Author Topic: How to get Adult Children out of the House?  (Read 22509 times)

Goldielocks

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How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« on: June 15, 2016, 08:18:10 AM »
On a different Thread, the OP asked if they were being unreasonable because they switched out to very low flow shower heads, after accepting 4 adults (related) into their home to "help them get on their feet".

My thought is that it is "house rules" as much as savings that encourage our adult family to move into their own place.

Why did YOU move out of your parent's home?  Why did you look for a job that took you away, or what "house rules" or annoyances encouraged you to become independent?

I will start:

I moved out for two reasons -- I took a 4 month contract out of town for my first "real" job, but it was easy to go and never come back because of house rules including:
. worrying parents if I stayed out past midnight (not a curfew, but I knew it disturbed their sleep and they worried)
. 20 year old single bed with a spring that poked out.  Buying furniture for myself never occured to me.
. not being able to leave anything outside of my room for more than 3 hours.  Shoes at the front door, purse near the stairs, laptop on the end table, etc.
. only using the kitchen if I left it immaculate, and not when my mom may want to use it.   
.  General feeling like it was their house, their ways, and I was not invited to request any changes to the order in the home...  had to ask if I wanted to store anything outside of my room, use common space in a different way, etc.
. having friends over, this was not really the place.  (I don't mean romantic interests either... any friends over was a bit awkward unless a formal invite for a barbeque that included my parents).
. suburbs away from other friends.

What about you?  Why did you move out of your home?

What would work to get Adult "guests" out of your home more quickly?


TheInsuranceMan

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #1 on: June 15, 2016, 08:25:51 AM »
Left at 18 for community college, moved back in at 20 for the summer, and then took a job 2 and a half hours away. 
No house rules, could do what I want, come and go as a pleased.  No forcing me to move out.  But hell, you've got to "adult" sometime, right?!

MrsDinero

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #2 on: June 15, 2016, 08:32:47 AM »
I left home at 17.  My parents made a big, life decision that was very good for them but not so good for me.  I never moved back.  It was very hard leaving at age 17 and I struggled a lot, but I am very proud of my path and where it has led me.

ETA:  Siblings

Older Sibling:  Was forced out at age 19.  He was sleeping until noon, working part-time at fast food restaurant, and just hanging out with friends until 1 or 2 in the morning.  My parents gave him 4 choices:
- Go to school full time
- Work full time
- Join the military
- Get out
He chose the military.  20 years later (after he retired), he moved back in with my parents and pretty much fell into the same pattern.  Sleeping late, playing video games, lots of unemployment, the only difference is his military pension.  During an argument about his constant unemployment and his living at home for the last 3-4 years, he let it slip that he was only living there to establish "ownership" of the home so that when they pass, the house would become his only.  It had to do with a some sort of loophole about him being my parents dependent (but not the tax kind) after a certain number of years and therefore would not be able to be evicted in the time of their passing if the house was to be part of an inheritance left to us kids.  Clearly he had done his homework.  After that they told him he had to go.  He moved into an apartment complex across the street, sometimes works part time, lots of unemployment, and plays lots of video games. 

Younger Sibling:  Moved out at age 25. He was 1/2 way through grad school (full time), working full time, & saving money.  He moved out when he paid off his car that he bought himself as a graduation present for his bachelors degree.  He is still moved out and working insane hours towards becoming a partner in his firm.  When he lived as long as he kept his grades up and paid for his books and fees, he didn't have to contribute to the household expenses.
« Last Edit: June 15, 2016, 09:15:00 AM by MrsDinero »

stoaX

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #3 on: June 15, 2016, 08:40:14 AM »
I left at 19 to be with my then girlfriend / now wife who lived on the other side of the country.  I loved my parents and they provided a great home for me but I couldn't wait to get out on my own.

StarBright

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #4 on: June 15, 2016, 08:58:17 AM »
I moved out at 18 for college and got married right out of undergrad. I moved back in with my folks for a few months after I split with my ex. I had a blast and would have been happy to stay with my parents for several more months or even a year but I was having a really hard time getting a job in their town. I was temping in an airline MRO and couldn't get a stable shift and I knew I wanted to find a way to use my degree.

I moved back to the same city where I went to grad school and found a job and haven't lived near my parents since. It makes me sad because my parents are awesome but you do what you have to do.

My little brother lived with my parents for a LONG time (until he was about 27 or 28). He has OCD and is not comfortable in unfamiliar areas. My parents started charging him rent at some point and eventually a house came up for sale on the same street where we grew up. My parents gifted him back the rent he had paid (plus a little extra) and encouraged him to put a down payment on the house with it. He bought the house and it was a perfect solution for everyone.

