Homeless friend

[dragonwalker]

I have a friend that I don't know that well but that I have known for about 10 years. We share a hobby/activity together on a semi regular basis, more so in the last few years. In the past 1-2 years he's fallen on some hard times and had his car stolen, lost his job, and is now homeless. He previously seemed to be living quite comfortably with a good job in tech., multiple cars, with a good job, and all of his needs taken care of.

I believe he lost his job at the beginning of the year, exhausted his unemployment, and was evicted from his home. I have heard from reliable sources in our friend group that some of his recent misfortunes are due to drug use (specifically speed). There were signs of financial trouble when he ended up stiffing one of our other friends but at the other time it wasn't clear the extent of his situation.

I just talked to him on the phone after he said that needed money to fix a bike he was using for transportation. He's a bit older in his early 60s so the job market is hard for him and he's Canadian requiring visa sponsorship for any job that he takes. I'm not in the same field as him and really can't help on the job front wise but I've offered some suggestions to find any job in the meantime but I suspect his visa may be an issue. He has no family here, and I don't think a ton back in Canada.

He's going to call again later to ask for some advice and maybe some help. Does someone have experience with this and an idea of how I should consider handling this. If it weren't for his suspected drug use I would be more than happy to help/give for some essential living necessities but I fear that money might go to a drug habit. I didn't ask him directly about it but he didn't mention any drug issue. Are there some reasonable ways to help that are beneficial without giving him money per se. I don't owe him anything but he is someone I do consider a friend and for my own conscious I want to help him out. 

[ixtap]

Sometimes the best you can do is hook someone up with community resources.

As for the visa, if he needs a work sponsored visa and has been unemployed for several months, he may have a big issue right there. If he is white, not many will ask him about that, but depending on where you are it could affect his access to community resources. If I suspected as much, I would ask if he would be interested in going back to Canada and if so offer to help with that. But be aware that homeless people often want to stay where they are to maintain whatever sense of connection they feel they have regardless of any other consequences.

If I were concerned about how money will be spent, I would offer to buy the parts and help do the fix or pick up the bike and take it to the shop.

DH has a tendency to find hopeless cases, but so far he hasn't picked up anyone with drug issues.

[Metalcat]

Unless you are a trained professional or a trusted loved one, do not involve yourself with an active or early-recovery addict.

Dealing with addiction is incredibly difficult.

There's a reason he's coming to you. Addicts burn through people in their lives and just keep expanding their circle of people they turn to until they get to more and more loose acquaintances. They're good at finding people who don't know them that well but seem to be caring, generous, and above all, aren't savvy to the typical behaviours of addicts.

Addicts who had good lives/careers don't fall on hard times, they systematically burned their lives to the ground and keep going in the face of devastating consequences because that's how important their addiction has become to them. Addicts are above all TREMENDOUSLY resourceful and determined. You will never meet a population more driven to succeed at their goals.

If he's an addict and he's in the losing everything stage and he's asking you for help but not admitting to the addiction, then he's not a friend asking for help, you've been profiled and targeted as a potential enabler.

[curious_george]

Unless you are a trained professional or a trusted loved one, do not involve yourself with an active or early-recovery addict.

Dealing with addiction is incredibly difficult.

There's a reason he's coming to you. Addicts burn through people in their lives and just keep expanding their circle of people they turn to until they get to more and more loose acquaintances. They're good at finding people who don't know them that well but seem to be caring, generous, and above all, aren't savvy to the typical behaviours of addicts.

Addicts who had good lives/careers don't fall on hard times, they systematically burned their lives to the ground and keep going in the face of devastating consequences because that's how important their addiction has become to them. Addicts are above all TREMENDOUSLY resourceful and determined. You will never meet a population more driven to succeed at their goals.

If he's an addict and he's in the losing everything stage and he's asking you for help but not admitting to the addiction, then he's not a friend asking for help, you've been profiled and targeted as a potential enabler.

This. Exactly this.

As someone who grew up with crackheads, who has a lot of drug use in my family, you need to just stay away.

He will get as much as he can from you, tell you whatever story he needs to tell you to get it, lie to you, and take everything he can take from you. He will then spend this money on more drugs.

You will be enabling him. To continue to destroy his life. You need to make him see the consequences of his decisions or help get him professional help. There are people who are trained to deal with drug addicts.

