Author Topic: How to get Adult Children out of the House?  (Read 22511 times)

FIstateofmind

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #100 on: June 20, 2016, 10:27:02 PM »
I didn't move out for good until I was 27, right before I got married.  I was working full time and saving money.  I like to think I helped out at home, but I probably didn't do as much as I should have.  I did live independently for a while before that, until I graduated college at 23.  I worked and paid my way through college while living on my own, so it wasn't like I was a complete burden from 18 to 27.  I guess I was a boomerang kid for 4 years.  I don't think my parents minded that I was there.  I worked close by and it made a lot of sense for me to live at home and save up.  They knew I planned to stay until I got married.  Yeah, I gave up some freedom, but I mostly got along well with my parents and it was a great trade off for the savings for me.  We talked about them charging "rent" and saving it on my behalf, with the intention of returning the "rent" to me as a down payment on my first house.  But ultimately decided we didn't need such arrangements given my proclivity to save on my own.    And I never would have complained about a shower head.

Also, my parents are immigrants to the US, so it isn't the typical "you are 18, get your stuff and get out" kind of thinking in our family.

I'll let my kids stay as long as they want, provided they are being productive and responsible.  And respectful of the other residents in our house.  They are only 5 & 7 right now, so adult children in the house is still a far away prospect...

My parents have the same attitude. Makes me really consider moving back in to save for a bit... but there is so much external pressure to move out since it's looked down on in society.

Like seathink said, some families philosophies differ. My family never taught me to be independent, and they would encourage me to stay home. Makes it difficult to move out.

mxt0133

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #101 on: June 21, 2016, 12:47:26 AM »
I moved out of my parents' house because they said "You are 18 years old so we are no longer legally required to provide for you. Pack up your shit and get out of here." And I've been on my own ever since. Coincidentally, my parents have been sniffing around since I'm doing well financially now and they are getting up there in years. I told them "You are in your late 60s. I'm not legally required to provide for you. Hope you can afford a good retirement home."

Sorry to hear that.  I never understood why some of friends couldn't wait to move out or even talked about running away when I was in high school.  I mean why the hell do I want to leave home where I get a room, cooked meals, laundry facilities, cable, and utilities for free?  It wasn't until I started getting to know the relationship they had with their parents.  It really made grateful and appreciative of how generous my parents are with me and my siblings.

tonycar17

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #102 on: June 21, 2016, 02:42:05 PM »
Finished my undergrad and moved home for a short period while I looked for a job.  Was there for 5 months before I found my first job and left as soon as I could find an apartment and a couple of roommates.  Never came back after that, except to visit, lol.

There were no crazy rules or anything to follow, and I was charged rent (which I felt was fair because I was 21 at that point and needed to begin acting as a responsible adult).  I feel like my parents did a good job getting me ready to function in the real world - and that it was their expectation that I would be an adult when I hit that 18 year old mark (21 after college) and that, more than anything, has led to my being fairly successful in life. 

I think that if you communicate early and often about expectations and lay that all out before you get "in the moment", then there are no surprises.  My wife and I talk about this often as the parents of two young boys (9 and 7).  She sometimes talks about how they will always be welcome in our home and I counter with - not once they hit adulthood (as you can imagine, this leads to some interesting conversations). 

There is just a time that the birds need to get out of the nest and learn to fly.  By allowing them to stay at home forever, you stunt their personal and social development - it simply is not OK in my mind to be a 25 or 30 year old adult living at home with your parents.......unless there are extenuating circumstances driving that (health, for example).

I dunno, maybe I am just old school that way.

TC

Cassie

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #103 on: June 21, 2016, 03:25:39 PM »
My 3 sons boomeranged back home a few times when they either decided to finish college or hit some hard times. I did not charge them and I didn't set any rules.  I didn't mind helping when it was really needed. However, I would not let them live here and not go to work or school, etc.  They are all independent now.

