Author Topic: How do you quit?  (Read 8570 times)

Freda

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How do you quit?
« on: April 09, 2013, 02:03:10 PM »
Sorry, self-analysis ahead.

I'm that person who hangs onto an unhealthy relationship for way too long. My current work situation is like that...a 70 mile per day round trip commute, personality conflicts above and below me.  And overall I find myself caring less and less, which is good.  I feel like I'm emotionally separating myself from the situation in preparation for an ending.  But, without the stimulus of a new employer saying "I need you on X date", how do you set a date?  I previously set a date that was based on my subordinate's surgery date, but that surgery has been bumped a couple of times and I'm not willing to stay here for that anymore. 

I may have secured another job, maybe not.  If not, I have a friend I can do research work for.  Also, I officiate weddings so I always wind up making some money.  And I can go back to temping, which I quite enjoy.  Hubby is a wonderful provider.  I won't die of boredom or bankruptcy. So what's the problem?

What's stopping me?

Feeling like a failure for walking away? 
Loss of income I don't really NEED anyway?
Lack of structure in my day to day?
Loyalty to my staff/clients?
Unwillingness to give up my spendy hobbies?
Inability to communicate clearly with my husband about money?  (I'd have to go on an allowance or something.)

I think much of it boils down to ego.  Needing to feel like I didn't fail, needing to see a deposit notice with my name on it, needing to feel important and needed and independent.  It's hard to say "yeah, stop giving me money and some minor validation so I can go home and watch tv".  And it's hard to say "hey babe, I need to you give me an allowance so I can stay home and watch tv while you keep at it".  (Though he is supportive of me leaving this job.)

How did you walk away?

Fletch

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Re: How do you quit?
« Reply #1 on: April 09, 2013, 02:36:09 PM »
How do you not walk away from a job you hate, with no financial reason to stay? Without leaving, how will you gain the mental clarity, motivation, and time to open yourself up to better opportunities?

the fixer

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Re: How do you quit?
« Reply #2 on: April 09, 2013, 03:00:02 PM »
My advice is to concentrate on the other things you want to do. Convince yourself that you can't devote the time they deserve unless you give up the full-time job. Then you're quitting to focus on something else.

AccidentalMiser

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Re: How do you quit?
« Reply #3 on: April 09, 2013, 03:19:47 PM »
Warning, amateur psychoanalysis ahead...

This statement sums up your quandry:

"yeah, stop giving me money and some minor validation so I can go home and watch tv".

Money, validation, tv.  Let's take each in turn:

Money - You don't say how much money, but you did say "above and below" and "loyalty to my staff"; from these, I will assume you aren't a worker bee.  Because of that, I'll assume you are making good scratch.  You also indicate that a) you don't need the money but b) that you would miss it.  Perhaps you need to take a few days and digest "Your Money or Your Life" which has been previously been reviewed by MMM.  That book will help give you some clarity around priorities related to money.

Validation - This (to me) is you saying, "Being paid improves my self-image.  If I stop working, I will no longer be paid.  Therefore, if I stop working, my value as a human being will be somewhat diminished."  In addition, having people depend on you also improves your self-image.  Many people have these feelings.  Sometimes they are caused by your upbringing, sometimes they flow from a strong personal work ethic or a variety of other reasons.  You need to separate in your mind what you do for money and your worth as a person.  You can always quit and see what happens.  If it's too much, you can go find a better company or a different career.

TV - This is a false dichotomy.  You have an infinite variety of choices, not just two: work or watch TV.  I also notice you mention "stay home and watch TV" not once but twice.  You didn't just say "stay home" or "go follow my passion" or "sit on my butt".  You are asking yourself "If I didn't work, what the heck would I do?"  Well, what would you do?  Would you really just watch TV?  If the answer is "yes", then I would advise you to keep working and to change jobs.  If the answer is "I'm not sure" or "I have a real desire to _______." then I would advise you to talk to your husband and make a plan to make the world a better place.  Take some time and really think about what you would really do if your time belonged to you.

Finally, I will end with a couple of other points.  If your husband loves you and you don't need the money, he doesn't want you to be unhappy at work.  Work is important to you and when you're not happy in your work, he's not happy either, even if he wears a brave face.

Also, you need to consider your career moves with the whole picture in mind.  You say your husband is a good provider, but are you debt-free?  Is his view of your family and financial situation compatible with your possible "retirement?"  You really need to be on the same page and lay out what the money picture will look like in five and twenty years if you quit.

I hope this helps.  I won't even charge you a nickle for the advice (it's likely not worth that much anyway). 

Best of luck to you, keep us posted on your decisions!!

The Accidental Miser

spider1204

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Re: How do you quit?
« Reply #4 on: April 09, 2013, 05:07:09 PM »
Starts off a little bit slow, but about 10 minutes in you get to some great stuff about the benefits of being a quitter.  My favorite quote, "Really the more things you quit, the more things you're gonna do, and the more things you do the more potential you have for success".

http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/7/quitting?act=0#play

Spork

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Re: How do you quit?
« Reply #5 on: April 09, 2013, 05:23:14 PM »
I've been there.

I wasn't at ER.  But I was 18 years into a job and -- to be honest, they really didn't need me.  They needed less and less expertise and really just needed someone to man the bilge pumps.  I let it eat at me.  Every day that walk from the car to the back door of the office was "the longest walk."

How did I quit?  I just did it.  I had F-U money.  I walked in and said "I have personal family matters.  I'm giving my 2 weeks notice."

