I’ve just read through this post and thought that I may be able to offer a perspective since we are more alike than I care to admit (nothing personal mind you!). Sorry about the length! We are also DINK with relatively high incomes, in our mid 40s. We have been able to save a sizeable amount despite our previous consumer lifestyle. My DH is not totally on-board with early retirement, so I have had to frame it as, “wouldn’t it be nice to have F-U money?” – this conversation usually occurs when he has a crappy day at work. It resonates better with him.
Generally, he likes work and doesn’t have a real motivation to “retire early”, so we have different goals. And honestly, I wasn’t sure that I wanted to “retire early”, but I certainly wanted to be in a position to work on my terms. So, I started to have conversations about that. About my goals and what I wanted to do, and what I wanted the future to look like. I think when he first heard “retirement” he kept picturing me sitting around in my sweatpants without showering for the day (a certain “work at home Friday” may have given him that impression!). Now he has a better vision of what’s important to me and we work (mostly) together on that goal. It sounds like your partner has a strong work ethic (like mine), so saying that you want to surf all day is not going to make you appealing in their eyes, so maybe you have to re-think what it means to be FIRE, and compromise.
The rule in our house is that if you’re not willing to cut expenses, then you don’t get to complain about your job for more than 30 seconds! When he does complain, I steer him toward a future that if we saved now, we could be in a great position where he wouldn’t have to work, or he could go back to doing a more hands-on job that pays a lot less but would make him happier – he likes that vision. I look for opportunities to teach and reinforce the lifestyle I want to live. I joke that I’m going to hate traveling all over the States once I’m retired and he’s still at work….instead of figuring out the magical number where we both could retire, I figured out the magical number where I could retire or maybe switch to contract work or go part-time – I want options.
Luckily, we have come to an agreement on the budget and he does hold up his end of it – but it is a very realistic budget that we have both agreed upon (not ideal, but livable). We also agreed that any overtime/bonus monies earned can be spent as the person chooses – I keep his separately and he draws down on it for his hobby spending (Do I think the amount of $$ he spends on his hobby is outlandish? Absolutely! But this way we have a workable budget with no resentments and no reason to sabotage or stray.) Now, would I totally get faced-punched for the budget we have? Absolutely!! Are there inefficiencies in the budget? Absolutely! Will it take me longer to reach FIRE than if I had an on-board spouse? Absolutely! But, in all fairness to my hubby, I’m trying to change the rules on him after 20+ years of marriage…it’s going to take some time. Be patient, you’ll get there.
That being said, I lead by example. I still drive a 12 year old Ford Focus, do my own nails, cook all our own meals (even when I’d rather go out ‘cuz I’m tired), grow a garden, buy only the needed work clothes, and not the designer stuff, etc. And, over the years, it has rubbed off on him. He’ll tell me about the “poor guy at work who just bought a new car, but will probably be working until he’s 60” or, so-in-so neighbor just bought a Range Rover, what an idiot – why would he need one of those?” – About a year ago, he may have said the same thing, but it would be because he was envious! But not so much, anymore. I think he’s getting the message, slowly.
If FIRE is important to YOU, then figure out how to get yourself there – she doesn’t necessarily have to FIRE, but she does have to commit to staying within an acceptable spending range to help you reach your vision. Thinking that she’ll magically do it when you FIRE is flirting with disaster and resentment.
If she cares about you, she’ll want to see you be happy – you need to help paint her a vision of what “happy” looks like to you. What will you do when you’re FIRE? I got news for you, unless you can make a side-gig out of it, you probably won’t be jetting off to Fiji! So you really need to think about what that future looks like (maybe you do want to have a consulting gig so you can take trips to Fiji).
Good luck and keep us posted – everyone can always learn from how people have been successful with getting their partners on board, or who have learned alternative ways to think about the situation.