Author Topic: How to deal with family/friends  (Read 1308 times)

genesismachine

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How to deal with family/friends
« on: November 14, 2018, 11:44:07 AM »
I'm not sure how to phrase this, but I feel like I'm in a trap with friends and family.

I've always shared challenges in my life with friends/family, but lately it seems like the challenges are getting... outside the mainstream for them. Like which triplex do we buy next, or which stock account is optimal, or where should we travel/vacation next. For most people around me, it inevitably comes off as bragging even though that is not at all my intention.

So then I feel like I can't share or else people will withdraw (which I've noticed has definitely been happening the last year or two as our FIRE plans have started to bear visible-to-the-outside fruit). We decided not to share any more real estate purchases and just compartmentalize that part of our lives. Which is tough when it consumes such a large portion of your awake hours (for example, my wife quit her job to renovate our rentals, and has been saying that she just sits at home just to avoid the topic).

We're not at FIRE yet, and we do plan to fat FIRE, so this problem is only going to get worse over time.

Not sharing is one thing, but it limits me even when they share their challenges. If they are struggling to decide on home loans or other things, I feel like I can't say 'you should really weight my advice more than others because I have more experience than them in this topic'. Instead, I'm in there trying to pretend like I'm just some random person giving them advice - just like all the others.

How do people here deal with this? Do you just not get to share your challenges (both good and bad) with others anymore and live a secret double life? Are you stuck with an inherently asymmetrical relationship with others around you?

And no, I don't want to find new friends who are into these things. I view myself as a normal person who does real estate on the side. I don't to find friends who are into real estate who do normal things on the side. And I can't find new family.

thd7t

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Re: How to deal with family/friends
« Reply #1 on: November 14, 2018, 11:56:46 AM »
I'm not sure how to phrase this, but I feel like I'm in a trap with friends and family.

I've always shared challenges in my life with friends/family, but lately it seems like the challenges are getting... outside the mainstream for them. Like which triplex do we buy next, or which stock account is optimal, or where should we travel/vacation next. For most people around me, it inevitably comes off as bragging even though that is not at all my intention.

So then I feel like I can't share or else people will withdraw (which I've noticed has definitely been happening the last year or two as our FIRE plans have started to bear visible-to-the-outside fruit). We decided not to share any more real estate purchases and just compartmentalize that part of our lives. Which is tough when it consumes such a large portion of your awake hours (for example, my wife quit her job to renovate our rentals, and has been saying that she just sits at home just to avoid the topic).

We're not at FIRE yet, and we do plan to fat FIRE, so this problem is only going to get worse over time.

Not sharing is one thing, but it limits me even when they share their challenges. If they are struggling to decide on home loans or other things, I feel like I can't say 'you should really weight my advice more than others because I have more experience than them in this topic'. Instead, I'm in there trying to pretend like I'm just some random person giving them advice - just like all the others.

How do people here deal with this? Do you just not get to share your challenges (both good and bad) with others anymore and live a secret double life? Are you stuck with an inherently asymmetrical relationship with others around you?

And no, I don't want to find new friends who are into these things. I view myself as a normal person who does real estate on the side. I don't to find friends who are into real estate who do normal things on the side. And I can't find new family.
There are always challenges and ways to describe challenges that can make them understandable and keep people from being upset or jealous.  If your rentals are taking more time, make sure it sounds like work.  Even a lot of work.  Your wife didn't just quit her job, she changed jobs.  To a new job where there are new stresses.

 On another front, no one needs to know which stock account is optimal for you.  That's for you.  They also don't need to know that your colonoscopy came back clear because of your super diet.  Other people don't care about it even if you're not bragging.  If you don't want to talk about where you're travelling next, don't.  You can answer questions after the fact, instead.

There's no need for a secret double life.  You just need to rethink how you share.

Regarding people discussing their challenges, people are almost never trying to get your advice.  They just need to share.  Let them.  Remember, your advice isn't automatically the best.

mm1970

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Re: How to deal with family/friends
« Reply #2 on: November 14, 2018, 12:21:07 PM »
Find new friends that you can share that part of your lives with.  Don't get rid of the old friends, just find some new friends who are also in the rental business.

TBH, we don't really share money talk with our friends.  It's just a habit.  I talk about how we are "saving up for a vacation to Europe next summer" for example.  But...we aren't really saving up for it.

Rosy

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Re: How to deal with family/friends
« Reply #3 on: November 14, 2018, 12:32:24 PM »
True, you can't find new family:).

I don't understand why you wouldn't be open to find new friends or at the very least other people that deal in flipping houses or real estate or construction contractors. They can share some of your experiences and fears and triumphs over time.
You mentioned time - well, why wouldn't you want to spend time with people who are into the same things as you are?

Mustachianism doesn't condemn you to silence and withdrawing from family, friends and society, although I do see a fair amount of posts on here about stealth wealth and I do concede that well, people don't want to hear about things that would mean they have to make uncomfortable choices or change their ways.

Friends talk and share - sure, I have friends I never talk about MMM with and I've met with resistance and downright rejection of my ideas from others. Shocked me at the time - well, eventually, she's come around and now she solicits my input and was happy that I passed on information and websites she could use that I found right here on MMM - like real estate stuff and student loan forgiveness.

