Just looking for some advice for dealing with a crazy family member. Significant amount of back-story follows:
My SO and I have been dating for 2 and a half years and have lived together for about half that time. We are, in our minds, married but due our feelings on marriage and due to certain family events we have been waiting for the right time to officially tie the knot.
My SO's mother comes from a war-torn country and divorced her first husband over there; her second husband (my SO's father) was KIA in the conflict there. She then moved to the USA, married a former marine, but eventually also divorced him as well (but that may have been for more practical, than emotional reasons - due to VA benefits). The point I'm trying to get across is that she has had a hard life as she raised 4 kids without much support from any husband. My SO's mother kept in touch with her third husband after the divorce but he died several years ago and she has not seen anyone since - she is about 60 at this point. In lieu of a husband she has become very close to my SO - especially when they lived together after my SO graduated college, but at the same time her mother has been very domineering, as such is her nature. It is my opinion that that domineering attitude, while useful for surviving all that she has been though, is also somewhat responsible for a not-so-close relationship with some of her other children.
My SO's mother's financial situation is not very good. She has no retirement savings and cleans houses for a living. Just about any money she makes, she uses to give to others in her family and those in need. As such my SO is determined to take care of her mother in her old age. To that end she has bought a condo for her and is paying for the mortgage and HOA fees. My SO's mother lives near two of her other children between the 4 of them she usually sees someone at least once a week or more. My SO has done what she can to set her mother up with a good life. My SO has been, of late, trying to get her mother to retire, but she is a very strong-willed person. We figure, if it makes her happy to work, then let her. We just don't want her to feel like she has to work if she doesn't want to.
When my SO moved in with me, she did a separating of finances with her mother. She got a separate bank account, her mom retitled a car in just my SO's name as a gift, etc. Since that point though my SO and myself have made significant strides in mustachianism. She negotiated the ability to work from home and I bike to work. After almost a year of this style of living we decided to consolidate down to one car. Weighing our options we decided selling my SO's car would make the most sense. She discussed the prospect with her mother since we wanted to give her all the money we got to put towards getting my SO's mother a new, reliable car for her housekeeping work (her current car is getting a bit long in the tooth). My SO's mother dismissed the idea, saying that my SO would be giving up too much independence, and she's concerned we're not committed to each other enough, etc.
This is especially strange since my SO's other siblings lived with their current spouses for long periods of time before getting married, but she never said anything about that. It's an irrational argument that feel comes from the fact that it's her last daughter and she's grown too distrustful of men over a lifetime of not having a dependable man to be with.
Anyways we decided its our life, we are adults (we're 27), we know what we are doing so we went ahead and sold the car last week, right before a family beach vacation. We then went on the vacation and everyone, my SO, my SO's mother, my SO's siblings, etc all had a wonderful time staying together at the beach. We didn't say anything that week because we didn't want to upset our SO's mother with the news, so we were planning on just showing up at my SO's mother's place some time in the future, handing her a stack of cash from the car sale and explaining our reasons for selling the car and wanting her to take the money. Well that didn't work out so well because while we're still driving home from the beach, my SO's mother arrived home first, saw some car insurance paperwork from the sale of the car that arrived - (my SO's mailing address is still at the condo she owns) and called us to ask what happened to my SO's car. I told her we sold it and was immediately reprimanded because in her words: "it was a gift so I should have had a say in what happened; I can't believe you kept this a secret from me; You have committed a great injustice" etc. She then got off the phone and we haven't heard from her since.
My SO is now really worried because she and her mother usually talk at least daily, usually more and we haven't heard from her mother in about a day, despite leaving several messages. I told my SO, that we have nothing to apologize for, because at the end of the day, it's just selling a car - that my SO OWNED - so what's the big deal? I told my SO that her mother might (subconsciously, or not) try to play the guilt card on her, but she has nothing to apologize for; at the same time we are concerned my SO's mother's well-being. My SO's mother is very strong-willed and we are afraid she might do something drastic like leave the condo. She is not a woman you want to cross. At the end of the day, we just want her to be happy, but we also want to be happy.
Wow that was quite a ramble. If anyone is left reading, do you have any thoughts, hints, suggestions, or comments of any kind?