How do you make new friends after uni?

[Imma]

I have noticed for a while now my social circle is shrinking. I'm 27, my s/o is in his early 30s and it seems I've drifted away from high school and university friends. But where do you find new friends at this age, when everyone is settled down and focused on their own family? As my fiance works in music, he's usually gone during evenings, weekends and public holidays, so I'm on my own then. I don't mind being alone a lot, I have plenty of things to do at home, but lately I'm starting to feel lonely sometimes. But where do you find new friends?

Backstory: I've never been the kind of person to have 100 friends, but I had a close group of around 10 people around me. I moved away from my hometown 8 years ago and I've gradually lost touch with most people I knew there. I still go there for a weekly sewing circle with 2 friends. We used to meet up outside of that one evening too, but now the others are married with families they prefer to spend their precious spare time with them (which I totally understand, of course). I exchange messenges with a few more friends from my hometown, but we rarely meet up. Last time we met up was in the summer of 16. it seems there's a lack of interest from both sides. A lot of them still live at home and I find it hard to relate to them, and I guess they feel the same about me.

I'm also in touch with several people from my hometown who have also moved away. One is a close friend that I'm in touch with all the time, but we don't often see each other as she lives in a different country now. She's married with two kids and a busy career, so it's usually me who travels 3 hours to see them. She also prefers to meet up on weekdays rather than weekends because she wants to have family time, but it's difficult for me to get time off during the week. A second friend has an awful wife and only wants to meet up with her and my fiance present. As my fiance is away all the time this is difficult to arrange, plus he and friend's wife hate each other so much he tries to avoid this (I dislike her, but politely tolerate her). They're trying to have children and I'm pretty sure this friendship will eventually fade out when they do.

I have another close friend I used to see all the time when she lived close, but we see each other a lot less now she's moved away. We used to meet on weekdays after work, but that's not possible now. She also prefers to spend weekends with her partner. We still spend most holidays together as we both don't really have family to spend them with.

Sadly, I'm not in touch with anyone from university anymore. I was absent due to illness quite a lot and didn't forge close bonds with people. Once we didn't meet each other after classes anymore, the contact faded away. I work for a small company and all the other staff are men my father's age, so I haven't been able to make friends at work. I exercise two nights a week and while everyone I work out with is really nice, there are no potential new friends there. I'm also a volunteer, but again, all my coworkers there are men who could have been my father. My fiance has a lot of friends and they're all nice, but they're bohemian types: they're interested in music, partying, festivals, roadtrips etc. None of them have 9-5 jobs. We both grew up in broken, disfunctional families so we're not close to our families.

How did you guys meet new people at my age?

[Cranky]

Okay, I’ll be honest - it’s hard! You’re at the point where people are having kids and doing things based around that, so I think it does leave a void. Standard advice still applies - meetup groups for whatever you’re interested in (find a new, local sewing group, or board games or butterfly watching or raising cactus!) A different volunteer group with more people in your age range. Church.

We moved across country at that age, and it was hard!

[Imma]

Yeah, I can't even imagine how hard it is to move to a completely different country where you don't know anyone! The standard advice I've had from many people is join a church or have kids, but we're not religious and it's medically unlikely we'll have children.

I'm still trying to find an interesting group with people my age, but it's been difficult. I had expected to meet more people my age. I'm going to join a different (cheaper) gym in spring, maybe that will help.

[Linea_Norway]

I made a good friend by working with her. We both worked as consultants in the same kind of job at the same customer. We totally found each other's tone and like a number of similar activities. This was a natural friend. With other colleagues I haven't been so very close.

I also made a good friend with a person I met at the train station. In our little village we used to be the same group of people standing at the train station. I always said hi to everyone. Some responded normally, others very grumpy. This women eventually started chatting with me and we turned out to have a lot in common.

