How much to "charge" live-in boyfriend?

[CommonCents]

And I'll say it: If these conversations don't go well?  Better that you know now rather than later when perhaps married, finances entwined, and kids.

[bikebum]

Based on your last post, I think you have a good plan. Don't be concerned if people on here say you're being too nice or he's taking advantage. None of us know the dynamics of your relationship.

[Snow White]

Consider having "the conversation" now instead of in August. You can still set a future start date like September 1st but it lets you know now where you stand and gives him time to plan for contributions starting.

Be sure and let us know how it all works out and good luck!

[viper155]

Based on your last post, I think you have a good plan. Don't be concerned if people on here say you're being too nice or he's taking advantage. None of us know the dynamics of your relationship.

With all due respect...you don't know the dynamics of her relationship either. Nine months and not working? He's "tired" of mowing the lawn? This guy should man up. That property should be in ship shape. Everything fixed and improved. If I was being supported by someone I sure as Hell would not be whining about mowing the lawn in exchange for food, shelter, security and sex. If I can be blunt, and I'm sorry if some feelings are hurt here, but how does this woman's Father feel about this arrangement. I know I would not like it one bit.
There needs to be some facepunching here

[rocksinmyhead]

Based on your last post, I think you have a good plan. Don't be concerned if people on here say you're being too nice or he's taking advantage. None of us know the dynamics of your relationship.

With all due respect...you don't know the dynamics of her relationship either. Nine months and not working? He's "tired" of mowing the lawn? This guy should man up. That property should be in ship shape. Everything fixed and improved. If I was being supported by someone I sure as Hell would not be whining about mowing the lawn in exchange for food, shelter, security and sex. If I can be blunt, and I'm sorry if some feelings are hurt here, but how does this woman's Father feel about this arrangement. I know I would not like it one bit.
There needs to be some facepunching here

to be fair I thought he was in school that whole time, not just unemployed

[okashira]

Based on your last post, I think you have a good plan. Don't be concerned if people on here say you're being too nice or he's taking advantage. None of us know the dynamics of your relationship.

With all due respect...you don't know the dynamics of her relationship either. Nine months and not working? He's "tired" of mowing the lawn? This guy should man up. That property should be in ship shape. Everything fixed and improved. If I was being supported by someone I sure as Hell would not be whining about mowing the lawn in exchange for food, shelter, security and sex. If I can be blunt, and I'm sorry if some feelings are hurt here, but how does this woman's Father feel about this arrangement. I know I would not like it one bit.
There needs to be some facepunching here

More fire: HE is the one who should have offered the rent/expenses share conversation. If you don't bring it up, was he just going to keep living rent free w/o a care in the world?

[Zamboni]

Here's the bottom line:

You don't have to provide room and board for him, but you did . . . . as a gift.  I have paid rent for someone else when they fell on hard times and needed it as a gift, so I completely understand that.  If you love someone, that's what you do.  But, as you have realized, it shouldn't & cannot be the plan for the indefinite future. 

He now has income and needs to decide:
1) does he want to continue living in your house if it will now cost him $X (which I think should be half, and he's still getting a great deal, YMMV)
or
2) does he want to live somewhere else that will cost him $Y.

The "here are the TOTAL bills including full mortgage payment, utilities, etc.  What do you think is a fair amount to contribute going forward?" conversation will be enlightening.  Maybe what he will say is half or perhaps even more because he wants to pay you back in some way?  That would be a good sign.  If it's a lot less than what you were thinking would be fair, then you need to simply ask him what his reasoning is regarding why that is a fair amount (no need to argue, just see what his thought process is), and then you need to think very long and hard about this relationship if his thought processes are radically different from yours or if the angles he uses to justify the amount are advantaging him too much to your disadvantage. 

Part of me strongly agrees with viper.  I've learned from experience that if you give someone something out of the goodness of your heart, then some folks will be grateful but on the other hand some folks will immediately take what you gave already for granted and immediately expect that and then some more going forward.  There are also even folks who figure out they can float around not paying their share, and that becomes the way they operate in life.  The not wanting you to buy mouthwash and the contribution to the landscaping initially were good signs, but complaining about the yard work and then giving the cold shoulder when your broached finances are bad signs.

Good luck!

[Roland of Gilead]

If you charge him market rate for rent, you may not be able to evict him immediately if you break up.  I seem to remember a case or two about this.   It would be an uncomfortable situation if he has a legal right to stay in your place for xx days after a breakup.

[bikebum]

If you charge him market rate for rent, you may not be able to evict him immediately if you break up.  I seem to remember a case or two about this.   It would be an uncomfortable situation if he has a legal right to stay in your place for xx days after a breakup.

I don't think it makes a difference whether he is charged rent or not, legally. I have a buddy who let someone live with him for free and she went a little crazy. He called the police and asked them to make her leave, but they said they couldn't do anything since she had not committed a crime and he had to go through the formal eviction process since he had given her permission to live there for some minimum amount of time (2 or 3 weeks I think). This is in California, not sure if it is different elsewhere.

