Author Topic: Help! I'm Resisting a Trip to NYC, and a Free Stay in a Mansion!  (Read 9388 times)

lifejoy

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Dear fellow Mustachians,

This is my first time posting, and I would love your support.

I am a 24-year-old librarian, and I am working 2-4 jobs (librarian, bookstore cashier, babysitter & tutor) to tackle my student loan debt ($10,000) and later my parental loan debt ($7000). I have the opportunity to go to New York with my boyfriend, and stay for free at his family's mansion. I would also be able to see some old friends that I haven't seen in a while! (They live in Omaha, Nebraska and Pensylvannia, PA).

My boyfriend is a doctor and is not very mustachian. He has student loans, but with expectations of a solid income and no desire to retire early, he feels free to enjoy the finer things in life. Like expensive trips! We just got back from a trip to Montreal, and despite resisting shopping and staying at his friend's house for free... I still owe my bf about $1000 for the trip. (The trip to Montreal was not one I wanted to go on, I told him I couldn't afford it, but it was supposedly his only vacation time for the year and I didn't want to miss him for 2 weeks. So I went.)

Anyways - sorry about all the added info, I just want you to have a full picture so you can use this information to inspire me! I am in emergency debt repayment mode, and am trying to tell myself "NO!". But I also don't want to miss out on things in life! This is a really cool opportunity, and I have never been to New York. Paying my debt pack in 5 years instead of 2 would mean a lot more fun packed in, but it would also mean paying more overall (yay interest rates) and the guilt/worry of having debt.

A good friend of mine has already suggested to me that I won't enjoy a trip like this, if I'm there just worrying about what I'm doing to my debt-repayment plan.

What are your thoughts? Any ideas or suggestions would be a great help!! Thanks in advance :)

madgeylou

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Re: Help! I'm Resisting a Trip to NYC, and a Free Stay in a Mansion!
« Reply #1 on: March 07, 2013, 06:26:51 PM »
How much is it going to cost you to go? Would you have to borrow from your boyfriend again? Is this a pattern with him, that he pressures you to spend more money than you want, and then you owe him for it?

If so, well, to me that sounds like BS ... If my boyfriend was broke and I wasn't and I really wanted him to go somewhere with me, I'd pay for it as a gift, not rack up a tab for him to pay off later. Sounds a little controlling to me.

So here's something to think about: What's more important to you -- getting out of debt and establishing a good financial future, or not feeling like you can't do all the things your boyfriend wants to do?

lifejoy

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Re: Help! I'm Resisting a Trip to NYC, and a Free Stay in a Mansion!
« Reply #2 on: March 07, 2013, 06:46:09 PM »
It will cost me at least $500 to fly there, plus (I'm estimating) at least $200 to have an awesome time in NYC. Possibly more? My will power is only so strong.

I think you've hit the nail on the head, in that my big issue is with wanting to go but not wanting to encourage a trend or pattern. My bf has a few trips coming up.... he has no problem with paying his debt off slowly, and spends very little money on "things". He sees these life experiences as a way to enjoy the good life, which is one perspective, but not mine.

What's more important to you -- getting out of debt and establishing a good financial future, or not feeling like you can't do all the things your boyfriend wants to do? - Thank you for this!!! This is what I needed someone to say to me. And while my boyfriend is not pressuring me to go with him, we like spending time together and obviously it would be a fun trip. But questions like the one you posed help me with my resolve to get out of debt ASAP, and not get roped into fun trips that weren't my idea.

(More info in case you're curious: I'm going on a ski trip wtih the bf next week, his idea. I told him I couldn't afford to go, and he's footing the bill. He's generous, but also crazy!! I think we should be living "poor" for a few years, but he just doesn't have the same viewpoint, and prefers to live in the moment.)

madgeylou

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Re: Help! I'm Resisting a Trip to NYC, and a Free Stay in a Mansion!
« Reply #3 on: March 07, 2013, 06:52:57 PM »
I get where you agree both coming from. When I was younger, I was a lot more like your boyfriend, though I didn't have quite the same income! And I did have a great time, I've had many amazing experiences.

But I also still have student loans to pay off. And I am 40!!! Aaaahhh!