But in general it is a bit difficult. I have been meeting people I met on internet forums. Even if you seem to have a lot in common, you do not automatically become friends. We have become close to another child-free couple met only on facebook. But now we learned also they have started to have children. We would like to meet more couples without children or with children who have moved out, so that we are more in the same situation. Not easy to find such people at our current age.

[Schaefer Light]

I don't have much to offer, but I wanted to say that I've had the same issue.  Making friends after you're done with school is difficult.  I think it's even more difficult when you're single and reach a certain age.  All of the other people your age are married and most of them have kids. 

I guess my best advice would be to try making friends through a common interest.  Something meaningful like volunteer work might be an ideal place.  This is what I'm currently trying to do.

[Prairie Stash]

How much time are you looking to fill? At various points I've had too few and too many friends. Too many is when you have more commitments than time, or you realize you haven't seen someone in 6 months because you were busy.

You go to the gym, have you said hello to anyone? That's the first step, saying hello and then hope you see each other next week. After a while, you gradually become friends (if the other person is also willing).  If you're athletic, join random rec sports teams, teams are always looking for substitutes in my area. Perhaps you can skip the gym and still get your workouts done.

Personally, I've also invited over neighbours to have drinks. Its great since you can meet up randomly on a Saturday morning while you're both out in the yard and then proceed to waste an hour chatting instead of weeding.

The number one thing though, is you have to initiate contact. Just like dating, it often goes nowhere, but if you're not talking to people is it reasonable to expect people to talk to you?

[Cranky]

Yeah, I can't even imagine how hard it is to move to a completely different country where you don't know anyone! The standard advice I've had from many people is join a church or have kids, but we're not religious and it's medically unlikely we'll have children.

I'm still trying to find an interesting group with people my age, but it's been difficult. I had expected to meet more people my age. I'm going to join a different (cheaper) gym in spring, maybe that will help.

I always suggest that if you aren’t “religious” you look at the UU Church (I was raised a Unitariarian.) They have all the Church things like potlucks and volunteering and music groups, but you can believe anything or nothing. (As is, honestly, true of my current Episcopal Church.)

[GuitarStv]

I've had some luck making friends at shared activity type things . . . going to a martial arts gym, cycling with a group, etc.  Short of that though, it is kinda hard.  There's a typical path that is usually taken when you leave university - find an exclusive partner, move somewhere new to get a job, have kids . . . and each of these steps tends to reduce the free time needed to hang out and get to know new people.

[marble_faun]

Yes, it gets harder to make friends after school!  College functions as a kind of bonding experience for a cohort of people who live and work together.  And then afterward... there's nothing else quite like that for most of us. You can make friends at work, but then you change jobs and realize you didn't have as much in common with your former co-workers as you thought.  And as you get older, if you move to a new place, you find that more and more people already have their own thing going and just aren't in the market for new good friends.

Anyway, I went through this a few years back, when my husband and I moved away from the area where we went to college, and where most of our friends lived. We were suddenly age 30-ish and forced to make new friends for the first time since we were 18.  It was a bit of a shock to the system, and it took a long time to get in the groove in our new city. Fortunately my job came with built-in "friends," which was enough for me, but my husband was socially stranded and had to work harder to find connections.

What worked was this:

(1) Going way out of the way to strengthen relationships with any existing friends.  We do have a few friends in a different city in our region. Even though it's inconvenient to go there, we often do, just to hang out with them and retain those ties. We don't want to take good old friends for granted.  (And sometimes they come here, which is nice.) 

It sounds like you are already doing this with at least one of your friends, even though it's logistically difficult -- but I would say to keep putting in that effort, since old friends don't grow on trees. And eventually the kids will get older, and your friend may have more time in her life.

(2) Use Meetup.com to meet new people. My husband has found a congenial group of folks who are all interested in the same activity, so he has a new weekly hang-out with them.  It did take a few years for him to find the "right" group, but this one clicked. 

