How much to "charge" live-in boyfriend?

[tepster]

I'll be quick about it. My boyfriend needed a career change and quit his job to move to my state (just 90 miles away) and into my home. Therefore, he had been jobless and going to school for 9 months. I asked for no money during that time, not even groceries, which is why we never previously discussed shared finances. Last month he found a good-paying job ($20+/hr). Next month I will bring up the subject about his financial share.

What is fair to ask of him? The facts: He does not want equity in my house ($1500 monthly mortgage). Utilities are a sparse $450 per month. I make $85k+. He was previously paying $900 total rent/utilities. I live in NJ, very high cost of living. Apartments here do not go for under $1k/month.

Do I suggest a proportion of total monthly household costs (say, 33% and 66%?) His previous rent? Half his previous rent? Half of utilities?

Thank you in advance!

[Zamboni]

Half of your housing cost (included mortgage, taxes, insurance, and utilities.)  That runs about the same as his previous rent, which I assume didn't include utilities, so it is fair and he should pull his own weight now that he is working. 

The "equity" issue is irrelevant.  If you stay together, then he will possibility eventually gain the equity through marriage.  If you don't stay together long term, well then he should be paying you fair rent to cover his share of the household expenses.  Grocery costs should be considered separately.

[matchewed]

An equal share. You two are going to be sharing the same living space and using the same utilities (wtf $450 is sparse?). Unless he is somehow not using all the same stuff you are then he should pay the same amount.

[YoungInvestor]

Basically, I'd go half of utilities, property taxes, and all costs OTHER than equity payments and half of the interest on the mortgage. And then, add how much profit you personally want to make from this situation.

Another way to do it would be to split at a pro-rata of your net income. This is how I would do it if I stayed with a girlfriend who earned less than me.

And then there's the good old 50/50. Which would make you a profit. Doesn't seem completely fair as you are building equity. But you would have a right to do that.

[KBecks2]

Maybe he should get his own apartment and tell you guys are ready to get married

[zataks]

I live with my GF in the condo she owns.  We split groceries and utilities and eating out pretty much 50/50.  I use Mint, she keeps more of a written log but neither of us are too strict about it.  More like "my turn, your turn" sort of thing.  I ask her how much utilities were and add them to the rent each month.  I paid for a hotel room for a couple nights coming up, she told me knock her half off this month's rent.  We split the house work evenly too.

The only thing that isn't split evenly is the rent itself.  As a homeowner already, I don't care to have any stake in this mortgage.  If/when we get married, as was mentioned, I'll benefit but no matter where I live, I pay rent so I suggested what I thought was most fair.
Mortgage+HOA is about $3000/month.  She makes 60% of our combined income so I suggested I pay her 40% of the mortgage as rent.  $1200 is $100 less than the apartment I lived in by myself so we both agreed that was a good price.  And I'm willing to adjust up or down as wages go up/down.

In your situation I think it's unfair to ask $1k for rent from him as it's a shared housing situation (and he makes less!).  But up to $750 would be reasonable in my book.  But given your income situation, which sounds like the same percentage from each partner as my situation, $600 for him plus have of utilities and groceries should be fair. 
Someone pointed out in a similar thread a way of thinking that made it really simple for me.  Split it by hours worked.  If you make $30/hour and he makes $20/hour you each have to work 30 hours to pay your share of the rent if you split $900/$600.  If you ask him to pay $750, that's only 25 hours of work for you but 30 hours of work for him. **

Hope it helps.

**just making up numbers obviously and not accounting for taxes, benefits, retirement accounts, etcetcetc.  But you get the idea.

[dragoncar]

An equal share. You two are going to be sharing the same living space and using the same utilities (wtf $450 is sparse?). Unless he is somehow not using all the same stuff you are then he should pay the same amount.

Was hoping 450 was a typo.  I'd just charge him market rent for a br in a house, whatever that is

[rmendpara]

I'll be quick about it. My boyfriend needed a career change and quit his job to move to my state (just 90 miles away) and into my home. Therefore, he had been jobless and going to school for 9 months. I asked for no money during that time, not even groceries, which is why we never previously discussed shared finances. Last month he found a good-paying job ($20+/hr). Next month I will bring up the subject about his financial share.

