum, he decided to treat it like it was like any other convention, and you're upset that he did?  Let's assume he isn't a total jerk and told his friends that because he loves you and wants a future with you, he won't be attending as many conventions or making the costumes for free anymore, because he has to make some changes to build a life with you.  Assuming his friends are like any other group of guys, when they're away from their SO's they will devolve into overgrown teenagers making crude jokes and indulging in things that would get them in trouble at home, and now one of them is being p-whipped into not joining in the fun any more.  I could see where while in a room full of his 'bros before hos' drunk / high buddies, he would be a complete dick to you on the phone just so his buddies (who obviously didn't want the Debbie Downer who is trying to keep their fun buddy from hanging out with them there to ruin the weekend) would stop giving him shit.  In my younger days, I personally made that mistake once or twice.  It's NOT acceptable behavior, but I can understand how it happened.  The guy was in a no-win situation and was going to piss off someone.  He just made the wrong choice if his ultimate goal is a relationship with you.

I also don't have an issue with taking a sick day or two for personal reasons.  It's not like he's a surgeon and someone is going to die because he wasn't at work that day.  He alters clothes, for pete's sake.  As long as he has the rent money on time and you have separate finances, you don't really have a dog in that fight.

russianswinga

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 211
  • Age: 36
  • Location: San Diego, California, USA
  • Truth is just an excuse for a lack of imagination
Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #115 on: October 13, 2016, 04:50:17 PM »
Update?
How did kicking him out go?
Is all of his stuff out of your apartment? If he's moved out, don't let him continue using your space as a free storage unit.

englishteacheralex

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 2009
  • Age: 40
  • Location: Honolulu, HI
Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #116 on: October 13, 2016, 06:57:01 PM »
That was quite an entertaining thread. I also want an update, but understand if Stachey doesn't feel like it. The whole time I was shaking my head...different strokes for different folks, but this is NOT a guy I would put up with for long. Then things got more and more obviously bad. Hope the fallout has been manageable.

And if you wound up together, hope the Halloween prep is going well.

sobezen

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 374
  • Age: 890
Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #117 on: October 13, 2016, 07:19:42 PM »
Sorry to hear about your bf but from a man's perspective, I recommend asking him to compromise.  Deeds not words.  And it sounds as if you are more than reasonable especially since you are trying to create a life together.  I am actually a tad confused.  If he is genuinely on-board with embracing Mustachianism and I am assuming he has actually read Pete's articles, how can he justify his hoarding?  Pack rat habits aside it does not sound like he is compromising or communicating with you in a constructive fashion. 

I would give him some distance if possible and IMO if all else fails, separate.  It sounds like you recently kicked him out due to a variety of negative influences in his life and actions he has displayed.  I am sorry but he needs to be accountable for his actions, especially if he is creating a true partnership.  To me a third party, it does not sound like he is respecting your valid concerns, nor is he offering compromise solutions that help move both of you past these harmful behaviors. 

I wish you the best of luck, patience and mental peace.  Keep us posted, we are happy to help in anyway possible.  Cheers!

StacheyStache

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 246
Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #118 on: November 11, 2016, 11:45:11 AM »
*waves*

So I avoided this thread for such a long time because, following a long and loud 'discussion,' we did decide to try and work things out and I wanted to do so without any outside influence.  People tend to write about disagreements in a way that makes themselves look like Mother Theresa and the person they're disagreeing with look like Satan, especially when they're mad, and I'm no exception.  Don't get me wrong, Boyfriend was being an absolute dick during this time but to be honest, I wasn't being an angel either. 

On the last day of the con, what happened behind the scenes that I didn't know about until Boyfriend came home (and this was confirmed through independent sources) was Boyfriend finally shut that shit down with his so-called friends and their nasty comments about me and our relationship.   Physically in one case (no, no one was hurt).  He left early and came home and apologized profusely for what he said to me.  He said he realized the second he hung up the phone that he had gone too far and seriously fucked up. I apologized for my part in it as well, for being as some posters rightly called it controlling and for the things I said to him too.  We had a looooooong conversation during which we seriously considered if we were just too different to make it work.  Ultimately though, neither of us wanted that.  We love being with each other.  That's really all it came down to in the end.

Being different means we're going to disagree and argue but we need to learn how to do that appropriately.  Some outside help is probably necessary here and we're looking into counseling but things have been good so far.  We both have tempers but we've have made real efforts to control them, neither of us have raised our voices to each other or name called since.  I'm cautiously optimistic. 

Oh and Boyfriend finally agreed to start selling his costumes and even started a website for them.  He kept telling me no one is going to want this stuff but in the first few weeks he's already received some commissions for new (paid) work.  I knew he had it in him. 