And before anyone says 'oh, that sounds harsh' - I guarantee I know more crackheads than you do, and my life growing up was probably worse than yours. I have watched many crackheads drive themselves into the ground, try and take their partners and entire families with them, then wind up dying while most of their family wound up in financial ruins or worse. Shit like this was common in the trailer parks, in foster care, in the ghetto - I know this from first hand experience of trying to help many crackheads in my life.

You need to stay - the fuck - away. He will target compassionate people, and you have just been targeted as his next victim.

ETA: I will note that @Metalcat also knows this from first hand experience, of previously being married to a drug addict who has passed away.

I have several cousins who are dead now - from drugs. Some of whom were both smarter and richer than I was at one point in time. So I have watched this play out in my personal life and other people's lives. It's very sad....

So you have two completely different people, with different backgrounds, in different countries, with personal experience, telling you the same thing.

[Metalcat]

I do have personal experience, but I also have a lot of formal study on the topic.

I went out of my way when I was living with an addict to educate myself and learn as much about addiction and recovery as possible.

I have a lot of compassion for people suffering from addiction, and I don't give any of my cautions from a place of judgement or criticism. I firmly believe in compassion for people with addictions, but that doesn't mean giving them the benefit of the doubt.

That means understanding how and why they lie so effectively, how and why they use everyone they sense is weak or naive enough to be used. Compassion means knowing you will be lied to and manipulated and knowing how to handle it.

If someone doesn't know how to manage being gaslit by an incredibly determined liar, then they aren't equipped to help that person.

I've seen A LOT of addicts end up worse off because someone tried to help them and then abandoned them when they got fucked over. I don't blame the person for abandoning someone who is using them, but their "help" didn't help along the way, it just made things more volatile.

I've been watching my family do this with my cousin. They didn't listen to me, they got caught up in the lies and manipulations, and now my cousin is left with no supports even though he relocated here because of the support my family offered.

He's much worse off because of the help they tried to offer him and that he burned to the ground because he figured out that they were able to be manipulated and he couldn't resist the temptation when his cravings got the best of him.

If someone doesn't know what support looks like for an addict, they can cause a lot more harm than good for everyone involved. 

[wenchsenior]

Unless you are a trained professional or a trusted loved one, do not involve yourself with an active or early-recovery addict.

Dealing with addiction is incredibly difficult.

There's a reason he's coming to you. Addicts burn through people in their lives and just keep expanding their circle of people they turn to until they get to more and more loose acquaintances. They're good at finding people who don't know them that well but seem to be caring, generous, and above all, aren't savvy to the typical behaviours of addicts.

Addicts who had good lives/careers don't fall on hard times, they systematically burned their lives to the ground and keep going in the face of devastating consequences because that's how important their addiction has become to them. Addicts are above all TREMENDOUSLY resourceful and determined. You will never meet a population more driven to succeed at their goals.

If he's an addict and he's in the losing everything stage and he's asking you for help but not admitting to the addiction, then he's not a friend asking for help, you've been profiled and targeted as a potential enabler.

This. Exactly this.

As someone who grew up with crackheads, who has a lot of drug use in my family, you need to just stay away.

He will get as much as he can from you, tell you whatever story he needs to tell you to get it, lie to you, and take everything he can take from you. He will then spend this money on more drugs.

You will be enabling him. To continue to destroy his life. You need to make him see the consequences of his decisions or help get him professional help. There are people who are trained to deal with drug addicts.

And before anyone says 'oh, that sounds harsh' - I guarantee I know more crackheads than you do, and my life growing up was probably worse than yours. I have watched many crackheads drive themselves into the ground, try and take their partners and entire families with them, then wind up dying while most of their family wound up in financial ruins or worse. Shit like this was common in the trailer parks, in foster care, in the ghetto - I know this from first hand experience of trying to help many crackheads in my life.

You need to stay - the fuck - away. He will target compassionate people, and you have just been targeted as his next victim.

ETA: I will note that @Metalcat also knows this from first hand experience, of previously being married to a drug addict who has passed away.

I have several cousins who are dead now - from drugs. Some of whom were both smarter and richer than I was at one point in time. So I have watched this play out in my personal life and other people's lives. It's very sad....

So you have two completely different people, with different backgrounds, in different countries, with personal experience, telling you the same thing.

As someone with multiple people in the family with addiction issues, I am seconding these posts.