[farmstache]

I'd love to hear the end of the story when the conversation happens. I too think you should talk to him in July if you want to start this in August. It'll give him some more time to mull it over and for your ideas and discussions to develop.

As for my system with BF when we first moved in together, we earned about the same, me a little less than him. What we did was:

1) Opened a joint bank account
2) Calculate how much it would take to pay rent, utilities, transportation and any other bill we wanted to share.
3) Establish a percentage of our income to be deposited on the bank account, where we paid rent out of. We started at 50%. Each of us would put 50% of our paychecks there. This was really tight for us (low pay for recent graduates), and of course for you it could be much less. Anyway, this meant that if one of us got a raise or a lower paying job, we'd fiddle around with the percentage, but each one of us would be contributing proportionally. It just seemed fair.

[JodyGirl]

I'm wondering if you've asked a realtor in your area what a home like yours would rent for?  That might help you figure a 50/50 split of an amount if you just pretended  you were both renting the place together.  Also, split all utilities, grocery bills, etc. 50/50.  Owner expenses like repairs, insurance should belong to you as you are the one gaining the equity.

Or, you can estimate this yourself by this method.  I have heard that if you want to rent your home to figure 1% of the assessed value.  So, if your home is worth 200,000 then rent would be 2000 and his half would be 1000.  Even if that's more than half your mortgage, I'd still say that's fair.  As the owner, you have a ton of expenses to cover that he won't.

Good luck.

[Goldielocks]

Keep in mind that you supported him like a wife for the past year, and in another year would be considered common law married...

I think wife "spouse" is the word you were looking for there.

Nope wife is it!  I have been the single wage earner for the past 11 years, due to 5 yrs of school for him (sound familar?) and then a back injury. So this sounds like a wife discription to me.  My hubby started part time a few months ago, which is a relief.  He was also SAH parent.  It is actually really common for wives to put their husbands through school... Almost a 1980's TV cliche, really.

[Goldielocks]

IF you were married, your student debt would be his and vice versa, so go ahead --  add in all your debt repayment schedule to the mix of household expenses, then divy it up at 85k/125K 68% for you, and 40k/125K  32% for him.  (assuming $20/hr is roughly 40k per year)

I am taking this out of context because that's not how student loan debt works in the US. You take on student loan debt in your own name, and currently, cannot consolidate student loans with your spouse (I know this was previously an option to get student loans into one payment per couple, but it's super messy in the case of a divorce, so it's not allowed anymore via the federal govt. consolidation program--of course you could take on a personal loan to pay off the two separate loans and have a combined payment, but then you give up the rights to forbearance and loan forgiveness options). If you die, as long as you were the only signer on your loan (no co-signers), your student loan dies with you and your spouse isn't responsible. That was the only thing that made me nervous about the debt snowball my DH and I did when we were working to pay off our loans--his were smaller loans and also higher interest, so we paid them first.

I agree, for certain!

But. If you are married for the next 50 yrs, wouldn't you be paying it off together even if it remains in one person's name.  I know my response is pushing the edge a bit (thank you anonymous internet), but consider this...   

If you are living with you BF of GF, to the point that you are fully supporting them and they don't even chip in for groceries or get a loan to help out a bit with utilities, (and who has the car costs for that occasional trip and or picnic out?) and likely are not putting major time into making your life easier with housekeeping etc. -Due to that FT school workload, you know. And never discussed terms at the start.. THAT tells me one person is thinking like this is a life long relationship.

Life long means sharing debt payments one way or another.

Roommate means half, if they agree, or market rate if you were to share the house with friend.It is not a year of charity without a discussion...

[GuitarStv]

Based on your last post, I think you have a good plan. Don't be concerned if people on here say you're being too nice or he's taking advantage. None of us know the dynamics of your relationship.

With all due respect...you don't know the dynamics of her relationship either. Nine months and not working? He's "tired" of mowing the lawn? This guy should man up. That property should be in ship shape. Everything fixed and improved. If I was being supported by someone I sure as Hell would not be whining about mowing the lawn in exchange for food, shelter, security and sex. If I can be blunt, and I'm sorry if some feelings are hurt here, but how does this woman's Father feel about this arrangement. I know I would not like it one bit.
There needs to be some facepunching here

More fire: HE is the one who should have offered the rent/expenses share conversation. If you don't bring it up, was he just going to keep living rent free w/o a care in the world?

This is the most troubling part of the whole scenario.  It suggests that either he takes all the expenses paid for him and trouble that she's going to for granted, or he believes he's entitled to it.  Either scenario would bother me as the primary money maker in that relationship.

[mm1970]

Based on your last post, I think you have a good plan. Don't be concerned if people on here say you're being too nice or he's taking advantage. None of us know the dynamics of your relationship.

