Thanks everyone for all of your comments!!!
Zamboni - Yes, there are many of their day-to-day life choices that are none of my business and many that I really don't care to know about (when I change the subject or just shrug I'm accused of being uncaring tho). I don't blame my DIL 100%, I see my son doing many things and call him on it constantly. But yes, I do know what she spends on the girls' clothes and it is quite a bit. She will not buy their clothes at thrift stores, garage sales or Goodwill. In the past I've bought clothes as gifts and even tho she'll say she likes them, she almost immediately checks the tag and remarks on the designer/manufacturer as being good or bad. Now I just give a cheque or gift card. Just an example. And I do compliment her on being a good Mom. Given her background (Hey avonlea, a bit of an answer) in which her parents were divorced, moved constantly, absent mother - raised by nannies. I see that she's trying to give the girls everything she never had.
Zamboni - never considered that buying a lunch box might seem patronizing. Hmmmm. Enderland . . . passive aggressive? Maybe? Was buying her a freezer also a mistake? As she prefers everything fresh, not frozen? Ooops, being a snarky B again. ShortinSeattle - yeah, you're probably right.
And Zamboni - I get the life enriching experience idea but if you call me to ask for money for tires (her) because it's not in the budget but they're desperately needed . . . don't put your kids in a private dance school for $2K a year, enroll them in the park district.
CK Dexter - I do stuff like that all the time (food, notes, cards in the mail for no reason in particular). Hey, trying! (And that was a very sweet thought by the way - thanks)
We do try to lead by example. We're told by both that we should 'enjoy' our money. "There's no reason for you to pinch pennies". Canning, freezing, cutting coupons, shopping sales & Goodwill are crazy and a waste of time. Okay . . .
Avonlea - I totally understand the food thing but there are less expensive ways to accomplish than making Whole Foods your main 'go to' place. I have learned so much over the years from DIL about food, I appreciate it and have told her. New job pays 80% toward the health insurance. Hopefully they take advantage of this rather than turn it down again.