It is all about choices. Just make sure they're *your* choices. :)

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Re: Help! I'm Resisting a Trip to NYC, and a Free Stay in a Mansion!
« Reply #4 on: March 07, 2013, 06:53:39 PM »
How much is it going to cost you to go? Would you have to borrow from your boyfriend again? Is this a pattern with him, that he pressures you to spend more money than you want, and then you owe him for it?

If so, well, to me that sounds like BS ... If my boyfriend was broke and I wasn't and I really wanted him to go somewhere with me, I'd pay for it as a gift, not rack up a tab for him to pay off later. Sounds a little controlling to me.

If that's an accurate assessment of your boyfriend, dump him. 

Life is too short to hitch yourself to someone who is cheap with you and a spendthrift on himself, plus wants to be controlling you.   I knowm too many women who figured this out for themselves after wasting 10-15 years first.

Dee18

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Re: Help! I'm Resisting a Trip to NYC, and a Free Stay in a Mansion!
« Reply #5 on: March 07, 2013, 07:04:17 PM »
It sounds to me like your instincts are good and you realize being $1000 in debt to BF is the limit.  I know from experience it can be hard to not be heavily influenced by a boyfriend, but unless and until there is a clear long term commitment you are smart not to let his preferences influence you too much.  Also, probably  good to not take another trip until the last one is paid off.  Stick with the debt repayment!  In two years, with no debt, you'll be able to afford to travel more.

lifejoy

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Re: Help! I'm Resisting a Trip to NYC, and a Free Stay in a Mansion!
« Reply #6 on: March 07, 2013, 07:17:55 PM »
Thanks for all the support, everyone!!!

For the record, my boyfriend would be willing to take me to NYC on his dime, but knowing that this would be paid out of his line of credit makes this an option I'm not willing to go for. It's hard enough for me to let him pay for the ski trip.

He's a very sweet guy, but he needs to grow a mustache! ;)

lifejoy

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Re: Help! I'm Resisting a Trip to NYC, and a Free Stay in a Mansion!
« Reply #7 on: March 07, 2013, 09:13:06 PM »
UPDATE:

The trip to NYC is for a Bat Mitzvah, and his mom just called to tell us that she can try to get me on the guest list. Fffffff. I love his family so much, and am so honoured to be included! But I simply can't afford it, and I'm kind of embarrassed about that.

savingtofreedom

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Re: Help! I'm Resisting a Trip to NYC, and a Free Stay in a Mansion!
« Reply #8 on: March 07, 2013, 09:42:54 PM »
Where are you flying from - can you priceline it for cheap? 

Why do you have to spend $200 there?


lifejoy

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Re: Help! I'm Resisting a Trip to NYC, and a Free Stay in a Mansion!
« Reply #9 on: March 07, 2013, 10:09:57 PM »
$200 - three days of food (eating out at restaurants, group/social situations I'm guessing will occur)
- gift for the bat mitzvah
- taxi or bus to and from airports
- other potential transportation
- random expenses that I'm not foreseeing

Ok yeah. I'm totally not going, and I'm feeling better about it. This is something I have to do for myself. My grandmother didn't attend her brother's funeral, because her young family couldn't afford it. Makes my sacrifice seem pretty small! :)

jrhampt

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Re: Help! I'm Resisting a Trip to NYC, and a Free Stay in a Mansion!
« Reply #10 on: March 08, 2013, 10:04:40 AM »
If it were me, I would probably go (and that's what I did in my twenties - spent a lot of time traveling and delayed paying off student loans).  I'm not sure I regret traveling in my twenties...I had some great experiences, although it would be nice to have the money now, I suppose.  You do get a free stay, after all, and it's your first visit to NYC.  I say it's worth it.

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Re: Help! I'm Resisting a Trip to NYC, and a Free Stay in a Mansion!
« Reply #11 on: March 08, 2013, 10:08:55 AM »
Can you reduce that $500 airfare expense? That sounds high to me.  Look at nearby airports (to both your location and your destination).  Amtrak?  Driving?

lifejoy

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Re: Help! I'm Resisting a Trip to NYC, and a Free Stay in a Mansion!
« Reply #12 on: March 08, 2013, 01:01:25 PM »
I live in a small city in Canada. Flying is the only option, and it ain't cheap!