Daisyedwards800

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #104 on: June 21, 2016, 03:56:52 PM »
I moved out of the house to go to college at 18, and came home in the summers.  After I graduated, my student loans were coming due in 6 months, and they were substantial.  There were several reasons I decided to move out of town and into my own apartment:
1) The area around my family home had very few and possibly no jobs that paid enough to handle the loan expense (even after factoring in rent!)  Any entry level job I would find would only pay $18-25k a year, while the jobs I saw in the big city paid $35k-55k if you added in overtime.  I needed a job that paid $50k at least.  So even after rent of $700 a month, I was way more liquid living away from home than living in the home.  Yes even at age 21 I did those calculations.
2) Even if I found a decent job paying say $35k-40k in my hometown, there was no growth path in that area.  I would be stuck in that job and out of luck if the job went away.  No promotional opportunities.
3) I would need a car, which was an added expense that I didn't have in the city.
4) My boyfriend was living in the city, and so were many college friends I had made.  I made the choice to go to college in a city that had great internship and economic opportunities on purpose.

So those are a few reasons.  I knew I would never get out of the financial hole I was in by living at home.

I have a friend who graduated and was barely employed for several years because he thought he "couldn't afford" to live in the city, with its high rent.  What he didn't think about was that there were no jobs where he lived, even though he got free rent.

Capsu78

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #105 on: June 21, 2016, 04:10:02 PM »
2 weeks after college graduation I said goodbye to my parents at the end of our driveway to move to the left coast.  It would be the last time I lived in the same time zone as them.
Both my adult kids stayed with us after graduation when they were buying homes.  I must admit I enjoyed having them and their spouses and kids and dogs around more that I cared to admit... They did tell me they never wanted to watch another episode of The O Reilly Factor again so a heavy rotation of Fox News when trying to help "little birds fly" can't hurt anything.

mtn

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #106 on: June 22, 2016, 02:25:29 PM »
2 weeks after college graduation I said goodbye to my parents at the end of our driveway to move to the left coast.  It would be the last time I lived in the same time zone as them.

My cousin hasn't lived in the same time zone as his parents since he was 20. Of course, he only has to go across the street to get to the same time zone, but still!

FLBiker

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #107 on: June 22, 2016, 02:56:33 PM »
Interesting question.  We've got a 1 year old, so I haven't thought a lot about this.  Also, both DW and I have had a bit of flexibility in terms of living w/ our parents, and neither of us abused the privilege.

Went to college @ 18, came home summers.
Post-college, lived w/ folks for almost a year, paying rent.  Rent was below market value, as it included use of a car, groceries, etc.
Moved to Taiwan. (5 years)
Moved to Hawaii. (2.5 years)
Moved to China. (1 year)
Lived w/ folks for 5 months, no rent.
Moved to Florida. (8 years and counting)

In looking back at this, I like the way my folks handled it.  They charged me rent post-college to encourage me to move on.  Later in life, when I was re-locating / looking for work, they let me stay with them rent free.  I'd like to do the same for my kid -- encourage independence, but provide space in unsettled times.

As far as what got me to move out, there wasn't anything in particular.  I always intended to move out.  Why would I want to live with my parents?

marcela

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #108 on: June 23, 2016, 11:24:53 AM »
While in college I lived on campus because it was paid for via scholarships and I also sent home money every month (paid the water bill).
Over summers I lived at home and usually worked part-time jobs, continued to pay a bill.
Graduated, packed up my stuff and moved to GA for grad school making a whopping $10,700/yr.
Dropped out of my program 6 months later, moved back in with parents. Found work as a barista then temping for $10/hr.
Moved out 2.5 years later when I got married.

Why it worked for us: In my culture, it is expected that children will live at home until marriage. I had to live under house rules, but I had lots of friends who I could stay with if I knew I was going to be out really late. My boyfriend moved to the same city 6 months after I moved in with my parents, so I lived at his place half the week. When I was home, I took up a share of the chores, cleaning/laundry/ getting groceries/cooking. My parents and I have a good relationship and they enjoyed having me there since they worked opposite shifts from each other and would have been alone at home otherwise. It was nice to have an extra set of hands to help around the house.
I expect that in the future, if they need it, my parents will move in with me.

seathink

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #109 on: June 23, 2016, 02:11:26 PM »

  Why would I want to live with my parents?

I keep meaning to post this story in "Relatives Who Don't Get It" but equally applicable here:

After my uncle divorced in his late thirties he moved back into my grandma's basement and never left. I was maybe 5 or so. My cousins (obviously) lived with their mom. He did work the entire time, night-shifts at the Post Office, and then retired on his government pension. My parents were visiting back home after my sister and I had graduated college/my brother had left for school and we'd all permanently moved out. So, two decades later, give or take.

