How should I respond to my spouse's non-mustachian request?

[Omy]

DH really wants an expensive golf simulator that will cost a minimum of $6,000...probably closer to $10,000 if he gets the fancier one that he really wants. I think he's crazy but hate to squash his dreams because he's usually very frugal.

We are fat-FIREd and have the money and space. My biggest concern is that he'll use it for awhile and get bored with it or that it won't live up to his expectations.

What do you do when your spouse wants an expensive item that doesn't make sense to you?

[former player]

If you are fat-fired and have the space does that mean that it is still anti-mustachian?  Certainly if you were not yet FIREd it could be, and if it meant buying a bigger house it could be.  Perhaps it means not moving to a smaller house, in which case it could also be anti-mustachian.  But if it means that your DH gets to play a form of golf all year without buying a winter home in Florida and flying down there for 3 months every year perhaps it's the less anti-mustachian option?  Perhaps it's not very environmentally friendly (electronics?  plastics?  energy useage) but again still better than those flights to Florida?  Perhaps you've Marie Kondo'd the heck out of your home and worry that this purchase undoes a corner of all that good work?

I mean, I don't have a spouse but I can imagine worse things a spouse might want to bring home.  And you can always nag him to sell it if it turns out to be a one-hit wonder.

[ysette9]

Does your spouse have a history of wanting expensive things or is this sort of a fluke? If a fluke then I’d go with it. We all have crazy desires now and again and the beauty of FIRE is being able to pursue them.

If he doesn’t end up using it then what is the worst thing that happens? I imagine he could sell it and recoup some of the money. Or you are just out $10k. What impact would that have on your finances?

[Omy]

Interesting points to consider. We do plan to downsize at some point, so that's a minor concern. The non-mustachian part (for me) is that he isn't interested in the $1000 version or in buying a used one.

I'd say this is mostly a fluke since it took me by surprise. He has started talking about getting a new car (his is 8 yo and mine is 12 yo and both are in good shape and rarely used). I think these desires are both signs of boredom since we're about to go into another winter with limited travel due to covid.

It probably won't have a significant impact on finances (though we are also spending A LOT on home improvements this year).

[Metalcat]

There are two very different questions here and one red flag.

The first question is whether or not you and your spouse are aligned in terms of spending priorities. This really just requires excellent communication, especially when the spending wouldn't negatively affect your outcomes. You just need to have systems for discussing these kinds of things where both parties can feel respected. That's easier said than done, but it is a skill that will benefit every aspect of your marriage, so it's absolutely worth figuring out.

The second, much bigger issue that's popping up to me as a red flag is that you don't seem to respect your spouse's ability to asses their own needs. This isn't me criticizing you, you might have very good reason based on his history of behaviour.

So it's either one of two scenarios

1: He has a proven track record of being fickle and wanting stupid expensive nonsense items that he totally loses interest in, in which case, he has put you in the very uncomfortable and inappropriate position of having to police his impulses, which is an inappropriate parenting role. Not cool.

OR

2: He hasn't established a pattern of doing this, and you are for some reason not giving him the benefit of the doubt that he knows himself well enough to know when a rare, major purchase might be worthwhile for him. Is there a reason not to trust his judgement?

Either scenario is suboptimal.

Now there might be a totally different explanation as to why you are concerned that your otherwise frugal partner wants an enormously expensive toy and you doubt his judgement as to whether or not he will actually get value from it. And it's up to you if you want to share, or even if you just want to ignore my post.

However, these are the things that immediately stand out to me as concerns that are far more pressing than the actual purchase in question. At least based on the extremely limited information you've shared so far.

[iris lily]

We are Fat Fired as well. My uber frugal DH wanted two expensive things  in the 30+ years of our marriage, both things with motors.

 The first one is an old, pretty Mercedes-Benz 450. And I confess to starting that deal because on a whim one day I said hey let’s go look at a couple of these 450s that are for sale. Just for fun. He fell for one of them. We walked away, but imagine my shock when he said quietly a few weeks later, “I would like to buy that gold car.” Since He wasn’t in the fever of seeing it at the moment, he had time to cool off, I agreed.That purchase did not stop there though we had to build a house for the car so that was $25,000 for a double garage.