With all due respect...you don't know the dynamics of her relationship either. Nine months and not working? He's "tired" of mowing the lawn? This guy should man up. That property should be in ship shape. Everything fixed and improved. If I was being supported by someone I sure as Hell would not be whining about mowing the lawn in exchange for food, shelter, security and sex. If I can be blunt, and I'm sorry if some feelings are hurt here, but how does this woman's Father feel about this arrangement. I know I would not like it one bit.
There needs to be some facepunching here

More fire: HE is the one who should have offered the rent/expenses share conversation. If you don't bring it up, was he just going to keep living rent free w/o a care in the world?

This is the most troubling part of the whole scenario.  It suggests that either he takes all the expenses paid for him and trouble that she's going to for granted, or he believes he's entitled to it.  Either scenario would bother me as the primary money maker in that relationship.

Or maybe it's embarrassing?  I can imagine that might be the case these days.  We went, fairly quickly, from men being the breadwinner to that not necessarily being the case.

In any event, I had a former coworker who lost half his house to his ex girlfriend.  She never worked for money really.  So he could not get a mortgage with her.  He bought the house and went back and put her on the title.  And then they split.

Now, they were together long enough that I personally consider that they were "married", so really, that's sort of fair.  He was pissed though, because she broke it off.

[scrubbyfish]

If you lived in Canada, FYI, the law would automatically assume you were "equivalent to married" e.g., common law, after 2 yrs... and many of the legal marriage (separation rights) would then apply.

And in some aspects of Canadian and British Columbian couples law, just one year does it! (Heck, in some cases couples have been taxed retroactively as a "married couple" from points before cohabitation.) Know the laws that apply to you if living with someone.

[GuitarStv]

Or maybe it's embarrassing?  I can imagine that might be the case these days.  We went, fairly quickly, from men being the breadwinner to that not necessarily being the case.

Maybe it's just me, but if being a sponge was causing me embarrassment, the first thing I'd do upon landing a job would be to offer to pay my share of things.  Not sure how embarrassment over failure to equally shoulder financial responsibility works causes someone to continue to avoid said responsibilities.

[Ohio Teacher]

When my wife was my live-in girlfriend for almost 2 years before we got married, I charged her a salary-based percentage which worked out to something like a 35/65 split.  Of course, at no point did she live with me for 9 months without contributing a dime.  So, I feel a 50/50 split is more appropriate in this case.

[Frugal Father]

Or maybe it's embarrassing?  I can imagine that might be the case these days.  We went, fairly quickly, from men being the breadwinner to that not necessarily being the case.

Maybe it's just me, but if being a sponge was causing me embarrassment, the first thing I'd do upon landing a job would be to offer to pay my share of things.  Not sure how embarrassment over failure to equally shoulder financial responsibility works causes someone to continue to avoid said responsibilities.

I think this is a personality thing. For me personally, I think I could see myself doing that if I were in the situation.

[bikebum]

The important thing is that OP and her boyfriend are able to figure out an arrangement that they are both happy with. It's helpful for people to offer ideas for how to share costs, but I doubt she wants a critique on her relationship or boyfriend. All we know about them is a few paragraphs and it's not enough to make conclusions anyway.

Good luck tepster.

[SnackDog]

I would tell him he can pay whatever he is comfortable paying, no questions asked.  If it is significantly less than half, I would tell him you expect him to contribute labor to maintaining and improving the property and/or satisfying your needs, hehe.

[Latwell]

I also live in NJ and was in a similar situation.

My SO and I have been together for 5 years. Around our 2nd year, he lost his job. He was on unemployment for almost a year before getting his job back. During his unemployment, I paid for everything. As soon as he got his job back, I required him to pay half of rent and utilities even though what he made a year was half of what I make.

Until we are married, he will continue to pay half of living expenses. The only thing I don't make him pay half of is groceries unless he buys ridiculous stuff.

[stevesteve]

It's probably worth putting the ball in his court and asking him what he feels he should be paying? It sounds like he probably feels guilty for not paying the first 9 months.

I wouldn't do this.  You're putting his two competing interests in direct conflict--his interest in saving money and his interest in doing his part.  Ask for what you want.  You own the asset you set the price.

[sobezen]

Based on your last post, I think you have a good plan. Don't be concerned if people on here say you're being too nice or he's taking advantage. None of us know the dynamics of your relationship.

With all due respect...you don't know the dynamics of her relationship either. Nine months and not working? He's "tired" of mowing the lawn? This guy should man up. That property should be in ship shape. Everything fixed and improved. If I was being supported by someone I sure as Hell would not be whining about mowing the lawn in exchange for food, shelter, security and sex. If I can be blunt, and I'm sorry if some feelings are hurt here, but how does this woman's Father feel about this arrangement. I know I would not like it one bit.
There needs to be some facepunching here

More fire: HE is the one who should have offered the rent/expenses share conversation. If you don't bring it up, was he just going to keep living rent free w/o a care in the world?

This is the most troubling part of the whole scenario.  It suggests that either he takes all the expenses paid for him and trouble that she's going to for granted, or he believes he's entitled to it.  Either scenario would bother me as the primary money maker in that relationship.

