I'm legit tearing up as I read this thread and I'm so glad this stuff is being discussed. I had, until recently, a family member in my life who is very much suck-it-up, someone else has it worse so what are you complaining about, think about someone else for a change, you're not sick or elderly or being abused or living in poverty so what on earth do you have to get stressed about, etc. I've since cut that person off but I'm having a hard time getting past that mentality.
One example - this weekend I did an art show (my side hustle). I was in a tent all day both days - in the heat and during some truly terrifying storms - and just the physical act of setting up and tearing down is physically very difficult and exhausting. So I decided to take yesterday off at my day job to recover. My "recovery" day ended up being me running a ton of errands that I couldn't do over the weekend - some of which were correcting Boyfriend's errors (I'd asked him to do the grocery shop but he failed to bring home some things I needed and in one case bought the wrong thing), repairing the storm damage in both of my gardens out in the humidity and heat, and then I spent 4 hours canning salsa because my huge pile of garden tomatoes was about to spoil. And I'm wondering why I don't feel rejuvenated?
Meanwhile I'm beating myself up because yesterday I didn't get to the laundry and I didn't spend enough time with the cats and I didn't do much cleaning. My landlord is coming in tomorrow to do a kitchen repair and my kitchen is absolutely disgusting and I'm embarrassed to have him see it like that. So tonight - after staying late at work because in my absence my boss took away all my helpers and put them on another crisis - I get to stay up late scrubbing. As an added bonus, I have a houseguest this weekend who is extremely vocally critical of my housekeeping skills - she's right, I am just not a good cleaner - so the whole rest of the week when I am not at work needs to be spent scrubbing things.
How do you all let go of stuff like this without feeling like a failure? For me it's less about being type A, though I have tendencies in that direction, and more about, isn't this just basic adulting? Managing to get the errands run and clean enough so that your apartment isn't disgusting and you're not repelling your houseguests, while still holding down a job and meeting your financial obligations and saving enough?
Meanwhile, over in my journal I just floated the idea of getting a second job because I'm not able to max out my retirement accounts and still cover bills/normal spending on my current salary plus side hustle earnings. And everyone told me, rightfully so, that that would be batshit insane, echoing what Boyfriend and my therapist told me. It is proving to be HARD to shake the "you're not doing enough" mentality, and part of me feels that I'll never stop feeling burnt out until I'm able to retire, which I can't do because I can't save enough, so I should increase income, round and round we go. Ugh.
Well, that was something of a hijack but I'm glad that we are all talking about this. And that it is not just me.
Tris, my love, I'm tearing up right there with you. I'm sending you a big hug.
Burnout Advice 2: Thinking and reasoning got you where you are. It will not change your course. Drastic inaction is necessary.
You designed your life to be a certain way, you set things out to be on automatic so you could keep going friction-less, day after day, to achieve what you set out. You made various decisions that all fit together like a jigsaw. It's a great thing however it got you to where you are but there are serious downsides to it. Take it from me,
changing a few things will not do it. I've tried it.
You think I didn't go to the doctor before?
You think I didn't take it easy for a while? (I quit my previous job and was unemployed for six months, travelling in the sunshine)
You think I didn't go to the psychiatrist, psychologist and therapist before?
You think I didn't read 7 Habits?
I had to stop everything because very little is actually essential. In my case I couldn't because my body stopped.
You wanna do this? We can do it but we will projectile vomit... you call though.Honey, I give it to you, you can fake you have my symptoms, gastritis is bad enough but common enough. Take it and use, tell everyone you can't do shit because it makes you vomit.
And things become very irrelevant compared to stomach pain and losing a kilo a week (that I didn't have to spare)
Do nothing because it's when you make it that quiet you can then listen to your body complaining, you can hear the alarm bell ringing that you'd previously pushed aside.
I was unwell at work today. But I'd been like that before. But I finally listened, I finally stopped rationalizing it. I know exactly what you mean by "round and round we go". "Am I sick now? I was pretty well yesterday when I went out for dinner... I can't be off now, half the team is on holiday. I just need to eat something. It's because I went to bed late and didn't sleep well, I'll sleep loads tonight and it will be fine. Only I know how to do this at work." Today there was no reasoning with myself, it went "I'm feeling unwell, I really like my work but my health is my actual priority, so I'm going to go take care of it".
Regarding the feeling like a failure. It feels amazing. There are no more goal posts! You can stop running. Seriously, it took me a month and various friends and this forum for me to accept it. Now, I'm a failure! But a failure at what? I'm failing at cleaning my house! I'm failing at dating! I'm failing at exercising! I'm failing at work. So fucking what?
It's a bit like the silver medalist who feels shit because they compare themselves to the gold medalist. We keep these expectations that are far removed from reality. Give up, be a failure, it gives you so much peace of mind.
The houseguest will come, will comment on your performance, you will get annoyed. Ok. Nothing changed in the other. Tough love won't make you better at cleaning.
You don't can the tomatoes and they go bad. Ok. You are in crisis mode, fuck the tomatoes and the investment in them. You will grow and use them beautifully - next year, when you're not a mess.
Cancel the next art show, even if you really love your hobby. Maybe you will wake up that Saturday and be so dammed relieved you won't have to put the display up and then pack it up that it will make you realize how much of a toll it was taking.
I have a note... you might not like it...
Changing your behavior might...bring to light your boyfriend's true colors. Which might be beautiful or nasty. If you give space and silence, you will see them.
My little story since I seem unable to stop typing:
Once upon a time I had a boyfriend (real fit *wink wink*). I had just done my first week at a new job, you can imagine the stress. Had just cycled from one side to another of London on a dark evening, was dead tired. Arrived at his place. He sits me down in front of his laptop and asks me to comment, make a few adjustments on his MBA applications letters. But like, proper, as if I was a professional. I mentioned I was tired, I could look at it at a later stage, I was actually hoping for some dinner. And then I hit me how tremendously selfish he was being. Did I mention he was voluntarily unemployed for months so we could write these letters? That he got £50k from his employer just the week before? Why was he running
me to the ground? What about my long week? I was still employed and studying on top of it!
You can compare it to the gentleman who dumped me a few weeks ago. Oh yes, he dumped me. He could have easily shake me off. But no, he is just as concerned about my health. He spoke to our friends in common and they were extra warm and nice to me so I wouldn't feel left out of the group, I could just feel that my well being was taken into account.