My BIL lived in my inlaw's poolhouse from right after college until he was about 37. He would have been happy to live there forever (as would I - it is a gorgeous, small one bedroom house with an awesome yard and pool) but his new wife insisted that they get their own place (good for her!)

sis

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #5 on: June 15, 2016, 08:59:12 AM »
I went to college at 18.  I came back for one summer and it just sucked.  Having a southern, conservative, racist, republican stepfather just didn't mesh well with my hippy liberalism.  I wound up crashing with friends a lot that summer and over subsequent summers I lived in on campus housing.  I worked three jobs simultaneously during undergrad to make sure I'd have enough saved up to never have to move back in with my parents after college.

HappyHoya

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #6 on: June 15, 2016, 09:10:44 AM »
I left for college but returned for a few weeks after graduating while I was waiting for a new job to start. I left for good one night after a horrible fight about the stupidest thing. My parents are hardcore super spendy neo-cons and this was in the midst of the financial crisis while they were watching everything they believed in crumble around them. It was a tough time for them to be sure, but they were so anxious that every word or action was suddenly a political war. The fight that ended with me leaving was about a friend who was hanging out with me earlier and we were commiserating about the job market (this was the summer of 2009, when layoffs were the worst they were through the entire economic downturn). My mother, who has never financially supported herself, thought it was an appropriate time to go on a tirade about how we just need to believe in the American Dream and it's our own fault for being defeatist. Apparently, if we just spent money with abandoned, we could make jobs for ourselves!!! Never mind where the money was supposed to come from. That was the last night I lived with them and a turning point in the journey that brought me here. They've been complaining about how empty their McMansion feels ever since.

TL;DR: If you want your adult children to leave, be crazy, mean, and insult their friends.

GuitarStv

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #7 on: June 15, 2016, 09:10:55 AM »
I came home from University.  My dad introduced me to the guest room, and told me that I was welcome to stay in the guest room for a short while but I'd have to pay rent if I wanted to stay for longer.  The guest room was my old room.

I moved in with some roommates and got a job a few days after that.

bobechs

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #8 on: June 15, 2016, 09:14:36 AM »
Joined up.

Would have been happy enough to continue to live at home and i think Mom would have liked it, Dad much less so, but the CG had completely different ideas.

Fishindude

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #9 on: June 15, 2016, 09:15:42 AM »
We were raised pretty independent and always had to work if we wanted any money for "fun stuff", so have been working pretty steady since about age 12-13.
No real issues with the parents, just wanted to be on my own, got a good job right out of high school and couldn't wait to get moved out.   Within a couple months of HS graduation I moved out, bought my own car and was doing my own thing.

Always rented cheap places shared with a buddy or two when I was a bachelor.     Had some wild times in those days, probably lucky to have lived through them.
Spent two years renting an old junk farm house out in the boonies with a buddy, that place was an ice box in the winter and we heated entirely with wood.

Took marriage, kids and a mortgage to get me on the right track.

Spork

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #10 on: June 15, 2016, 09:19:23 AM »
I moved out to go to college (which was highly subsidized by parents).  The idea of returning home afterwards didn't even really occur to me.  I had more freedom away from home and saw the opportunity for real money of my own.  Sleeping in a twin bed in the room next door to Mom & Dad didn't even really sound like an option.

On the flip side: I have a relative that's creeping towards 30 that hasn't done much college and has never held even a part-time, minimum wage job.  I see no indication they will move out ever.  Mom's beginning to start worrying, but not enough to put her foot down.  (That's just not her style.)

boarder42

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #11 on: June 15, 2016, 09:24:09 AM »
moved out for college still lived at home for summer intenships that were near the city they live in.  moved back in for 1 week after graduation - i purchased a home to take advantage of the 8k the govt was giving away and bought a foreclosure - recently sold for a nice profit if you consider the amount i had invested - around 35k in principal made 20k in profit. on that. 

SomedayStache

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #12 on: June 15, 2016, 09:31:35 AM »
The parent to child dynamic is what made living at home untenable.

When I returned home during breaks from college my parents still enforced a curfew on me.  I was expected to do chores on my parents terms and at the times they wanted.  Ummm...nope.  I was 100% self-supporting by 19 and out of there.

But with the same set of parents my brother still lives at home at 31 (He does have Asperger's and some other difficulties, he tried living in his own house for a few years but it basically sat empty while he continued eating and sleeping at my parents.)  He pays rent to my parents and is responsible for a portion of the grocery money.  He does chores and tasks that my parents are getting too old to do.  I think we are all beginning to accept that he might just live with them forever - this might be part of why my parents bought themselves a motor home which will enable them to 'get away'.  I'm actually starting to worry what he will do when they eventually die - the will is already set up as a special needs trust for him...but I don't know if I can handle suddenly becoming my brother's only source of socialization.

SimplyMarvie

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #13 on: June 15, 2016, 09:39:09 AM »
Moved out for college, came back for the occasional summer and as a pit stop between life events (we stayed with my mom for two months between our honeymoon and starting grad school). The biggest thing that drove me out was transportation -- I didn't have a car, couldn't use my mom's and the bus was a pain in the ass. This was Minnesota, so biking was perilous 6 months out of the year. Even when I was living 'at home' I spent as much time as I could with friends so I didn't have to deal.