Precisely!  The fact he as the man (regardless if he is not employed) does not raise helping out more would bother me immensely!  Furthermore, if I was in the OP situation I'd recommend trusting your gut more.  We don't know exactly what the OP is feeling but I am willing to wager you have doubts on how "invested" he is in your relationship.  You have every right to doubt him because so far he has demonstrated an entitlement attitude and that would not sit well with me.

[Spartana]

Keep in mind that you supported him like a wife for the past year, and in another year would be considered common law married...

I think wife "spouse" is the word you were looking for there.

Nope wife is it!  I have been the single wage earner for the past 11 years, due to 5 yrs of school for him (sound familar?) and then a back injury. So this sounds like a wife discription to me.  My hubby started part time a few months ago, which is a relief.  He was also SAH parent.  It is actually really common for wives to put their husbands through school... Almost a 1980's TV cliche, really.

So if a man supports his spouse as a single wage earner while she goes to school full time then he is...a wife? And doing a "wifely" duty? I'll go with "spouse" on this one myself since, old gender role stereotypes aside, I know many men who are single working wage earners who financially support their wives while they go to school full time.

[Spartana]

Or maybe it's embarrassing?  I can imagine that might be the case these days.  We went, fairly quickly, from men being the breadwinner to that not necessarily being the case.

Maybe it's just me, but if being a sponge was causing me embarrassment, the first thing I'd do upon landing a job would be to offer to pay my share of things.  Not sure how embarrassment over failure to equally shoulder financial responsibility works causes someone to continue to avoid said responsibilities.

This is my opinion also. I wondered why it wasn't the first thing he brought up as soon as he had a job. That would have been a HUGE red flag for me. And the fact that she doesn't feel comfortable asking a person she lives with and is intimate with to help share a portion of the costs (and puts it off until several months into his job) makes me believe she has a fear he may leave her if she asks him to pay. I also wondered why he didn't work a p/t job while in school either to help contribute. But I'm not trying to be judgy, just voicing what would be my own personal concerns and expectations of a live-in BF I was supporting.

[wtjbatman]

I also live in NJ and was in a similar situation.

My SO and I have been together for 5 years. Around our 2nd year, he lost his job. He was on unemployment for almost a year before getting his job back. During his unemployment, I paid for everything. As soon as he got his job back, I required him to pay half of rent and utilities even though what he made a year was half of what I make.

Until we are married, he will continue to pay half of living expenses. The only thing I don't make him pay half of is groceries unless he buys ridiculous stuff.

"Required him"
"He will continue"
"Only thing I don't make him pay"

You sound like a fun person to date.

[dragoncar]

Keep in mind that you supported him like a wife for the past year, and in another year would be considered common law married...

I think wife "spouse" is the word you were looking for there.

Nope wife is it!  I have been the single wage earner for the past 11 years, due to 5 yrs of school for him (sound familar?) and then a back injury. So this sounds like a wife discription to me.  My hubby started part time a few months ago, which is a relief.  He was also SAH parent.  It is actually really common for wives to put their husbands through school... Almost a 1980's TV cliche, really.

So if a man supports his spouse as a single wage earner while she goes to school full time then he is...a wife? And doing a "wifely" duty? I'll go with "spouse" on this one myself since, old gender role stereotypes aside, I know many men who are single working wage earners who financially support their wives while they go to school full time.

Uh, this is a mere linguistic misunderstanding.  OP is currently girlfriend, but she's acting like a wife in her support of the guy.  I.e., OP is supporting the guy "like [she is] a wife."  I believe that's what goldielocks is saying.

[darkadams00]

Living together with no pre-aranged agreement for splitting finances or defined legal protections (ie....marital laws) is like starting a cupcake business or social media business with your college buddies and expecting it all to go well and fairly for everyone.   These have ended badly for others.   You've already lived together as spouses,  with one of you supporting the other.   

The quotes in the "charge" part of the title sounds like you want to tell your BF what to pay you but don't want to be the bad person in having to tell him. I don't "charge" or "pay" my spouse for anything. We're married. We don't always agree, but we have a foundation that at least puts us in the right frame of reference for our discussions on any topic. That keeps our relationship front and center and pushes everything else to the rear. Over the years, I've financially supported her 100% while she was in school and/or without a job, and she has financially supported me 100% while I was in school and/or without a job (we've been married quite a while). Also, if you had a short-term plan to get married in the very near future, I don't think this would be a question either because you would be more vested in your relationship at that point as well. This question only arises because there is not an agreed upon future that you trust as the foundation of your relationship. As a result, you're trying to wear your "girlfriend" hat at the same time as the "landlord" hat. I doubt that's an appealing selfie you would post on Facebook.

[Spartana]

Keep in mind that you supported him like a wife for the past year, and in another year would be considered common law married...

I think wife "spouse" is the word you were looking for there.