[Dicey]

As someone with a family member who is precariously close to being in this position, I'm following for the advice. They already know not to ask me for money, but they are extremely manipulative. Their last text was "Do you still hate me?", which I ignored. Sigh.

[Sibley]

Sounds like the best option you have is to find the local community org that is equipped to handle all the potential issues. Give your acquaintance (not friend, he's not a friend, there's a difference) the contact info, wish him well, and don't get involved further.

I say that's the best option because you've got people saying essentially do nothing, but that clearly won't sit well with you. So this way you're not doing nothing but you're also not getting involved.

[Metalcat]

Sounds like the best option you have is to find the local community org that is equipped to handle all the potential issues. Give your acquaintance (not friend, he's not a friend, there's a difference) the contact info, wish him well, and don't get involved further.

I say that's the best option because you've got people saying essentially do nothing, but that clearly won't sit well with you. So this way you're not doing nothing but you're also not getting involved.

My advice isn't to do nothing. My advice is to know what you're doing if you're going to get involved. And that's a hell of a commitment.

[lifeandlimb]

@Metalcat could you point to some of your most helpful resources, or give a rundown of what support does look like for an addict, from a concerned friend or loved one?

Feel like I know a few people circling close to this point and want to get a better idea of what I can do/say besides mentioning a local recovery group.

[Sibley]

Sounds like the best option you have is to find the local community org that is equipped to handle all the potential issues. Give your acquaintance (not friend, he's not a friend, there's a difference) the contact info, wish him well, and don't get involved further.

I say that's the best option because you've got people saying essentially do nothing, but that clearly won't sit well with you. So this way you're not doing nothing but you're also not getting involved.

My advice isn't to do nothing. My advice is to know what you're doing if you're going to get involved. And that's a hell of a commitment.

Know what you're doing ---> Knowing you can't make a commitment ---> Not making a commitment ---> Basically not doing anything.

[Metalcat]

Sounds like the best option you have is to find the local community org that is equipped to handle all the potential issues. Give your acquaintance (not friend, he's not a friend, there's a difference) the contact info, wish him well, and don't get involved further.

I say that's the best option because you've got people saying essentially do nothing, but that clearly won't sit well with you. So this way you're not doing nothing but you're also not getting involved.

My advice isn't to do nothing. My advice is to know what you're doing if you're going to get involved. And that's a hell of a commitment.

Know what you're doing ---> Knowing you can't make a commitment ---> Not making a commitment ---> Basically not doing anything.

Sure, if the person concludes that learning what they need to learn isn't worth the effort they want to put in, then yes, doing nothing is often going to be the better option.

My point is that helping an addict is rigorous and people shouldn't be naive about it because they can cause more harm than good if they try and "help" from a place of ignorance.

[Metalcat]

@Metalcat could you point to some of your most helpful resources, or give a rundown of what support does look like for an addict, from a concerned friend or loved one?

Feel like I know a few people circling close to this point and want to get a better idea of what I can do/say besides mentioning a local recovery group.

I am in NO WAY an advocate for 12 step programs, but I believe that all people who engage with any kind of addict in their life should avail themselves of al-anon meetings. They aren't 12 themselves based on the 12 step model, but they do promote some of the beliefs. However, their value is that they are a support group for people dealing with addiction in a loved one.

Hearing other people's stories and experiences allows you to much more objectively understand the patterns of self-destruction and lying, which are very, very hard to objectively observe when faced with them from someone in your own life.

If week in and week out you hear stories that have similar threads and themes, you will more clearly be able to see the patterns when they present in your own experiences with an addict. Alarm bells will go off more readily.

You will also hear nore stories of boundaries and approaches that do actually work.

I also strongly recommend reading a few autobiographies written by addicts. Read in their own words how and why they lie and use the people they love. How and why they willingly burn down their own lives even when everything that matters is on the line.

ABC News anchor Elizabeth Vargas wrote a fantastic memoir about her alcoholism and while reading you can't help but want to scream at her every time she chooses self destruction when she has every option to just not do that.

You have to come to understand, from an addict's perspective, that it's very a much a Sophie's Choice situation for them. On one hand they can keep drinking and destroy everything they have ever cared about, destroy their family, their career, and every friendship they have ever had, probably permanently OR they can give up their addiction.

If you can't understand why asking an addict to give up their addiction is like asking them to kill one of their children, then you can't understand anything they do. You need to grasp *why* the option to destroy everything often feels like the better choice than getting sober.