Like the post above me stated - just rethink how and with whom you share. Just listen, but offer input only when asked.
Family can be difficult - we all know that:)

GreenEggs

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Re: How to deal with family/friends
« Reply #4 on: November 14, 2018, 01:10:55 PM »
If we only could choose our families! 


People don't mind knowing that you are doing well, but they don't want to hear about it or see all of your fancy stuff.


To keep hanging out with your "regular friends" you'll have to learn to be mindful of their circumstances and stay within their comfort level.  People don't mind watching show-offs on TV, but there's a big difference in real life. 






 


lexde

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Re: How to deal with family/friends
« Reply #5 on: November 14, 2018, 01:32:10 PM »
I don’t talk politics, religion, or money with anyone I’m not living with. The upsides never outweigh the downsides.

That’s why I use this forum. I have my journal where I can pose questions, post updates and brag or lament as appropriate. It keeps me from coming off as a jackass in real life.

They are sensitive topics, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still be friends with those people. Just talk about literally anything else. And don’t give advice unless they ask for it.

Cassie

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Re: How to deal with family/friends
« Reply #6 on: November 14, 2018, 01:43:18 PM »
I would add some real estate investors to your friend list. Your wife definitely has a new job and should mention it. Donít discuss money with the ones that are bothered by it. That being said we did lose a couple we had been friends with once we were retired. They were 12 years older and still working. They questioned every move we made. They were especially upset when we downsized to a smaller house and paid cash and fixed it up ourselves. Then they inherited some money (350k) and built a new house with a small down payment.  After about a year of this crap we dumped them.

FLBiker

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Re: How to deal with family/friends
« Reply #7 on: November 14, 2018, 01:56:30 PM »
Personally, I don't spend a lot of time on relationships (friend or family) where I can't be honest about things that are important to me.  In other words, I wouldn't really bother having relationships where important topics (ie politics, money, religion, etc.) are off the table.  Admittedly, though, I tend to only put time and energy to a small number of relationships at any given time.

ixtap

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Re: How to deal with family/friends
« Reply #8 on: November 14, 2018, 02:04:31 PM »
Have you tried talking about the rentals as a job, rather than an investment? If your wife is renovating, it is definitely true, as it isn't passive income. Talk about the work, rather than the money.

genesismachine

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Re: How to deal with family/friends
« Reply #9 on: November 15, 2018, 04:45:32 PM »
There are always challenges and ways to describe challenges that can make them understandable and keep people from being upset or jealous.  If your rentals are taking more time, make sure it sounds like work.  Even a lot of work.  Your wife didn't just quit her job, she changed jobs.  To a new job where there are new stresses.

 On another front, no one needs to know which stock account is optimal for you.  That's for you.  They also don't need to know that your colonoscopy came back clear because of your super diet.  Other people don't care about it even if you're not bragging.  If you don't want to talk about where you're travelling next, don't.  You can answer questions after the fact, instead.

There's no need for a secret double life.  You just need to rethink how you share.

Regarding people discussing their challenges, people are almost never trying to get your advice.  They just need to share.  Let them.  Remember, your advice isn't automatically the best.

I re-read this a bunch of times and every sentence is gold. Thanks for the post

The stock account thing was a bad example, I've literally never wanted to talk about that. Not sure why it came to mind when I was typing this

Zikoris

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Re: How to deal with family/friends
« Reply #10 on: November 15, 2018, 06:00:22 PM »
To be honest, I don't have any real challenges. My investments are really straightforward index funds that don't require any sort of effort from me. I have a very chill, low stress job. And I'm not the type of person who talks things through with people as a way to organize thoughts and come to conclusions - I make decisions first, then tell people afterwards.

We don't really talk about financial stuff a lot because it's mostly automated and not a major thing in our day to day lives. But we don't actively hide anything, and are definitely very open if people ask us questions.

As a general rule, people who act shitty because of how I live my life are not people I want in my life at all.

thd7t

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Re: How to deal with family/friends
« Reply #11 on: November 16, 2018, 06:21:31 AM »
There are always challenges and ways to describe challenges that can make them understandable and keep people from being upset or jealous.  If your rentals are taking more time, make sure it sounds like work.  Even a lot of work.  Your wife didn't just quit her job, she changed jobs.  To a new job where there are new stresses.

 On another front, no one needs to know which stock account is optimal for you.  That's for you.  They also don't need to know that your colonoscopy came back clear because of your super diet.  Other people don't care about it even if you're not bragging.  If you don't want to talk about where you're travelling next, don't.  You can answer questions after the fact, instead.

There's no need for a secret double life.  You just need to rethink how you share.

Regarding people discussing their challenges, people are almost never trying to get your advice.  They just need to share.  Let them.  Remember, your advice isn't automatically the best.

I re-read this a bunch of times and every sentence is gold. Thanks for the post

The stock account thing was a bad example, I've literally never wanted to talk about that. Not sure why it came to mind when I was typing this
Thanks for your kind words on this.  I rewrote it a few times and was still worried it would sound critical.  You've started with a good set of questions and I think that trying to maintain old relationships has great value, so your efforts are worth it!