Nope wife is it!  I have been the single wage earner for the past 11 years, due to 5 yrs of school for him (sound familar?) and then a back injury. So this sounds like a wife discription to me.  My hubby started part time a few months ago, which is a relief.  He was also SAH parent.  It is actually really common for wives to put their husbands through school... Almost a 1980's TV cliche, really.

So if a man supports his spouse as a single wage earner while she goes to school full time then he is...a wife? And doing a "wifely" duty? I'll go with "spouse" on this one myself since, old gender role stereotypes aside, I know many men who are single working wage earners who financially support their wives while they go to school full time.

Uh, this is a mere linguistic misunderstanding.  OP is currently girlfriend, but she's acting like a wife in her support of the guy.  I.e., OP is supporting the guy "like [she is] a wife."  I believe that's what goldielocks is saying.

You may be right. I was just going by when Goldielocks said "no" to the use of gender-neutral word "spouse" when posed as an alternate to "wife". Sheclaimed it should be "wife" rather than "spouse". But doesn't matter really. No biggie.

[dragoncar]

Keep in mind that you supported him like a wife for the past year, and in another year would be considered common law married...

I think wife "spouse" is the word you were looking for there.

Nope wife is it!  I have been the single wage earner for the past 11 years, due to 5 yrs of school for him (sound familar?) and then a back injury. So this sounds like a wife discription to me.  My hubby started part time a few months ago, which is a relief.  He was also SAH parent.  It is actually really common for wives to put their husbands through school... Almost a 1980's TV cliche, really.

So if a man supports his spouse as a single wage earner while she goes to school full time then he is...a wife? And doing a "wifely" duty? I'll go with "spouse" on this one myself since, old gender role stereotypes aside, I know many men who are single working wage earners who financially support their wives while they go to school full time.

Uh, this is a mere linguistic misunderstanding.  OP is currently girlfriend, but she's acting like a wife in her support of the guy.  I.e., OP is supporting the guy "like [she is] a wife."  I believe that's what goldielocks is saying.

You may be right. I was just going by when Goldielocks said "no" to the use of gender-neutral word "spouse" when posed as an alternate to "wife". Sheclaimed it should be "wife" rather than "spouse". But doesn't matter really. No biggie.

So you object to calling female spouses "wives"?  I guess that's a completely different can of worms. 

[Spartana]

Keep in mind that you supported him like a wife for the past year, and in another year would be considered common law married...

I think wife "spouse" is the word you were looking for there.

Nope wife is it!  I have been the single wage earner for the past 11 years, due to 5 yrs of school for him (sound familar?) and then a back injury. So this sounds like a wife discription to me.  My hubby started part time a few months ago, which is a relief.  He was also SAH parent.  It is actually really common for wives to put their husbands through school... Almost a 1980's TV cliche, really.

So if a man supports his spouse as a single wage earner while she goes to school full time then he is...a wife? And doing a "wifely" duty? I'll go with "spouse" on this one myself since, old gender role stereotypes aside, I know many men who are single working wage earners who financially support their wives while they go to school full time.

Uh, this is a mere linguistic misunderstanding.  OP is currently girlfriend, but she's acting like a wife in her support of the guy.  I.e., OP is supporting the guy "like [she is] a wife."  I believe that's what goldielocks is saying.

You may be right. I was just going by when Goldielocks said "no" to the use of gender-neutral word "spouse" when posed as an alternate to "wife". Sheclaimed it should be "wife" rather than "spouse". But doesn't matter really. No biggie.

So you object to calling female spouses "wives"?  I guess that's a completely different can of worms.

No - and that's not what I said either.

[dragoncar]

Keep in mind that you supported him like a wife for the past year, and in another year would be considered common law married...

I think wife "spouse" is the word you were looking for there.

Nope wife is it!  I have been the single wage earner for the past 11 years, due to 5 yrs of school for him (sound familar?) and then a back injury. So this sounds like a wife discription to me.  My hubby started part time a few months ago, which is a relief.  He was also SAH parent.  It is actually really common for wives to put their husbands through school... Almost a 1980's TV cliche, really.

So if a man supports his spouse as a single wage earner while she goes to school full time then he is...a wife? And doing a "wifely" duty? I'll go with "spouse" on this one myself since, old gender role stereotypes aside, I know many men who are single working wage earners who financially support their wives while they go to school full time.

Uh, this is a mere linguistic misunderstanding.  OP is currently girlfriend, but she's acting like a wife in her support of the guy.  I.e., OP is supporting the guy "like [she is] a wife."  I believe that's what goldielocks is saying.

You may be right. I was just going by when Goldielocks said "no" to the use of gender-neutral word "spouse" when posed as an alternate to "wife". Sheclaimed it should be "wife" rather than "spouse". But doesn't matter really. No biggie.

So you object to calling female spouses "wives"?  I guess that's a completely different can of worms.

No - and that's not what I said either.

I'm not sure what your point is then.  If I say "Jill is bob's wife" and someone goes "you mean spouse!" I would also say no, probably more emphatically than done so here.

[Spartana]

I'm not sure what your point is then.  If I say "Jill is bob's wife" and someone goes "you mean spouse!" I would also say no, probably more emphatically than done so here.