There are Meetup groups for hiking, for learning new languages, for playing board games, for reading romance novels with a book club... etc. etc.  So I would suggest loading up on a bunch of Meetups that seem interesting, and take a month or two where you just go to every single event on offer, even events on the fringes of what you would normally want to do -- then narrow it down to a couple groups that seem promising for the long term.

(3) Be pro-active. Try starting up a project or group effort of some sort, and see who comes to the surface.  Again, my husband had to work hard at this, as he has a creative hobby that is very important to him, which requires collaboration and a local social network. For a year or two he showed up at every event even remotely connected to this hobby. He put himself out there to meet people and forge connections. Eventually he got his new project off the ground and is happy with how things are going. It's become a good source of friendships for him. But it took a lot of concentrated effort on his part.

[Laserjet3051]

Anywhere people congregate has been a good place for me to make friends:

Work/job
Neighborhood (during dog walks, standing around, at the park, etc)
Kids friends/classmates (meet a lot of parents through the kids friends and school activities)
Internet (gasp!)
While mountain biking/surfing/doing fun stuff
Anywhere on earth I am willing to reach out to another human being and engage in conversation (at the 7-11, MMJ dispensary, etc, wherever)

[okits]

I have A LOT of new friends from the past four years.  Two sources: 1) having children (connecting with other parents in the neighbourhood) and 2) MMM forums (going to local meet ups, getting to know people in the Journals sections, and attending the nearby Camp Mustache*Toronto).  Both groups have characteristics that fit my mindset and lifestyle really well. 

[Zikoris]

Most of our friendships have happened as a result of activities and common interests. I meet a lot of people through social ballroom dancing, boyfriend meets people through his Dungeons and Dragons group, and we've both met a ton of people through our local MMM group. We don't have a huge friends circle, but we're not super social people either, so it works out well for us.

[Imma]

You go to the gym, have you said hello to anyone? That's the first step, saying hello and then hope you see each other next week. After a while, you gradually become friends (if the other person is also willing).  If you're athletic, join random rec sports teams, teams are always looking for substitutes in my area. Perhaps you can skip the gym and still get your workouts done.

Personally, I've also invited over neighbours to have drinks. Its great since you can meet up randomly on a Saturday morning while you're both out in the yard and then proceed to waste an hour chatting instead of weeding.

The number one thing though, is you have to initiate contact. Just like dating, it often goes nowhere, but if you're not talking to people is it reasonable to expect people to talk to you?

I do try to initiate contact, but it's difficult. We have a new neighbour (a single woman in her 30s) and I've established a good relationship. She's not a future best friend, but she's nice and fun and it's important to have a good relationship with your neighbours. When we moved here, I tried to get in touch with everyone else on the square (18 houses) but I found out few people were interesting in getting to know us. I rang all the doorbells to introduce myself, most didn't even open, or shut the door very quickly. Some neighbours still don't greet me back when I say hi in the street, although we've lived here for 3 years and I'm in no doubt they know who I am.

I have a good, polite relationship with everyone in my gym group (we talk, I know where they work and if they have kids / grandkids) but everyone's a lot older than me. I hope to find more younger people in my new gym. Medically, some of the more extreme sports my friends do are not an option. I visit a very liberal church occasionally, but again, it seems everyone's much older than me and there doesn't really seem to a be a church community with social occasions. I've been looking to join groups with similar interests, but I haven't found the group for me yet.

I guess one of the problems is I'm a bit of a bookish type, I'm quite serious. I love going to see bands, but I'm not into drinking until the middle of the night. But I'm not conservative. I end up in groups with people either much older and/or people that are much more conservative. One of the girls from my uni days that I really liked, but am no longer in touch with, didn't believe women should vote...

[Linea_Norway]

We also ring all the doorbells in the street when we move to a new neighbourhood. Just to introduce ourselves. Some invited us in right away. But everyone was friendly and made a little chat. I also invited the whole bunch when we had a move-in party (outside in the snow around the campfire). A few of them came and that was okay, as it was a bit special. We have good contact with the neighbours, but we don't visit each other as friends.