The other thing he bought was an old farm tractor from the 1950s. He’s now playing with it and having fun with it.He has talked about this for years, even before we bought a country house.

It’s never the money with these things, it is for me are they gonna sit around or will he use them?  Once he owns something he NEVER EVEr EVER gives it up. The farm tractor junks up our 1 acre country place,, but we just built a big  garage with an underground place for it to be stored, so I am happy that its unslightliness is out of the way now.

To the OP, I would be watching the boredom factor in his life as a worrisome driver for this purchase.

[rmorris50]

I assume he’s a big golfer? If so I prob would let him have it but would ask to make it a part of house upgrade and/or vacation budget you have set aside. If he’s normally frugal he prob really wants it and will get enough use out of it.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Linea_Norway]

Learn that buying used stuff is a great way for trying out new hobbies. And a great way to get good quality equipment for a very decent price. You can often sell it again for the same price.

[JAYSLOL]

I’m not much of a golfer, play the occasional 9-hole par 3 with some friends for fun, but I know how pricy the big executive courses can get, so even at $10k, the golf simulator may very well cost less over the next 5-10 years compared to spending the same time on an fancy course.  And while the simulator wouldn’t be for me, being Mustachian isn’t about not spending, it’s about spending on what you value, so if he’s going to get good value out of it and the money isn’t a concern, I’d say go for it. 

[Omy]

You guys are so good at digging in.

He has not actually played a round of golf in a couple of years. In the 20 years I've known him, he's played fewer than 75 rounds of golf. He's decent at it, gets invited to play, but finds reasons not to go. He goes to a driving range 4 or 5 times a year.

He has talked about getting new clubs for several years, but he hasn't pulled the trigger on that.

I would LOVE for him to go golfing with his buddies weekly...or even more often. I'm concerned that he almost never leaves the house (though this is a new development since covid so I haven't been overly worried). We take daily walks outside and do yard work but the rest of the time he's in the house - reading, working on hobbies, watching sports or movies.

We used to be very social and our life has become much more home-centric since March 2020. I still make a point of seeing friends or family at least weekly but he has not. I think that him having another reason to not leave the house might be the root of my concerns.

[reeshau]

With just this information, I don't see why you would block the purchase.  You've crossed the finish line, and as far as hobbies go, that's not the worst expense.  You couldn't travel the world for that, and could easily spend that much on a woodworking shop.  And it wouldn't be that much of a sports car.  (As examples)

But to dig a little further:

How much experience does he have with simulators?  Does he *think* he would enjoy it, or *know* that he would enjoy It?

I assume, given the timing, that you are in a northern state, and...winter is coming.  Does your DH play regular golf?  Has he had the opportunity much since Covid hit?  I could see a mental space, much like many home improvements in the past 18 months, where this is a "Covid proof" way to golf.  And of course, It's a cheaper option, over time, than traveling in the winter to play golf in a warmer place.

(Edit:  I see you have just answered the frequency question)


I do think It's a reasonable request to look at used options.  What's the price difference?  If his hangup on that is condition / risk of problems, does the company sell refurbished / factory warrantied used ones?  You may not end up getting used after all, but at least knowing the market is useful information.  If he has made good choices through your marriage, then as @Malcat said, I think you need to trust his informed decision.

Another potential compromise, to check if it might be a fad: is there some place with a simulator that he could go to?  Not as convenient as having one at home, but maybe get him a membership with a simulator so he can try it this winter.  And if he still really likes it, look at used prices in the Spring, which I imagine would be the off season since the weather would be warming up.

The other thing given the price tag: is it available for a medium-term rental?  It might be relatively expensive, so he might have put off the idea.  But if you think It's worth a $1,000 bet to make sure that he will really enjoy the $10,000 purchase, then tell him you would be OK to rent one first, again to make an informed decision.

The other caution is: is this the only aspect of the purchase?  Where would this go in your house?  That place has high enough ceilings for a golf swing?  And what about errant balls?  There could be some good dings in drywall, or ricochet off of concrete.  I'm minfull of @iris lily 's story, that the car then needed a garage.  This doesn't change the facts that you can afford it, and it seems to be his one big dream.  But in making his decision, It's fair to make sure that *he* has added up all the costs, and still wants it--again, an informed decision.