Like I said, not important, doesn't matter, you are probably right in that I simply misinterpreted Goldielocks meaning. As far as I'm concerned, people should call themselves and their spouses whatever they both want to call themselves. I personally consider them interchangeable but only for myself - don't expect others to do the same and would respect their choice. But to each his own. Sorry to have derail the thread.

[Numbers Man]

I wouldn't even ask for rent. That way he couldn't claim any ownership in the house. How about coming up with expenses that total roughly $1,000 a month. For example, pay $200 to cover some of the utilities and $800 to cover food and going out to eat.

[Goldielocks]

Keep in mind that you supported him like a wife for the past year, and in another year would be considered common law married...

I think wife "spouse" is the word you were looking for there.

Nope wife is it!  I have been the single wage earner for the past 11 years, due to 5 yrs of school for him (sound familar?) and then a back injury. So this sounds like a wife discription to me.  My hubby started part time a few months ago, which is a relief.  He was also SAH parent.  It is actually really common for wives to put their husbands through school... Almost a 1980's TV cliche, really.

So if a man supports his spouse as a single wage earner while she goes to school full time then he is...a wife? And doing a "wifely" duty? I'll go with "spouse" on this one myself since, old gender role stereotypes aside, I know many men who are single working wage earners who financially support their wives while they go to school full time.

Uh, this is a mere linguistic misunderstanding.  OP is currently girlfriend, but she's acting like a wife in her support of the guy.  I.e., OP is supporting the guy "like [she is] a wife."  I believe that's what goldielocks is saying.

Thanks..
To be clear... What I intended to say was that... OP is supporting her boyfriend like a wife would support a husband who is going to school, or ill, or is a SAHD, or...?

Many of us think of the stereotype of husband as bread winner, but another cliche is just as common...  Wife supports husband through medical school (grad school), and he leaves her within 3 years of graduating. Or so the movies go...and those are rarely true, but anyway...

OP. I am not saying that will happen to you, but it may be likely that you had your wishful thinking blinders on when he moved in and you did not discuss. If he has no interest in shared home equity, why?  Is this a passion for never merging finances, like some long term couples here, or no long term vision?   How much each spends in the next year is minor compared to those questions.

 I have a pet peeve about people moving in together without a declared intention of long term commitment, so saw this thread as an opportunity to throw some ideas around.  That is my bias, not the OP's

[Goldielocks]

Keep in mind that you supported him like a wife for the past year, and in another year would be considered common law married...

I think wife "spouse" is the word you were looking for there.

Nope wife is it!  I have been the single wage earner for the past 11 years, due to 5 yrs of school for him (sound familar?) and then a back injury. So this sounds like a wife discription to me.  My hubby started part time a few months ago, which is a relief.  He was also SAH parent.  It is actually really common for wives to put their husbands through school... Almost a 1980's TV cliche, really.

So if a man supports his spouse as a single wage earner while she goes to school full time then he is...a wife? And doing a "wifely" duty? I'll go with "spouse" on this one myself since, old gender role stereotypes aside, I know many men who are single working wage earners who financially support their wives while they go to school full time.

No gender bias intended, I used wife as opposed to girlfriend simply because the poster is female.   If the poster were male, husband works very well too.

My point is about the nature of the relationship is beyond BF/GF....  as living and money arrangements were not discussed with terms, originally, she took on responsibility at a higher relationship level.

[hybrid]

Good lord, when it doubt, keep it simple. Half of mortgage and utilities and no questions asked. If he doesn't want to pay that it speaks volumes.

What you make is irrelevant, what he makes in relation to that is also irrelevant. How much equity (or lack thereof) you have in the house is irrelevant. You are sharing a home together, so share the expenses together. The fact that you make more shouldn't enter the equation since he is now in a position to pay half the costs comfortably. You did him a big favor supporting him for nine months but now he no longer requires your generosity, so that spigot should be shut off immediately.

My daughter rents our rental townhouse (at a significantly discounted rate) and her boyfriend paid half of everything knowing full well that if her parents got hit by a bus she would inherit the property. Boyfriend has since moved out (more like kicked out, but I digress!). When the next person moves in, whether it be roommate or significant other, why would this change anything? That person will be expected to pay half. People, including your boyfriend, should carry their load when they are able.

Regarding home repairs, I think you get to own that one. It is your house, and he isn't making the paint or the water heater age any faster. And he also may not be there in two years. Less if he doesn't want to pay his due.

[Paul der Krake]

I personally think that splitting rent in regards to income is flawed for a couple. Except maybe in the event of living in a much larger or more expensive dwelling that he wouldn't be living in otherwise- like if OP owned a Manhattan penthouse that could normally fetch $4,000 rent from a roommate. Start negociating and all of a sudden everything is up for discussion, "you eat so much more than me", "i barely use the internet whereas you download lots", "if only you didn't use the AC all the time".

