Author Topic: honesty & money in relationship  (Read 14347 times)

Exhale

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Re: honesty & money in relationship
« Reply #50 on: April 04, 2015, 10:25:23 AM »
What a great thread - I look forward to looking at the links.

I've learned that there are three qualities I must have in a partner:
1) Kindness
2) Positive worldview
3) Honesty

In my experience, the lack of these three qualities result either from a truly different worldview or a lack of inner health/clarity.

- Kindness = For me this is a total deal breaker, either you are or you aren't. No cultural relativity here.

- Positive POV = I've tried to be flexible on this (many have accused me of being too positive), but finally realized that I need to live in a way that offers compassion/good faith to myself and others. Two former GFs have told me that they weren't being negative, they were being "realistic." I respect that was their reality, but knew I couldn't live around that outlook.

- Honesty = This is a hard one because often people lie due to unresolved issues (e.g., survivor of abuse, child of alcoholic parents, etc.). In other words, many times people mean better and have the potential to live more honestly. Having this awareness of/empathy for the roots of lying behavior has, in the past, caused me to put up with dishonesty in my SOs. However, I learned that, for me, dishonesty is a major red flag because the need to lie/cover up is a symptom of a larger issue (e.g., inability to admit to being wrong, fear-based living, etc.) that will impact the ability to have a healthy intimate relationship.

Interestingly, a very dear friend exaggerates (to sound more impressive) in very superficial interactions, but not at all in any of her closer relationships (in which she is deeply, sometimes brutally, honest as well as very self-aware and -reflective). The exaggerating used to drive me nuts, but then I realized that: 1) I value her honesty with me and 2) care for her deeply. So, I've made my peace with loving her for who she is - someone of deep honesty that exists alongside strong social anxiety (just as she cherishes me in spite of my many faults). However, I wouldn't choose her as my SO because I couldn't have that behavior in an intimate relationship.

I want to add a special thanks to folks who have shared that they found their SOs later in life. It helps to know that it's worth the wait to find someone with whom you're truly compatible.

deborah

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Re: honesty & money in relationship
« Reply #51 on: April 04, 2015, 03:15:16 PM »
I've learned that there are three qualities I must have in a partner:
1) Kindness
2) Positive worldview
3) Honesty
Yes! but I would add respect.