What is fair to ask of him? The facts: He does not want equity in my house ($1500 monthly mortgage). Utilities are a sparse $450 per month. I make $85k+. He was previously paying $900 total rent/utilities. I live in NJ, very high cost of living. Apartments here do not go for under $1k/month.

Do I suggest a proportion of total monthly household costs (say, 33% and 66%?) His previous rent? Half his previous rent? Half of utilities?

Thank you in advance!

You are an awesome gf. $85k? No wonder he's into you!

Jokes aside...

It sounds like you don't "need" the money, but it obviously doesn't make any sense for you to pay for all the expenses yourself.

How much would a comparable place to what you own cost to rent? I think half of that is a fair range (you can knock off a bit if you want given he makes 60% of what you do. Assuming you could rent a place for around $1,500... rent of $750 seems fair... and is also less than he was paying before. Then split utilities and other living costs.

[bugbaby]

I don't think it's completely fair to charge by 'what he used to pay' or ' what he'd pay in another apt' .... After all he already lived 9 months free with you, where else would he get that?  I think its most fair to charge 1/2 of what you pay i.e $1000.  Charging less would only make sense if you were married coz the whole pot is really joint anyway.  Also if there's relationship problems I'd feel resentful if I were subsidizing a dude etc... Just my take .

[RFAAOATB]

What do you plan on doing with the extra money?

Considering a boyfriend is never guaranteed and you are well off enough to support him for the previous period, I recommend taking that extra money on top of the $1500 mortgage payment you have to make.  While you could make more through increasing investments, the thought of boyfriend going away at any time would make the stopping of this money source less of a loss to bear with the increased equity to hold on to.

[Zamboni]

^This.  You helped him get back on his feet when he was unemployed.  Now he should pay his share.  No more subsidy.  You wouldn't do the "I make more so I'll pay more" deal with any other roommate, would you?  If it makes you feel better by doing it that way, then go ahead, but don't let your judgement be clouded and don't let "guilt" about being the higher wage earner cause you to feel obligated to pay more if he is perfectly capable of paying half with still plenty of money left over. 

$450 is crazy high for utilities, just in case you haven't figured that out from other comments.  If some of that is cable or sat. TV (which is the only way I can see if being so much), then wtf do you have that for?

[tepster]

Thanks to everyone so far! This is really helpful to think about. I *thought* $450 was sparse compared to my friends and family, but I guess I am wrong! I estimated monthly:

$50-70 water/sewer
$100 natural gas (peaks in winter, low in summer)
$100 electric (peaks in summer, low in winter)
$100 TV/internet
$30 security system, which pays itself through homeowner's insurance discount

I will use the extra money to pay off student loans.

It's not easy being the female breadwinner. When I warned him the conversation was coming, he made the comment: "I have a feeling you're going to ask for some crazy high amount since I lived here free all this time..." It makes me very nervous to discuss this, like I'm asking for his right arm and part of his left. These comments helped bolster my confidence, thanks!

[Spartana]

An equal share. You two are going to be sharing the same living space and using the same utilities (wtf $450 is sparse?).  Unless he is somehow not using all the same stuff you are then he should pay the same amount.

I'd split it all 50/50  assuming you are both splitting the chores, utilities and food equally. If you aren't comfortable asking for that much, charge him what he'd pay for a place by himself and 1/2 of the utilities (and everything else) you both share and use. 

I'm also in the "your utilities seem crazy high" camp but I guess it's all relative. I live where it's temperate so low cost. Electric and gas around $15 - $30/month each at most.

[bikebum]

I think it's good to look at 2 numbers arrived at from either side, a combo of what others are saying. One number is what it would cost him to live somewhere else similar to your place. This part can be tricky because you don't know if he would rent his own apartment, have roommates, move in with his parents, ... The other number is which of your expenses seems fair for him to pitch in on, say half of everything except the payment to principal (the principal becomes an asset for you). Hopefully those 2 numbers are close, even if they aren't it can still be helpful.

[Goldielocks]

Maybe he should get his own apartment and tell you guys are ready to get married

If you lived in Canada, FYI, the law would automatically assume you were "equivalent to married" e.g., common law, after 2 yrs... and many of the legal marriage (separation rights) would then apply.  There is a reason for this!

