Thank you all for your wise words and commentary. I truly appreciate it!
I have thought about my situation over the last few days and I believe that the best thing to do at this moment is to reach out for professional help. I am blessed with pretty solid health insurance through my employer and will be looking for a therapist that I can work through these deeply rooted issues with. I will start calling and making appointments this week. It is an emotional emergency and it cannot fester any longer. As far as my living situation, I cannot look too far in advance as I don't know how grandma's health will be doing. I moved in to be away from my immediate family, but also to watch over and keep grandma company. She is 88 and still spunky but she has begun to use a walker and has been shrinking in height. Moving away means that someone else will need to move in or start spending the night. I'm the oldest grandchild (26) and the only one available to live with her. In addition, her home is 5 miles from work and in the town area. It works out well for the both of us.
Beyond the immediate future, a serious reason for me reaching out for help has been a desire to be married. I'm currently in a serious relationship that is headed toward marriage and I would not want to drag family or spending issues into our relationship. My boyfriend is very understanding but I want to be responsible as my spending habits will be affecting our bank accounts when we move that direction. These habits need to be changed and I don't want to bring them into my next chapter.
I believe secondcor521 hit the issue dead on, something I haven't myself been able to do- I still seek dad's approval. This manifests in how I hold myself back, just as he is doing. I spend to make myself feel happy, or be someone I'm not (in clothing purchases), in order to be someone he may like or enjoy the company of. I suppose my best bet is to move on and accept that though he may love me, we may not ever be the picturesque father / daughter buddy buddy type.
Travelbug, having a heart of gratitude is an amazing nugget of wisdom. I will work on softening my heart towards dad and thanking him for all experiences, enjoyable and hurtful. Thank you for the reminder!
Thank you for the advise of not justifying my actions and just stating what I will be doing. I think what I say actually does hold weight but I am concerned about what other think. Especially family. I need to work on that.
And I also agree that my values and actions are completely misaligned and that moving is a great opportunity to have a fresh beginning. I have already discussed the possibility of moving with my boyfriend and he is totally up for it. He grew up abroad and is much more adventurous then I am. So, moving is definitely a great option and quite the possibility. It would be a huge adjustment for me as I grew up and currently live on an island but I agree that it would be a great healing opportunity.
THANK YOU to all who have taken the time to pour out advise. You have been very kind and I greatly appreciate it. Feel free to continue to comment- I will be checking back often.
With gratitude,
Kabocha