[rmorris50]

Sounds like you have some good talking points to have with your husband. I do think getting out of the house and being social is very important. It’s the reason why I find myself on my Peloton less and opt for CrossFit classes and walks with the dogs and spouse.

What golfing husband wouldn’t love for his wife to tell him to get out of the house and go golf haha.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Omy]

 " Does he *think* he would enjoy it, or *know* that he would enjoy It?"

He's used a simulator once or twice. Not sure if that answers the question.

We have an unfinished section of basement with high ceilings that would probably survive...but we would need to evaluate that further.

[Metalcat]

You guys are so good at digging in.

He has not actually played a round of golf in a couple of years. In the 20 years I've known him, he's played fewer than 75 rounds of golf. He's decent at it, gets invited to play, but finds reasons not to go. He goes to a driving range 4 or 5 times a year.

He has talked about getting new clubs for several years, but he hasn't pulled the trigger on that.

I would LOVE for him to go golfing with his buddies weekly...or even more often. I'm concerned that he almost never leaves the house (though this is a new development since covid so I haven't been overly worried). We take daily walks outside and do yard work but the rest of the time he's in the house - reading, working on hobbies, watching sports or movies.

We used to be very social and our life has become much more home-centric since March 2020. I still make a point of seeing friends or family at least weekly but he has not. I think that him having another reason to not leave the house might be the root of my concerns.

See, this is why it stood out to me as a red flag, there's obviously something going on that is making you not trust your adult spouse's ability to exercise judgement.

So make sure you actually discuss the factors that you are *really* concerned about, and not just the factors that this *seems* to be about, just because it's expensive.

Have you talked to him about your concern about him not getting out enough? Is he aware it's an issue?

[kina]

I read that wives of men diagnosed with Alzheimer's had seen signs and suspected well before diagnosis.

In my case, I 'knew' something was afoot a good ten years before my DH was diagnosed. I am wondering if you are experiencing the same kind of thing. Quite possible that my own experiences are coloring your story, but since this seems out of character (plus the additional talking of getting new vehicles) it could be a cautionary flag.

[Omy]

Yes, Malcat...your post reminded me that most money issues aren't really about the money.

I've always felt that (for the most part) we've had a mature, respectful relationship and have been in sync regarding financials. We throw almost everything into joint accounts and trust each other to check in before making big purchases unilaterally.

This came a bit out of left field, so my initial thoughts weren't as introspective as they should have been.

I've encouraged him to get out more, but I haven't framed it as an issue. While he's wickedly smart, he's not great at communicating thoughts and feelings.

I don't think I'm trying to be his parent, but I will keep that in mind. ExH was a crazy YOLO spender so there's a distinct possibility that my initial gut reaction was to reign spending in as I miserably had to during my first marriage. I've never felt like that with DH since he's always been frugal and thoughtful about finances.

[Omy]

I read that wives of men diagnosed with Alzheimer's had seen signs and suspected well before diagnosis.

In my case, I 'knew' something was afoot a good ten years before my DH was diagnosed. I am wondering if you are experiencing the same kind of thing. Quite possible that my own experiences are coloring your story, but since this seems out of character (plus the additional talking of getting new vehicles) it could be a cautionary flag.

I hope that's not the case, but I appreciate the head's up. What sort of changes did you notice?

[Metalcat]

Yes, Malcat...your post reminded me that most money issues aren't really about the money.

I've always felt that (for the most part) we've had a mature, respectful relationship and have been in sync regarding financials. We throw almost everything into joint accounts and trust each other to check in before making big purchases unilaterally.

This came a bit out of left field, so my initial thoughts weren't as introspective as they should have been.

I've encouraged him to get out more, but I haven't framed it as an issue. While he's wickedly smart, he's not great at communicating thoughts and feelings.

I don't think I'm trying to be his parent, but I will keep that in mind. ExH was a crazy YOLO spender so there's a distinct possibility that my initial gut reaction was to reign spending in as I miserably had to during my first marriage. I've never felt like that with DH since he's always been frugal and thoughtful about finances.

Any reflexive behaviour where you feel the need to try and protect someone from their own foolishness is a parenting type of dynamic.

It can be a good thing. My DH knows I'm atrocious at remembering the things I need when I leave the house. Any time I leave the house he goes into "dad mode" and in a stern tone asks me "are you forgetting anything?"