[Spruit]

We moved to a small-ish village in a new-to-us province about five years ago. A lot of twenty- and thirty-somethings that currently live here have moved back to their hometown after uni to settle down and have kids, is my impression. They already have their old highschool friends network set up to reconnect to, and/or are not that interested in finding new non-parent friends.
I've had the struggle to find friends off and on, also because I don't call someone a friend that quickly. Maybe that's also a cultural thing? Friend vs acquaintance? I have made quite a few acquaintances, people are friendly enough. It's just tough to find people with similar interests that you really click with, especially if you are not super-outgoing at first.
Anyway, I'll send a PM :)

[Hirondelle]

I understand what you're going through as I've been moving cities/countries a lot in the past few years and had to built up my life from scratch over and over again (currently doing it again, sigh).

You mentioned going to the gym. In my personal experience, gyms (even group classes) aren't that social, but sports clubs are usually a lot better. Have you thought about joining one of those? Especially in team sports it should be relatively easy to meet a lot of people, but even in more individual sports there's plenty of options. This does require that your city is big enough to have a sports club in something you like with a vibrant adult section tho.

Besides that I do hear you that many people already have their lives either from their youth or from their uni years in a particular city and aren't looking for too many new friends. Maybe it's just also that we aren't as chatty in NL compared to the average American here on the forums (at least that's my experience)?

Another really good source of friends for me personally has been (solo) travel. However this leaves you with friends spread out over different countries so doesn't really solve your problem of having no one nearby :p

[Dollar Slice]

Lots of good advice here... I moved to a new city/state in 2014 and I've made a ton of friends/acquaintances. When I was younger (even in university) I had a terrible time making friends, I was shy and had social anxiety. I really had to consciously try to be a different person - more outgoing, more friendly, less self-centered, etc. It helps a lot to come up with a specific, social hobby that you genuinely love - not something generic like going to the gym or being at work, but something that helps you find "your people," whether it's a science fiction book club or Alpine climbing. If you have no non-generic interests, now would be a great time to explore :-)  And it helps to be the person with a plan. When everyone else is sitting around wishing they had something to do this weekend besides watching TV, you can be the person with an interesting thing to suggest. That's what happens in my office - someone says "what's everyone doing this weekend" on Friday or "what did everyone do this weekend" on Monday and everyone's like "eh, not much" until I rattle off a great story about something cool I did. People will want to hang with you if you're always up to something interesting and not just another drone.

Talk to everyone. Be friendly and ask questions. You don't have to be brilliant, just ask them about their weekend or the weather or their dog or their shoes. Don't limit age or gender or "type" of person. You don't have to be best friends with everyone. But just practice talking to people and you never know when you'll click with someone. I literally have made friends from age 20-something to 70-something since I moved here. Men and women. Rich and poor and in between. Bartenders, scientists, artists, laborers, CEOs. It's nice having a big range of friends, I have someone to go to bars with and someone to go to the symphony with, someone who will go to just about anything if it's free, etc.. I talk to people at the bus stop, I talk to cashiers at the store, I talk to the person next to me in line, I talk to the person sitting next to me at an event, etc. etc. It doesn't always spark a long conversation, but it still is nice to have a friendly exchange with someone. Maybe only 1 in 25 turns into a long-term friend/acquaintance, but if you talk to people every chance you get, that's a pretty good number.

I try to bring value to other people's lives. Give people a reason to want to be your friend! If you manage to make an acquaintance, do little nice things - give them tips about fun things happening or a great sale at the grocery store or warn them about a traffic problem or whatever is relevant to your lives. Be proactive about being friendly. Organize things - hey, I'm going to the movies, does anyone want to join me? Hey, I'm going shopping at [store], does anyone want a ride? Hey, I'm going for a hike, does anyone want to come? Hey, I'm going to see this great band, does anyone want to join me? Hey, I read this amazing book, would you like to borrow it? Be the person that makes other people's lives a little better, in whatever ways make sense for you. Unsurprisingly, more people want to be friends with someone who makes their life interesting/better/easier/more fun. When they are bored and want to do something, they will think of you instead of that friend they already have who doesn't do anything except talk about their toddler and watch football on TV.