Keep in mind that you supported him like a wife for the past year, and in another year would be considered common law married... so maybe make financial plans with him that reflect the long term relationship?  He is not just a room mate....  and if he is not thinking long term, well, that is a whole other "sucka" problem you have.   

Many financial bloggers recommend each spouse contributing an equal share to the relationship.   IF you were married, your student debt would be his and vice versa, so go ahead --  add in all your debt repayment schedule to the mix of household expenses, then divy it up at 85k/125K 68% for you, and 40k/125K  32% for him.  (assuming $20/hr is roughly 40k per year)

Oh yeah,  look to see when you can claim the "married filing jointly" tax return and see if that helps you too!

[matchewed]

Thanks to everyone so far! This is really helpful to think about. I *thought* $450 was sparse compared to my friends and family, but I guess I am wrong! I estimated monthly:

$50-70 water/sewer
$100 natural gas (peaks in winter, low in summer)
$100 electric (peaks in summer, low in winter)
$100 TV/internet
$30 security system, which pays itself through homeowner's insurance discount

I will use the extra money to pay off student loans.

It's not easy being the female breadwinner. When I warned him the conversation was coming, he made the comment: "I have a feeling you're going to ask for some crazy high amount since I lived here free all this time..." It makes me very nervous to discuss this, like I'm asking for his right arm and part of his left. These comments helped bolster my confidence, thanks!

Estimation at peaks is where you fall short. Much easier to do an average. Also >:( at the TV/internet. Hulu and Netflix plus internet would get you most of what you're looking for in digital entertainment. Just a standard Mustachian suggestion.

[Chrissy]

General Mills doesn't charge you more for cereal 'cause you earn more, so I'm not sure why you're thinking about dividing the rent according to income.  That's something married for the married-folk.

I assume you're not going to charge him back-rent for the time he was in school?  If that's the case, then he's already gotten a HUGE discount on rent from you ($8,100 he would've paid at his previous apartment), and you've made a big investment in his future, so the fact that you're gaining equity is really a non-issue.

What's the difference between half the rent on a 2BR apartment in the area and half your mortgage?  I'm curious.

As RFAAOATB, Zamboni, and Spartana have said, charge him HALF.  Half rent or mortgage + half the utilities. 

[Jags4186]

I would charge him market rate for an apartment in your area, split all utilities evenly, and do your best to split evenly when it comes to groceries (I'm sure he eats more than you do).  This probably means you're going to charge him more than half your monthly housing expenses.

I'm a proponent of proportional pay based on income if you two are renting an apartment/house together but the fact is you own the house and I doubt your BF is reaching into his pocket if the dishwasher goes or the roof leaks.  If all goes well and you two marry it should make no difference to him what he paid and if you two split you don't get stuck holding the bag.  Protect yourself.

Also RE: her utilities, as a fellow NJer, I will defend her on the cable bill.  Most cable companies charge $60+ for stand alone internet and verizon has been shutting down their copper lines every chance they get.  Really not saving much having $100 bundled cable vs internet + hulu + netflix.

[sobezen]

Charge at least half of the utilities, food, internet and mortgage.  I wonder if you are beginning to feel taken advantage of by his lack of initiation?  He has a sweet deal knowing you took care of him all this time.  This makes me wonder what are his financial values?  Do you mind sharing more?  Also during the time he was unemployed how did he help out and pull his weight?

[bugbaby]

besides, in many cases the 'equity' gain is more than offset by repairs, and risk of market dip or job loss that would land squarely on *your* shoulders

[Joel]

It's probably worth putting the ball in his court and asking him what he feels he should be paying? It sounds like he probably feels guilty for not paying the first 9 months.

[Thedudeabides]

It's probably worth putting the ball in his court and asking him what he feels he should be paying? It sounds like he probably feels guilty for not paying the first 9 months.

+1 to this. I was in a very similar situation recently. My DG and I went over all expenses. After reviewing all expenses I asked her what a fair division would look like from her perspective. We ultimately settled on something we both thought was fair.

I would recommend setting up some time to talk about it. Depending on personality, it may be helpful to give him some time to review all expenses prior to the conversation so he can have some time to review and have a good understanding of household expenses going in.