It's a pure, condescending, dad thing to do, and I'm perfectly fine with in because in this particular aspect of life, I consistently and predictably act like a child, and we both know if and find it funny, and I appreciate him preventing me from leaving the house in a rush and having to come back.

So I'm not criticizing you when I say that, I'm warning you to pay attention to it though, because when it's done with mutual consent, it's just part of a partnership where one person looks out for the other when they're kind of dumb sometimes. 

But when you reflexively default to it without a strong, mutually agreed upon, justifiable basis? That's where you slip slide into being disrespectful of your partner's autonomy. Or worse, failing to communicate a need they aren't meeting.

That's why I asked, if there's a basis for this and he knows he's prone to fixating on purchases and then getting bored with them, then he might be totally on board with you helping to police his impulses.

But if he hasn't, then you need to figure out *and communicate* why you are doubting his capacity to know his own mind and needs.

And if you're bringing ex baggage into the equation, you need to be able to account for that and potentially communicate that as well. It's important for a spouse to know their partner's trigger points that are holdovers from their exes.

Like, you could express to him that because of your experience with your ex, it takes a bit more explanation and reassurance for big, luxurious purchases. You need to feel reassured that this really is the right splurge for him compared to anything else he could possibly spend money on, and that there's a good reason why he won't consider a used option.

You are entitled to know your partner's motivations. But go into it with the spirit of trying to fully understand rather than trying to control, unless he gives you very, very good reason to.

[Duke03]

10k will buy a lot of time at Top Golf!!!  My wife and I have an understanding.  If one of us wants to spend over $2500 on something it either has to benefit both of us or will benefit our entire family someway or some how.  Otherwise it needs to be budgeted for and we save up for that thing with the understanding that it's at the back of the list and might take over a year to get.  Usually during that time either I or her come to our senses and realize we didn't really want what we thought we wanted!!!

[Omy]

I thought about a Top Golf membership as well. With the added benefit that it would get him out of the house!

Our number that doesn't need to be discussed is $100 (I think he suggested that number years ago). When we FIREd, we started slush funds. We seeded the "accounts" with $1000 each and we add money every month. I wanted to have a mechanism for completely independent spending that didn't need to be discussed. Normally a large item like this would fall into the "slush" category, but he would need a big infusion to cover it as we each have around $3k in "fun money" right now.

I appreciate everyone's comments...it's definitely helping me organize my thoughts.

[MrThatsDifferent]

I’m confused why a grown ass adult who has worked their asses off, is FAT-FIRED, needs to justify something they’re interested in? Why does everyone have to question their soul to fulfill someone else’s view of meaning? Personally, if we could well afford it and it wouldn’t dent a thing, I’d say: enjoy honey, and if you ever get bored of it, you can sell it on eBay.

Pick your battles. This isn’t the one to fight or even stress over. Sheesh.

[Omy]

Thanks for the face punch.

I'm coming to that conclusion as well.

[kei te pai]

Just a counter point, when spouse comes up with something that seems out of character, I would say its quite ok to explore with them why they want it.
Whats the itch they are trying to scratch?

[Metalcat]

Just a counter point, when spouse comes up with something that seems out of character, I would say its quite ok to explore with them why they want it.
Whats the itch they are trying to scratch?

100%

Even if the financial rationale isn't a big deal, it's indicating something, and that shouldn't be ignored.

[trollwithamustache]

So, COVID has made everyone and everything more home focused.  I spend a crap ton of money on a gym equipment because, well, otherwise there was no gym. Now, I don't go back to the gym.

Especially if you are Fatfire, I could see an underlying push to have onsite this thing that I want to do. Or this thing that I think I want to do. Because if its on-site, it can't be taken away from me in another lock down or winter or whatever.  Renting has lots its luster.

[Omy]

This is all great food for thought. Another thing that has suffered (for us) during covid and FIRE is communicating about deeper issues. We have lapsed into comfortable coexistence because we see so much of each other. No more "how was your day" because we already experienced the day together. We don't disagree on much, and we've talked about how we've been good pandemic partners. I can't imagine getting through this with anybody else as easily.

But so much togetherness seems inherently unhealthy, and I think we need separate experiences outside of the home. Maybe he doesn't feel the same.