I fretted and worried over it before hand... and it was like pulling off the band-aid.  It wasn't that bad.  There was a little boo-hoo on their part.  There were calls every few days for a while.  And eventually they got over me.  They're fine.  I was fine. 


gooki

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Re: How do you quit?
« Reply #6 on: April 10, 2013, 12:14:05 AM »
I booked four weeks holiday, found a job within a week, handed in my four weeks notice, so only had to work one week at the old job.

mikefixac

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Re: How do you quit?
« Reply #7 on: April 10, 2013, 09:43:46 AM »
If you want to talk to someone about quitting, talk to me.

It's actually quite easy. I do it all the time.

Over 50 jobs, 30 places to live and 3 marriages. I'm working on my second wind.

vern

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Re: How do you quit?
« Reply #8 on: April 10, 2013, 10:00:49 AM »

Tyler

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Re: How do you quit?
« Reply #9 on: April 10, 2013, 11:31:00 AM »
I think much of it boils down to ego.  Needing to feel like I didn't fail, needing to see a deposit notice with my name on it, needing to feel important and needed and independent. 

FWIW, I find that tying yourself to a job you hate and depending on a paycheck for your self-worth are nether signs of success nor of independence. Think bigger!

I once quit a high-paying job with nothing else lined up. I had the same fears you do, and only later came to realize I was over thinking the situation because of stress. The process of decompressing outside of the negative work environment allowed me to identify and land a job that made me much happier.

From the length of your list, it appears to me you're actually looking for an excuse to stay put because you fear the unknown. That's normal. However, if you do nothing you will also achieve nothing.

You quit by first realizing that you can do better, and then taking action. If you have a supportive spouse and the assets to not stress the cash flow, then the only thing standing between you and happiness is your own fear. 

Freda

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Re: How do you quit?
« Reply #10 on: April 22, 2013, 11:59:31 AM »
Thank you all for your input, I appreciate it very much.  I will read/watch your recommendations.  In the interim, I've started working on a business plan for my OWN business.  Maybe it will fly, maybe it won't, but it will at least be MINE.

Also, my notice is all typed up and auto-scheduled to drop in 2 weeks.  Which FREAKS ME OUT. 

OzzieandHarriet

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Re: How do you quit?
« Reply #11 on: April 22, 2013, 12:09:23 PM »
Just joined this forum, and am commenting because I'm sort of in the same boat -- been itching to quit for some time now, but I'm really bummed because I finally looked at all of our actual expenses and it appears it is not possible unless we cut out about $1,000 per month. Which may be doable, but it's going to take some time to work it out and make it consistent enough for me to feel comfortable moving ahead with this. Maybe I should start my own thread.

Freda

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Re: How do you quit?
« Reply #12 on: April 22, 2013, 12:10:37 PM »
I'm right there with ya, Ozzie!  :)

I think the main question, besides working out the dollars and cents, is "what are you going to DO?". 

Freda

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Re: How do you quit?
« Reply #13 on: April 22, 2013, 12:18:26 PM »
snip...
Quote
Money - You don't say how much money, but you did say "above and below" and "loyalty to my staff"; from these, I will assume you aren't a worker bee.  Because of that, I'll assume you are making good scratch. 

Mid/high 30's in a health and human services field.  I'm akin to a regional manager, reporting to the Operations Director and President, and 3 layers of staff below me.  Good position, but wrong field to be making any real money.

snip...

Quote
Also, you need to consider your career moves with the whole picture in mind.  You say your husband is a good provider, but are you debt-free?  Is his view of your family and financial situation compatible with your possible "retirement?"  You really need to be on the same page and lay out what the money picture will look like in five and twenty years if you quit.

He makes six figures.  We are within 3 years of debt free at this point, I believe.  He handles all that.  We are looking at early retirement very realistically.

Edited to add:  I texted him.  He says June 2016 barring any new purchases that aren't cashflowed.
« Last Edit: April 22, 2013, 12:23:07 PM by Freda »

OzzieandHarriet

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Re: How do you quit?
« Reply #14 on: April 22, 2013, 12:30:01 PM »
I know exactly what I want to do. I may even make money at it! I really thought I was all set until I took another hard look at the numbers. We'd have to either cut back spending somewhere (and we live pretty frugally already) and/or cut my husband's contributions to his retirement account drastically, and I don't feel I can ask him to do that. I'm earning a little bit doing my thing (music) on the side right now, but of course that's never dependable.

So I think I need to take a step back from "how do you quit?" to how to sort out the cashflow issue. If I could find a part-time job earning the same rate I am making now, we would be fine and I'd have the time to pursue my other interests. But I'm not there yet, I'm afraid.

Nords

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Re: How do you quit?
« Reply #15 on: April 22, 2013, 07:52:12 PM »
I think the main question, besides working out the dollars and cents, is "what are you going to DO?".
Everybody worries about that before they quit working, but six months afterward they all wonder what the heck they were worried about:
http://the-military-guide.com/2010/09/08/but-but-but-what-will-i-do-all-day/
and
http://bestretirementquotes.blogspot.com/2009/10/get-life-tree-great-retirement-planning.html

Freda

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Re: How do you quit?
« Reply #16 on: April 24, 2013, 02:07:16 PM »
I will say that today, the person I work with is making quitting seem WAY more appealing.  I am not sure whether to choke her to death or thank her.

sigh

totoro

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Re: How do you quit?
« Reply #17 on: April 24, 2013, 02:45:49 PM »
You are going to be fine.  It is scary.  You will probably have an adjustment period where you might not be quite sure what you are doing with your day or your life.

The thing that worked best for me was a post-quitting vision board for me and a written business plan for my business.  Gives you a good feeling to focus on the goal and not the scary in between stage.