[JLee]

My current social circle is mostly people I've met by doing stuff (assisted by the internet).  Dance, offroad driving, cars, and message forums basically built the social network I have today.

[Linea_Norway]

You mentioned going to the gym. In my personal experience, gyms (even group classes) aren't that social, but sports clubs are usually a lot better. Have you thought about joining one of those? Especially in team sports it should be relatively easy to meet a lot of people, but even in more individual sports there's plenty of options. This does require that your city is big enough to have a sports club in something you like with a vibrant adult section tho.

Besides that I do hear you that many people already have their lives either from their youth or from their uni years in a particular city and aren't looking for too many new friends. Maybe it's just also that we aren't as chatty in NL compared to the average American here on the forums (at least that's my experience.

Good advice. Were are members of a thriathlon club, but not very active anymore. That is a very social club. Several outdoor trainings a week, motivating each other. And free access to the swimming pool on certain nights. And free core training at a gym once a week. A very good financial deal, compared to normal swimming pool amd gym prices.
We have met with some of these people on other days, usually training together, but then in a different location. We have not been invited to birthdays and the like, though. But some clubs do a summer grillparty for the girls or things like that.

People that might be looking for more friends could be pensioners. I know a woman from my mushroom club, who is retired. She said she would like to join me on trips in the forest. Any day would fit, because she doesn't need to work. When people get older, they might get fewer friends, and might appreciate new ones. While younger people often are busy having a family.

[Hirondelle]

I try to bring value to other people's lives. Give people a reason to want to be your friend! If you manage to make an acquaintance, do little nice things - give them tips about fun things happening or a great sale at the grocery store or warn them about a traffic problem or whatever is relevant to your lives. Be proactive about being friendly. Organize things - hey, I'm going to the movies, does anyone want to join me? Hey, I'm going shopping at [store], does anyone want a ride? Hey, I'm going for a hike, does anyone want to come? Hey, I'm going to see this great band, does anyone want to join me? Hey, I read this amazing book, would you like to borrow it? Be the person that makes other people's lives a little better, in whatever ways make sense for you. Unsurprisingly, more people want to be friends with someone who makes their life interesting/better/easier/more fun. When they are bored and want to do something, they will think of you instead of that friend they already have who doesn't do anything except talk about their toddler and watch football on TV.

I really like this advice. It's obvious but I think often overlooked. It's not just about you looking for friends, you also have to think about why someone would like to be your friend. Being busy and inviting is more attractive than waiting to get invited. On the other hand, a lot of people might say no as they're busy with their already established lifes which can be demotivating. I always feel a little insulted/sad when people say no to my invites. I know that often it doesn't have to be personal, but if it happens a few times it does feel like that, which discourages me from trying again.

[diapasoun]

Imma, you sound a lot like me in terms of temperament -- have you tried a book club on for size? A friend and I started one a few years ago (speculative fiction by women for women) and it's been an amazing venue for meeting new people for me. One of my book club people is actually my housemate now! Book clubs tend to collect people who are looking for intellectual fulfillment and time with people who aren't their families, so that could help with some of the problems you're having.

There's a ton of great advice in here, and I hope that you have luck!

[Imma]

We moved to a small-ish village in a new-to-us province about five years ago. A lot of twenty- and thirty-somethings that currently live here have moved back to their hometown after uni to settle down and have kids, is my impression. They already have their old highschool friends network set up to reconnect to, and/or are not that interested in finding new non-parent friends.
I've had the struggle to find friends off and on, also because I don't call someone a friend that quickly. Maybe that's also a cultural thing? Friend vs acquaintance? I have made quite a few acquaintances, people are friendly enough. It's just tough to find people with similar interests that you really click with, especially if you are not super-outgoing at first.
Anyway, I'll send a PM :)

Thanks! I'll get back to you tonight :)  I can imagine where you live is a difficult place to settle into. Everyone knows everyone from primary school. I grew up there and I can't imagine moving back.