Lots of new things to dissect on our next walk.

[Morning Glory]

I’m confused why a grown ass adult who has worked their asses off, is FAT-FIRED, needs to justify something they’re interested in? Why does everyone have to question their soul to fulfill someone else’s view of meaning? Personally, if we could well afford it and it wouldn’t dent a thing, I’d say: enjoy honey, and if you ever get bored of it, you can sell it on eBay.

Pick your battles. This isn’t the one to fight or even stress over. Sheesh.

I don't know what a golf simulator looks like but I'm assuming it's big.  If she wants to downsize in the next couple years then having a large item like that in the house would be a cause for frustration, no matter the cost for the thing itself.  In that case a membership someplace that has one would make a lot more sense. Would he get rid of other items to make room for it or would there be clutter spilling over into other parts of the house?

[Metalcat]

This is all great food for thought. Another thing that has suffered (for us) during covid and FIRE is communicating about deeper issues. We have lapsed into comfortable coexistence because we see so much of each other. No more "how was your day" because we already experienced the day together. We don't disagree on much, and we've talked about how we've been good pandemic partners. I can't imagine getting through this with anybody else as easily.

But so much togetherness seems inherently unhealthy, and I think we need separate experiences outside of the home. Maybe he doesn't feel the same.

Lots of new things to dissect on our next walk.

I don't necessarily agree.
DH and I have become closer and more cohesive since covid hit and we are home together nearly 24/7. We also downsized to a 1 bedroom apartment right beforehand.

So we went from a too big townhouse and both working outside the house in slightly offset hours, and me being away for events many evenings, to being together in a very small space, me retired and him working from home.

It has required a mental segmenting of time. During work hours, we barely talk to each other and when we do, we keep it light. During weekday evening, we chat and spend quality time together, and on weekends we make sure to do something different to shake up the vibe, and purposely have deeper talks.

If you are able to comfortably be together that much, there's nothing inherently unhealthy about it, but just like any significant change in circumstances, you have to stay on top of it and make modifications in real time in order to adjust optimally to it.

If your communication on deep issues is lagging, then since you've noticed that, engineer ways to sustain it.

If you find that for your marriage that separation is indeed needed, then engineer ways to be separate. At the beginning of covid, I went for 1-3 hour walks every morning for the first several months. I would still be doing it if my body allowed it.

[MrThatsDifferent]

Just a counter point, when spouse comes up with something that seems out of character, I would say its quite ok to explore with them why they want it.
Whats the itch they are trying to scratch?

Sure, be curious and interested in understanding. Don’t micromanage or treat a partner like a child. People can have fun things. A golf simulator isn’t a cry for help, don’t treat it as such. Sometimes people want toys, and again, they’re just not for children. Play is as important to adults as kids. You don’t have to get it or agree, you also don’t have to get in the way of something that isn’t causing harm.

[Omy]

The "too much togetherness is bad" feeling is stemming from my experience in the previous marriage (now that I really think about it.)

We have a clown house for now. I would sell it in a minute if he was ready to downsize or move into an RV. He's a hard "no" on living in an RV, and we haven't found the right downsize home. We are looking casually online, but nothing has motivated us to step inside an open house since covid hit.

We do a pretty good job of getting alone time and space inside the clown house. I can't imagine pulling that off in a one bedroom. We definitely need to check in more (which means I need to check in more...he's not inclined to bring up or go deep into feelings if he doesn't have to).

Interesting that this thread has turned into a therapy session...

[kina]

I read that wives of men diagnosed with Alzheimer's had seen signs and suspected well before diagnosis.

In my case, I 'knew' something was afoot a good ten years before my DH was diagnosed. I am wondering if you are experiencing the same kind of thing. Quite possible that my own experiences are coloring your story, but since this seems out of character (plus the additional talking of getting new vehicles) it could be a cautionary flag.

I hope that's not the case, but I appreciate the head's up. What sort of changes did you notice?

(I am smiling because "in the beginning" I asked the same things of a dear woman who had gone before me on the path. You will be getting the same--generally unhelpful--answer)

In the beginning, it is very small things that on their own are just off. Not remembering how to get to the dentist you have been seeing regularly for years, for example. Later, it was bringing up subjects for discussion we had covered a day or two previously. (RMD's anyone?) When he called me after losing his way to a familiar place, I realized I couldn't deal with it alone anymore. The thing is, there is no absolute set of behaviors. The only reason I brought it up was because what he wants seems out of character to you.