Addicts are not dumb, sloppy people who just let their lives fall apart around them who would quit if only they realized the impact of their actions.

As I've said before, addicts are often the most driven, resourceful, industrious, tenacious people you will ever meet. Their addictions are profoundly important to them and their actions are actually hyper rational if you are able to understand the structure of their motivations.

And when faced with the Sophie's Choice of throwing their careers, finances, families, and friends into the fire vs their addiction, a lot of them will choose to protect the addiction, because it's that valuable to them.

Until you can grasp how setting your entire life on fire can feel worth it, you can't be equipped to help an addict.

[lifeandlimb]

Thanks @Metalcat , will do.

[dragonwalker]

Very insightful information. I haven't yet been contacted by my friend but I have talked to a few of the guys in our group and thought of a possible plan.

Our friend in trouble now is part of a hobby group of ours which is how we all know each other. My friend has said when I last spoke to him that he has been selling things of his own to survive. Our friend group thought at this stage with no family in the US, no job prospects at the moment, and probably having overstayed his visa after loosing employment that he should probably return back to Canada where we understand he at least has some family that may be able to help him.

In the meantime to help him pay for travel and possibly airfare back we thought that as a group we could "buy" what he possesses as part of the hobby that we all participate in and allowing him to buyback his stuff whenever he's back up on his feet again. His possessions would be more than enough to pay for one way air fair.

I happened to be the friend closest to him but even then I'm not that close to him. I was thinking of proposing this to him and if he agreed, help him arrange and buy the ticket directly from the airline as to limit the cash given directly to him. Maybe even suggest sending the rest of the cash to a family member to limit it's unintended use. I wanted to see what others thought. Frankly, this make me uncomfortable to suggest as I kind of feel it's out of my place to do so but I'd like to do something to help. Are my friends and I thinking about this wrong or does this seem like a reasonable idea?

One concern of mine is that I'm sure this idea would have crossed my friend's mind and shouldn't have been that hard for him to figure out but the fact he hasn't done it suggests to me that he doesn't want to leave for a variety of good and bad reasons. Given that he has likely overstayed his visa, I'm not sure if this would impact his future ability to come to the US. Being in his 60s I think it would be extremely difficult to come back due to work.   

[Metalcat]

I agree with you that it's not your place to send his money to his family. If you want to give him money for his stuff, then by all means, do so, but I wouldn't get yourself wrapped up in deciding where that money goes.

[curious_george]

Sounds like the best option you have is to find the local community org that is equipped to handle all the potential issues. Give your acquaintance (not friend, he's not a friend, there's a difference) the contact info, wish him well, and don't get involved further.

I say that's the best option because you've got people saying essentially do nothing, but that clearly won't sit well with you. So this way you're not doing nothing but you're also not getting involved.

My advice isn't to do nothing. My advice is to know what you're doing if you're going to get involved. And that's a hell of a commitment.

Know what you're doing ---> Knowing you can't make a commitment ---> Not making a commitment ---> Basically not doing anything.

Sure, if the person concludes that learning what they need to learn isn't worth the effort they want to put in, then yes, doing nothing is often going to be the better option.

My point is that helping an addict is rigorous and people shouldn't be naive about it because they can cause more harm than good if they try and "help" from a place of ignorance.

As the ignorant person who once tried to help a drug addict by giving them money and a car even, I agree with this 1,000%.

Unfortunately he used the money not for food like he said, but for drugs. And instead of using the car to get a job he used it to chase women with and lie to women and wound up getting a girl pregnant also.

So now there is a poor single mother partially because I was the ignorant guy who tried to help my drug addicted nephew...

To top it all off my nephew is in jail for domestic assault charges of said girl..

So yeah - don't help drug addicts unless you know what you're doing....bad things will happen.

At least that one went to jail and didn't overdose and die like my cousin did.

[FINate]

While I generally agree with concerns around enabling addiction, I would not hesitate to pay for airfare or bus ticket back to Canada. Yes, there's a good chance he's already burned bridges with family. But the US has a very meager safety net, especially for the undocumented. He has a much better chance of getting treatment in Canada, and if he can get sober he's more like to maintain sobriety and stay off the streets if he can find regular employment.