I wish you the best of luck. It may not be an easy conversation to initiate, but it will be much better than deferring the conversation or not having it.

[shuffler]

Keep in mind that you supported him like a wife for the past year, and in another year would be considered common law married...

I think wife "spouse" is the word you were looking for there.

[frugaliknowit]

Unlike most of the posts, I think you need to determine fair market value of the house share.  Do this via 50% of rental value or research what home shares/roommates in similar dwellings are asking.  Your mortgage, taxes, and equity are irrelevant.  He needs to start pulling his weight in a fair way.

[former player]

Half of the utilities is a no-brainer.

You have a lot of choices on rent: half the mortgage, half the interest on the mortgage, half market rent, or proportional split of any of these based on income.

I'd calculate each out on a list, then use the useful suggestion of asking the boyfriend what he thinks would be fair, and showing him a list with any of the options which you feel comfortable with.

I do think you need to add in a discussion about the last 8 months too, just to clear the air.  You could say that the free accommodation and utilities was a gift, or perhaps say the rent was a gift but ask for repayment on half the utilities (he won't have a lump sum but could pay all the utilities for the next 8 months, or 3/4 of them for the next 16 months.  (Crikey, it adds up!)

[pipercat]

I suggest $975.  That is splitting things 50/50 and it's only $75 more than what he previously paid.  If his job is now dependable and well paying, as you've indicated, this shouldn't be a problem.  I would also think that a responsible partner would be anxious to even the financial scales a little bit.

[MandyM]

I doubt your BF is reaching into his pocket if the dishwasher goes or the roof leaks. 

This. And the truth is, maybe he shouldn't. Charge him fair rent and when something breaks, you fix it because it is your house.

I do also agree that you should get his input.

[Jags4186]

I doubt your BF is reaching into his pocket if the dishwasher goes or the roof leaks. 

This. And the truth is, maybe he shouldn't. Charge him fair rent and when something breaks, you fix it because it is your house.

I do also agree that you should get his input.

Mandy, I completely agree.  He shouldn't be responsible for fixing things with a house he isn't owning.  But he also should be responsible for paying fair market rent so that OP can afford to fix these things.  I appreciate OP makes more money, but she already has been subsidizing her BF and now that he is gainfully employed he should be paying a fair rent.  If he has an issue I would think there are more things to discuss.

[BPA]

Keep in mind that you supported him like a wife for the past year, and in another year would be considered common law married...

I think wife "spouse" is the word you were looking for there.

+1

Market rent sounds fair to me depending on the relationship.  My brother is my roommate, and I charge him below market rent, but he makes considerably less than I do, and helps out with my son and the pets, so it's a bit of a different situation for us. 

[Chuck]

The agreement with my fiance is similar to what some have suggested:

I make 80k after taxes, she makes 15k after taxes.

The house is mine in the Pre-Nuptual, however I must make all payments for it (which includes principle, insurance, interest, taxes and HOA). This amounts to 20k per year.

That leaves us with after housing, and after tax, incomes of 60k and 15k.

We put all the rest of our bills: Phones, Utilites, Insurance Car taxes, Food, Her College Expenses... into a pile, for which I pay 75% and she pays 25%. In practice, I pay for it and then she reimburses me for 25% after the fact. When we file taxes next year, we will file jointly, and split any return by the same 75/25 margin. Contributions towards our shared IRA will be 75/25 as well.

In exchange we split most common household chores 25/75 towards her.

Personal luxuries are paid for by the person who wants them. Dates and activities are 50/50 split.

This is a very new arangement, and I'm excited to see how it will work out.

[rubybeth]

IF you were married, your student debt would be his and vice versa, so go ahead --  add in all your debt repayment schedule to the mix of household expenses, then divy it up at 85k/125K 68% for you, and 40k/125K  32% for him.  (assuming $20/hr is roughly 40k per year)

I am taking this out of context because that's not how student loan debt works in the US. You take on student loan debt in your own name, and currently, cannot consolidate student loans with your spouse (I know this was previously an option to get student loans into one payment per couple, but it's super messy in the case of a divorce, so it's not allowed anymore via the federal govt. consolidation program--of course you could take on a personal loan to pay off the two separate loans and have a combined payment, but then you give up the rights to forbearance and loan forgiveness options). If you die, as long as you were the only signer on your loan (no co-signers), your student loan dies with you and your spouse isn't responsible. That was the only thing that made me nervous about the debt snowball my DH and I did when we were working to pay off our loans--his were smaller loans and also higher interest, so we paid them first.