My SO and I cut everything (not that there is much in the first place, and we're renters) in half by alternating bills and it makes things so much easier. Sure, some months she "gets more" out of the arrangement than I do, and some months I "get more", but whatever. It's close enough to a wash and that's not worth arguing over anyway. However you are effectively his landlord that he happens to see naked every now and then, not his roommate.

In other words, another vote for "this is what I consider a fair rent, now that you're back on your feet it's not really up for discussion", and you can still split everything else in the middle.

[farmstache]

I personally think that splitting rent in regards to income is flawed for a couple. Except maybe in the event of living in a much larger or more expensive dwelling that he wouldn't be living in otherwise- like if OP owned a Manhattan penthouse that could normally fetch $4,000 rent from a roommate. Start negociating and all of a sudden everything is up for discussion, "you eat so much more than me", "i barely use the internet whereas you download lots", "if only you didn't use the AC all the time".

My SO and I cut everything (not that there is much in the first place, and we're renters) in half by alternating bills and it makes things so much easier. Sure, some months she "gets more" out of the arrangement than I do, and some months I "get more", but whatever. It's close enough to a wash and that's not worth arguing over anyway. However you are effectively his landlord that he happens to see naked every now and then, not his roommate.

In other words, another vote for "this is what I consider a fair rent, now that you're back on your feet it's not really up for discussion", and you can still split everything else in the middle.

Do you know why we do the income % thing?

Because historically women earn less than men over a lifetime (kids, leaves, lack of promotion due to lack of availability or simply for being women, less negotiation skills, etc), and we didn't think it was fair to share 50-50. As a plus, if DH gets a lower-income job, it's still fair for both of us. We do none of that "proportional to use" charges. We do it proportional to income, so everyone gets the chance to save proportionally the same in regards to their income. We tweak use according to our needs and wants, with communication and understanding (most times), but the money in the joint pool is still the same.

However, we did the % agreement while both of us had an approximately similar income. We agreed to revisit this in case one of us ended up with a much higher or much lower income than the other. Right now when my income is ridiculous, we're setting to 100%, minus $100 for personal expenses each. This means he puts his whole paycheck and I put 100% of whatever freelance work comes my way. We can choose to spend or save the $100, but it's on our personal accounts.

[Spartana]

Keep in mind that you supported him like a wife for the past year, and in another year would be considered common law married...

I think wife "spouse" is the word you were looking for there.

Nope wife is it!  I have been the single wage earner for the past 11 years, due to 5 yrs of school for him (sound familar?) and then a back injury. So this sounds like a wife discription to me.  My hubby started part time a few months ago, which is a relief.  He was also SAH parent.  It is actually really common for wives to put their husbands through school... Almost a 1980's TV cliche, really.

So if a man supports his spouse as a single wage earner while she goes to school full time then he is...a wife? And doing a "wifely" duty? I'll go with "spouse" on this one myself since, old gender role stereotypes aside, I know many men who are single working wage earners who financially support their wives while they go to school full time.

No gender bias intended, I used wife as opposed to girlfriend simply because the poster is female.   If the poster were male, husband works very well too.

My point is about the nature of the relationship is beyond BF/GF....  as living and money arrangements were not discussed with terms, originally, she took on responsibility at a higher relationship level.

I understand now - I apologize for my comment. I initially thought you meant that a wife is the only one who will work full time while putting  her husband thru school, but that the reverse never happens (hubby supports wife while she goes to school). Sort of, as you said, like the old cliché. That's why I (and Shuffler) said "spouse" rather then "wife" because both of them do that in reality. My comment never had anything to do with the use of term wife or spouse, but just what I took as an implied duty of one person (wife) that isn't done by another person (husband). Anyways, I get it now - Doh :-)! 

[Paul der Krake]

Farmstache, that's a great argument. It doesn't make much sense to me to think in terms of his/her savings for a married couple, but that's clearly something that people have very different opinions about (there's a new thread on joint accounts every couple weeks), so I can understand that.

[farmstache]

Farmstache, that's a great argument. It doesn't make much sense to me to think in terms of his/her savings for a married couple, but that's clearly something that people have very different opinions about (there's a new thread on joint accounts every couple weeks), so I can understand that.

Yes, I understand. We are a very realistic, down-to-earth, skeptical couple. We don't see anything that will bring us apart in the horizon, but we also know that 50% of marriages end in divorce. We treat our finances as one thing, but one thing that sits in 3 separate bundles.

Also, if it doesn't make sense to treat it in terms of his/her, why are you guys splitting bills? Why not bundle everything up together? You are in fact separating in terms of his/her savings without maybe noticing it. If you break up tomorrow, do each of you go away with what's in your personal accounts, or will you split it 50/50 regardless of where it was sitting?

[Paul der Krake]

Also, if it doesn't make sense to treat it in terms of his/her, why are you guys splitting bills? Why not bundle everything up together? You are in fact separating in terms of his/her savings without maybe noticing it. If you break up tomorrow, do each of you go away with what's in your personal accounts, or will you split it 50/50 regardless of where it was sitting?