« Last Edit: November 11, 2016, 11:49:14 AM by StacheyStache »

boarder42

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7849
Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #119 on: November 11, 2016, 12:29:55 PM »
this is a great ending and a fantastic turn around.

ysette9

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 5575
  • Location: Bay Area, CA
    • Insert Snappy Title Here (Journal)
Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #120 on: November 11, 2016, 12:31:06 PM »
What a wonderful update. I am really happy for you that you have both made this progress. I wish you the best and hope you continue to work through your challenges through talking or even counseling if that is available to you. I hope your boyfriend sells lots of costumes!

StacheyStache

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 246
Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #121 on: November 11, 2016, 12:37:34 PM »
What a wonderful update. I am really happy for you that you have both made this progress. I wish you the best and hope you continue to work through your challenges through talking or even counseling if that is available to you. I hope your boyfriend sells lots of costumes!

It really was the best solution to packrat problem AND his low income problem.  He loves getting praised for his work but having people pay for your work is kind of the ultimate praise.  Things are still new, site just launched a few weeks ago so it'll be slow going for awhile but now he gets to work on his hobby, get paid for it AND isn't adding more costume crates to our apartment.  Win win!

begood

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 971
Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #122 on: November 11, 2016, 12:55:06 PM »
If you are comfortable sharing the website where he is selling his costumes, I know some folks who might be interested in looking at them.

StacheyStache

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 246
Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #123 on: November 11, 2016, 01:15:59 PM »
If you are comfortable sharing the website where he is selling his costumes, I know some folks who might be interested in looking at them.

Absolutely, he was really encouraged by the kind things the Mustachians had to say about his costumes.  Here's the site: 

https://www.alterationsbyalex.com/

begood

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 971
Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #124 on: November 11, 2016, 01:21:22 PM »
If you are comfortable sharing the website where he is selling his costumes, I know some folks who might be interested in looking at them.

Absolutely, he was really encouraged by the kind things the Mustachians had to say about his costumes.  Here's the site: 

https://www.alterationsbyalex.com/

Thanks, StacheyStache!

mwulff

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 274
Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #125 on: November 11, 2016, 01:46:08 PM »
If you are comfortable sharing the website where he is selling his costumes, I know some folks who might be interested in looking at them.

Absolutely, he was really encouraged by the kind things the Mustachians had to say about his costumes.  Here's the site: 

https://www.alterationsbyalex.com/

Looks very nice, but as a pro web-guy I would suggest getting three frontpage pictures with the same aspect ratio, it looks clumsy when the black buttons don't line up properly.

Good look with the site and the relationship

StacheyStache

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 246
Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #126 on: November 11, 2016, 02:01:56 PM »
If you are comfortable sharing the website where he is selling his costumes, I know some folks who might be interested in looking at them.

Absolutely, he was really encouraged by the kind things the Mustachians had to say about his costumes.  Here's the site: 

https://www.alterationsbyalex.com/

Looks very nice, but as a pro web-guy I would suggest getting three frontpage pictures with the same aspect ratio, it looks clumsy when the black buttons don't line up properly.

Good look with the site and the relationship

Made some tweaks.  This is the first time either of us have made a website so any suggestions are more than welcome!

lhamo

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 9905
  • Location: Seattle
Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #127 on: November 11, 2016, 02:02:42 PM »
Oh yay -- so glad things worked out.  I thought the tailor SO sounded familiar when you started the journal but my brain didn't put the two things together.  Anyway, very smart to go offline and work things out in person.  I may be doing some of that myself over the next few weeks, as DH and I will actually physically overlap for parts of November and December.

begood

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 971
Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #128 on: November 11, 2016, 02:05:04 PM »
If he wants to sell the costumes that are already made, it would be good to put prices and descriptions on them.

StacheyStache

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 246
Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #129 on: November 11, 2016, 03:44:03 PM »
If he wants to sell the costumes that are already made, it would be good to put prices and descriptions on them.

I think he does, but he's focusing on establishing the site as a costume design/alterations business right now.  It's kind of hard to explain unless you know him, but just putting himself out there and seeking paid work is a big step for him.  The plan for the near future is to make an additional page for gently used costumes sold as is at a discounted price but I'm not pushing him to get this done immediately (he needs to take everything out including the stuff in the storage unit and see what's still in good condition, make a list of what he has available, take some pictures and set prices so there's still some work to do here), I'm just incredibly proud of the progress he's made and that he's finally putting value on his work.

Publishing pricing for new stuff has been tricky since he doesnt get a lot of requests for the same stuff hes already made, he gets can you make this *random picture* and he usually says sure and figures out how much fabric/other materials he needs + how much time it will take and prices it out from there. 

The most recent request was for a My Neighbor Totoro onesie costume for a baby.  Basically this in tiny onesie form: 

https://image.tmdb.org/t/p/w185/zqko2cuFCwZWdBPoZTSS9U83jep.jpg

I cant wait to see how that one turns out.   

mwulff

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 274
Re: How to get packrat SO to compromise on his stuff collection
« Reply #130 on: November 12, 2016, 12:35:20 AM »
This could very well be the most bad-ass move of the year. Turning a relationship problem into a potential nice side business. If there was an award I would nominate you two for it,