Thanks again for the plethora of helpful advice. I'm really starting to explore myself and conversations with my husband in ways I hadn't thought of before.
Quite a few of you have mentioned hiring more childcare. I *promise* I'm not trying to shoot down every idea that gets thrown at me. I'm willing to consider a bit more childcare, but honestly, it's something that nobody (myself, husband, or kids, feel very comfortable with). I would be open to having someone work alongside me and help, but the idea of dropping the kids somewhere just doesn't resonate with me. I realize parenting decisions can be extremely personal (and hence, many people can get quickly fired up about them). I'll say upfront this is my own personal choice and does not imply any judgement on what anyone else is choosing to do.
ChipBstrd- in regards to your 2) assumption:
2) It's best to spend lots of time with kids: Do some googling ( "early childhood education") and you'll find lots of research showing that kids in a quality preschool tend to develop better socially and - umm - academically than kids who spend all day with one SAHP. All that societal guilt and your ideas about what being a good parent is about may be based on assumptions not supported by the evidence. It's more important that you are well off financially, not stressed all the time, and modeling a good relationship. What if you found a part-time or flexible day care option that could free up your time and reduce your stress for the next couple of years? It costs money, yes, but the kids would benefit from the socialization and curriculum (yes, they have a curriculum!). Not to mention the benefits to you and your marriage.
I agree with a lot about what you said- a balance between being there for your kids and maintaining sanity and lowering stress when you are around them.
This is kind of an aside, but there are so many versions of being a SAHP. On one end of the spectrum there is the parent who sits and home and does her own thing while the kids veg on the tv. Of course that child is going to perform below a child who is placed in a quality preschool. On the other end of the spectrum (where I feel I fall) is the parent who develops their own "curriculum" and makes opportunities to engage and teach their own child. We have 3 days/week that we schedule socializing with peers (usually in an outdoor, gross motor environment), one day a week where we do something educational-focused (children's museum, desert museum, planetarium, etc), multiple "library story times" each week, and our home time is filled with helping me cook, doing crafts, reading books, building things (forts, towers), and just free playing. We have little to no media time. The mother's helper that comes 4 hrs/week brings her daughter and my son gets one on one interaction with a friend his age. I myself treat raising my children as an actual job, and often spend my free time during naps reading various child development and psychology books. From what I've read and concluded, children younger than age 7 do not need strict "school-like" curricula, and will develop on par or exceed "schooled" children if they are given a stimulating environment, an engaged parent, and allowed to free play.
Anyway, that was a huge rant, but boils down to the idea that leaving my children with someone who is not as invested as I am, compounded with valid concerns about what can happen in childcare settings makes it a hard thing for me to be on board with. I understand there is a balance, and as they get older, of course I will be more flexible with this rule (not trying to home school & shelter through adulthood, heh). We practice attachment parenting pretty rigorously and don't ascribe to many standard American ideals about leaving kids in daycare all day (sorry, not meant to be offensive).
Alright, to quickly answer questions/respond:
former player-
I have a couple of thoughts I haven't seen mentioned yet -
1. I don't think you are FIREd. I think you have been clever and hard-working and have built up a business which is very profitable for the hours of work you put in. You are a business owner and manager who works at her business most days of the week. Don't undersell what you are continuing to do on this side of your life.
2. I think you should try to do your business work during business hours. As it is, with you working in the evening and your spouse presumably looking after the kids while you do that, you are limiting the family time you have together and not giving your spouse much of an incentive to cut out his evening work -he may well be thinking "if my wife is working in the evenings, why shouldn't I? If you add in some extra childcare to match the time you spend on your business during the day, it will give you back your evenings together as a family for that quality time together that you value.
1. Thanks, and good point.
2. Good advice. I am trying to get more done during the day. Unfortunately, it feels like sacrificing "kid/parenting time" for evening time. Just for clarification though, I do work after both kids are asleep (usually after 9 pm :/)
Cali Nonya-
I'm kind of curious about Miss Growing Green's comment about it feeling like a double standard. I'm sort of in the opposite case (female professional wanting to keep working).
Just a double standard from the M-F side or more just the working vrs non-working?
I meant a double standard from the Male-Female side. I feel like we are both working (because raising kids IS a job :).
Sydneystache-
Back to the OP - is there a Plan B if he does not get tenure? He shouldn't compare his situation to his colleagues as appearances can deceive and if comparison is the thief of happiness, how many of his colleagues have a SAHM who manages a property portfolio that is giving them a massive FIRE opportunity without the workplace bullshit?
Plan B (we have always agreed on this... I think, haha) is to "retire" at least until the kids both start school regularly. We can then (both) look for meaningful part-time work. I don't think he is at risk for not getting tenure though... he's kinda top of his field / over-achiever
Case-
Based on my experience (chemist speaking), some of the benefits of going the academic route are questionable. Academics often tout their intellectual freedom, to work on what they want, as being a major plus. But in industrial research in chemistry (not sure about ecology), you have plenty of opportunity to work on very interesting, fulfilling problems. In fact, the industrial chemists often work on more important, more impactful problems. So many academics pigeon-hole themselves into narrow scope areas of research which are entirely academic curiosities and don't matter to the world outside of academics. Only a small handful end up having actual impact. Compound that with the reality the funding sources are becoming stricter and stricter which encroaches into intellectual freedom... as soon as you abandon the lame excuse of 'intellectual freedom', the sooner you can open your eyes.
This is something we have talked about before. In all the possible fields of science, he's in one of the most impactful, and his work is extremely relevant and useful (he is a climate change scientist- gathers satellite data and model predictions for future climate changes at a global scale). But even knowing this, we both have talked about how little impact he will likely have on the world (especially depressing given the current administration).
MayDay-
But I will say that the *idea* of traveling with small people is not as fun as the *reality*. I cannot count the number of people who say they want to travel, and then they get an actual child who does things like: not sleep on trips (or ever)* or decides not to poop until he/she gets home from a trip** or whatever. You go through a few of those adventures, and even if your H was there, you might decide to just stay home until they are about 4.
Hahaha! We have experienced the poop thing too! I actually had to delete an AirBnB account because of a huge poop disaster with our oldest when we were in Costa Rica. Won't go into the details but the unforgiving host left us a negative review :P
former player-
One further thought: why are you in suburbia? You don't have to worry about the kids' schools yet, so might a town centre loft, or some other quirky housing type or location, feel better for you?
Good idea. We chose this location when we had 5 days to find housing here, but this summer are relocating VERY close to the university for a change of environment and to save on commuting time (I'll take any time I can get!)
Alps-
Remember that he is not even teaching right now! Things will NOT get better next year workload-wise, they will get much worse.
I posed this thought to him after reading your comment and he thought work would be equal or easier... he posed the argument that he is preparing his (one) course this year, and his lab will be mostly set up this year, and all the "initial social obligations" of starting a new job will be done with by the second year. Clearly we are both in uncharted territory though, so this was just his best guess.