[MrThatsDifferent]

It is hard. I don’t even care about new friends, it’s tough keeping old ones once you get caught up in work and family. I’m making a conscious effort now to spend more time with friends I have. The elements it would take to invest in a new friend, just aren’t available. Acquaintances sure, but a true friend, nah. I have an SO, old friends, family and my own interests, and I need naps! That’s enough for now.

[Imma]

We moved to a small-ish village in a new-to-us province about five years ago. A lot of twenty- and thirty-somethings that currently live here have moved back to their hometown after uni to settle down and have kids, is my impression. They already have their old highschool friends network set up to reconnect to, and/or are not that interested in finding new non-parent friends.
I've had the struggle to find friends off and on, also because I don't call someone a friend that quickly. Maybe that's also a cultural thing? Friend vs acquaintance? I have made quite a few acquaintances, people are friendly enough. It's just tough to find people with similar interests that you really click with, especially if you are not super-outgoing at first.
Anyway, I'll send a PM :)

Thanks! I'll get back to you tonight :)  I can imagine where you live is a difficult place to settle into. Everyone knows everyone from primary school. I grew up there and I can't imagine moving back.

@Spruit did you get my message?

[LAGuy]

Yeah, I can't even imagine how hard it is to move to a completely different country where you don't know anyone! The standard advice I've had from many people is join a church or have kids, but we're not religious and it's medically unlikely we'll have children.

I'm still trying to find an interesting group with people my age, but it's been difficult. I had expected to meet more people my age. I'm going to join a different (cheaper) gym in spring, maybe that will help.

As somebody that is currently doing the nomad thing, I will chime in and say here that living in a different country is actually quite easy to make friends. Your circle tends to be much smaller and tighter, as while you do meet some locals, mostly you spend a lot of time with expats. And everybody is often on the same page with similar interests (travel, work abroad, local culture, etc). In fact, it's one of the reasons I chose to live on the road for awhile...I find it's way easier to meet friends this way then back in the US where I'm not really on the same page as them what with my single, no kids, FIRE, Mustacian tendencies.

[Hirondelle]

Yeah, I can't even imagine how hard it is to move to a completely different country where you don't know anyone! The standard advice I've had from many people is join a church or have kids, but we're not religious and it's medically unlikely we'll have children.

I'm still trying to find an interesting group with people my age, but it's been difficult. I had expected to meet more people my age. I'm going to join a different (cheaper) gym in spring, maybe that will help.

As somebody that is currently doing the nomad thing, I will chime in and say here that living in a different country is actually quite easy to make friends. Your circle tends to be much smaller and tighter, as while you do meet some locals, mostly you spend a lot of time with expats. And everybody is often on the same page with similar interests (travel, work abroad, local culture, etc). In fact, it's one of the reasons I chose to live on the road for awhile...I find it's way easier to meet friends this way then back in the US where I'm not really on the same page as them what with my single, no kids, FIRE, Mustacian tendencies.

I second this. I also feel friendships develop quicker as everyone is very open to new people (we know what you're going through-feeling) and you have more time to hang out as you don't have any family ties or old friendships to go to. I think this mainly works in countries that are culturally very different from your own though and maybe even more if you look different (e.g. white expat in Asia/Africa or the other way around). It'd make it easier for other expats to find/recognize you + you have the similar interest of how different your cultures are. This does require you live in a bigger city with a rather large expat community though. In small villages you'll be the only one.

[Spruit]

@Spruit did you get my message?

Woops, I did. Send one back just now (must have not hit send last time).