Sorry for not updating/replying sooner- got busy ;)
I'm going to try to answer everyone's questions without writing an epic here.
Thanks for all of the thoughtful advice from everyone. To those of you that straight out told me we should just get divorced- your opinion(s) are borderline offensive and largely worthless (just saying). I realize it's hard to convey a 10 year relationship in a few paragraphs, but separation /divorce is not something either of us are remotely interested in. at all.
A few clarifications that many have mis-interpreted:
We BOTH want our children to have at least one stay at home parent. It's not like I have no education and nothing better to do. We met as colleagues getting our Master's degrees. I have a Master's and he has a PhD. He has said before that if I absolutely wanted to go back to work he would quit and be a SAHD (though he *really* doesn't want to do that). So those that said that he is essentially living his dream with or without me are incorrect. Both of us had "the dream" to have children and raise them together. He would not be able to have his career without me being a SAHM.
I only work 5-10 hours a week managing the entire rental business and all of the finances for the family. Everything is already outsourced as much as possible. 5-10 hours a week is pretty minimal considering the amount of income the rentals are bringing in, and that we are actively investing each year. I basically spend this time reviewing docs, signing things, putting in offers on new RE transactions, and fielding conversations from my various contacts (lawyer, management company, accountant, and real estate agent).
I don't plan to ever go back to work at a standard job. When I feel as though I have ample free time, I'll put more time into growing the rentals. If that isn't fulfilling I'll volunteer time doing something that is, since money won't be a driver. If that feels too menial I can always start a non-profit for something that engages me (thinking out loud here).
My husband and I are very open and honest. I love the suggestion(s) to sit down and have a long conversation without kids. My in-laws will be here at the end of the month and we will be able to have some kid-free time. In the past we have written down our 3, 5, and 10 year goals for family, personal, and financial attainment. I think we'll do this and then see where we align and can compromise.
Now, to address certain individuals:
historienne & Genevieve- thanks for the advice and article. Yes, there are opportunities for travel. When he gets tenure there is an option for a 2-yr sabbatical anywhere we want (for the most part). There are also conferences a few times a year but those are very stressful events and bringing the family along seems silly when the destinations aren't usually that enticing.
Noodle- Yes, we moved for the job. I agree, our situation is temporary. I realize things will become vastly easier once the kids start school and once my husband gets tenure (potentially). It just sucks that the hardest parenting part (physically/time wise) is overlapping with the hardest stage in his career.
farmerj- See above, but rentals themselves are only about 5 hrs/wk. Entirety of managing our finances and rental investments is 5-10 hours a week. I am pretty much unwilling to sell off something that is earning a substantial salary for an input of 5 hrs / week ;). It's my one "adult" thing I get to do now, and the freedom of not "having" to work (whether or not he chooses to) is something we both can't let go of.
Hargrove- achieving FIRE is a series of compromises. No one (except that ERE guy) is working every free minute and eating rice and beans for every meal. We both obtained graduate degrees in ecology, like you said, not a good choice for FIRE. That was the one major compromise we made because it was important to us to not sacrifice our passions for FIRE. I eventually quit when we decided to prioritize starting a family, but we always had our side job / hobby of remodeling, flipping, and rentals. When we attained enough financial stability for me to quit I focused on building up the rentals so hubby could eventually quit too. Everyone can look at the life choices of someone who is FIRE and point out non-FIRE choices. Doesn't mean we didn't aggressively and thoughtfully work towards FIRE. And BTW, we did it on a single salary (because when he was doing his PhD I was working, then he got a job and I quit). Not bragging, just saying we definitely did the live/spend minimally, save and aggressively invest strategy.
Retire-Canada
Nothing would prevent her husband from using his education to do something rewarding that is compatible with less than FT work and could be done remotely. She's not saying stop working 100%. She's saying you don't need to work for money so prioritize you wife and kids over work. That seems pretty reasonable.
YES. YES. YES!!! (and thank you for saying so :)
Travelling Bioligst-
It's so nice to hear from someone in a similar situation (though who has progressed past our point) and can see the light at the end of the tunnel and also offer support through solidarity. Tons of good suggestions and food for thought- thank you.
clairebonk-
Hahaha, your post is amazing! Basically speaking my mind in alot of ways. The manny idea is not bad! The things I can never get to, like changing the oil, picking up the dog poo in the back, and now that we have two kids, doing more active stuff with the older one since the younger one is still so little. We have a "nanny" that comes 4 hrs/week to our home, but I have mixed feelings about it, because she is doing "my" job while I do "other work". We never evolved to raise kids by ourselves (e.g. one woman raising children without other women). We live far from any family and are "alone" aside from my girlfriends that are all as worn thin as I am. I'll respond to your pm now... :)
Iplawyer-
Are you managing the properties? Otherwise, why is your life so stressful? Millions and Millions of people make this work without being as stressed as you seem to be. And it is selfish of you to want him to quit.
So, in short, OUTSOURCE everything possible, including the property management. You are stealing time from your relationship with your husband by trying to continue to do that.
mmkay. I'm trying to take your suggestions in the best light possible, but I seriously cannot move past these words. First to answer your question- yes, I have a property management company. However, when you get to a certain number of rentals you still have to invest some time in managing, even if you have a property mgmt. company (especially if you are actively acquiring property each year). I work about 5 hrs/week on rentals.
So it is selfish for me to want him to quit, but I am "stealing" time from my relationship with my husband if I pursue a career (even a career from home that I squeeze into the cracks of my life)?
I never said it was *so* stressful. I just said it was stressful. As stressed as any other stay-at-home parent is with two young kids and a partner working all the time away from home. I just think it's silly for us to be "like everyone else" when we don't have to live that life of stress.