[zataks]

I'm going to respectfully disagree with everyone saying that he shouldn't pay/help when things break.  If he were simply a renter/roommate, I would be more inclined to agree.  But since we're talking about a SO, it's in his best interest, and ever more so, the interest of the couple for him to help out and participate in repairs.

GF and I just painted the upstairs of her condo.  I encouraged her to not hire anyone; we could do it no problem.  I didn't have her pay me for it as, 1) it creates a nicer place for both of us; 2)we're in this together; I'm not JUST a renter. 

Sure, she paid for the paint, the brushes, the new carpet.  She bought the washer and dryer.  But the switch failed on a ceiling fan so I bought and replaced that.  The garbage disposal wasn't working when we moved in, I fixed that.  That could have been $150 to a plumber/handyman or me saving (her) us the $150 and getting it done myself in the same amount of time is worth or to me and mutually beneficial.
 I built out our walk-in closet because it is nicer that the garbage the previous resident had in there.  She bought the lumber but I paid for new saw blades and necessary tools and did the work.

Sure, she pays for the bigger, more expensive house things.  And if I were a tenant, I would say she can pay for everything.  But since it's more than just a roommate situation, me helping out helps us both save money and be a team.  As opposed to many of the suggested, "It's just a business transaction" recommendations.  Maybe for many it is; not me.

[CommonCents]

Options:

• Split expenses evenly: Mortgage, insurance, utilities, groceries, etc.
• Split expenses by proportion of income
• Charge him a fair market rent, and split utilities and groceries

You may also choose to give a break the "fair" amount to charge, as he did not choose the house to live in (and might have chosen a cheaper or different place).

I believe 3 is the best option here, because he isn't gaining equity in the house so your mortgage costs are irrelevant.  I would also give him a break on it for the above reason, and because he likely incurred costs moving to you, and because you aren't random roommates and you do make more than him, so trying to meet you at your level of living (standard of living, house choice) may be hard.  If it were me, I'd suggest a 20-30% discount on fair market rent and 50/50 split on utilites going forward.  So $800-700 for rent and $225 for utilities (but it should really be lower...), which is much less than he paid before.

How to handle the conversation:

• Open, as a few posters suggested, by asking him what is fair
• Lay out the expenses (and fair market rent if going that direction)
• Give him a gift: Let him know you do not intend to charge rent for the prior months (going back to demand it retroactively would be unfair imo, to spring it on him when you hadn't discussed it)
• Ask him for a gift: If you want, ask him for a contribution towards the prior 9 months increased utilities due to him staying with you (e.g. water went up, groceries went up, but cable was the same), whatever he thinks is "fair and reasonable".  If he thinks nothing is reasonable, well that probably tells you a lot about him as a person...
• Let him know as the homeowner, you'll shoulder responsibilities for things like plumber visit, broken appliances, new roof, leaking windows, homeowner's insurance, etc.
• Ask him again, now that he knows the costs, what he thinks is fair
• Suggest the amount you think is fair
• Discuss

[rocksinmyhead]

It's not easy being the female breadwinner. When I warned him the conversation was coming, he made the comment: "I have a feeling you're going to ask for some crazy high amount since I lived here free all this time..." It makes me very nervous to discuss this, like I'm asking for his right arm and part of his left. These comments helped bolster my confidence, thanks!

hmm. I am also the female breadwinner in a living-together-but-not-married (but marriage is on the horizon, we have talked about it a lot) relationship. I thought you were going to say it's hard because most men are pretty socialized to think that they need to financially provide for their family/SO and it can be hard to convince them to let you pay for stuff. at least, that's how my BF is. it actually kinda worries me that he seemed to have a tone of "you're asking too much of me"! hopefully it was just out of context and he is actually okay with contributing financially :)

I suggest $975.  That is splitting things 50/50 and it's only $75 more than what he previously paid.  If his job is now dependable and well paying, as you've indicated, this shouldn't be a problem.  I would also think that a responsible partner would be anxious to even the financial scales a little bit.