We don't pool anything today because we are not yet married, and neither of us is comfortable joining finances until we are. If we break up tomorrow, each of us walks with our things, no harm done. We're both young with promising careers and already financially way ahead of our peers. When we eventually marry, however, everything will go into one big pot, aside from retirement accounts legally tied to one person (401Ks, IRAs, etc.). Should we divorce, say 10 years down the line, well let's just say that I expect us to be so comfortable financially that neither of us will care if 50% of our net worth goes away overnight, regardless of who earned it.

That's the plan, anyway. Hope I didn't jinx it.

[Dollarbill49]

Until he's your fiance, get whatever you decide in writing.

[wtjbatman]

50% of marriages may end in divorce, but 100% of people who are or have been married will die at some point in their life.

Say no to marriage, and live forever.

[dragoncar]

I personally think that splitting rent in regards to income is flawed for a couple. Except maybe in the event of living in a much larger or more expensive dwelling that he wouldn't be living in otherwise- like if OP owned a Manhattan penthouse that could normally fetch $4,000 rent from a roommate. Start negociating and all of a sudden everything is up for discussion, "you eat so much more than me", "i barely use the internet whereas you download lots", "if only you didn't use the AC all the time".

My SO and I cut everything (not that there is much in the first place, and we're renters) in half by alternating bills and it makes things so much easier. Sure, some months she "gets more" out of the arrangement than I do, and some months I "get more", but whatever. It's close enough to a wash and that's not worth arguing over anyway. However you are effectively his landlord that he happens to see naked every now and then, not his roommate.

In other words, another vote for "this is what I consider a fair rent, now that you're back on your feet it's not really up for discussion", and you can still split everything else in the middle.

Do you know why we do the income % thing?

Because historically women earn less than men over a lifetime (kids, leaves, lack of promotion due to lack of availability or simply for being women, less negotiation skills, etc), and we didn't think it was fair to share 50-50. As a plus, if DH gets a lower-income job, it's still fair for both of us. We do none of that "proportional to use" charges. We do it proportional to income, so everyone gets the chance to save proportionally the same in regards to their income. We tweak use according to our needs and wants, with communication and understanding (most times), but the money in the joint pool is still the same.

However, we did the % agreement while both of us had an approximately similar income. We agreed to revisit this in case one of us ended up with a much higher or much lower income than the other. Right now when my income is ridiculous, we're setting to 100%, minus $100 for personal expenses each. This means he puts his whole paycheck and I put 100% of whatever freelance work comes my way. We can choose to spend or save the $100, but it's on our personal accounts.

This will work very well for me when I retire with maybe $10k in "income" and my wife pays for >90% of expenses.

[cbgg]

I would determine a rent based on fair market rates in your area, not to exceed 50% of your total housing costs.  If rents in your area are usually lower than mortgage + tax (as they are in my area) then I don't think you should charge the full 50%.  Get a sense of rent by looking around at rental houses on Craigslist.

[farmstache]

We don't pool anything today because we are not yet married, and neither of us is comfortable joining finances until we are. If we break up tomorrow, each of us walks with our things, no harm done. We're both young with promising careers and already financially way ahead of our peers. When we eventually marry, however, everything will go into one big pot, aside from retirement accounts legally tied to one person (401Ks, IRAs, etc.). Should we divorce, say 10 years down the line, well let's just say that I expect us to be so comfortable financially that neither of us will care if 50% of our net worth goes away overnight, regardless of who earned it.

That's the plan, anyway. Hope I didn't jinx it.

Seems like a good plan as any. :) Good luck!

This will work very well for me when I retire with maybe $10k in "income" and my wife pays for >90% of expenses.

Not sure if trolling, but I'll answer anyway: yes, it can go quite well. Since I'm currently out of a job, this is exactly what we're doing. If we talked and agreed I could stop looking for a stable job and just do freelance for 10k a year, then, well, we'd be working this out. If he thought I should look for something better while I just wanted to stay home scratching my ass, then we'd probably talk this over, he'd ask me why is it so important to scratch my ass, I'd say it makes me happy, he'd try to get me to go to the doctor, and when I refused we might argue and eventually end things, unless he understood the importance of ass scratching at his cost.

We're a couple, and we try not to make one-sided decisions.

[Latwell]

I also live in NJ and was in a similar situation.

My SO and I have been together for 5 years. Around our 2nd year, he lost his job. He was on unemployment for almost a year before getting his job back. During his unemployment, I paid for everything. As soon as he got his job back, I required him to pay half of rent and utilities even though what he made a year was half of what I make.

Until we are married, he will continue to pay half of living expenses. The only thing I don't make him pay half of is groceries unless he buys ridiculous stuff.

"Required him"
"He will continue"
"Only thing I don't make him pay"

You sound like a fun person to date.

Haha. I sound harsh, but I was screwed over by my ex and then my current SO isn't very good with money so we've made sure to make things clear so that we don't end up fighting about these topics in the future.