I don't want to derail your thread, but if you ever want to chat, feel free to pm me.

[Omy]

Thank you. I haven't seen anything like that. He is a tad more forgetful and bumps into things on occasion (door knobs, furniture). I'm hoping that's just normal aging and not a bigger issue of losing spatial awareness. Recently I gently suggested that he try being more intentional in moving about because I was having similar issues a few years ago and realized I had to be more vigilant about watching my footing than I did a decade ago. He recognized that I was trying to be helpful...and I haven't heard him swear at any doorknobs in the past few weeks.

[Catbert]

I thought about a Top Golf membership as well. With the added benefit that it would get him out of the house!

Our number that doesn't need to be discussed is $100 (I think he suggested that number years ago). When we FIREd, we started slush funds. We seeded the "accounts" with $1000 each and we add money every month. I wanted to have a mechanism for completely independent spending that didn't need to be discussed. Normally a large item like this would fall into the "slush" category, but he would need a big infusion to cover it as we each have around $3k in "fun money" right now.

I appreciate everyone's comments...it's definitely helping me organize my thoughts.

One *solution* would be to add 7K to each of your slush funds.  This assumes that their might be something expensive that you want/will want.  I have friends who are Fat-Retired (not early at this point) and she'll comment, "He got a motorcycle so I got XXX".  The comment seems kinda joking and kinda not. 

[Tester]

I am not sure how I would react in your situation as I am not retired, let alone fat retired.

I am just thinking: fat retired.....10k.....perhaps ask about considering used.....No?.....ok, let's get it new.....consider selling in 6 months if not used.

[elaine amj]

We're FIREd and my DH is indulging my "unnecessary" $10k home reno / redecorating wish. He'd like it to be way way cheaper (and has already attempted to convince me that rearranging was sufficient) but is indulging my desire for a prettier home.

It's expensive, doesn't make a massive amount of sense to him, and is all unnecessary fluff. But we have the money, it isn't going to detract from any other goals, and it is something I've thought about extensively and have decided I value.

Sent from my VCE-AL00 using Tapatalk

[Omy]

One *solution* would be to add 7K to each of your slush funds.  This assumes that their might be something expensive that you want/will want.  I have friends who are Fat-Retired (not early at this point) and she'll comment, "He got a motorcycle so I got XXX".  The comment seems kinda joking and kinda not. 

That is probably how we will do the "accounting" though I have no idea what I'd spend it on. He's looking at different options including used and DIY. He's an engineer so it will be well thought out.

[Omy]

We're FIREd and my DH is indulging my "unnecessary" $10k home reno / redecorating wish. He'd like it to be way way cheaper (and has already attempted to convince me that rearranging was sufficient) but is indulging my desire for a prettier home.

It's expensive, doesn't make a massive amount of sense to him, and is all unnecessary fluff. But we have the money, it isn't going to detract from any other goals, and it is something I've thought about extensively and have decided I value.

Sent from my VCE-AL00 using Tapatalk

I don't look at home improvements the same way. If DH suggested a $10k home improvement that added value and optimized the space I wouldn't think twice about it.

[Villanelle]

I thought about a Top Golf membership as well. With the added benefit that it would get him out of the house!

Our number that doesn't need to be discussed is $100 (I think he suggested that number years ago). When we FIREd, we started slush funds. We seeded the "accounts" with $1000 each and we add money every month. I wanted to have a mechanism for completely independent spending that didn't need to be discussed. Normally a large item like this would fall into the "slush" category, but he would need a big infusion to cover it as we each have around $3k in "fun money" right now.

I appreciate everyone's comments...it's definitely helping me organize my thoughts.

I haven't read the posts after this one, but with this additional info, I think I'd propose that he pay for half with his slush fund (the current $3000 balance, plus paying the additional $2000 through whatever means you use to replenish the slush fund.  That would mean no slush spending until that $2k was paid back.  Or perhaps 1 of every 2 dollars that come in go back to the family account, until the debt is paid, if that feels better. The other half would come out of the basic household budget, and/or calling it holiday/birthday/whatever for the next few occasions.