+1

I doubt your BF is reaching into his pocket if the dishwasher goes or the roof leaks. 

This. And the truth is, maybe he shouldn't. Charge him fair rent and when something breaks, you fix it because it is your house.

I do also agree that you should get his input.

Mandy, I completely agree.  He shouldn't be responsible for fixing things with a house he isn't owning.  But he also should be responsible for paying fair market rent so that OP can afford to fix these things.  I appreciate OP makes more money, but she already has been subsidizing her BF and now that he is gainfully employed he should be paying a fair rent.  If he has an issue I would think there are more things to discuss.

I didn't even think of the maintenance issue but I totally agree with you guys!

I'm going to respectfully disagree with everyone saying that he shouldn't pay/help when things break.  If he were simply a renter/roommate, I would be more inclined to agree.  But since we're talking about a SO, it's in his best interest, and ever more so, the interest of the couple for him to help out and participate in repairs.

GF and I just painted the upstairs of her condo.  I encouraged her to not hire anyone; we could do it no problem.  I didn't have her pay me for it as, 1) it creates a nicer place for both of us; 2)we're in this together; I'm not JUST a renter. 

Sure, she paid for the paint, the brushes, the new carpet.  She bought the washer and dryer.  But the switch failed on a ceiling fan so I bought and replaced that.  The garbage disposal wasn't working when we moved in, I fixed that.  That could have been $150 to a plumber/handyman or me saving (her) us the $150 and getting it done myself in the same amount of time is worth or to me and mutually beneficial.
 I built out our walk-in closet because it is nicer that the garbage the previous resident had in there.  She bought the lumber but I paid for new saw blades and necessary tools and did the work.

Sure, she pays for the bigger, more expensive house things.  And if I were a tenant, I would say she can pay for everything.  But since it's more than just a roommate situation, me helping out helps us both save money and be a team.  As opposed to many of the suggested, "It's just a business transaction" recommendations.  Maybe for many it is; not me.

I guess to me it depends on where you're at in the relationship. if you're basically certain you're going to get married (or just both in it for the long haul, if you don't believe in marriage or something) then what you're describing makes sense. I know my BF and I are going to combine finances eventually when we get married, so I don't stress too much about it. OP sounds like they are maybe not quite to that point yet. but I might be misinterpreting it!

[CommonCents]

I'm going to respectfully disagree with everyone saying that he shouldn't pay/help when things break.  If he were simply a renter/roommate, I would be more inclined to agree.  But since we're talking about a SO, it's in his best interest, and ever more so, the interest of the couple for him to help out and participate in repairs.

GF and I just painted the upstairs of her condo.  I encouraged her to not hire anyone; we could do it no problem.  I didn't have her pay me for it as, 1) it creates a nicer place for both of us; 2)we're in this together; I'm not JUST a renter. 

Sure, she paid for the paint, the brushes, the new carpet.  She bought the washer and dryer.  But the switch failed on a ceiling fan so I bought and replaced that.  The garbage disposal wasn't working when we moved in, I fixed that.  That could have been $150 to a plumber/handyman or me saving (her) us the $150 and getting it done myself in the same amount of time is worth or to me and mutually beneficial.
 I built out our walk-in closet because it is nicer that the garbage the previous resident had in there.  She bought the lumber but I paid for new saw blades and necessary tools and did the work.

Sure, she pays for the bigger, more expensive house things.  And if I were a tenant, I would say she can pay for everything.  But since it's more than just a roommate situation, me helping out helps us both save money and be a team.  As opposed to many of the suggested, "It's just a business transaction" recommendations.  Maybe for many it is; not me.

Zataks, I think many are suggesting that big ticket items are hers, as the homeowner, which it seems like you agree with.  I don't think anyone would disagree that it'd be nice for him to pay for the smaller odds and ends every so often, but it's hard to say that in a finance discussion ("oh, and I'd like it if you surprised me with flowers and the odd small house purchase...").  I never bugged my landlord to change a lightbulb, I just did it myself.  Similarly, you paid for a small part, and tools I expect you'll use again later on (or I hope so, or it was a bad investment into them!).

