Hi Friends,
This post may not be in the right place, but it is kind of a question.... I am wondering if anyone else ever feels this way and what you've found has been functional and practical to help quell these emotions?
Today:
Over the weekend, one of my friends was giving away a bag of pants to the thrift store, I spotted some levis in the pile and asked if I could have the bag to sell on Ebay and donate the rest. Long story short, I sold a few of the jeans and had to go to the post office to drop those and another package off.
Standing in the VERY busy office, I noticed that there were a lot of teenagers there with their parents. I didn't think much of it and continued to wait in line (20+ minute wait).
At one point a woman walks in with her teenage son and apparently sees another parent + kiddo she knows and says a big cheerful hello. She asks "are you here to get his passport too?" and the parent nods and says "yes, Timmy's going to Spain!" "Oh how fun," responds the mother, "Keegan is going to India for his winter break- anyways talk to you later"-- and she is ushered into the passport area of the post office.
I stood there in line, with the pants I so desperately took from my friend to sell for $12, in my thrift store blazer, on my lunch break at the day job (I usually just work through my lunch break because they let me and I'm hourly), and I .... for whatever reason... LOST IT. Now mind you, I kept it to myself because I don't want to be a public spectacle, but for whatever reason I was absolutely overcome with emotion and in tears immediately. I can't pinpoint if it was exactly envy, regret, or just plain sadness.
All I could think of was my life at 16 years old (that's about how old these teens looked).
Background:
Early 30's, Female, Single, No Children.
I grew up in a poor, but not destitute family. We were below the poverty line, but we had everything we needed, most certainly, and by many accounts, we were very very lucky and I am certainly grateful for that. However, my entire life has been based on fairly extreme frugality, and just constantly constantly thinking about money... how to get it, how to save it, how to not spend it, etc. etc..
We could never afford school yearbooks, my mom would take the demos for school pictures and cut around the "sample" marking on it (this was before watermarks were used much), and we line dried our clothing in the basement in the winter even- to save electricity. We were in the middle of nowhere in the rust belt and my dad was laid off on occasion from his steel shop- at which point we'd usually have to go to a food pantry for a while.
We were not desperate, and my parents never took on any debt, but we went through $1000 used cars over and over and over and my dad would work on them in the garage until his hands hurt every weekend, along with our constantly broken hand-me-down lawn mower. We wore only hand-me-down clothing, never attended family reunions or holidays where we might be expected to bring gifts, etc. etc. We lived a modest life.
Currently, I live almost the same life as an adult. I've never had a job that paid more than 40k, I've never had just one job at a time-usually two or three, I wear hand-me-down clothing or thrift store clothing, etc. etc. I have always been frugal and saved, and since finding out about FI/Mustachianism/Etc. I save over 50% of my income (for about 2 years now).
However, I would have LOVED and cherished the chance to take a trip ANYWHERE at 16. I would love to go in the future!!! I just don't know that I'll ever get there. I actually almost felt like the tears were me feeling happy for those kids- that they'll get this opportunity... and silently hoping that my day will come eventually. Exhale.
Sometimes it just feels exhausting to optimize every single thing in my life, to scrape and save in every way possible. I recently made the mistake of sitting down and spreadsheeting the very few "luxuries" I have left (my $20 gym membership that I use often, my $35 NonProfit sports league membership (which is the only way I see peers and has been the best thing I've ever done for myself), and my at-home coffee expenses among a few other small things that DO add up) I found that if I cut basically all of that out, I could save an additional $2000-2500 a year. That's great! Yet, when I think about cutting all of that out, I just feel miserable. The nicest blanket I have is one that was given to me by the vets office when my dog had surgery, I hadn't been to the dentist in 15 years until this year when I bought a Groupon, etc. etc. BOO HOO. Exhale.
Does anyone else have these woe is me moments, and how do you get over it? I know my life is good - I have an apartment, a reliable used car, I get to have a pet dog and afford her care, and I have a job... but it's hard not to want more, you know?
Any ideas, suggestions, or experiences? Please be kind, I was crying in a post office today, my ego is already a little bruised. Ha.