That seems like a fair compromise, and also a way that might cause him to so some soul-searching to determine whether he truly wants this, or if it is just a boredom-induced whim.  If it's not worth $5000 of his personal dollars, then it's probably not worth an additional $5000 of your family dollars (or $10,000 family dollars).

Since you have a mechanism for personal, independent spending, it seems like now is the time to use that. 

[BiggerFishToFI]

I can say (as a golfer) that the 1k simulator wont offer near the experience of the more expensive version. The new simulator technology is pretty amazing in that it tracks the physical ball flight with radar and can predict within feet of what you would experience outdoors. The cheaper ones simply look at the clubhead speed and angle and assume you are striking the ball well - they can actually be very detrimental to your golf game.

The simulators also give you the opportunity to play courses you never would otherwise, and there are online leagues/tournaments and other ways to socialize as well.

It does seem odd that he is not an avid golfer in the first place however... as an avid golfer I know I would use the simulator probably daily if I had the time and space.

[Omy]

He definitely doesn't want a cheap version (and he's told me the REALLY good ones are $50-60k.)

After discussing with him, he'd like to golf more but wants to improve his game first before going out with friends who play regularly. Would a simulator help improve skills and confidence?

[omachi]

Could just be a case of the price of the thing not aligning with how much you'd expect to hear about wanting the thing before it is initially mentioned.

I did this once, and normally DW and I are very well aligned on spending. I told DW that I wanted to go look at a car. I've been keeping track of a particular model for the 15+ years it's been sold and would really like to own one some day. I've driven them a few times and know I'd love it. But I probably hadn't mentioned it more than a handful of times, because they aren't cheap and I hadn't really been ready to buy one. The one I wanted to look at was advertised as being in great shape, had the options I wanted, was nearby, and a good price.

It came down to "I have no reason to stop you, but this has caught me completely off guard." I went and looked, but there were a couple red flags I wanted checked out at my own expense, and then somebody else bought it before I could arrange that. Oh well. I don't have my car yet and DW had her moment of relief. The lines of communication on this are open and I make it a point to mention occasionally, so it won't come as a shock next time I want to go look at one.

But that's my guess. It isn't that it's $10k. It's that it's the first you'd heard that he wanted something that's $10k and was already seriously considering it, without a bunch of mentioning it in the abstract first.

[Metalcat]

We're FIREd and my DH is indulging my "unnecessary" $10k home reno / redecorating wish. He'd like it to be way way cheaper (and has already attempted to convince me that rearranging was sufficient) but is indulging my desire for a prettier home.

It's expensive, doesn't make a massive amount of sense to him, and is all unnecessary fluff. But we have the money, it isn't going to detract from any other goals, and it is something I've thought about extensively and have decided I value.

Sent from my VCE-AL00 using Tapatalk

I don't look at home improvements the same way. If DH suggested a $10k home improvement that added value and optimized the space I wouldn't think twice about it.

This seems pretty arbitrary to me.
Most home renos depreciate pretty quickly, and a large component of the expense for most people is purely cosmetic.

I personally think that home renos get way too much of a pass from people consider the massive expense of them.

If someone were to use a golf simulator daily and get a huge increase in quality of life from that, I don't see how that's meaningfully different from a new bathroom or new kitchen cabinets.

I'm also curious, if you were to ask your husband, would he also see home renos as a more justifiable thing to spend on? Maybe he would, I have no idea because I don't know him.

[BiggerFishToFI]

He definitely doesn't want a cheap version (and he's told me the REALLY good ones are $50-60k.)

After discussing with him, he'd like to golf more but wants to improve his game first before going out with friends who play regularly. Would a simulator help improve skills and confidence?

It can certainly help groove a swing, especially for tee shots that are flat with a perfect lie. Not so much for punch shots out of the rough, chipping and putting which is well over half of the game

[former player]

He definitely doesn't want a cheap version (and he's told me the REALLY good ones are $50-60k.)

After discussing with him, he'd like to golf more but wants to improve his game first before going out with friends who play regularly. Would a simulator help improve skills and confidence?

Lessons with a pro at a golf range or on a course would probably be better.  They would also get him out of the house.  Might end up being more expensive but if the benefits are greater that might not be a problem.