No one's suggested paying for "sweat equity" that he (or you, in the equivalent situation w/garabage repair or closet build) puts into the place.  That definitely would take it to the business transaction level!  One helps out because it's one's partner and one wants to do so, regardless whether you are living together and benefiting or not.

[zataks]

Is it coincidence that CommonCents recommendation on the conversation sounds like a fantastic, simple plan?  =)

So I shouldn't just pick up flooring when I get take out tonight?  That bit made be laugh! 

I guess I just assume there is a pretty serious level of commitment if OP supported him rent free for, was it 9 months?

[CommonCents]

Is it coincidence that CommonCents recommendation on the conversation sounds like a fantastic, simple plan?  =)

So I shouldn't just pick up flooring when I get take out tonight?  That bit made be laugh! 

I guess I just assume there is a pretty serious level of commitment if OP supported him rent free for, was it 9 months?

Thanks!

Haha, yeah, typo I fixed already before I saw your post :P  But hey, flooring's a great gift for the mustachian partner!

Yes, I agree I assume serious too given her support the past 9 months, but I also see this as a time for *him* to now show *her* that he isn't using her financially.  (The conversation they had already worries me a bit too, that he doesn't seem happy and willing to step up, but rather that she's "making" him pay.)

[neo von retorch]

I'd just be careful not to let "boyfriend" be a big part of the decision making. Obviously there is a "range" of what boyfriend means from "just moved in together" to "we've already named our future children" but in reality, aside from your relationship, this is just a roommate. Someone renting from you and consuming utilities. You don't know what the future will hold.

First step - determine if the free rent in the past was a gift. (Ideally you decided/discussed that up front, but if not, hash that out.) If it isn't, discuss repayment, separate from "rent/utility" going forward.

Second step - figure out what you would want from a roommate for rent and utilities.

It's true that each person tends to give advice based on their own life, and I'm no different. I treated a "girlfriend" much more like a fiance/wife, helped her with debts and cars and being her backup plan for rent when she'd spend too much during the month... but in the end we broke up and all of my "planning for the future" was just a nice debt escape plan for her and a big step back on my own long-term plans.

[4alpacas]

Split the costs in half.  Lay out the utility bills.  Work on lowering them together...

[mm1970]

I'd charge for half of the utilities.

For rent, I'd charge either half of the rent on a house, or the cost to rent a room if he were doing that somewhere else.  Or somewhere in between.

[GuitarStv]

Go with a floating rate dependent upon quality of bedroom activities.

[SpicyMcHaggus]

TLDR;

If you aren't married, you are not sharing the same finances, and thus may not share the same financial goals.
Therefore he should pay just like someone renting. Maybe not half the mortgage, but whatever splitting a similar apartment/house would cost if you were to rent it from craigslist.

ie, here, my GF has a $250k + duplex. I wouldn't pay half her mortgage/utilities if I lived there. I would pay the cost for splitting a 2br Flat.

[Frugal Father]

Options:

• Split expenses evenly: Mortgage, insurance, utilities, groceries, etc.
• Split expenses by proportion of income
• Charge him a fair market rent, and split utilities and groceries

You may also choose to give a break the "fair" amount to charge, as he did not choose the house to live in (and might have chosen a cheaper or different place).

I believe 3 is the best option here, because he isn't gaining equity in the house so your mortgage costs are irrelevant.  I would also give him a break on it for the above reason, and because he likely incurred costs moving to you, and because you aren't random roommates and you do make more than him, so trying to meet you at your level of living (standard of living, house choice) may be hard.  If it were me, I'd suggest a 20-30% discount on fair market rent and 50/50 split on utilites going forward.  So $800-700 for rent and $225 for utilities (but it should really be lower...), which is much less than he paid before.