Uturn

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #14 on: June 15, 2016, 09:51:23 AM »
I left at 18, came back for 2 months 8 years later after end of Navy commitment and moved when I found a job.  I got along fine with my folks, but they raised me to be a functioning adult independent of them.  A parent's job is to prepare their children for life outside.  If a child cannot or will not make it on their own, there is probably past mistakes that need to be corrected. 

Ceridwen

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #15 on: June 15, 2016, 09:51:53 AM »
Moved out at 18 to attend university in a different city.  Since around the age of 13, my parents let my sister and I know (lovingly) that we would be moving out at the age of 18 to either attend university or live on our own/work.  It was never a question.  They even discouraged us from applying to local universities since my dad wanted us to live in residence and have the whole "university experience".  Thankfully they saved enough to fully fund this for both of us (Canada - cheap tuition), plus we always had part-time jobs to pay for food and books.

We both returned for our first few summers, but no boomeranging (even when my sister was recently unemployed for nearly 2 years - she collected EI and dipped into her savings to get by).

mm1970

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #16 on: June 15, 2016, 10:33:15 AM »
My parents are divorced.  I lived with my mom in a trailer after.
- At 18, went away to college.  Summer after, went back to the trailer, worked 2 jobs (60 hrs/wk total).
- Summer after that and beyond, stayed on campus to work/ do Navy training.  Mom got married that second summer and moved in with step-dad.  1 bedroom house, with a bed in the basement for visits.
- After college went into the Navy.  Got married in the Navy...rest is history.

Siblings:
- Eldest moved out at 18 to go to Xray school in another town, never moved back. (1970)
- Next ... moved out I have no idea when, I was a baby.
- Next ... same thing - 15 yrs older than me.
- Next ... (now I have memory) - 10 yrs older than me.  Got a job after HS, lived at home until she got married at ~21.
- Next ... 6 yrs older than me.  Got a job, lived at home, paid rent.  Moved in with boyfriend before the divorce, so I want to say when she was ~20.
- Last (boomerang?) - the only boy.  Lived at home (with dad) and worked. Went into AF at age 20.  4-5 years in AF.  Moved back home after, lived in Mom's basement, supposed to pay rent but didn't.  Eventually moved out in his late 20's.  Don't remember what eventually got him out.  Maybe step-dad just got tired of him.  I mean, he was a freaking adult.

I can't imagine actually moving into my mom's basement after spending 5 years in the military.  Especially since it wasn't "home", it was her new husband's home.

mm1970

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #17 on: June 15, 2016, 10:34:38 AM »
Quote
Older Sibling:  Was forced out at age 19.  He was sleeping until noon, working part-time at fast food restaurant, and just hanging out with friends until 1 or 2 in the morning.  My parents gave him 4 choices:
- Go to school full time
- Work full time
- Join the military
- Get out
He chose the military.  20 years later (after he retired), he moved back in with my parents and pretty much fell into the same pattern.  Sleeping late, playing video games, lots of unemployment, the only difference is his military pension.  During an argument about his constant unemployment and his living at home for the last 3-4 years, he let it slip that he was only living there to establish "ownership" of the home so that when they pass, the house would become his only.  It had to do with a some sort of loophole about him being my parents dependent (but not the tax kind) after a certain number of years and therefore would not be able to be evicted in the time of their passing if the house was to be part of an inheritance left to us kids.  Clearly he had done his homework.  After that they told him he had to go.  He moved into an apartment complex across the street, sometimes works part time, lots of unemployment, and plays lots of video games. 

whoa.  I can't even.

Vagabond76

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #18 on: June 15, 2016, 10:39:12 AM »
I moved out at 17 when I went off to college. I spent three of the next four summers at home while working or going to the local campus for summer school. I had no rules, could stay out as late as I wanted, and paid no rent. OTOH, I paid for my food and saved money for the next semester.

I joined the military after grad school. For the 8 weeks before I reported to training and the 6 weeks between trainings, I lived in my father's house or mother's apartment. Again, no rent but I paid for my other costs. This time, I used the money I saved to pay off student loans before they started to accrue interest.

I'm very grateful of the support my parents gave me when I was starting out, but I'm more grateful of the upbringing that taught me how to be self-sufficient and not rely on them, friends, other family, or the government to get through life.

TrMama

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #19 on: June 15, 2016, 10:51:44 AM »
I've always been fiercely independent. Even as a young child I just stopped going to afterschool daycare because I was a noise-sensitive introvert, couldn't handle the chaos and hated having to participate in group activities. I'd slip away after school and just walk home before the daycare workers could find me. My parents are wonderful, loving people, I've just always preferred to be on my own and despise following other people's rules.