I care more about people than places. If it weren't to visit people I care about, I'd be a lot less interested in travel.

I saw his family last month (the trip I'm still paying off) - so I think I can come to terms with skipping this one! Tough choice though.

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Re: Help! I'm Resisting a Trip to NYC, and a Free Stay in a Mansion!
« Reply #13 on: March 08, 2013, 01:42:54 PM »
Have you decided that this is who you are going to spend your life with and vice versa?  If so, and you are both committed to each other for the long-term, I would go in order to spend the time with family and with him.

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Re: Help! I'm Resisting a Trip to NYC, and a Free Stay in a Mansion!
« Reply #14 on: March 08, 2013, 02:21:08 PM »
It sounds to me like you are looking for reasons to not go - that going is going to shake you up somehow...all these questions that come to light re: your bf and money are an important and salient part of this equation.

There seems to be something you are trying to work out in this relationship with him, and the money differences/questions about this trip are symptoms of some other question(s) you have about your relationship with him. My sense is that you *want* to *not go* to preserve yourself from something, but it's not entirely about debt and money, it may have more to do with values, and feeling heard and understood.

Bakari

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Re: Help! I'm Resisting a Trip to NYC, and a Free Stay in a Mansion!
« Reply #15 on: March 08, 2013, 02:44:07 PM »
Flying is the only option, and it ain't cheap!

not unless you live on some back country ice covered island!

It might be the only easy/fast option, but there is always ride sharing, multiple bus connections, and/or a bicycle.


On the scale of frugality between the Average American and Jacob of ERE, I am on the Jacob side of nearly everyone on this board (I live in a trailer, don't use heat or AC, bike 15 miles each way to my job at a bikeshop, and spend about 10k including rent) - but in the situation of never having been to NYC, and the opportunity to stay FREE in a mansion I say nuts to money, YOLO.

Better to do one epic spectacular trip once every ten years, rather than a regular annual trip just because you have a week off of work - not only is it a lot cheaper, but its a lot more fun too
« Last Edit: March 08, 2013, 06:41:31 PM by Bakari »

savingtofreedom

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Re: Help! I'm Resisting a Trip to NYC, and a Free Stay in a Mansion!
« Reply #16 on: March 08, 2013, 04:57:37 PM »
Over the top Bar Mitzvah in NYC (It sounds like it may be over the top) sounds awesome!!!

Just sign your name on whatever card with cash/check enclosed I assume is going to the Bar Mitzvah boy.

Eat pizza in NYC and other cheap takeout.

Don't pay for drinks out.

This trip sounds awesome - to Bakari's point you only live once - and this sounds like it will be fun. 


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Re: Help! I'm Resisting a Trip to NYC, and a Free Stay in a Mansion!
« Reply #17 on: March 08, 2013, 05:27:56 PM »
3 of my kids have worked at the library and the 21 year old still does.  She has three library jobs and a side gig house sitting/ pet sitting and she can't afford to move out.  So when you say you can't afford it I really believe you.  All that being said - I'd probably go!

I'd look for a seat sale and I'd eat in every meal.  As far as a gift...  find out what the minimally acceptable cash gift is and put it in a card.  Will they think you're cheap?  Probably...  Just tell them that is how we do it in Canada ;-)

I'm in the YOLO camp.  Sorry.  :-|

mustachecat

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Re: Help! I'm Resisting a Trip to NYC, and a Free Stay in a Mansion!
« Reply #18 on: March 08, 2013, 06:00:35 PM »
I'm so surprised by some of the responses here!

OP, you're 24, and in another thread, you said that this boyfriend is The One and that you're making plans to get married. This is absolutely not a once-in-a-lifetime deal; you'll get another opportunity to stay at the family mansion for free. And unless his family is filled with snobby jerks, I don't think they'll hold it against you.

Paul der Krake

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Re: Help! I'm Resisting a Trip to NYC, and a Free Stay in a Mansion!
« Reply #19 on: March 08, 2013, 06:33:48 PM »
Not only should they not hold it against you, but there is no reason for them to know why you are not coming. "She couldn't make it this time" from their son should be enough.