How to handle the conversation:

• Open, as a few posters suggested, by asking him what is fair
• Lay out the expenses (and fair market rent if going that direction)
• Give him a gift: Let him know you do not intend to charge rent for the prior months (going back to demand it retroactively would be unfair imo, to spring it on him when you hadn't discussed it)
• Ask him for a gift: If you want, ask him for a contribution towards the prior 9 months increased utilities due to him staying with you (e.g. water went up, groceries went up, but cable was the same), whatever he thinks is "fair and reasonable".  If he thinks nothing is reasonable, well that probably tells you a lot about him as a person...
• Let him know as the homeowner, you'll shoulder responsibilities for things like plumber visit, broken appliances, new roof, leaking windows, homeowner's insurance, etc.
• Ask him again, now that he knows the costs, what he thinks is fair
• Suggest the amount you think is fair
• Discuss

+1 to the steps for handling the conversation. Based on what you know and the advice you've received, decide what you think is fair. Discuss with him what he thinks is fair, tell him that you won't be charging him for the 9 free months (this is probably easiest, and should make his view of the final price more reasonable), and then discuss all the related expenses. Come to a final agreement on what a fair price would be.

[tepster]

All great suggestions. I am immensely grateful for the help in recognizing my subsidy of and investment in him.

For the first few months, he wouldn't even let me buy him mouthwash (he was THAT insecure with his financial role, even severely depressed when my sewer pipe broke and he couldn't help with the massive bill). He did put $1500 toward landscaping that was his idea, which I repaid him when he indicated he didn't want equity in the house. Yesterday he asked if I would split the cost of lawn service because he's tired of mowing the lawn (of ALL the bills!!!). I said: I am not comfortable taking on new bills at this time, let's revisit after we arrange our household finances. He was not interested in having that conversation last night and we went to bed in silence. Maybe I tried to discuss too soon after he started working again before he could get back on his feet. Or maybe he got too used to a good thing. Therefore, I appreciate the poster who said don't let BF have TOO much say.

I plan to suggest a slightly discounted market rate rent (I don't think he would have chosen a 2500-sq-ft house as his bachelor pad), and half utilities. I am planning an August 1 start date (his first month on the job was June). I listed my monthly utilities (which average $380 once I looked through historical bills) in a spreadsheet for him and will discuss with him a fair rent. If he can't communicate about that like an adult, well, then I will pick a fee myself and have a bigger conversation with him...

I feel much more headstrong now, thanks! Will report back in August.

[hexdexorex]

Girlfriend and I split rent based on income.

It isn't so easy as this example

Person 1 makes 80k Person 2 makes 40k

Rent is 1200 
Person 1 pays 800 Person 2 pays 400

We break it down on a after tax bases...because Person 1 pays a much higher tax rate overall it ends up being something like.... Person 1 pays 700 Person 2 pays 500

Our other expenses are just split equally. This arrangement is something I am fine with and I would like to see other couples adopt it, unfortunately I know a few couples where the income difference is huge and the rent is just split down the middle.

Our arrangement is also so if either person loses their job his/her contribution will still never fall beneath 30%. This might not be possible if the person you are with has nothing, but we are both great savers so it works in our case. (in our case Person 2 actually has more saved than Person 1 but makes less...so pays less rent.)

[CommonCents]

tepster,

I think you have a good plan, including setting a date in the future for the rent to start (although I might urge you to consider asking him to pay at least half the groceries this month, if not groceries and utilities).  Also good to hold off on incurring new bills until after he's looked at the current ones.  If you don't split chores equally already, perhaps you might offer instead to trade some chores so he's not doing all of the mowing.

Let us know how it goes!

[zataks]

We break it down on a after tax bases...because Person 1 pays a much higher tax rate overall it ends up being something like.... Person 1 pays 700 Person 2 pays 500

We do it the same way too actually.  This allows us to ignore the income that goes to our individual pretax retirement funds when computing cost share.  This ends up benefitting the lower earner (me) a bit more because we put in basically the same dollar amount to deferred comp but that's a bigger percentage of my income.  We still end up pretty close to 60/40 and like round, easy numbers so unless there is a drastic pay change, not much realignment has to be done.

[gimp]

My advice:

Average what everyone said here, and go with that.

Some people said half, some people said salary-based, some people said 60/40... average all of it, and go with that.

[viper155]

You should charge him fair market value. He is getting away with murder.

[hexdexorex]

Also I just noticed the lawn thing. He def shouldn't pick and choose bills he wants to pay for and others he doesn't. Both of you have to agree on hiring a yardman...

I don't know your current arrangement but if your doing 70% and him 30% he should def do the lawn and not complain :)