I came home from my grade 12 final exams and packed my bags to go to university. I couldn't wait to get away from the small, backward town we lived in and experience the big world outside. I knew there were no opportunities for me there. I came home for the first two summers of university to work and   save money for the next year, but I haven't been back since. My desire to FIRE is just an extension of that same drive to live life on my own terms, rather than being subject to someone else's rules.

Norioch

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #20 on: June 15, 2016, 11:19:34 AM »
I moved out when I found a real job. I moved back in when I lost that real job. Then I moved back out again when I finally found another real job. I'm FI now so even if I lost my current job I wouldn't move back in with my parents. I've always highly valued my independence, and when I was living with my parents it was only out of necessity.

So, if these adult children are like me: they want to move out but can't. If they successfully find a job then they'll leave on their own.

skekses

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #21 on: June 15, 2016, 11:21:17 AM »
I wasn't able to find a full-time job while I was still in college, so with my tail tucked between my legs, I moved back in with my dad. He didn't ask for rent, but it was clear that this was not the arrangement he had in mind for that period in my life. I paid for everything else (food, car payment, insurance, etc.) by means of a part-time gig while I was interviewing for full-time positions and the moment that I started full-time, I moved out. I remember that my movers helped re-arrange my former room into some sort of sitting room after they put my furniture in the truck.

After nine years of living on my own and far away from family, I ended up moving across the country to be near them again. I moved in with my mom for about a year and a half while I was adjusting to my new area. I insisted on paying rent to her and it was actually a good arrangement for both of us, but I still felt very aware of living in someone else's space (even when I was renting from non-family people, I had this feeling) and I was ready for my own. Then I bought a house and that's where I am now.

I view the stay with my mom as a trial run for her potentially having to move in with me someday. I'm glad to know that we got along as housemates and I still go over to see her almost daily.

acroy

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #22 on: June 15, 2016, 11:32:13 AM »
I lived on campus during college but 'lived at home' (summers and holidays) until graduation. Had job, apartment, etc set up weeks before graduation. 'Moved' out (everything fit in the bed of my pickup truck, mostly stereo crap and car parts) the week after graduation.

The idea of living with parents post-graduation does not compute. You're an adult, get out there and act like one.

Raising my kids to think the same way. The are young, oldest 10, but understand our job (the parental role) is to turn them into adults, and they will be leaving 'home' immediately after college if not before. It is then no longer their 'home'.

Catbert

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #23 on: June 15, 2016, 12:01:00 PM »
I moved out at 19 after I'd been working at an office job for 6 months (FT school at night) because that's what 19 year old adults did in the 1970s.  Within a year of me moving out my alcoholic father moved back in.  That caused my then 19 and 17 year old younger sisters to move out. 

mtn

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #24 on: June 15, 2016, 12:26:26 PM »
Moved out at 18 when I went to college--moved back in during the summers. After I graduated I had an internship 3 hours away that started 2 weeks after graduation; I lived with my parents during those 2 weeks. Internship turned into a real job, and was on my own or with roommates (and eventually my fiance) until I got a new job back where I grew up. I moved back in with my parents until I got married--9 months. That was as a money saving proposition only.

My wife was nearly identical, except she had some summer school and worked at a summer camp that she lived at for 2 summers somewhere in college.

Older brother was pretty similar except he never moved home after his career started, only between graduation and a job.

Little brother is 23 and kinda... lost. He floundered around in school (lived away from home except summers) and now is back living with Mom and Dad. Works part time at a grocery, is off and on in online classes or community college. Sleeps too much, stays up late, spends a lot of time with his girlfriend who is still in college (and frankly not right for him). I sometimes think he needs to go into the military or something.

Systems101

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #25 on: June 15, 2016, 12:34:17 PM »
I moved out to go to college (which was highly subsidized by parents).  The idea of returning home afterwards didn't even really occur to me.

Same here.  At least part of it because it was a small town with very little opportunity in tech.

I was home for 1 college summer with mom, 1 with dad, and spent 1 with brother (in grad school at the time).  After graduation, long enough to move out...

Dicey

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #26 on: June 15, 2016, 12:46:38 PM »
Hmm, let me see, it was a long time ago...

I'm the oldest of six. I went to Junior College locally, 'cause there was no money for school. My dad was at the peak of his gub'mint career but retirement was looming (He was an Air Traffic Controller and it was 1976), plus there were five stairstep kids after me. I lived at home, worked two jobs + the occasional side gig and went to school full time. (As in, 18 units full time.) I bought my own car  + gas + insurance, paid for my own tuition and books.  My parents mother wanted me to pay rent, which pissed me off royally. I refused and a lot of fighting ensued. I saved my money and got an apartment with a friend when I was about 19. When I finished school, I got a "Career Job" and moved away. The plan was to work a year, declare myself emancipated, and then complete a four-year degree. Six months later I was diagnosed with cancer. Came home during the course of treatment, because the medical care was more affordable in my hometown and my mom was a nurse there. I paid 100% of my own medical care and got the hell out of there when my treatment was finished.