That being said, I think you should go. If you are torn enough to discuss this on a public forum, you are somehow burning to go. if that sets back your goals to be debt-free by a month, then so be it. Shop around for that airline fare though.

lifejoy

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Re: Help! I'm Resisting a Trip to NYC, and a Free Stay in a Mansion!
« Reply #20 on: March 08, 2013, 11:22:50 PM »
Thanks everyone! This bolsters my resolve to not go. I want to prove to myself that I am committed to debt repayment, and that way I can go on trips in the future and not feel guilty or conflicted about it :)

His family will totally understand, and as was pointed out, I can say that it's not a good time for me to go. And who knows? As another commenter suggested, I could have another chance in the future!

And FYI, I do live in a back country ice covered area! The airport is so small, that getting to New York would require multiple flights. Driving is not an option due to time constrains and bad roads. :) but I like the spirit of your suggestions!

To the mom wih kids who work at the library - did they love it? If so, and MLS degree in their future could mean much higher earnings. I'm in a Librarian 1 Faculty position, and it is only half-time. But in the future I should be able to make a decent living :)

You guys are so great! Hope you're all having a nice weekend.

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Re: Help! I'm Resisting a Trip to NYC, and a Free Stay in a Mansion!
« Reply #21 on: March 09, 2013, 07:13:11 AM »
"I do live in a back country ice covered area! The airport is so small, that getting to New York would require multiple flights. Driving is not an option due to time constrains and bad roads."

As a longtime New Yorker who doesn't see the point in living in back country ice covered area, I recommend packing as much stuff as you can, going on the trip, and moving into the mansion.

Use it up, wear it out...

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Re: Help! I'm Resisting a Trip to NYC, and a Free Stay in a Mansion!
« Reply #22 on: March 09, 2013, 09:46:07 AM »
"I do live in a back country ice covered area! The airport is so small, that getting to New York would require multiple flights. Driving is not an option due to time constrains and bad roads."

As a longtime New Yorker who doesn't see the point in living in back country ice covered area, I recommend packing as much stuff as you can, going on the trip, and moving into the mansion.

+1

Not seriously, but still. :-)

kudy

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Re: Help! I'm Resisting a Trip to NYC, and a Free Stay in a Mansion!
« Reply #23 on: March 09, 2013, 11:37:15 AM »
Have you considered signing up for some credit cards that offer free flight bonuses for signup (or after a minimum spend) so that you can get free flights for this type of trip in the future? I have a free Southwest flight that I need to use before next February - apparently I don't travel often enough to justify all of the free flights I got ~2 years ago with the Chase Southwest card.

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Re: Help! I'm Resisting a Trip to NYC, and a Free Stay in a Mansion!
« Reply #24 on: March 09, 2013, 01:16:03 PM »
I'm curious where in the Great White North you are, that the roadbans are on already???

I'd likely go thorough, if I were you. DH and I are planning on going to NYC for our next trip.

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Re: Help! I'm Resisting a Trip to NYC, and a Free Stay in a Mansion!
« Reply #25 on: March 09, 2013, 01:47:45 PM »
To the mom wih kids who work at the library - did they love it? If so, and MLS degree in their future could mean much higher earnings. I'm in a Librarian 1 Faculty position, and it is only half-time. But in the future I should be able to make a decent living :)

DD#1 loved it and did it for 5-6 years then worked at a pet store and loved that, too.  She's getting ready to move to northern BC in a couple weeks.

DS #2 liked it but never *loved* it.  He wouldn't have done it for free.  He works outside at a lumberyard and is biding his time to make his way inside to contract sales and more money.

DD# 3 works as a library assistant 1 about 1/2 time and Jr/ Sr page another ten hours or so per week and picks up random ILL and mending jobs.  She is doing the job she wants to do (library assistant 1) and is at the top of what she can make for that.  She's not interested in management, private libraries, or school libraries so there isn't much in the way of job growth or opportunity- she realizes that is her choice.  She's got Asperger's and an anxiety disorder, though.  It's a bigger problem than just lack of funding.  But like I point out to her- there are no single women working full time and supporting themselves at her library.  There are all married and there are no full time jobs. ;-)

lifejoy

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Re: Help! I'm Resisting a Trip to NYC, and a Free Stay in a Mansion!
« Reply #26 on: March 11, 2013, 05:21:02 PM »
FINAL ANSWER:

Haha ok I've had a lot of advice to think on! I appreciate everyone that weighed in.