[Metalcat]

While I generally agree with concerns around enabling addiction, I would not hesitate to pay for airfare or bus ticket back to Canada. Yes, there's a good chance he's already burned bridges with family. But the US has a very meager safety net, especially for the undocumented. He has a much better chance of getting treatment in Canada, and if he can get sober he's more like to maintain sobriety and stay off the streets if he can find regular employment.

While this is true, he's still an autonomous adult who is entitled to make his own decisions. The point I took issue with is people buying his things and then deciding for him where his money should be spent.

I'm against enabling addicts but I'm also against taking away people's autonomy. It's a fine line.

Offering to buy a ticket home is one thing, offering to buy a person's stuff makes the money theirs, and dictating how someone should spend their own money is stripping them of autonomy. Deciding to send their own money to their family who you don't know if definitely inappropriate.

Personally, based on my own experience, I would just buy the guy's stuff if he's saying clearly that he wants to use the money to go back to Canada, and then if he didn't, that's it, that's the end of my help. I would give him the benefit of the doubt once, but with full awareness that it might go poorly.

What I've been trying to warn about repeatedly is getting involved. Buying his stuff once, not knowing what it might be used for, is not getting particularly overly involved. Buying his stuff with strings attached and contacting his family is definitely getting over involved. 

OP doesn't need to attach strings and rules and involvement with their help, they need to attach boundaries. They need to be prepared that if this person chooses not to get help, or isn't successful in getting help, that they are now a well. Addicts have money wells that they will come back to over and over again until that bridge is burned and the well runs dry.

And if they come back to that well, OP, you need to be prepared that next time, the story will be more compelling, more scary, more desperate, with higher stakes.

[Radagast]

How does someone in their mid 60s coming from a good tech career in both the US and Canada not have social security or a pension or whatever they have in Canada? It seems like it should pay pretty well too.

[Metalcat]

How does someone in their mid 60s coming from a good tech career in both the US and Canada not have social security or a pension or whatever they have in Canada? It seems like it should pay pretty well too.

You can voluntarily contribute to the Canadian version of Social Security (Canadian Pension Plan) if you work in the US, but you don't automatically contribute.

The average CPP benefit for Canadians is $717/mo

We do have a supplemental benefit for low income seniors, which isn't determined by contributions, called Old Age Security, which is just under $700/mo.

Our seniors benefits are substantially lower than Social Security in the US.

Americans tend to imagine that we have much more robust social services and safety nets than we actually do. I've been homeless in Canada, I strongly recommend against it.

[RetiredAt63]

How does someone in their mid 60s coming from a good tech career in both the US and Canada not have social security or a pension or whatever they have in Canada? It seems like it should pay pretty well too.

You can voluntarily contribute to the Canadian version of Social Security (Canadian Pension Plan) if you work in the US, but you don't automatically contribute.

The average CPP benefit for Canadians is $717/mo

We do have a supplemental benefit for low income seniors, which isn't determined by contributions, called Old Age Security, which is just under $700/mo.

Our seniors benefits are substantially lower than Social Security in the US.

Americans tend to imagine that we have much more robust social services and safety nets than we actually do. I've been homeless in Canada, I strongly recommend against it.

One correction - OAS* is just for being a senior who lived in Canada as an adult - it is based on length of residency.  The GIS - Guaranteed Income Supplement - is for low income seniors, and you have to be very low income to qualify.  I would hate to qualify for it.

* https://www.canada.ca/en/services/benefits/publicpensions/cpp/old-age-security/payments.html

[Metalcat]

How does someone in their mid 60s coming from a good tech career in both the US and Canada not have social security or a pension or whatever they have in Canada? It seems like it should pay pretty well too.

You can voluntarily contribute to the Canadian version of Social Security (Canadian Pension Plan) if you work in the US, but you don't automatically contribute.

The average CPP benefit for Canadians is $717/mo

We do have a supplemental benefit for low income seniors, which isn't determined by contributions, called Old Age Security, which is just under $700/mo.

Our seniors benefits are substantially lower than Social Security in the US.

Americans tend to imagine that we have much more robust social services and safety nets than we actually do. I've been homeless in Canada, I strongly recommend against it.

One correction - OAS* is just for being a senior who lived in Canada as an adult - it is based on length of residency.  The GIS - Guaranteed Income Supplement - is for low income seniors, and you have to be very low income to qualify.  I would hate to qualify for it.

* https://www.canada.ca/en/services/benefits/publicpensions/cpp/old-age-security/payments.html

Yes, thank you, I was thinking of GIS and mixing them up.