My mom died recently and a dear friend reminded me that my mom very vocally "let" me live at home rent-free during that four-month period. Weird, I'd forgotten about it, but my friend was still righteously pissed on my behalf, more than thirty years later. (Ah, friendship!) My mom could be kind to others, but not particularly so to me. I am proud to say that I never took or borrowed a penny from them after I graduated from high school. Not for college, not for a wedding, not for a home, nothing.

Bitter, party of one? Not really, life's too short and I love, love, love my adult life and my family of origin, flawed as we are. Mostly posting to show not everyone who attains FIRE is a young (-ish) engineer with a fancy degree. Having cancer was what drove me to FIRE and for that I am grateful for the learning experience it offered. I am so damn thankful I made it.

iris lily

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #27 on: June 15, 2016, 12:48:27 PM »
There is a chart out there showing that for,the first time in a century, the primary living arrangement  for young adults 18--30 ish is living with a parent. 34% live with a parent.

31% live with a spouse or SO.


Later, I may see if can find it. But I was shocked.
« Last Edit: June 15, 2016, 03:08:04 PM by iris lily »

BFGirl

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #28 on: June 15, 2016, 02:07:20 PM »
I went to college in my hometown, but got a full time job and went to school full time.  Moved out at 19 because my parents thought I still needed a curfew.  Never moved back.  My parents paid my tuition, books and fees, but I paid all my living expenses.

Today, my 18 yr old son and 21 year old daughter live with me.  My son just graduated HS and is planning to go to school in the fall.  He says he will probably stay at home for a couple of years but wants to get an apartment after that.  My daugther dropped out of college a year ago.  I made her get two part time jobs and she pays me a set amount monthly toward her expenses.  She has decided to go back to school in the fall and I told her if she goes full time, I will finance her living expenses with me (car insurance, food, phone).  If she goes part time she will still have to pay me 1/2 of what she's been paying before.  All of her friends are in the process of moving out from their parents' homes.  I've told her that she will need to move out sometime in the next 2-3 years.

MsPeacock

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #29 on: June 15, 2016, 02:11:28 PM »
The parent to child dynamic is what made living at home untenable.


Pretty much this. I left home before my senior year of high school and never went back. I can't imagine any circumstance that would make me go back. Started working a real job (e.g. not babysitting or paper route) when I was 14 and saved money for several years in order to have a little nest egg to get out.

I'm a red panda

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #30 on: June 15, 2016, 02:20:34 PM »
Why did YOU move out of your parent's home?
First to go to college, which was a state university out of town. They paid my rent though :)    Against their wishes I chose a modest apartment with a roommate instead of one of the fancy ones where you pay per person on separate leases, but each least costs more than our total rent did!

(Scholarships mostly paid my tuition, but they made up the difference. I wasn't allowed to work the first two years "school is your job"; the last two years I held multiple part time jobs to earn some extra money.)  After that there was never even a bit of thought I'd move back in, but I moved in with my husband. We moved to another state because he joined the Air Force.


Why did you look for a job that took you away, or what "house rules" or annoyances encouraged you to become independent?

The family expectation was ALWAYS after high school you go to college. After college you are on your own.  There were no other options. Not getting a job was not an option.  Leaving college I had a number of job offers, of which I was able to take none because I moved with my husband. But I quickly found a job, the income from which we saved since his salary was more than enough for two.

My parents aren't horrible so I suppose if I needed to I may have been able to live with them while unemployed, but even as an adult, I was expected to follow curfew and no boys in the bedroom if not married rules, so there is no way I'd move back in with them if I had any ability not to.

TravelJunkyQC

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #31 on: June 15, 2016, 02:22:00 PM »
Left at 17 for college - always returned home every summer. "Officially" left when I got a job after my last year of undergraduate. I would always have been welcomed back had I needed it, but I wasn't particularly keen on the idea. I adore my parents, but I have a very strong need to be independent financially. They respect this and understand it doesn't affect my love for them.

My sister moved back home for a year and a half after graduate school while she figured out her next move. Wasn't required to pay anything, but she worked the entire time and put money away to start her now-thriving business.

It's sort of standard policy in our family that when you're at someone's house, you don't open a wallet. Usually it's for a week or two during the holidays, my parents just extended it to a year and a half. Had she been a lazy bum, she surely would have been whipped into shape though.

RFAAOATB

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #32 on: June 15, 2016, 02:34:42 PM »
Quote
Older Sibling:  Was forced out at age 19.  He was sleeping until noon, working part-time at fast food restaurant, and just hanging out with friends until 1 or 2 in the morning.  My parents gave him 4 choices:
- Go to school full time
- Work full time
- Join the military
- Get out
He chose the military.  20 years later (after he retired), he moved back in with my parents and pretty much fell into the same pattern.  Sleeping late, playing video games, lots of unemployment, the only difference is his military pension.  During an argument about his constant unemployment and his living at home for the last 3-4 years, he let it slip that he was only living there to establish "ownership" of the home so that when they pass, the house would become his only.  It had to do with a some sort of loophole about him being my parents dependent (but not the tax kind) after a certain number of years and therefore would not be able to be evicted in the time of their passing if the house was to be part of an inheritance left to us kids.  Clearly he had done his homework.  After that they told him he had to go.  He moved into an apartment complex across the street, sometimes works part time, lots of unemployment, and plays lots of video games. 

whoa.  I can't even.