My uncle gets super excited that mom and dad are empty nesters. He says, "Now that the kids are gone you can move into mom's basement next to me! Sell your house and come on!" He honestly thought the only reason my 60 year old parents didn't live at home still was because of us kids, and thought all objections raised were still excuses.

Kiwi Mustache

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #110 on: June 23, 2016, 07:48:09 PM »
Tell them no sex at home.

Made my 23 year old cousin move out within a week.

onlykelsey

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #111 on: June 23, 2016, 07:50:11 PM »
Tell them no sex at home.

Made my 23 year old cousin move out within a week.

My aunt and uncle made me and my husband sleep on different floors when we visited.  It can't really be a religious opposition, maybe just an "ick" one.  I mean, I don't mind, it's just interesting.

mtn

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #112 on: June 24, 2016, 08:15:38 AM »
Tell them no sex at home.

Made my 23 year old cousin move out within a week.

My aunt and uncle made me and my husband sleep on different floors when we visited.  It can't really be a religious opposition, maybe just an "ick" one.  I mean, I don't mind, it's just interesting.

Uhh... but you're married? I can understand it if you're not, but you're married!

onlykelsey

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #113 on: June 24, 2016, 09:18:05 AM »
Tell them no sex at home.

Made my 23 year old cousin move out within a week.

My aunt and uncle made me and my husband sleep on different floors when we visited.  It can't really be a religious opposition, maybe just an "ick" one.  I mean, I don't mind, it's just interesting.

Uhh... but you're married? I can understand it if you're not, but you're married!

I know!  With my previous boyfriend of five years, we also had to sleep on different floors.  I assumed it was religious AND ick, because my uncle STRONGLY disagreed with said boyfriend and I renting a two bedroom.  Maybe he thought we'd share a bed and never touch?   

They like my husband (and liked my old boyfriend), so it's interesting.

Helvegen

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #114 on: July 07, 2016, 05:24:36 PM »
Moved out at 22 to move to another country and marry my husband.

Moved back in at 26 because I had no future in husband's country and neither did he really.

Moved out at 27 when I got my first real adult job (you know, ft w/bennies).

Moved back in at 28 after lay off, economy sucking hard (we could only find pt work), and realizing we were never going to be able to save up enough money to move to the West Coast if we didn't.

Moved out at 29 and life has been fantastic ever since.

It may well end up being that my mother has to move in with one of us children (she has no retirement) and thus the circle completes itself.

Personally, I see no real reason to kick my daughter out at some pre-set age. As long as she is being productive, contributing something to the household, and not being a lazy leech, I really don't care how long she ends up staying.


dpfromva

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #115 on: July 08, 2016, 04:58:12 PM »
I recently told my two kids (20 somethings) that they were amazing and I appreciated that they were living on their own when a third of their generation is living with parents. They actually both left for freshman year of college and never came back! Yes, I help out with things -- e.g., major car repair, dental work, security deposit. I think it's a lot harder out there than when I was coming up. I "lived" at home in the summers during my college years but I worked as a camp counselor so I wasn't actually there very much. I took whatever job I could after graduating, staying in my student apartment after my housemates left for that last summer and kept interviewing for "real" jobs until I got one. (Thank goodness my landlord was a pushover, I traded him all the furniture for 2 months free rent.) Like others say, in our family there was just an expectation you would become independent, with the understanding that the family would be there for you in an emergency. And oh, yes, the house rules. My first summer home after freshman year, I got in at 2 a.m. after hanging out with friends, and my Dad was standing there in his PJs growling, "You're grounded!" I said, "What do you mean? I'm going back to school in 2 days." We stared at each other and both just started laughing. Later, when I visited with my future spouse, we had to stay in separate rooms. Got my revenge, though. When my 72 year old widowed Dad came to visit with my future stepmother, I said, "OK, you two, separate rooms." "Damn," my Dad said, "I knew you were going to do that." He thought a little and then tried, "Um, that was your Mom's rule, not mine." "OMG, what BS -- and you just threw Mom under the bus and she's not here anymore to defend herself!" Yeah, I let them stay together . . .

Cassie

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #116 on: July 08, 2016, 05:06:41 PM »
Cute story! Glad you gave the old folks a break:))