I thought I should let you know that I bought flights, it's done! I'm definitely going. For me, the decision was final when I realized that if I were married to my boyfriend, I would be going.

Well, what is the difference between now and being married? Don't I want my life to be just as melded to his now, as in the future? YES! I simply cannot wait to meet all of his family, and framing this as a "visiting family" expense rather than a "seeing NYC" expense makes it much easier for me to swallow.

For those of you that were concerned about my bf's mentality towards money (heck, I was concerned to), I want to let you know that he and I have been doing the jar system (a la Gail Vaz-Oxlade from Til Debt Do Us Part) and he's been great about it. He's financially savy and while he's not planning for early retirement (currently) - he's got a good plan about reaching his future goals. We've had some in-depth discussions since I first posted, and he is very open to new ideas and forthcoming about his own thoughts.

I'm feeling great! So, thanks! :)

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Re: Help! I'm Resisting a Trip to NYC, and a Free Stay in a Mansion!
« Reply #27 on: March 11, 2013, 05:46:05 PM »
Excellent!  Have fun!

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Re: Help! I'm Resisting a Trip to NYC, and a Free Stay in a Mansion!
« Reply #28 on: March 12, 2013, 01:01:41 AM »
I'm so glad for you! Take lots of pictures for your future kids  ; ), of the good ole' days as DINKS

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Re: Help! I'm Resisting a Trip to NYC, and a Free Stay in a Mansion!
« Reply #29 on: March 12, 2013, 08:20:53 AM »
I'm sorry to be a party popper, but you've been doing the jars for what, 4 or 5 days?  Of course things are going well, it hasn't been that long ;)

I hope things work out, and that you enjoy NYC, but I think you might be looking at things through rose coloured glasses.  I hope I'm wrong though :)

lifejoy

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Re: Help! I'm Resisting a Trip to NYC, and a Free Stay in a Mansion!
« Reply #30 on: March 13, 2013, 11:12:58 AM »
Hey Swami, it's been almost 2 weeks on the jars! ;)

I'm less excited about our results with the jars, and more just psyched about my bf's willingness and commitment when it comes to things that are important to me.

Maybe my glasses are rosy, or maybe the glass is half full :)

lifejoy

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Re: Help! I'm Resisting a Trip to NYC, and a Free Stay in a Mansion!
« Reply #31 on: April 30, 2013, 01:48:37 PM »
Here's an update:

Went to NYC. The mansion was amazing. Loved the marble everywhere and high quality tissue and toilet paper, lol! No cheap 1-ply stuff for these folks.

The bat mitzvah was the coolest. I am so glad I want, purely because I got to be a part of something special with my bf's family.

On the way home, our flight was cancelled and we had to stay an extra day. $$$. Then our replacement flight was delayed, so we missed our connection in Minneapolis. After chillin' 8 hours in that airport, we finally got to go home. Luckily the food poisoning didn't kick in until we were home! Yikes.

So, all in all a decent trip. But it just goes to show you, it's ok to say no to some opportunities. However - I firmly believe that money spent to see friends and family is money well spent :)\

Thanks again for all the fabulous opinions!

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Re: Help! I'm Resisting a Trip to NYC, and a Free Stay in a Mansion!
« Reply #32 on: April 30, 2013, 01:57:45 PM »
On the way home, our flight was cancelled and we had to stay an extra day. $$$. Then our replacement flight was delayed, so we missed our connection in Minneapolis.

Did you negotiate some extra free flight vouchers out of them for those two inconveniences?
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lifejoy

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Re: Help! I'm Resisting a Trip to NYC, and a Free Stay in a Mansion!
« Reply #33 on: May 03, 2013, 04:11:01 PM »
I wish! It was battle enough to get a cab voucher so we wouldn't have to pay to get back to the city.

It was like pulling teeth. They weren't giving us anything. :(

Oh well! Live and learn.