Does this story describe chronic unemployment or a well earned early retirement after military service?   By describing this older sibling as a slacker, I have to ask what rank was he when he got out?  Yesterday I wanted to take a two week vacation from work just to play Warcraft so I understand the appeal.

Anyways it was the ARMY that got me out of my parent's house nearly two years after graduating college and sticking around a dead end job.  My brother is still there at 29 despite mom and dad slowly pushing him to move out.  Guy couldn't graduate college after years of trying, has five figures of student and credit card debt, and when he's not working his decent tech support job is volunteering for the local GOP chapters.

Wealth inequality within families is something I might have to deal with which means I should ask my dad how he deals with being much more successful than his brothers. 

MerryMcQ

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #33 on: June 15, 2016, 02:44:28 PM »
I returned home for 2 summer breaks during college, but the last two I had my own apartment & job. I also lived with my parents for a month when I was pregnant with my second child and very, very ill. I spent a month in the hospital, and could only get discharged from the hospital if I had someone with me 24/7 and was within minutes of hospital -  my parents house was the only place that fit and they were both retired.

It was a miserable month and my parents resented me being there and really resented driving me to the emergency room twice. My parents refused to visit my newborn in the hospital and they didn't speak to me (or see my son) for 6 months after that. It permanently damaged our relationship as well as their relationship with my son.

Actually, I still get bothered by how cruel they were to me when my son and I almost died.

I've told my kids that they are both welcome to live here during/after college or anytime they are in need - but they need to have jobs and/or be in school, pay for their own insurance/phone/car gas/etc. I want them to be independent adults. But I have told them both that I will always be there for them if they have an emergency and need a place or someone to care for them.

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #34 on: June 15, 2016, 02:47:13 PM »
Why did YOU move out of your parent's home?
First to go to college, which was a state university out of town. They paid my rent though :)    Against their wishes I chose a modest apartment with a roommate instead of one of the fancy ones where you pay per person on separate leases, but each least costs more than our total rent did!

(Scholarships mostly paid my tuition, but they made up the difference. I wasn't allowed to work the first two years "school is your job"; the last two years I held multiple part time jobs to earn some extra money.)  After that there was never even a bit of thought I'd move back in, but I moved in with my husband. We moved to another state because he joined the Air Force.


Why did you look for a job that took you away, or what "house rules" or annoyances encouraged you to become independent?

The family expectation was ALWAYS after high school you go to college. After college you are on your own.  There were no other options. Not getting a job was not an option.  Leaving college I had a number of job offers, of which I was able to take none because I moved with my husband. But I quickly found a job, the income from which we saved since his salary was more than enough for two.

My parents aren't horrible so I suppose if I needed to I may have been able to live with them while unemployed, but even as an adult, I was expected to follow curfew and no boys in the bedroom if not married rules, so there is no way I'd move back in with them if I had any ability not to.


I think expectations are a big thing here. I stayed with my parents the summer after freshman year of college but never since. They never flat out told me I couldn't have stayed with them after my sophomore year (or whatever), and my younger sisters both did spend more time at home after high school than I did, but the expectation was always that we should try to find jobs that pay enough for us to live on our own.

mozar

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #35 on: June 15, 2016, 02:48:58 PM »
I officially moved out my senior year of college. My mom didn't want me to move out while I was still in college. It was helpful that I could stay during the summers but I couldn't take the emotional abuse anymore. I think I came back twice for one month each time after losing jobs.
It seems like there are young people who stay at home because its in their culture, or young men who are struggling with untreated mental health issues.
I have a tenant who is a 25yo man. I wouldn't consider him launched because his dad pays the rent. It's a good deal for me but I wonder if he's going to get it together.

MrsDinero

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #36 on: June 15, 2016, 02:54:08 PM »
Quote
Older Sibling:  Was forced out at age 19.  He was sleeping until noon, working part-time at fast food restaurant, and just hanging out with friends until 1 or 2 in the morning.  My parents gave him 4 choices:
- Go to school full time
- Work full time
- Join the military
- Get out
He chose the military.  20 years later (after he retired), he moved back in with my parents and pretty much fell into the same pattern.  Sleeping late, playing video games, lots of unemployment, the only difference is his military pension.  During an argument about his constant unemployment and his living at home for the last 3-4 years, he let it slip that he was only living there to establish "ownership" of the home so that when they pass, the house would become his only.  It had to do with a some sort of loophole about him being my parents dependent (but not the tax kind) after a certain number of years and therefore would not be able to be evicted in the time of their passing if the house was to be part of an inheritance left to us kids.  Clearly he had done his homework.  After that they told him he had to go.  He moved into an apartment complex across the street, sometimes works part time, lots of unemployment, and plays lots of video games. 

whoa.  I can't even.