[ender]

What do they sell for used?

This is useful information for two reasons:

• You could potentially buy a used one
• It tells you the financial risk of this - if it costs $10k new and regularly sell for $5k used, you know the "worst case" here is being out $5k

[Omy]

We're FIREd and my DH is indulging my "unnecessary" $10k home reno / redecorating wish. He'd like it to be way way cheaper (and has already attempted to convince me that rearranging was sufficient) but is indulging my desire for a prettier home.

It's expensive, doesn't make a massive amount of sense to him, and is all unnecessary fluff. But we have the money, it isn't going to detract from any other goals, and it is something I've thought about extensively and have decided I value.

Sent from my VCE-AL00 using Tapatalk

I don't look at home improvements the same way. If DH suggested a $10k home improvement that added value and optimized the space I wouldn't think twice about it.

This seems pretty arbitrary to me.
Most home renos depreciate pretty quickly, and a large component of the expense for most people is purely cosmetic.

I personally think that home renos get way too much of a pass from people consider the massive expense of them.

If someone were to use a golf simulator daily and get a huge increase in quality of life from that, I don't see how that's meaningfully different from a new bathroom or new kitchen cabinets.

I'm also curious, if you were to ask your husband, would he also see home renos as a more justifiable thing to spend on? Maybe he would, I have no idea because I don't know him.

Good question. Neither of us has initiated discussions on home improvements in our current residence. We haven't changed much at all in the past decade and tend to be minimalists who maintain items rather than make a lot of improvements.

We both want to make a lot of landscaping changes, but have done that very slowly. Not because of money but because we like very different things and it seems to take a lot of compromising. We both agree "that has to go"...but don't agree with what needs to replace it. We are very much not aligned on plant choices...maybe I should start another thread for that topic!

[Omy]

It can certainly help groove a swing, especially for tee shots that are flat with a perfect lie. Not so much for punch shots out of the rough, chipping and putting which is well over half of the game

I didn't realize it was just for driving....thanks. We have a driving range and a Top Golf that is open all year long. Both are within a 15 minute drive. Would membership to both of those be better or worse (in your opinion) to having a simulator?

[Omy]

He definitely doesn't want a cheap version (and he's told me the REALLY good ones are $50-60k.)

After discussing with him, he'd like to golf more but wants to improve his game first before going out with friends who play regularly. Would a simulator help improve skills and confidence?

Lessons with a pro at a golf range or on a course would probably be better.  They would also get him out of the house.  Might end up being more expensive but if the benefits are greater that might not be a problem.

I would love for him to take lessons. His objection to that suggestion in the past has been not knowing anybody he trusts to break down his swing.

[Omy]

What do they sell for used?

This is useful information for two reasons:

• You could potentially buy a used one
• It tells you the financial risk of this - if it costs $10k new and regularly sell for $5k used, you know the "worst case" here is being out $5k

Great idea.

[yachi]

We're FIREd and my DH is indulging my "unnecessary" $10k home reno / redecorating wish. He'd like it to be way way cheaper (and has already attempted to convince me that rearranging was sufficient) but is indulging my desire for a prettier home.

It's expensive, doesn't make a massive amount of sense to him, and is all unnecessary fluff. But we have the money, it isn't going to detract from any other goals, and it is something I've thought about extensively and have decided I value.

Sent from my VCE-AL00 using Tapatalk

I don't look at home improvements the same way. If DH suggested a $10k home improvement that added value and optimized the space I wouldn't think twice about it.

This seems pretty arbitrary to me.
Most home renos depreciate pretty quickly, and a large component of the expense for most people is purely cosmetic.

I personally think that home renos get way too much of a pass from people consider the massive expense of them.

If someone were to use a golf simulator daily and get a huge increase in quality of life from that, I don't see how that's meaningfully different from a new bathroom or new kitchen cabinets.

I'm also curious, if you were to ask your husband, would he also see home renos as a more justifiable thing to spend on? Maybe he would, I have no idea because I don't know him.

I had to wait in an office waiting room last weekend, and they had on an HGTV show.  I spent most of the time disgusted that they were taking out excellent granite countertops to make way for some different style kitchen cabinets.  To their credit, the countertops are being resold to recover some costs, but it really puts a spotlight on the uselessness of it all.