Does this story describe chronic unemployment or a well earned early retirement after military service?   By describing this older sibling as a slacker, I have to ask what rank was he when he got out? 

Without going into a lot of details he was demoted twice and eventually retired as an E-5.  Had he been a civilian he would have been fired many times and most likely had charges brought against him several times.  We view his military pension as a means to keep him from being dependent on all of us not as a reward for a "job well done". 

spicykissa

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #37 on: June 15, 2016, 02:58:47 PM »
I moved across the country for college at 18, and came home for the first summer. I went back to my high school job and was still with my high school boyfriend, and my parents put all the high school rules back in place (11pm curfew, no boys in my room, etc, etc). It was miserable--and then high school boyfriend dumped me, and I met my now-husband, and stayed out until 1am on our first date. My father threatened to call the police. It was unpleasant (though makes for a funny story now). I worked fulltime on campus and stayed in my own apartment every summer after that!

My husband floundered a little after his graduation, and moved in with his widowed grandfather. It was a good arrangement for  both of them for awhile, and he eventually found a low-paying job and started saving & paying off debt. When I graduated two years later, it was obviously no longer a good fit, and Grandpa wanted his house back. I wanted our own place, even though we could barely afford it and I had only found a part-time job in his hometown. My husband hemmed and hawed, so Grandpa did two things--he shut off the internet (which he himself barely used) and told my husband I had to sleep on the couch, not in his room, because he was going back to church and "didn't feel right about it", since we weren't married yet. We had our own apartment by the end of the month!

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #38 on: June 15, 2016, 03:21:18 PM »
I left NY to go to college in FL at 17 (paid for my own college as well).  Spent my summers living at home and working lots of hours to pay for school living expenses  Summer between junior and senior year, I stayed in FL to take summer classes and work my two part time jobs.  January of my senior year I had accepted a very well paying job in TX that started a few weeks after I graduated.  So I never went back to living at home after the summer between Sophomore and Junior year. 

There are multiple reasons for not wanting to live at home, I do remember there being lots of friction the first summer with my parents treating me as if I hadn't just lived 1000 miles away by myself (11 o'clock curfew, mom waiting up for me to come home from work, no boyfriends over (even though I didn't have any) and trying to get me to hang out with old friends of mine who I tried to repeatedly tell them I was no longer friends with (due to them becoming involved in drugs and hanging out with other nefarious characters).  I also was not a huge fan of the area I grew up in, economy wise, weather wise and I had no good friends there as the only ones who stayed behind weren't doing much with their lives and I just could not relate. 

I remember my mom telling me several times that I could move back home if I ever wanted to or needed to but knew that would NEVER happen and I don't think her and my father would have enjoyed that, I know I wouldn't.  My (4 years older) sister also moved out permanently before finishing college, I don't know if she even came back during any of her summers off, it's all a bit fuzzy as she was only an hour away for college so she visited some but really, her and my dad did not get along at all so she was extra motivated to move out (they get along great these days). 

randymarsh

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #39 on: June 15, 2016, 03:22:17 PM »
I had a job offer in another state that was too good to pass up. However, if it wasn't for that job offer, I would have likely stayed at my internship as a full time employee. Moving out ASAP would not have made much sense. My parents lived within 20 minutes of that job and I had no interest in living in the town the job was in.

This idea that children are supposed to move out as soon as they turn 18 or graduate college seems to be an American phenomenon. I don't see what the big deal is with adult children living at home as long as they're doing something (aka working/in school) and contributing in some way to the household (rent, cleaning up, feeding the dog, etc). 

HappyHoya

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #40 on: June 15, 2016, 03:28:48 PM »
I had a job offer in another state that was too good to pass up. However, if it wasn't for that job offer, I would have likely stayed at my internship as a full time employee. Moving out ASAP would not have made much sense. My parents lived within 20 minutes of that job and I had no interest in living in the town the job was in.

This idea that children are supposed to move out as soon as they turn 18 or graduate college seems to be an American phenomenon. I don't see what the big deal is with adult children living at home as long as they're doing something (aka working/in school) and contributing in some way to the household (rent, cleaning up, feeding the dog, etc).


Perhaps I am biased because I am the PP who was basically forced out by combative parents, but I agree with your POV. Living with other people is an important life skill and opportunity for personal growth. Given that houses are usually too big for the people that live in them, I don't see what the big deal is either. Of course, all relationships need to be a 2-way street so if the adult child is disrespectful and not willing to pull their weight and exercise basic cooperation, I guess there's not much you can do. That's sort of on the parents if that's the case, though, isn't it?

MissNancyPryor

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #41 on: June 15, 2016, 03:40:23 PM »
I moved out at 18, a month after high school graduation because my parents didn't like my boyfriend (we didn't live together before we got married at age 20). 

He is now my hubby of 27 years and they act like they picked him out.  They like to pretend there was never a problem.  That pisses me off. 

I am careful to keep this in mind when my daughters introduce a new BF, I always try to imagine him as the father of my future grand babies and zip my lip.

justplucky

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #42 on: June 15, 2016, 03:41:12 PM »
I moved out for the last time at age 25 (before I had just left for two years to go to college across the state). I was scared to do it on my own but realized I wasn't living life, and a friend-of-a-friend (who eventually became my friend) was in the same boat. We ended up being roommates in a cheap apartment.

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #43 on: June 15, 2016, 03:48:43 PM »
I moved out at 20 in 2012. 

I had bought a (small, cheap, seller-financed) house, and my girlfriend was moving across the country to move in with me to said house (with SIL/BIL in tow).  She was 19, and SIL/BIL were 21/25.

I wanted to move out from my parents' house mostly to move in with GF/SIL/BIL and "get real life started."  I had enough income to support myself, and solid savings.

The three of them wanted out because they had been living in a toxic environment with my GF's grandma in ghetto inner-city Phoenix around all kinds of badness.

Then we bought a second house about a year ago (at 24/22) and BIL/SIL stayed behind in the other house and pay me rent (and the first house is almost paid off!).  This was partially for space/privacy reasons, and also because we had "grown apart" somewhat from BIL/SIL in terms of domestic values.  And my GF works at home when she's not traveling, so she wanted more "peace and quiet" for that.  And with the rent BIL/SIL are paying for the other house, our living costs haven't really changed much overall anyway.

My GF has a useless friend in her 20s that has moved out of (and back into) her parents' house at least five times in the past four years due to being kicked out of a roommate scenario.  She's a domestic disaster and horrible, horrible roommate, but can't afford to live alone (due to laziness on the income side and stupidness on the spending side).  I have no idea what I would do if I were her parents.

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #44 on: June 15, 2016, 04:27:58 PM »
This idea that children are supposed to move out as soon as they turn 18 or graduate college seems to be an American phenomenon. I don't see what the big deal is with adult children living at home as long as they're doing something (aka working/in school) and contributing in some way to the household (rent, cleaning up, feeding the dog, etc).

+1

I kept going back home between semesters. Also, there were no jobs available in India that a student could do.
My parent paid for my undergraduate degree, room and food, but the other two masters were paid out of scholarships/assitantships.

I did the same for my son. He came home for summer and I paid for his college and good and trips back. He moved out immediately after graduation for a job.  When a job change brought him near to us, he refused to move in, got his own apartment.

Spork

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #45 on: June 15, 2016, 04:32:58 PM »
This idea that children are supposed to move out as soon as they turn 18 or graduate college seems to be an American phenomenon. I don't see what the big deal is with adult children living at home as long as they're doing something (aka working/in school) and contributing in some way to the household (rent, cleaning up, feeding the dog, etc).

I think the problem is there is a growing number of adult children living at home that are NOT doing something.

Admittedly: I am basing this on "articles I read online" and "a small sample of personal acquaintances".  I don't actually know this is a growing problem.  But it seems to continually be article fodder.

onlykelsey

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #46 on: June 15, 2016, 04:39:28 PM »
I left when I was 17 the summer before college and literally did not set foot in the county for ~8 years after that. 

Ethernet

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #47 on: June 15, 2016, 04:49:19 PM »
19. Leaving in two months. Basically my parents are a bit controlling and they've caused a lot of emotional and mental turmoil with their on and off relationship. Their spending habits are insane and they expect me to keep up with them (I am not putting money towards a new stereo system no matter how many times you continue to ask me). It's honestly the last thing I wanted to do, as I haven't even finished my associates yet and I basically only qualify for unskilled manual labor, so I guess Im a bit of an oddball compared to the lot of you.

Dads company just got bought, his job is probably in the toilet in the next few months.

C'est la vie.  At least now if I crash and burn I only have myself to blame.

ender

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #48 on: June 15, 2016, 04:53:36 PM »
I moved out to go to college (which was highly subsidized by parents).  The idea of returning home afterwards didn't even really occur to me.

Same - it never really occurred to me in my thinking.

A lot of these stories scare me as a hopeful future parent. I like to think that you can mitigate the risk by actively parenting and being involved in the lives of my kids. But..

Spiffsome

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Re: How to get Adult Children out of the House?
« Reply #49 on: June 15, 2016, 04:59:11 PM »
I moved out at 20, while still at university, because I was fighting with my parents regularly. When I got a holiday job which allowed me to rent a room in a share house, I was outta there.

The relationship between me and my folks improved dramatically once we weren't living together. 
« Last Edit: June 15, 2016, 05:00:52 PM by Spiffsome »